Sleepwalker
by Frayed One
Summary: Old acquaintances and new allies await Elissa Cousland as her search for answers leads her to the Free Marches.  As she is pulled into events in Kirkwall, she may also discover new enemies where she least expects...
1. Chapter 1: Hightown Hammering

_**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** Thanks to those who have come along to Book Four in this series :) For any just joining, be prepared for a bumpy ride - and feel free to check out the first three books should you so desire. _

_Special thanks to **Snarkoleptic** for help with this Varric inspired title :D_

_Thanks to my readers, reviewers and followers - and to both of my wonderful betas **artemiskat** and **Snarkoleptic** for keeping up with me and keeping me on track through this whole crazy process._

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter One: Hightown Hammering<strong>_

_Her skin tasted of salt; that sheen of sweat and sex that always covered both their bodies the further into their morning routine he drove them. He was vaguely aware there was something… _wrong_… with the way they were together. The way his fist tugged a little too hard at her hair, snapping her neck back far enough that he could sink his teeth slightly into the softest part of her throat. The way his fingers dug a little too hard into full swell of her breast, certain to leave bruises that would later be covered by armor and hidden away from the light of day. _

_There was no tenderness, no lovemaking, no time taken – there was nothing of the relationship he had imagined as a young man. There was violence in this passion that they shared - something that drove him forward no matter the reservations of his logical mind - an endless hunger, a void inside him that only she could fill. _

_She did not hold him back from these most damning of appetites; she encouraged and fed them with needs of her own. The quick hiss of breath when he pulled at her hair was not a condemnation. The moans that began low and soft but increased in volume and frequency as he shifted the hand from her breast down to settle on her hip – holding her in place as he sped the pace of his thrusts inside her – were nothing more than a list of reasons he should continue down this path they had chosen. _

_When she reached back and dug her nails into his hip hard enough to draw blood, it was like the snap of a whip against the side of a stallion. It urged him to press harder, to go faster, until he was slamming against her so vigorously that the audible snap of hip against pelvis left no doubt that they would both be marked afterward. _

_If there was any fear left in him that he'd misread her signals, that disappeared when she started to speak. There were admissions and requests and half screamed expressions of ecstasy. Every twisted decision he made was met with praise, with cries of pleasure tinged with the omnipresent hue of pain, with pleas not to stop, to go further, to do more. And she was not alone. _

_The things that fell from his lips when they lay together were as muddled as the turbulent emotions within him – muttered admissions of love and desire whispered to a lover mixed with the harsh, biting words of damnation spoken to a common brothel whore. There were times he couldn't believe they were coming from him, but the voice was his own, often hoarse and broken but unable to be denied. The reservations, that voice whispering in the back of his mind insisting they had to end this now before it went too far, all of that had fallen silent long ago – replaced by the overwhelming desires both to please and control the woman writhing against him. _

_She'd been forced to brace herself hard against the headboard or else risk being slammed against the sharp edges of the intricately carved wood when her partner lost himself in the things they could draw from one another. She called his name on the brink of another climax, and he requested that she do it again – leaning forward when she denied him and repeating the instructions in her ear as his fingers teased against her apex. A victorious smile curved his lips when she screamed it, feeling her arch against him as every cell in her body lit fire. _

_Certain he'd more than done his job as a lover, he allowed his own release, pouring into her with one last thrust, an explosion of lust driven sentiment said much louder than he'd intended – until it dissolved into hard kisses on soft skin._

"Ooh… I _like_ that bit." The Rivani tapped her finger against the paper, winking at me as she sauntered over to take a seat at my private table. "Seems familiar to me though… like I've lived it somehow."

"Your life is undoubtedly worthy of something equally torrid, but this isn't about you." I cleared my throat and shifted the pages back inside the journal. Isabela was more observant than most would give her credit, far more observant than I would like at the moment. "I know I allow you all free reign to come and go as you please, but _not_ sneaking up on me would be appreciated. Call it a professional courtesy, if nothing more."

"It's a professional courtesy that I don't steal from you or stab you in the back when you aren't looking," Isabela snickered, leaning forward to drum her fingers against the table and continuing to eye the now hidden pages suspiciously. "And whomever you've used as inspiration for that _must_ be good if you're working this hard to keep me from figuring it out."

"It's fiction, Isabela. It's inspired by everyone and nothing." I plastered on my most convincing poker face and stowed the book away in my pack, resting it against my leg so I'd notice any attempt to access it.

"Mmmhmm." She was unconvinced, encouraged if anything. "You may as well tell me, Varric. You know I'll find out one way or another."

She would. It wasn't an unwarranted boast on her part. There was little Isabela could not discover given time and proper motivation, and my not telling her was all the motivation she was going to need. But I was determined to keep this concealed for as long as possible.

* * *

><p>It had only taken a few days for the shine to wear off, allowing Nathaniel Howe to realize that having caught Elissa Cousland was just as likely to kill him as having been in pursuit of her – perhaps sooner as now he felt as though he was fighting simply to hold on after seeing others lose their grip. Any attempt to see progress in their relationship resulted in a caustic backlash. Any suggestion that he be included in her everyday personal routines was answered with an almost retaliatory pull back inside her shell.<p>

When he'd suggested, after nearly two weeks of spending every night tangled up in the much smaller bed of his childhood room, that it might be more comfortable for them both if they moved into the master suite together – she'd responded with a cold silence that lasted for nearly two days. He'd backed away and given her the space he thought she needed, resolving himself to simply accept her nocturnal visits to his room, only to open his door and find all of his belongings had vanished leaving nothing but empty space.

There was a moment of panic when he was certain he'd pushed too far, when he was absolutely convinced that she'd reassigned him to the furthest reaches simply to keep up the barrier she'd built around her heart. But when he reached the door to her room, he stood watching in a mix of relief and surprise as she tucked away the last of his belongings into the space she had made for him.

They'd been living together ever since, months now of falling into a routine of sex and separation, and still Nathaniel felt no more a part of her world than he had when keeping his own quarters. It wasn't that she made him feel unwanted. It wasn't that she gave him any reason to worry that she desired anything beyond what he gave to her. It was more the things that she _didn't_ say and do.

He could look around their suite and see that it still belonged to her; she simply allowed him to share it. Towers of dusty tomes lined the walls, spilling out of the overfilled bookshelves and creating a barrier between the desk and nearby window. Paperwork and letters covered the desk, scattered and messy, with bottles of alcohol in various states of full or empty hidden within it. Weapons and armor in various states of polish and repair, relics and artifacts, any number of objects she was working to identify for one reason or another – all of it belonging to Elissa, all of it marking the space for what it was. And there was the vault hidden in the back wall that they never spoke of, though Nathaniel knew it was there and had no doubt what she kept inside it.

He had woken up wanting her the same as always, and it had taken little effort on his part to have her responding in kind – but the moment he'd found his release, she was pushing off him and darting back behind the privacy screen to the wash basin to begin her morning ritual of washing away any evidence of what they'd done. It was painful and more than a little insulting, and he'd long since reached the end of his patience for it.

"It wouldn't kill you to wait more than two seconds post coitus to do that, Elissa." His tone was more harsh than he'd intended, but he found himself lacking for patience and still awash in the slightly anger tinged aftermath of their most recent tumble.

"To do what?" she snorted, popping her head out for a moment to glare at him through narrowed eyes. "I wash off every morning, and you'll be over here as soon as I'm done. What are you on about now?"

"What am I _on_ about? Elissa, do you not _see_ what you're doing?" Nathaniel was fully angry now, allowing himself to feel all the frustration that had been building as the weeks passed.

"I'm washing off and getting dressed. I have a meeting with Varel within the hour and another with Jowan soon after. Would you rather I went to sit with them smelling of sweat and sex and covered in the results of your orgasm?" Elissa was angry as well, he could feel it radiating out of her, to go forward was dangerous – but he'd lost the ability to reason where she was concerned some time ago.

"Would it kill you?"

"What is _wrong_ with you?" She puffed out an irritated breath, stomping over to the armor stand and beginning to strap on her leathers. "You don't even want to talk about your private life and now you want me out parading about wearing a sign that says 'Nathaniel Howe just fucked me, ask how good it was'?"

"_That_! That right there is what's _wrong_ with me, Elissa! I'm tired of feeling like your dirty little secret. I'm tired of being treated as though I'm here to keep your bed warm during your off hours and nothing else beyond that." Nathaniel's breath came in short, frustrated bursts, and he could feel himself shaking slightly as his temper continued to rise.

"If _you_ are my dirty little secret, then you are the worst kept secret in Thedas. Neither of us is quiet, Nathaniel – and the whole of The Keep knows that you moved in with me months ago." Elissa was fighting to keep her own temper under control, clamping down on the conduit and trying to keep his fury from feeding into her own. "And you woke me up this morning with your hand between my thighs, not the other way around, so don't speak to me about feeling used and objectified."

She snapped through the last of her armor with furious fingers, turning her back on the frustrating man in her bed and securing her various weapons in the sheathes where they belonged.

"So you're just going to go on with your day without finding any sort of resolution to this issue?" He was out of the bed then, sliding on his pants and closing the distance between them. "You aren't even going to attempt to talk about it?"

"I don't see what there is to talk about. We've been down this road before, Nathaniel. You want things I can't give to you. I've known this would be an issue from the beginning." She turned to him slowly, hesitant to meet his eyes because she knew that the anger was losing way to the doubt and regret that always came after.

"I'm not asking for much, Elissa. I don't want you to change overnight. I don't want you to change much at all. I'm just asking for a little effort here – for some consideration given to the things that I might need." He reached out to touch her face, dropping his hand back down when she turned out of his reach.

"You wanted to move in, and I did as you asked. You wanted me to wear your ring again, and I am. You wanted me to make an effort to spend time with you outside of these walls, and I have done so as much as I can. I don't know what else you want from me, Nathaniel." She shook her head, pacing over to the window and tugging her fingers through the curls of her hair now grown past her shoulders.

"You know _exactly_ what I want, Elissa. I have never been unclear about that."

"And you know that I can't give it to you."

"Can't or won't?" He watched her head snap in his direction, feeling the quick flare of temper before she quelled it back down behind the wall.

"There is no happy ending for us, Nathaniel. We don't ride off into the sunset together. We don't have the touching wedding ceremony and the two or three kids. That time is long out of our reach, and those people… those people were lost long ago." Her jaw tensed and then relaxed as she took in a breath to calm herself. "This is all there is, and if that's not enough for you then—"

"Then, what? You'll walk away? You'll shut me out because I refuse to believe this is all that we get in the end." He blocked her into the window frame, reaching over to take her hands though she fought against it. "We have come too far and made it through too much to find our way back here. I won't lose you to your need to be reclusive or my want for something more. I _know_ that you love me, Elissa. I feel it… and you've given me no reason to doubt that to be true. I'm not asking for you to shout it from the ramparts, though that wouldn't kill you either. I'm simply suggesting that hearing it out loud every once in awhile, that feeling there is more to us than Commander and Lieutenant when we leave the confines of these rooms, isn't too much to ask."

"Nathaniel…"

"Just _think_ about it. We can talk later." He leaned forward then, pressing a kiss to her forehead and releasing her to go about her day.

* * *

><p>Nathaniel only saw Elissa in passing throughout the day. He had meetings and responsibilities of his own, and three new Dalish archers to train, and he knew better to press any harder against the boundaries she had constructed than he had that morning.<p>

She didn't come to dinner, leaving him to wonder if she was actually considering what he had suggested or simply avoiding him so that she didn't have to think at all, but all of that was answered when he opened the door and found her packing for a trip.

"What's going on?"

"The Messenger received word from The Architect. We know where he'll be in a week or so. I've gathered a group to track him. There are things we need to speak of." She met his eyes only for a moment, before going back to what she'd been doing.

The things she and The Architect had to speak of were… numerous… and all of them were unsettling to Nathaniel. He'd watched her change both physically and emotionally the longer his new tonics worked in her system. The more she "trained" with the creature, the less of the girl he'd once known seemed to remain, and the harder he felt himself fighting to keep what little there was from vanishing with the rest.

"I assume I'm not included." He sat down on the corner of the bed, knowing the answer before the hard puff of air confirmed it.

"You are my second, Nathaniel. Taking you along when I leave for an unknown amount of time somewhat defeats the purpose of that." She tugged one pack closed in irritation, beginning to work on filling a second.

"That has nothing to do with this decision, Elissa. Don't belittle either one of our intelligence by pretending otherwise." He watched her pace away, tugging things off her desk and returning to shove them angrily into the nearly full second pack. "You don't want to talk—"

"You're right. I don't. It won't get us anywhere. It never does." She slammed the things she'd retrieved with a fist, before drawing in a long breath and looking up at him.

"And running away is the solution?" Nathaniel snorted, folding his arms across his chest and glaring back at her.

"I don't know what the solution is. I don't know that there _is_ one."

"How long will you be gone?"

"As long as it takes to get what I need."

There was a span of time when neither said anything, both accepting the fact that for the first time since Nathaniel's near death experience, they would be separated by a great deal more than the emotional distance that seemed to plague them.

"Then at least come to bed so I can say my goodbyes before you disappear." He reached out for her, but she backed away.

"I'm meeting Stroud and the others downstairs as soon as I'm done here." She pulled the ties on the second pack closed, tossing it over one shoulder and reaching for the first.

"You're leaving in the middle of the night?" Nathaniel was hurt and angry, and finding it hard to control either of those emotions standing on the precipice of losing his fleeting grip on the one thing he had ever truly wanted.

"A ship leaves at dawn from Amaranthine. I am to be on it." Elissa tossed the other pack on her back as well, pausing at the door to look back one last time. "For what it's worth, I wish I _could_ be what you wanted. But I can't, Nathaniel. She's… she's gone. I'm sorry."

The sound of the door closing behind her had a finality that left him cold inside and weakened his resolve to the point that he fell back against the bed and wondered where it had all gone wrong.


	2. Chapter 2: The Most Unlikely Places

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** Another chapter full of tension. What can I say? Happy isn't really my thing :D_

_Orlesian translation: Slut/Bitch._

_Muse Music: In The Dark by The Anix._

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers. Special thanks to **artemiskat** for help with the Orlesian. And thanks as usual to both my wonderful betas **artemiskat** and **Snarkoleptic**._

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Two: The Most Unlikely Places<strong>_

Elissa could hear the arguing long before she'd made her way back into view of the small group of Wardens she'd left behind. Stroud's snotty Orlesian indignation was doing nothing to soothe the thick irritation wound into the tone of the other man's voice, as he demanded to speak with her.

"I know she's here, so it's no use pretending otherwise. I can read the taint in her blood." The Mage was shaking beneath the strain of reining in his temper. He hated the Deep Roads, this much was true, but that was not what held him back from using the maps he had stolen. It was this, this moment when the past he'd run so hard to escape was again within arms' reach – and he wasn't certain he was ready to face it – to face _her_.

"Ah, yes. I had forgotten the lovely side effect that comes along with our Commander's poor copulation choices," Stroud snorted, folding his arms across his chest as the rest of his group chuckled along and turning back to toss something particularly insulting in Orlesian. "_Salope_."

Elissa stood in the shadows a bit longer, bracing herself for what was to come. She'd always known she would see Anders again – whether through an accident of fate or because one sought out the other – but she was unprepared for that reunion to occur today.

She'd sensed the presence of another Warden the moment they'd breeched the deepest portion of the tunnels but focused on the vain hope that perhaps The Architect's newest batch of acolytes had somehow begun to track as her kind rather than his. Locating and speaking with the creature proved that to be false, which could only mean that the trace she was sensing belonged to one of her kin.

The further they traveled toward the surface access point they had chosen, the stronger the trace became and the more certain Elissa was that it traced back to Anders. She considered altering her company's course to avoid what was obviously a directed path in her direction, but ultimately knew that if Anders had chosen to track her – he must have good reason. She would have to face him one day.

She paused outside the range of torchlight just a moment longer, collecting her thoughts and simply – watching. He'd cut his hair, darkened it, lost the earring – and the spark of humor that had made him who he was seemed lost beneath the weight of something dark and dangerous. It was a transformation she knew all too well.

"What we _should_ be doing is hauling you back to Amaranthine to answer for your crimes…" Stroud was angry now, his accent thicker – if that was even possible.

"You think your Commander would allow that?" Anders was laughing, but it was brittle and uncertain – the result of a boast he did not honestly believe to be true.

"Perhaps if we wrapped you up in a pretty shackled package for her, she'd be more willing to see reason." The Orlesian gestured for two of the other Wardens to come forward, and Elissa knew she was out of time.

"That's enough, boys." She stepped out of the shadows slowly, posture steady, pace held casual. "Stand down, Stroud."

"Commander, this man is a menace! He has slaughtered a number of our rank along with the templar attempting to corral him – and now he seeks you out directly? This threat _must_ be addressed!"

"I sincerely doubt he's tracked me all the way down in the Deep Roads on a whim of vendetta. If he wanted me dead, he would have come for me long before now. Most likely he's found us because he _needs_ something…" She trailed off, coming to a stop directly in front of the man in question. "So, Anders, what is it that you want?"

She watched the flicker of emotions across his face before he settled them into a mirror of the cautious disdain she was certain displayed on her own. "We ran across a cell of darkspawn several miles back. One of my companions was tainted in the fight, I-I brought him to you so that you could—"

"Clean up your mess?" Elissa snorted, rolling her eyes as she stepped around him to glance at the young warrior slumped against a nearby pile of rock. "It's obvious from looking at him what needs to be done. Is no one among your company capable of showing such mercy?"

"You and I have always disagreed for what masquerades as mercy in that twisted mind of yours." Anders words were cold, but even he could hear the fury rising underneath them – and he watched the quick flicker of anger behind Elissa's eyes in response to it.

"Tell me, Anders – how exactly is _your_ way better? Do you know what it feels like to have the taint eating away at your mind and body unchecked?" She stood inches away from him, holding his eyes though she knew he would see the dark red circles that now fully surrounded the green of her irises. "I do. It's excruciatingly painful, mentally and physically, and you've allowed this young man to suffer that for quite some time if he's reached this stage of consumption."

He swallowed, knowing that she did not exaggerate her knowledge of such things. "There are other ways, Elissa."

"Ah, that's what this is about. You've brought him to be conscripted." She sighed and shook her head, folding her arms across her chest in frustration. "You do understand that I can't simply conscript every tainted soul you lot don't have the balls to take care of properly."

From the corner of her eye Elissa watched the older, bearded man, obviously some relation to the younger one crumpled in the dirt, take an angry step forward – stopping only when the dwarf standing silently beside him stepped over to block his path after seeing her Wardens reach for the hilts of their blades.

"Do you want to see me beg? Is that what this is about?" Anders was angry, his fists clenched to see her ignore such an obvious solution simply to spite him. "Fine. I am _begging_ you, Elissa. Do this for me. After everything we've been through—"

"After everything we've been through, I find myself reluctant to grant you _any_ sort of favor," Elissa hissed, eyes narrowed as she leaned forward to push her point – pacing away a moment later to rein in her raging emotions.

"He's strong and a talented swordsman. You _need_ Wardens, Elissa. He can be an asset to you." Anders could see his chance slipping away, and forced himself and his… conscience… into compliance before he could do any more damage.

"I'm fairly certain you haven't a clue what I need these days…" she muttered, striding forward to crouch down at the wounded man's side once again. "Even if I were to accept this… _offer_… of yours, you've waited far too long to find me. The taint has progressed too far. He won't make it to the surface alive, much less the closest Warden cache."

"So that's it, then? There's nothing you can do for him?" The bearded man in Anders' company took another step forward – his fury reined in behind his desperation.

The fallen man was family, Elissa could read that much – and though she fought to maintain the resolute path of the Warden-Commander – a part of her remembered what it was to have family worth fighting for.

"I didn't say that." Elissa held his eyes briefly, turning back to the tainted man at her side and reaching out to grip his jaw. "Are you in there at all? Do you understand what I'm saying?"

The young man smirked, reaching out a hand and gripping a palm full of her right breast before she could even think to react. "Nice tits."

There was a collective intake of breath as the group waited for her to react. Elissa was notoriously volatile, and even those who did not know her personally knew enough from her tales – now legend – and from what Anders _had_ spoken of to worry that their companion's chances of survival had now dwindled to nothing.

"Junior. I know you've been slipped the ol' darkspawn mickey – but you're currently groping the Hero of Ferelden," the dwarf whispered, taking a hesitant step toward the pair. "Might be wise to take your hands off the goods until you've at least bought the lady a drink."

Another moment of silence had them holding that breath, but Elissa's laughter settled their nerves. "Well, you've got some fight left in you – can't argue that. Seems to be centered in your pelvis at the moment, but we'll address that later."

She waved Stroud and one of the other Wardens over, stepping back so that they could lift the young man up from the ground and bring him down the dark tunnel where Elissa had already wandered. The others followed, stopping when she turned back and held an arm out that barred further progress.

"I'm sorry. I understand the need to see what's coming for your own peace of mind, but some secrets must be kept." Elissa watched the response budding to life in the bearded brother's face, but cut it off with an acceptable compromise. "Anders is still a Warden. As a courtesy, I will allow him to observe on your behalf. I'll return with news when I have it."

She turned and disappeared into the shadows after that, leaving one of her men posted to ensure that no one other than the one allowance she had made followed behind her.

"Try not to worry." Anders tried to smile, but he knew it looked as false as it felt. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

* * *

><p>Anders reported back a little under an hour from when he'd disappeared behind the other Wardens with news that Carver had indeed survived The Joining. He'd been moved to the Warden encampment afterward to recover, and Elissa planned to resume her push to the surface as soon as he'd had a few hours sleep to reach functionality.<p>

Hawke set up his own camp in a nearby cavern, close enough to hear if the Wardens decided to move out without alerting them, but far enough away to give them the secretive isolation that the Warden-Commander seemed to require.

Anders used the dwindling remains of their food supplies to concoct a stew, of sorts, and I was now lounging next to our small fire trying to shovel enough of it down to have energy whenever it was we'd get moving again.

"Here." Hawke's eyes snapped up just in time to catch the flicker of motion from whatever The Hero tossed in his direction, raising a hand up to pluck what turned out to be a small amount of dried rabbit meat and several bundles of vegetables out of the air. "Whatever it is you're eating smells bloody awful, and isn't likely to do very much to keep you going through the march to the surface. Your brother is likely to still be suffering the after effects of the taint, and I'd rather not have more than one lagging behind."

"I see the family resemblance gave me away." Hawke chuckled, tossing the bundle over to Anders for incorporation into their stew and noting the suspicious narrowing of his eyes as Elissa settled down on one of the makeshift benches.

"Partially." Elissa smiled, popping loose the flask from her hip and rolling her eyes when Anders shook his head at the sight of it. "I also remember what it was like to have a brother to look after."

"Is your brother—" Hawke trailed off, uncertain how to proceed when the woman across from him seemed lost in the mouth of her bottle for a moment.

"Dead? No. The last I heard he was alive and well and ruling over Highever with an iron fist and a heart of gold." She sighed, taking a long pull from the bottle and standing once again. "But I didn't come over here to prod at wounds long healed, nor to merely offer some sustenance from our stores. I _came_ to retrieve my property."

Hawke glanced nervously at Anders who paused in his cooking to glare in Elissa's direction. I reached for my bow with anxious fingers, knowing that Hawke would never allow another of his company to be taken without a fight – especially not on the heels of losing Carver.

"Relax, Twitch." Her eyes swung in my direction, freezing me in place before I could get a finger on Bianca's carriage. "I meant the maps. I have more than enough problems to manage without dragging a runaway child kicking and screaming back to Ferelden."

Any ability I had to relax flew right out the window with those words. We were now in the uncomfortable position of being caught with stolen property by the very person from whom it was taken – and The Hero wasn't known for her forgiving nature when it came to those she believed to have crossed her.

"If we had these maps of yours, why would we turn them over and lose our only way back to the surface?" Hawke sat the remnants of the old stew on the ground, folding his arms across his chest and waiting for her response.

"You no longer need maps, you've got me – and regardless what Anders might have told you, I am at least trustworthy to the extent that I won't strand people in the tunnels for my own amusement." She glanced at each of us, arching an eyebrow up at Anders when he muttered something none of us quite caught. "Look. The maps are mine and I have no intention of leaving them with you – so there are two ways this story can end. You can give them to me, or I can take them off your bloody bodies when you try to start a fight. I doubt some old parchment that never belonged to you in the first place is really worth your lives."

Hawke looked at me, and then at Anders, attempting to gauge how much of what she said was simple intimidation and how much was honest truth.

"Come now. I can guess enough of what Anders _has_ told you to know you must understand that I have every intention of following through on my threat should you not cough up my property within – oh – the next couple of minutes?" She shrugged her shoulders, tapping idle fingers against the hilt of the large dagger strapped to her thigh.

It was a menacing gesture, but could easily be done as a bluff – though in the case of The Hero, her eyes made it very clear there was nothing about this she meant to be taken lightly. I thought a moment more, and then reached down to produce the maps from my pack, taking a few slow steps over to pass them off into her hands.

"Pleasure doing business with you." She smiled, offering a sarcastic half salute as she disappeared into the darkness that stretched out between our camp and hers.

* * *

><p>Most of her group was either sleeping or off patrolling the perimeter they'd established when Elissa returned to her encampment with the maps she had retrieved. She sighed, shoving them into her pack and wishing for just one day when she didn't have to play the villain.<p>

At her side, the newest Warden stirred, muttering something in his sleep about… _peaches_? Elissa moved closer, sitting down at his side and pulling her glove loose to press a hand against his forehead and confirm that his fever was finally starting to ease.

"Y-you're real?" The young man's eyes widened, and he looked almost as though he might want to crawl out of his own skin when he remembered what he'd done just a few hours ago.

"It would appear that I am." Elissa chuckled, pulling her hand back to settle in her lap, and waiting for him to focus enough that she could inquire as to his condition and answer any questions he might have.

"Bloody Maker's balls. I molested the Hero of Ferelden." He covered his face with his hands and groaned, wishing very hard that all of this would just go away.

"Truth be told, I _hate_ that title. If you're one for formalities, Commander or Warden-Commander should suit you. If not, Elissa will do just fine." She pushed up from the ground then, dusting off her hands and heading over to her packs to start removing the heavier pieces of her armor. "Honestly, I've had _worse_ reactions than being felt up – and to be covered in dirt and darkspawn blood and still complimented on my rack is complementary in a sense… I suppose."

"You let your men call you by your name?" He sat up then, brushing his hair out of his eyes and continuing to watch the ease with which she removed her armor – stacking it neatly with the majority of her weapons on a nearby rock.

"Not all of them, no." It was an honest answer, but probably not the one she should have given – and she knew that the moment she turned and saw just how closely he'd been watching her every move. He was young and attractive and obviously interested – and she'd been weeks without… "Do you go by Carver or Hawke like your brother?"

"Carver. Hawke is… I am _not_ my brother." There was an irritation in his voice that was exceptionally familiar to Elissa. She'd heard it enough in Fergus' voice when he'd returned to find that his little sister was a legend and he was little more than the last of a dying line of nobility.

It was the voice of someone who had been too long in the shadows, but there was a hunger in Carver's words that had only turned to bitterness in Fergus' age. It spoke of potential and possibilities. Perhaps Anders had been right to suggest conscription.

"Are you sleeping here?" Carver glanced down at the bedroll he'd been given, noting it was the only one in the area she'd designated as her own.

"Is that the fever talking, or is that you?" Elissa smirked. Encouraging him was dangerous – and wrong, but something about it felt easy – free of the complications that came with her current relationship.

"Could be either. You should probably come look me over to be sure." He smiled, lying back again and folding his arms casually behind his head and her eyes couldn't help but follow the curve of his bicep.

It was a bold invitation spoken in the fearless voice of youth – and Elissa was tempted, very tempted. But she knew better than to ever walk that path again.

"I'll send Theron in to look you over if you're really in need of a healer." She offered – barely managing not to laugh at the change in Carver's posture when it became obvious she had no intention of warming his bed for the night. "Get some sleep, Carver. We'll be leaving soon."

_The Hero of Ferelden_. Carver watched her stroll off down a nearby tunnel, thinking how different she was from anything he could have imagined. To hear Anders tell stories she was nothing but a bitter harpy, and Varric's tales of her could be downright ridiculous. The reality of her was… not at all what he'd expected, but more than enough to make him almost thankful for the darkspawn that had pierced his armor and changed his fate.

* * *

><p>Elissa sat on a stone in the shadows, reading the traces of darkspawn and Warden moving through her mind like pieces on a chessboard. She knew he was coming before he ever spoke, and did nothing to avoid the confrontation she'd known would come from the moment he showed up demanding to be heard.<p>

"Carver is young and stupid, but even he doesn't deserve to be torn apart. Not that anyone you've gotten your claws into has deserved it."

"If you were so worried for the safety of the poor boy's soul, then why bring him to me in the first place, Anders?" Elissa sighed, but did not turn to watch him emerge from the darkness behind her – simply waited for him to make his way to her side, as she knew he would.

"You're a black widow, Elissa. I saw it the moment I met you, I just didn't want to believe it. And now it's too late. You've poisoned me just like all the others." She still wouldn't look at him, and Anders could feel Justice prickling away at the back of his mind – pushing him forward when he should have walked away. "What I don't understand is what you get from it? You're a lot of things, but vain isn't one of them – nor have you ever sought out attention in any form that I can recall."

"I'm a dirty whore, Anders. Is that what you want me to say?" She tried to keep her voice casual, but truth pushed through tinged in exhaustion and despair.

Anders flinched for a moment. It was certainly something he'd thought about her many times, but nothing he'd ever actually thought to hear her say – and sitting there in the darkness, he was struck again by just how fragile she really was underneath all that bravado.

The taint had progressed a great deal since last he saw her, and it read in her physically and emotionally. To an outsider, it would appear that she'd become partial to the various cosmetics favored by the women of nobility – the deep shadowing around her eyes, the much darker hue of her lips, the streaks of deep reddish-black in her hair, and even the near blackness of her nails could all be chalked up to the simple vanities of a beautiful woman.

But Anders _knew_ her – regardless of what he might want to tell himself in the light of day. Elissa couldn't be bothered with such trivialities. These were merely signs of just how far the poison in her blood had gone toward transforming her into something he could no longer recognize. If he looked closely at her hairline and the exposed skin of her upper arms, he could even make out the faint traces of darkening veins beneath her pale skin.

"Where's Howe?" It was a question he shouldn't have asked, and he knew it the moment the words fell from his lips, but it was out now.

"Don't tell me you honestly _care. _We both know that couldn't be further from the truth."

"I don't. I'm just curious why he'd let you come down here searching for what I know you were here for alone." Anders paused, catching the quick flicker of her eyes to him before she turned them back to darkness. "When last I saw you, you were nearly inseparable."

"One of us needed to stay at The Keep and make sure things were taken care of." It was a short, curt response – meant to divert any further questions and end the conversation. Anders ignored it.

"You've had no problem leaving Jowan to do that in the past." He watched her closely, noting the twitch of her jaw muscle he knew meant a rise in temper. "Is there trouble in paradise?"

"If there is something that you have to say to me, then just say it and be done!" She snapped her head in his direction, no longer attempting to control the bitter anger that bubbled out of her. "Otherwise do what you've always done and run away, Anders. Run back to your new friends and thank your lucky stars I haven't come looking for you before now."

"Oh, so I'm to believe that you've _given_ me this freedom in your benevolent wisdom?" Anders snorted, pacing away for a moment and trying to silence Justice who prodded away at his own fury in the back of his mind.

"Believe what you wish. You always have." Elissa snorted, folding her arms in frustration. "I've known you were in Kirkwall for some time now."

"_Cullen_." He laughed, how could he have been so stupid. "I should have known you'd gotten to him too."

Anders stood in the darkness a moment longer – trying to make sense of it all. He believed she'd known where he was, but true to her word she had not come in search of him – nor had she sent word to Cullen that he be retrieved. A part of him wanted to believe that there was some part of her still capable of feeling something for him – but that part was quickly losing way to the suspicious voice of Justice nattering away over the top of it. _What is she planning? Who else spies for her? Does she know?_

He had no answers of his own, and he knew that none would be given should he even think to ask – so he simply walked away.


	3. Chapter 3:The Hero and The Hawke

_**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** Sorry for the delay on this one. Had some internal debate with myself over how Carver was presenting himself to me now that he's actually met our intrepid heroine. _

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers - and to my wonderful betas **artemiskat** and **Snarkoleptic** who get to listen to that debate quite regularly :D_

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Three: The Hero and The Hawke<strong>_

The Hero was a leader. Whether it came from too much time forced into a position she had never wanted or was simply burned into the fabric that made her who she was is something those who knew her and those who've heard the tales debate to this day. But when I met her in the bowels of the earth, that debate was meaningless.

She was a Warden, and as far as most of Thedas aside from perhaps the First Warden were concerned, she was _the_ Warden. She gave the orders, and everyone followed them – either because they respected her authority or because they were scared shitless of what would happen should they choose to disobey. It was a given, an accepted fact, something that just _was_ – until the day she met Morgan Hawke.

Hawke was the eldest son in a fatherless family and took his responsibilities as substitute patriarch very seriously. He was cocky and an exceptionally powerful mage – an explosive mix that created a chasm so wide between himself and his younger brother that it would never truly be closed. Hawke was _also_ a leader, and I should have known from the moment that The Hero stepped out of the shadows of that tunnel and into our lives there was going to be trouble.

"Alright. Pack up. Let's go." The Hero stood at the still sleeping Hawke's side, nudging him with the toe of her boot when he didn't immediately respond and then crouching down when he still chose to ignore her. "I'm lacking in patience at the moment, even more so than usual, testing the validity of my promise _not_ to leave you stranded mapless in the bowels of the earth is not a path I would recommend. Now, _get up_."

She stood and paced a few feet away, folding her arms and waiting impatiently for the three of us to gather our belongings and get ready to move out. Her group, now including Carver, had been ready and now milled about restlessly at the far end of the tunnel that would take us further toward the surface.

"Your bedside manner is wretched," Hawke quipped, yawning and slowly packing away his belongings.

"I am neither your nursemaid nor your mother, so if you're looking to be coddled by the soft touch of a woman – you'll be sorely disappointed I'm afraid." The Hero rolled her eyes, and rubbed at the bridge of her nose as Hawke continued to drag his feet. "I was down here for weeks _before_ I came afoul of your mess, and I've already devoted more than enough of my time to cleaning it up. I'm irritable and I have things to do that _don't_ involve holding the hands of little lost sheep who go places they don't belong hunting treasure, so quit dawdling and pack your bloody things!"

Hawke held her glare for a moment, his own face resolutely calm as usual – and I found myself cringing in anticipation of what might come out of his mouth. Even Anders looked green in the face of it.

"Give me ten minutes off in one of these side tunnels and I bet I can loosen the hold your ass has on that stick, love." Hawke smiled at her, tossing his pack casually over his shoulder and taking an arrogant step in her direction.

"Ten minutes? That's all? Bit short in that department are we?" The Hero tilted her head to the side, pursing out her lips and furrowing her brow, the very picture of sympathy.

"I'm a mage, darling. I don't need a lot of time to blow your mind."

I swallowed as she paced forward, closing the space between them and leaning in to whisper at his ear as she traced a languid finger down his jaw line.

"Trust me when I say there is _nothing_ you can show me, I haven't already seen ten fold." Her eyes flickered over to Anders for a moment as she turned to walk away, and for the first time I _knew_ what had happened between them was far more than The Mage had been willing to divulge. "Now gather your fucking things and come along or so help me I will leave you here to fend for yourself… _love_."

Hawke whistled as she walked away, shaking his head with a chuckle.

"Maker's blood, Hawke. You are aware she could have killed you?" I breathed a sigh of relief, but only a half sigh – the look in Hawke's eyes told me this battle of wills was far from over.

"I've seen that look. Trust me, don't even think about it." Anders looked distraught, watching just how much of an impact his past was already having on his present – and desperate not to allow it to wreak more havoc than it already had.

"Think about what?" Hawke shrugged, tossing me a wink before he led us over to join up with The Wardens.

* * *

><p>Elissa was a slave driver. Time and circumstance had diminished her ability to feel sympathy for aching muscles and exhaustion – and so when Hawke and his party started to lag behind she bellowed at him to pick up the pace and pressed ahead with little concern as to whether or not he chose to follow the instructions.<p>

"Is she usually this much of a bitch about things?" Hawke groused, kicking a large rock skittering down the tunnel ahead of them. He'd made several attempts to interact with the Warden-Commander since they'd gotten underway, each of which had been met with disinterest and vague irritation.

"Not usually. But you had to go and pick a fight with her to start out the day, so… I wouldn't be looking for her to cater to any of your needs anytime soon." Anders lingered back with the group from Kirkwall, not because he was tired – but because he simply didn't want to test the strength of the barrier he and Elissa had set between themselves.

"Yes. Let's conveniently forget the part where you've apparently snogged your commander and left her with a great deal of animosity toward all of mage-kind where that area is concerned," Hawke snorted, his mood making him less than kind about how he chose to phrase things. "Could have warned me about that you know, one bachelor to another."

"My past with Elissa is not nearly as simple as you would like to make it, and it's just that – it's _my_ past. If it was a topic open for discussion with you or anyone, it would have been discussed before now." The Mage was moodier than normal, time underground and the re-emergence of his past had conspired to make the dark cloud over his head even heavier than normal – and Hawke was not helping. "It might do you some good to be more careful about always attempting to use your questionable romancing skills to advance yourself into someone's good graces."

"_Questionable_?" Hawke choked out a laugh, arching an annoyed eyebrow in Anders' direction. "I don't recall having any problems keeping my bed appropriately warmed, unlike certain _other_ mages I might know. That whole tortured healer bit could work wonders for you in that area."

"It's not a _bit_, Hawke. It's who I am… and the 'ladies' of the Blooming Rose do not count as proof of your conquests. You pay them. It's their job to see to your needs." Anders was fully irritated now, and I could see this situation spiraling out of control with the light blue glow that had now started to radiate from the mage's body. "And what _exactly_ about anything you've heard about her would make you think that Elissa would be responsive to the sort of drivel you were throwing in her direction?"

"Oh, I don't know. Seems to be working awfully well for Carver." Hawke furrowed his brow at the easy passing of conversation between his brother and the Warden-Commander, drawing the eye of everyone else to do the same.

* * *

><p>Carver was hurting. He was tired and feverish and still fighting hard against the nauseating after effects of being put through his Joining. That much was obvious in the slightly blue tinge to his skin and the way he constantly fiddled at the collar of his armor, pulling apart as many buttons as he could and still feel he was getting the minimal protection that it offered.<p>

Elissa was uncertain whether it was showing up his brother or impressing her that drove the young man forward - though noting him catch her glancing as he dropped open yet another button on his chest guard had her leaning in the direction of the latter – but either way she was impressed with his gumption.

His injuries had been severe, and he'd had no more than four hours rest following his joining, and yet he'd managed to keep pace with her for most of the day – dropping back only when he felt that he was hearing bits of Warden conversation he might not yet be privy to.

"If you need to rest, Carver – there's no shame in asking." Elissa noted the curious tilt of his head in her direction, as though he were trying to decipher whether or not this was a test. "You've been through a lot, and the after effects of the Joining are notoriously brutal."

"Did you rest after yours?"

Elissa chuckled lightly, offering a half-smile back at the quick glint of humor in the warrior's blue eyes. It had been a long time since anyone had been so up front about requesting personal information from her – well – except for Nathaniel who was always digging about for memories she had no intention of sharing.

"Yes. Mostly because I passed out and introduced the back of my skull to a rather large rock." Thinking back on that time forced her to remember just how much she'd lost only to hand what little she had left over to the man who was then the Warden-Commander. And thinking of Duncan always led her to Alistair.

"You joined at Ostagar, right?" Carver pressed on, though he could read the change in her mood on her face as he shifted onto a subject she seemed hesitant to speak on.

"I did. Along with several others who sadly did not survive the process." Elissa cleared her throat, turning the group down another long abandoned dwarven hallway and doing a quick scan of her periphery for any sign of darkspawn presence. "After the battle, only Alistair and I remained – and he did not handle the slaughter we witnessed very well. He was close to our Warden-Commander and Duncan did not make it out of Ostagar."

"I was there. It was… well, awful just doesn't seem to cover it, does it?" The young man shrugged, puffing out a long sigh of his own as he thought back on the slaughter he'd witnessed that day.

"You were at Ostagar?" Her eyes flickered over to him, puzzled how someone so young could have seen that kind of battle – though she herself was hardly more than a child at the time.

"Infantry." It was a simple answer, followed with what was almost a shy smile – until he started to speak again. "I doubt you noticed me, and I would have remembered seeing you."

"I didn't notice very much at the time." Elissa chuckled. "I was barely managing to put one foot in front of the other in those days. What Duncan saw in me, I'll never know."

"I'd imagine he saw a leader. You're the bloody Hero of Ferelden. That doesn't happen by accident." There was no guile in that statement. The whole of Ferelden owed their lives to the woman now standing at his side, and he was well aware of the tales about what it had taken her to get there.

"Doesn't it?" She cocked an eyebrow, peering at him from the corner of her eye as he tried to puzzle out her cryptic words. "Some days I wonder. One decision here, another turn taken there… How much of our lives is destiny, and how much is nothing more than a simple twist of fate forcing us into a mold into which we were never intended to fit?"

"Do you hate it? This life of yours?"

No one had ever asked her that question. She imagined, it had never occurred to any of her companions and anyone else likely didn't care so long as she served her purpose.

"I'm not certain that hate is the right word, but there are days when the burden becomes heavier than I think I can carry." Elissa sighed, running her fingers through her hair and picking her way through some rubble that half blocked the next tunnel. "Maker only knows why I'm even talking to you about this nonsense. I don't generally talk about it at all, to anyone."

"Maybe that's why, though I'd imagine there are people far more qualified than I am to be an ear for you. There has to be someone you could talk to." Carver watched a shadow pass across her face, and knew the answer even before she spoke again.

"Being the _Hero of Ferelden_ does not lend itself to easy friendships, unfortunately. The few bonds I have managed to forge are either lost to time and distance or my own failings. I—" There was a twinge of something in her mind, a flash of warning that something tainted crawled in the darkness of a nearby cavern.

Elissa snapped an arm out catching Carver across the chest and bringing him to a stop, trying not to notice when his heart rate jumped as her finger brushed against the bare skin of his chest where he'd parted his armor. He silenced with her motion, hand at the hilt of his blade when she gestured to the larger bulk of their party to have them hold at a distance until she could determine the threat.

She drew out her swords, edging into the shadow with Carver at her hip. A few steps further in drew the other out of his hiding place, and settled her nerves instantly. She re-sheathed her weapons and watched as Carver hesitantly did the same.

"Gabriel, you know I can't track you specifically. I do wish you'd choose a way to make yourself known that wasn't quite so likely to have me cut off your head." Elissa's tone was motherly, but not caustic – and she watched the confusion filter into Carver's face as he recognized the milky eyes of a darkspawn in the creature now standing across from her.

"Apologies, Commander." The creature bowed slightly, eyeing the unfamiliar face at her side with cautious eyes.

"Carver is a Warden. He will not harm you, not so long as he values his hands." Elissa chuckled, but saw the young man swallow in reaction nonetheless. "What have you got for me?"

"The Architect sends this with his regards." He pressed a small vial into her hands, which she shifted into her belt pouch before it could be too clearly seen. "He is moving deeper into the nearby tunnels and is uncertain when he will next be able to see you."

Elissa started to respond, but a massive wave of tainted blood traced its way through the edge of her mind – setting her on alert.

"Carver, run and fetch the others. Something large is headed this way."

She didn't give him time to respond, darting down into the darkness of an inclined passage with The Messenger before he could do more than consider her orders. A massive bellow echoed up out of the tunnel where she'd gone, setting Carver into motion in the hopes that he could gather the others and return before whatever it was managed to do too much damage.


	4. Chapter 4: Here There Be Monsters

_**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N: **Sorry for the delay :) _

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my wonderful betas **artemiskat **and **Snarkoleptic**. _

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Four: Here There Be Monsters<strong>_

When Carver made it back through the winding tunnels to the spot where he'd left Elissa behind, it was to find her stalking a wide arc around the largest spider he had ever seen. The darkspawn she had referred to as Gabriel had taken shelter behind a nearby rock after the spider ripped a deep gash in his leg with an errant leg swipe. Theron darted out with one of the other Wardens, dragging the injured creature far enough out of harm's way that he could be healed – while the rest of the group looked for a way to approach the monster that fully blocked the passage ahead of them.

"Mind the legs," Elissa yelled, rolling to one side as the monster took another swipe and noting that Carver and Stroud had moved in at her sides.

Carver swiped low and wide, his broad blade taking out the end of one of the spider's legs. It staggered the creature for a moment, green blood oozing out into a dark puddle on the dusty floor, but it did nothing to bring it down. If anything, it simply made the beast angrier than it had been the moment before.

"I'm going to need to get underneath it." Elissa was more muttering aloud than she was broadcasting a plan, so it was unexpected when she received a response.

"What? That thing will eat you alive if you go crawling about up there." The look that he gave her was half concern for her well-being and half concern for her sanity, and it struck Elissa in that moment as so genuinely funny she couldn't help but chuckle at it.

"That passage is the only way to the surface that I know of from this point. Now, we can wander about in the side tunnels trying to find one that hasn't collapsed that will get us around it, or we can gut it and go on our way." Elissa held the new Warden's eyes for a moment, watching him accept that she wasn't going to bend on this point. "I've fought quite a few crawlies in my time, never one this disgustingly large, but I'd imagine its weakness is much the same as the smaller ones. Slice open the abdomen, end the fight."

"Then I'll go. My blade is longer. It should be easier to pierce the carapace."

"I do admire your gumption, but it's far too early for you to go martyring yourself due to some foolish desire to protect me. I assure you I'm more than capable of looking after myself." She winked at him, watching the frustrated flex of his brow and knowing that he was not pleased to have been dismissed so quickly. "Stroud, take Carver and the others and keep the thing distracted. Theron will hang back with Gabriel and toss out what support he can. It's far more important that he be safe to patch us up afterward."

I could see Hawke becoming frustrated as The Hero seemed to have completely forgotten that we were there, doling out tasks to absolutely everyone but those in our small company. I started to speak up, when she turned back to me.

"You. How good _are_ you with that thing?" She gestured at Bianca, cocking up an eyebrow and waiting impatiently for my response. I fired a quick bolt off into a nearby wall, pinning a small lizard there no one else had even noticed crawling about. "Perfect. Find a perch and take out the eyes, as many as you can there are… _lots_… of them."

She darted forward after that, completely ignoring the two mages standing behind me. I shrugged, not wanting to test our luck with her patience after the way Hawke had started out our day. I should have seen it coming, but even if I had – I doubt I could have done much to divert it.

Elissa took in a deep breath, nodding her head in my direction and setting my crossbow into action. The first three shots were dead on, one eye after another lost to the creature – sending it into a blind rage as it frantically tried to keep the ones it had left on the men menacing it with blades.

Confident that as much distraction as could be provided had been, The Hero took off running full force at the monster, intending to drop down just ahead of it and slide beneath, hoping that her blade could do enough damage to drop the menace and end this threat before it could cause any further damage to her party.

I heard the build up of a spell from behind me. It was a familiar sound – I'd certainly been witness to Hawke casting it hundreds of times. It was his signature, and the element with which he was the most powerful – but what was normally a potent combination was now dangerous when tweaked by his ego.

I could see Anders yelling at him, though I couldn't make out the words over the chaos echoing off the tunnel walls, but it did nothing to deter the action that Hawke was now determined to complete – shaping the ball of flame with his hands and hurling it off in the monster's direction.

It missed The Hero, and she was so focused on her own course she didn't seem to even acknowledge it had been cast at all, but the breath of relief I'd taken in was short lived as the bomb hit its target, lighting the whole thing afire and blowing all of the Wardens back as they scrambled to avoid being singed themselves.

Elissa barely managed to stop her momentum in time not to be swallowed up in the flames that had now completely consumed the spider's body, dropping to the ground and watching as the creature flailed and shrieked – before finally collapsing in a stinking, smoldering pile. There was a moment of relief for the threat that had been ended. I caught Hawke's eye in it, watching him dust off his hands in arrogant glee that his plan had indeed worked just as he'd intended it to – but motion in the corner of my eye quickly pulled my attention back toward the now deceased spider.

The Hero had gotten up from the ground, dusting herself off with as much grace as possible, before charging back in Hawke's direction. There were tendrils of smoke coming off the drakescale Hawke had singed with his spell, and a large gash slicing into her upper shoulder from either the arachnid's death throes or her own blades when she dropped to the ground that only made the obvious flare of her temper all the more menacing.

"You arrogant prick!" Before anyone could do anything she had Hawke pinned against the far wall, fingers tamping down on his throat so hard he couldn't speak.

I shared a frantic look with Anders, wondering if we should intervene, and noted that he was edging his way toward them just in case.

"No need to jump the gun there, boys." Ever observant, she'd noticed our motion as though we'd telegraphed it straight to her – and so we stopped in our tracks, not wanting to spur her any further forward. Hawke was a large man, but it was clear that he was struggling to breathe under her grip. "I am going to tell you this once, and once _only_ so listen carefully. You are in _my_ world now, and regardless how you do things in the Marches, you do things _my_ way here. Am I clear?"

Hawke nodded his head frantically, his face turning slightly blue as the lack of oxygen finally caught up with him. The blood dripping down her arm now pooled against his robes with an audible hissing sound, and I watched in horror as it quickly ate through the cloth and started to eat into the skin of his shoulder beneath.

Certain her message had been received, she released her grip, sending him into a coughing fit as he took in great gulps of air and hung against the back wall. He tugged hard at the now ruined robes, trying frantically to get at the acidic remnants of her blood biting into his flesh below. There was a flicker of something behind her eyes as Hawke met them with a pained groan, and suddenly the blood was just… blood.

"That was a warning. The _last_ warning." She turned to move back to join her Wardens, muttering the last of her words with little consideration for those to whom she was speaking. "If you endanger my men or set me on fire again, I will remove you from the equation."

"It's going to scar. But there's no permanent damage to the muscle." Anders pushed a small amount of soothing magic into his hands, and offered what little he could to the wound Elissa had left – swallowing hard when I caught his eye and read all of the things he hadn't told us about The Hero.

There was nothing said beyond that. Anders would offer up no more information if we prodded, and Hawke and I were both far too unsettled by what we'd seen to ask.

* * *

><p>Riding into the gates of Vigil's Keep, Elissa was struck again by just how much like home the once cursed walls had started to feel to her. She could sense Nathaniel's presence immediately, though she knew enough of his daily schedule to be certain that she would not see him for several hours unless she chose to seek him out directly.<p>

There was a comfort in knowing he was near to her again, though she immediately felt guilty for relishing it knowing how she'd left things when she hopped the ship from Amaranthine with little thought as to how it might affect him. Regardless of her reservations about their tumultuous relationship, she had missed him dreadfully – and there was no denying it now that she was close enough to feel the pull of their connection tugging her to seek him out though she knew that she would not. She had made several quick stops on docking in Amaranthine, and had preparations to make before he sought her out later that evening.

Nathaniel sensed her the moment she came within sight of the castle walls, struggling to keep his voice and posture neutral as he worked with an especially talented archer they'd recruited from Elissa's friends among the Dalish. He knew that it would be difficult to make it the rest of the day without going to look for her. Every cell in his body wanted nothing more than to track her down and drag her off to their bedroom to repair the damage that had been done before she left. But no matter how many times he'd gone through the conversation in his mind, he found himself hesitating now that he stood within range of it. It was a very real possibility that Elissa could have returned with the intention of severing what he had worked so hard to regain, and the very thought of it made him sick inside and kept him on his schedule. He would see her at the end of the day, the same as always, and where they went from that point – would be what it would be.

When Nathaniel reached the door of the suite he shared with Elissa, it was with a heavy heart. He'd been unable to sense anything about her mood during the day, and that was no different now that merely a few feet and a thick slab of wood was all that separated them. She had not sought him out, and in fact had made what seemed to be a concerted effort to avoid what she knew to be his usual routine for the day. These things had compounded themselves on top of weeks of worry to leave him all but certain that his time with her was about to come to an end. He'd held too tight, and she'd fought against it – and though he knew that now, there was little he could do to change the damage that had been done.

* * *

><p>Nathaniel took in a long slow breath and pressed open the door, but what he saw inside was enough to make him almost certain he'd come into the wrong room somehow. There was a table set with enough food to feed an army; two small candles set in the center next to what appeared to be a carefully wrapped parcel. In the corner a bath had been drawn, warm and steaming, and from the scent of it containing a variety of the soaps and oils Elissa kept in her collection.<p>

When she wandered in from the study with a bottle of wine and two tall glasses, he was suddenly certain that he'd taken a blow to the head and was now hallucinating a life long out of his reach. She hadn't noticed him, settling the bottle and glasses down on the table and rearranging them several times until she seemed satisfied with the setup. Her movements shifted the thin, short robe and gown she was wearing off her shoulder and Nathaniel felt the intense pulse of desire that flooded into him at the sight of her bare skin after so long apart.

Elissa felt it too, stifling a small half-moan and jostling a glass loose from the table, which shattered on the floor at her feet.

"Bloody…" She crouched down, shaking her head and then hissed when a piece of the glass pierced the pad of her finger.

"Here, let me see." Nathaniel tossed his bow on the bed, pulling loose a glove and taking her hand into his – pressing lightly enough to make sure no glass had lodged inside the cut. "You shouldn't have picked that up with bare hands."

"I'd assumed the scars and calluses would protect me," Elissa noted, wryly – biting at her lip when Nathaniel pressed again and then wrapped a small bit of cloth around it to staunch the bleeding.

"Don't move." He stood, walking into the study to grab a broom and returning to sweep the glass away from the more heavily foot trafficked areas until it could be dealt with later. When he felt certain it was gone, he helped Elissa to her feet, reluctantly allowing her to maintain a slight physical distance afterward as they adjusted to standing alone together once again. "Now that the crisis has been averted, would you like to tell me what's going on?"

"I was trying to apologize, to be more like you want for me to be," she muttered, shifting anxiously under the weight of his stare and feeling quite a bit more exposed than she cared to be at this stage of her life. "Is this not what you wanted?"

Nathaniel looked around the room again, trying to reconcile what he'd believed to be waiting for him behind that door with what he'd actually found there. She was making an effort, an effort far beyond anything he'd ever expected of her – and though that should have calmed his anxious heart, it made him more unsettled. It was clear from looking at her that she was far outside of her comfort zone.

"Elissa… I—"

"I _knew_ it. I was trying to do something that the old me would have done, but I've botched it all up and now you think I'm crazy." Elissa flopped down in a nearby chair, picking absently at a piece of cheese on one of the full to over flowing plates upon it.

"I don't think you're crazy, Lissa. I think you're about ready to climb out of your own skin at the moment." He settled in the chair across from her, ignoring the minute flinch when he used her nickname and considering it a small victory that she hadn't yelled at him like the first time he'd fallen into old habits. "All of this, everything you've done is… well, it's very nice – but it's also not at all like you to apologize on such a grand scale. Especially when it comes to things of this nature. It makes me wonder if there isn't something else at play here."

Her eyes flickered up to his, narrowing into annoyance as she realized what he was getting at. "I didn't spend my time in the Deep Roads asking Stroud for moustache rides, if that's what you're insinuating."

"Thanks for that visual. I suspect I'll never get it out." Nathaniel cringed, shaking the very idea away before getting back to his original point. "But you have to look at it from my perspective. You've prepared a candle light dinner, drawn me a bath, and you're wearing… whatever that might be. I'm normally lucky to snag a few minutes of your attention and now… What would you think if you were me?"

"I suspected it was too much but I… I felt awful about the way that I'd left things and I just wanted to…" Elissa's words trailed off, and she drew in a deep breath – trying to collect her thoughts and emotions and channel them into something manageable, something she could give voice to. "I'm flawed, Nathaniel. I'll likely always manage to botch this up and I'll never be the girl you wanted to marry all those years ago. But I am trying, and I do care for you. You deserve to know that. You deserve more than what I've been giving you."

"Elissa…" Nathaniel sighed, rubbing his hands across his face and walking over to kneel beside her chair, reaching up to turn her face to his. "I don't want an illusion, and I don't want more than you can give me. I want _you_; to know that I'm not in this alone, that I'm not fighting to hold onto something that you don't want the way that I want it. I don't expect extravagant gestures, though I'm not complaining about them… I only ask for an occasional reminder that you feel this too."

She watched him for a moment, taking in everything that lay behind his silver eyes. He was still every bit the young man she had fallen in love with, tucked behind the bookcase in her father's study playing hide and seek with Fergus and Delilah. She'd been ten and enraptured when he dragged her down the hall by her hand insisting that she be quiet or else ruin it for the both of them. She'd been fascinated from the moment she laid eyes on him, but it only took that one moment, that one touch, to set it all in motion. It had been an electrical charge, as though something lit fire to the very blood in her veins – and she felt it still, all these years later, as though nothing had changed.

But things had changed, _everything_ had changed – their worlds turned upside down. They'd both lost everything and everyone, sold their souls to survive the devastation that swirled around them like debris caught in a wind storm, given up hope that the part of themselves lost when Rendon Howe had shattered them would ever be regained. And then, they were found again – standing on opposite sides of cell bars and wondering how it had come down to this.

Nathaniel had always believed, his faith in the power of their connection so certain, so unshakable. Elissa had fought against it with every fiber of her being, kicking and screaming and denying what had always been true, what _would _always be true. They belonged together.

"You should go enjoy that bath before it gets cold." All the things she felt, all that she wanted to say, but those were the only words that would come out.

He kissed her cheek, his laughter low as he stood. He knew what she was saying though there was little sentiment in the words she chose, and in that moment, it was enough.


	5. Chapter 5: New Recruits and Old Injuries

_**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** Got another chapter completed and up, and hopefully another couple on their way soon after. I cannot promise the speed or regularity of previous Books, but I can promise you that I have not abandoned this tale - or the remaining books ahead. Thank you for your patience!  
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_Thank you to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my betas **Snarkoleptic **and **artemiskat **who got a bit of a editing break but jumped willingly back to action when I was able to get a new chapter out in her direction.  
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_*revisions added 5/15/2012  
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_Happy Reading!  
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_-Frayed One  
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* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Five: New Recruits and Old Injuries<strong>_

"You should stay in bed."

"What? All day?" Elissa glanced back over her shoulder at Nathaniel, chuckling at the casual way he leaned back against the headboard of the bed they shared. It was well past noon and she was only now extricating herself from his grip – though she had admittedly not put up all that much of a fight.

"I don't see what it could hurt at this point." He shifted, resting his head on an elbow as he settled into a position from which he could more easily watch her attempting - once again - to dress for the day.

"Nathaniel…" she sighed, popping her head out from behind the privacy screen for a moment and arching an eyebrow at him – though he could see that she was anything but annoyed for a change. "I've been gone for nearly a month. There are things I have to see to, people to meet with, and far more paperwork than I'd like to think about piled up on the desk in the next room. That isn't going to go away no matter how long I stay underneath those blankets and pretend it isn't there."

"Then we'll lose the blankets." He smirked, letting the only sheet that had managed to remain on the bed during their last… session… drop to the floor as he stepped toward the screen to retrieve her.

"How is that even possible?" Elissa glanced down to see that he was fully prepared to go another round though they'd only finished the last one a few minutes before.

"Weeks, Lissa. You've been gone weeks. And we were apart for years before that." He tugged her closer to the bed, working loose the shirt she'd just managed to put on and leaning her back against the bed. "I doubt there will ever be a time when it _isn't_ possible."

Her skin tingled from the light brush of his stubble against her it as he trailed kisses down her body, stopping to settle between her thighs. "Once more, and then I have to go."

"As you wish, Commander."

She felt rather than saw the curve of his smile, and gave in to the arch of her spine as he pressed his lips against her apex and started to send her over the edge once again.

* * *

><p>When Nathaniel finally made his way down from the Master Suite it was well into the afternoon, so he detoured his usual pathing straight to the practice range to try and catch a quick meal in the dining hall.<p>

"Keep smilin' like that your face is gonna crack right open," Oghren muttered around a mouthful of food.

"I don't smile." Nathaniel settled his features back to neutral, clearing his throat as he pulled up the empty chair beside Sigrun.

"I _told_ you there was nothing to worry about." Sigrun was perky as ever, bumping her shoulder into his and giggling into her mug.

"I was never worried." The Archer tossed a hunk of bread into his mouth, ignoring the barely hidden chuckling of the group around him in response to that assertion.

"Aye. An' I am never drunk." Oghren's muttered reply set the whole table to laughter, and Nathaniel could feel the last of his tension easing away.

"New recruit's got a mouth on him." Theron tossed an irritated glance in the tall swordsman's direction, and Nathaniel listened to the laughter of his own group of companions bubbling up in response to whatever tale he was currently spinning for them.

"_Probably not a good idea to call his attention to that…_" Jowan's whisper was almost lost in the jumbled noises of the dining hall, but Nathaniel's hearing was keen and so he focused even harder on what the young man was saying.

At first it was just the typical swagger of the young. Beautiful girl, perfect body, assumed interest. The language he chose was vulgar, but Nathaniel had heard it all before. He'd been with military men for years and now spent large portions of his days with Oghren. Why this particular conversation should bother him was a mystery to him, until he heard the last thing he'd expected to hear.

"So, the Commander, is she – you know – being taken care of?" The young man shoved another hunk of bread into his mouth, chewing at it as though he hadn't eaten in weeks while he waited impatiently for an answer.

Kallian Tabris was another of Oghren's newest group of warriors. The city elf wasn't known for holding his tongue, but now he glanced nervously at the adjoining table's newest member before addressing the new recruit's inquiry. "We don't usually talk about the Commander's personal life. She isn't exactly the chatty type."

"What? That's nonsense. Elissa talked to me plenty when we were in the tunnels." The warrior snorted, leaning back in his chair with a self-satisfied smile. "Maybe she just doesn't talk to _you_."

The company around the young warrior shifted uncomfortably, feeling the silver-eyed stare of the Lieutenant Commander weighing heavily on the table in anticipation of anything else the newest arrival might have to say. Oghren cleared his throat and shifted in his seat when Nathaniel brought his attention back to his own companions looking for answers none of them seemed anxious to provide.

"The voice of youth is often pitched in arrogance," Theron said, munching on a mouthful of bread and making sure to catch Nathaniel's eyes. The elf understood the fragility of the human heart, and had come to Nathaniel on many occasions seeking his advice on navigating the often treacherous waters of relationships.

"Theron is right, Nathaniel," Jowan insisted, nervously tapping his fingers against the table until Theron stilled them with his own. "And that one… well, he hasn't shut his mouth since he got here. Some of the stories he tells are downright outrageous, and I've heard a lot... I-I-I've _seen_ a lot."

Nathaniel tried to tune out the chatter at the next table; to focus on the woman whose bed he had shared only an hour before he'd made the incredibly poor decision to seek out company for lunch – but all that was lost when the warrior began to speak once again.

"A woman like that needs a certain kind of man to walk beside her," the dark haired youth bragged, tossing up a grape and catching it casually in his mouth.

"And you're under the impression that man is you?" Kallian snorted, rolling his eyes and sending a rumble of laughter through the others seated nearby.

"Elissa and I have a connection. It's hard to explain, really. But it goes beyond the obvious physical elements… though there is definitely plenty of that." The youth ignored the nervous motion of several of his dining companions as they removed themselves from the table, realizing in horrified fascination where this was going. "Everyone's _seen_ her body – the armor she wears it's hard not to – but I actually got to put my hands on several parts of it, and I can assure you, it more than lives up to the legend."

Nathaniel was up after that, making no effort to calm his temper or control the scene he was making as he shoved himself away from the table and trudged out of the dining hall. His empty chair clattered to the floor, drawing the attention of the young man who had set it all in motion.

"Guess some people can't stand a little competition," Carver snorted, ignoring the mortified stares from all those around him.

* * *

><p>"Carver is a bit of a blowhard."<p>

"So that's his name," Nathaniel snorted; focusing himself on the bull's-eye he'd been drilling arrows into for the last hour and refusing to make eye contact with Sigrun who had finally made the effort to seek him out.

"You should focus on the probability that he's simply a young soldier who has developed a crush on his rather legendary commander and is now embellishing certain aspects of their introduction to make friends in a foreign environment," the perky dwarf insisted, perching on a nearby fence post and munching on an apple. "He doesn't know anyone here, Nathaniel – and from what I understand his introduction into our ranks was in no way voluntary. It's entirely possible he's just very misguided in how he is choosing to fit in."

"It's entirely possible he's spent the last couple of weeks fumbling about in the dark with the woman I love and I've been cuckolded into believing that she spent that time pining away for me," Nathaniel huffed; snapping another arrow down the field and grunting in satisfaction when it drilled right through the one he'd shot just before it.

"Has Elissa ever given you reason to believe her unfaithful?"

"There is precedent, Sigrun," The Archer replied, glancing in her direction before refocusing himself onto the target in front of him.

"With Alistair?" The dwarf snorted, rolling her eyes when Nathaniel turned back to her in frustration. "You and I both know that was about you. It had nothing to do with Alistair or the other Warden – it was about _you_, Nathaniel."

Nathaniel launched another quick succession of arrows down the course, frustration seeping from his pores as Sigrun watched, helpless to do anything but continue her attempt to reason with him.

"Carver has more testosterone than sense, and I'm inclined to believe that he's made all this up to draw the envy of his peers. Aside from the _way_ he talks about her being fantastically ludicrous, to say all of that within earshot of his Lieutenant Commander who everyone knows is actually the man seeing to her… needs… is particularly insane." Sigrun sighed when she still got no response, popping up from her seat and tossing the remaining bit of apple core off into the brush nearby. "But if you're determined to believe him, then it's probably best that you go and speak to her directly before she leaves for Amaranthine."

"_She's leaving again_?" Nathaniel hissed from between clinched teeth, and Sigrun flinched when the bowstring snapped awkwardly from his fingers sending the arrow he'd knocked ricocheting off into the side brush.

"I-I…" Her words trailed off nervously as she watched The Archer pace out to retrieve his arrows. She'd taken any ability he had left to focus his frustration on the mechanics of his craft with the last words out of her mouth. "I'm sorry, Nathaniel. I just assumed—"

"That she'd told me?" He snorted, snapping several of the arrows in the palm of his hand before throwing the whole mess into the dirt and walking away. "Why would she do that? I'm just the fool who shares her bed from time to time…"

* * *

><p>Nathaniel spent hours pacing the grounds, restless and angry, hoping that enough of his fury would dissipate that he could attempt some sort of civil conversation with Elissa before she darted out of his life once again.<p>

Peering through the study door to find her elbow deep in the stacks of reports that had piled up while she'd been away the last time, he could almost allow himself to believe that nothing had happened between his walking out the door that afternoon and finding his way back now.

She was a beautiful woman, weathered and hardened by time and circumstance, but scars and the progression of her condition had done nothing to mar the things that had drawn him and many like him to her from the beginning. He'd been a fool to think he was anything more than one more pathetic soul in an endless parade of puppets vying for her attention, a fool to think that she felt anything for him beyond the pleasures of the flesh.

"I was beginning to wonder if you'd decided not to come back tonight," Elissa mused, the edges of her mouth turning up in a smile as his movement into the room caught her attention. "I'm fresh out of ideas to lure you back, and you ruined the only negligee I own last night, so I'm glad you've returned of your own accord."

There was a flare of desire he couldn't suppress at the memory of that sheer fabric gone completely translucent when he'd tugged her into the warm water the night before, and he watched it transfer through the conduit and bloom to life in her eyes, pushing her to stand and walk in his direction. She trailed a finger across his chest with a smile, stepping through the archway that separated study from bedroom and expecting he would follow.

He felt her desire dissipate into confusion and then barely suppressed annoyance when he didn't do as she'd intended, and hid the curve of his own smile when she stalked back into the study a few minutes later to try and retrieve him.

"Something on your mind, Nathaniel?" She studied him closely, green eyes locked onto the silver of his own as she pushed the edges of the conduit trying to glean anything she could from his mind – but he wasn't going to make it that easy for her, not this time.

"I've met your new recruit." He watched the minute twitch of her pupils, a tiny dilation that would have been missed by most, but spoke volumes to those who knew what to look for.

"Carver?" Elissa snorted, rolling her eyes and strolling back into the bedroom. "I told you he was a bit… rough… around the edges. Just pawn him off on Oghren for a few days. That should crush quite a bit of it right out of him."

"You're right. Spending time with Oghren should certainly wear away any need he has to spin tall tales of his homeland." Nathaniel leaned against the archway, still refusing to follow her entirely in the direction she'd intended. "However, I doubt it will do much to suppress the all consuming obsession he has with his Commander being that Oghren is just as enamored with you as any of the poor, befuddled masses trailing along behind you, blind in adoration."

"What?" She spun back on him, eyes wide in surprise and barely suppressed laughter – until she realized there was no humor in his face or his words. "Where is this coming from?"

"Me, Elissa. This is coming from _me_." He was fuming as he moved forward, closing the space between them with the usual mix of desire and discord that seemed to determine their every motion these days. "This is coming from the fact that I spent my midday meal listening to a detailed description of the curves of your body as they felt beneath the hands of another man."

"Hmm…" Elissa nodded, pacing back into the bedroom and tossing several of the packed bags off of the bed.

"Hmm? That's all you have to say for yourself?" Nathaniel stalked into the room, slamming the door to the study behind him and cutting off any path for escape before they could hash out this their latest battle. "You aren't even going to deny it?"

"Why deny it? You've already made your mind up about what happened. Clearly anything I have to say on the matter is irrelevant." She sat casually on the bed, crossing her legs at the ankles and leaning back to hold his eyes as she waited for his response to her taunting words.

"What would you have me do, Elissa? All I have to go on is what I've heard since you didn't think it was worth mentioning. All I have is _his_ side of the story. You never bothered to tell me yours." He paced as he fumed, his temper rising higher and higher as her eyes followed him, seemingly unaffected by his distress.

"Would you like for me to?"

"I would like for it to have occurred to you to tell me about this _prior_ to my having found out via a third party, but being as that seems unlikely to happen, I suppose I'll take what I can get."

* * *

><p>Explanations led to arguments and arguments led Nathaniel back to bed where he now lay naked, tangled in sheets, with Elissa curled sweaty and sated against his side. He hadn't liked hearing about the young warrior's palm curled eagerly around the full swell of her breast, nor had he enjoyed his own reminiscing of the detailed assertions that Carver's explorations of her body had gone beyond those boundaries to which she admitted. But she had assured him those were merely the boastful words of a young man desperate to fit in – and he had read nothing in her eyes or her emotions to make him believe otherwise.<p>

"Anders?" He still couldn't believe it. A part of him had assumed that if he ever laid eyes on The Mage again it would merely be to bury the corpse left behind after Elissa put an end to what he had become. To find that she had not only come across him again, but had let him walk away unscathed, was almost more than his already fragile temper could bear.

"Anders," she sighed, dragging her fingers down the arm he'd draped across her abdomen. "I know you think he needs to be punished, Nathaniel. But I can't just put him down like a dog… I can't… He was my friend before he was—"

"An abomination?" Nathaniel snorted, feeling her tense against him and knowing if he didn't wish to spur her temper again he'd have to tread lightly. "Elissa… not taking my word is one thing, but Varel is not a man prone to exaggeration. You listened to his story of what happened while we were at Weisshaupt. You saw what was left of the Templar and Wardens sent to retrieve him. What is it you think he has become if not the very thing we all fear of mages from the moment they are born?"

"I think it's not as simple as you would like it to be." Elissa rolled over, leaning up on her arms to meet his eyes. "I think that he made a choice in our absence and that the choice he made had consequences beyond anything he might have prepared himself for. I'm not asking you to understand or to agree with the way I am dealing with—"

"You _aren't_ dealing with—" He watched the twitch in her jaw at his interruption, and silenced again, waiting for her to finish.

"Just give me some time, Nathaniel. Some time to see if I am right – because if I am right, then our friend… our _brother_… is trapped in a prison of his own making, and I gave him my word I would never allow him to be held in any sort of cell ever again." She held Nathaniel's eyes, waiting for him to accept her words – sighing when he did not. "If he is an abomination as you believe him to be, if he is gone to that extent, then I will do what has to be done just as I have _always_ done what has to be done. Have I fallen so low in your regard that you honestly believe I would let an abomination walk free into the world simply because the body it inhabits once belonged to someone I cared for?"

Nathaniel wanted to say no. He wanted to say that he believed her, but the part of his mind that watched her changing every day – the part of his mind that could feel the fluctuations in the mind and body of the woman he'd known since they were children – the part of his mind that watched her working hand in claw with monsters… that part hesitated to respond. He watched it register behind her eyes, and felt the flicker of pain and regret – brief though it was – when she realized that he too was beginning to understand what it was she had become.

She kissed his cheek and rolled away, leaving him to fight off his own conscience in the few hours left before she walked out of his life once again.


	6. Chapter 6: Buried Beneath

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_ When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** Yes. I realize there are some cryptic mentionings at the beginning that might drive some of you batty - but I assure you, everything will be revealed in time! :)  
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_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers. I honestly do love to hear from you guys :) And extra special thanks to my betas **artemiskat** and **Snarkoleptic** who got to wait around while I decided between the three different versions of the initial post-Deep Roads Hawke/Elissa interaction I'd put to paper before settling on this one.  
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_Happy Reading!  
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_-Frayed One  
><em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Six: Buried Beneath<strong>_

_Is there anything human left in me? _

It was hard to tell anymore, and even harder to remember what she'd been like in the before. He'd been angry. He'd had every reason to be. Still, she'd walked away – left him behind, again – in the name of an order now burning in her blood and a title she never wanted.

She stood at the bow of a ship now, halfway across the Waking Sea, but even that wasn't far away enough to give her room to breathe beneath the weight of responsibility and regret. She could travel to the furthest corner of the world and it wouldn't be enough – it would _never_ be enough. Death could bring no peace. She'd tried, and failed at what should have been the simplest of things.

_Do I even care? Would it change the path I have chosen?_

He loved her. He'd always loved her – but it was waning, eroding away in the face of the decisions she made, of the words she couldn't say to him, of the thing she had become. Nathaniel Howe, once resolute in the face of absolute despair, was starting to lose his faith – his belief in destiny, his belief that true love conquered all, his belief in _her_ – and it was breaking what was left of her heart.

She couldn't blame him, not when she really thought about it. She'd never given him much to hold on to. She'd asked more from him than should ever be expected. She'd walked away when he was all but begging her to stay. She deserved it.

_I am a monster. A beast. _

The morning she'd left for Amaranthine, she'd almost made it tangible. She'd almost handed over the gift she'd commissioned from Wade and hidden away in the bottom of her pack to be looked at for comfort in the depths of her own personal hell. A simple box, wrapped in simple paper, and what lay inside it was no more special than the parcel that held it – at least not to the outside observer. But what it represented… what it represented was unprecedented in her world.

She could have given it to him and changed everything. She could have given it to him and put his fears to rest – but instead she'd hidden it away in the shadows. Other girls had hope chests. Silly, frilly, lace-lined things where they tucked away wishes and dreams. She had a vault, a hidden vault in a stone wall that Rendon Howe had used to house unspeakable horrors.

Was she any better? Her vault was where hope went to die. Her vault was filled with broken promises and lies, with illusions and things that could never be, with a past dead and buried. Why she held to it… why she even allowed herself to imagine… it was useless.

If she had a heart she'd let him go.

But there was nothing.

* * *

><p>"<em>You're doing it again.<em>" Hawke's voice was a whisper, directed from the corner of his mouth so he wouldn't attract the attention of the rowdy crowd gathered in my room for our nightly game of Wicked Grace. "_The staring. You're staring._"

"What? No… I'm thinking." I cleared my throat and pulled my eyes away from the corner shelf and onto my cards.

"Thinking about whatever it was you read in those journals you weren't supposed to read." He laughed, straightening himself out and tossing a handful of coins into the pot at the middle of the table.

"I didn't read them."

Hawke snorted in response, and he was right to. I'd read them. I'd pored over every page. My brain was full of Warden secrets, and sketches drawn in such detail they started to show up in my dreams. I now knew what was in that murky vial – and it was all I could think about.

"This is the part where you put up or shut up," Isabela prompted, tapping her slender fingers against the wood to prompt me.

"Coin, dwarf. Cough it up or bow out gracefully before she takes more of your gold than she already has." Fenris had taken himself out of the running some time ago, but lingered to drink and brood regardless.

My hand was total crap, and I was far too distracted to bluff properly so I simply folded and went back to my mug of watery swill. The barmaid was already headed in the door with a newly loaded tray to replenish what we'd finished.

"'Eres a gent in the bar askin' ta speak with ya'." Alinth dipped down low to whisper in my ear, hoping not to alarm the more nervous and violence prone of my companions.

"I don't suppose he said what it was about?"

""E don't talk a lot. Soldier from the look of 'im, mercenary maybe." She shrugged as she stood, so I nodded my assent and she went back down to the bar to send him our way.

I watched the man in question ascend the stairs a few minutes later. Everything about him was nondescript, forgettable. Worn armor, ratty cloak, weapons that had seen so many battles it was surprising they still held any sort of edge at all. His face was hidden in the shadows of his cowl, and he walked with an exaggerated limp – back bent beneath years of strain. He was unremarkable.

Halfway into the hallway between my room and the stairs, something shifted. The spine straightened. The limp faded away, replaced with a familiar swagger. The edge of several nearly concealed hilts caught my eye revealing an arsenal of hidden weaponry, and the color of the cloak suddenly read navy instead of the dingy grey I'd imagined in the shadow of the stairwell.

When the visitor crossed the boundaries of the archway into my suite, the curves that made her anything but a man were apparent – and the flash of green inside the shadows of that cowl removed any doubt from my mind on who it was that had requested an audience.

The chatter silenced as she came to a stop at the end of the table, settling the half empty bottle to rest and drawing the hood away to reveal her face.

"Well I'll be damned," The pirate snorted, dropping her cards to gawk up at the woman now standing beside her. "If it isn't my saucy siren…"

"_Izzy_…" The Hero sighed, rolling her eyes when the other woman did nothing to conceal the appreciative pass of her eyes over her armor clad body.

"What? It's not as though you can expect me to forget—"

"Iz! I didn't come here to… reminisce…" She cleared her throat, uncomfortable at just how much of her past the body language between the two of them revealed. I'd never seen the woman so much as fazed by another living soul. It was almost humanizing.

"Maybe later," Isabela replied, reaching up to swat her appreciatively on the ass before going back to her cards. The Hero cringed and then refocused her energy on refitting the usual mask of disdain she wore for the world.

"What _does_ bring you here, Warden? Why would someone of your… stature… come down slumming with us in the dirty underbelly of Kirkwall? It seems rather… beneath… you, don't you think?" Hawke's tone was anything but friendly.

The two had not parted on amicable terms, and it had continued to eat at him long after we'd reached the surface and put our brush with grandeur in the past. The Hero chuckled, and though it was by no means congenial, neither was it completely free of mirth.

"Certain circles would probably think so," she pulled out an empty chair and settled herself into it with a casual ease that betrayed how uncomfortable she actually was in a room full of strangers. "But I've done my time with the upper crust, both as _The Hero of Ferelden_ and as the Teyrn of Highever's only daughter… turns out I'm far more at home in steel and leather than I ever was in gold and silk. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that."

"Even so, why all the cloak and dagger? You could have just walked in here and asked for me. Or Varric if the idea of speaking to me directly again was so unpleasant to you." Hawke folded his arms and arched back against the chair, trying to smother his irritation in his usual easy arrogance.

"If it's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that anonymity provides a clarity one often cannot gain from titles and torture." The Hero smiled, an expression meant to soothe made menacing with the lilt of the words falling easily from her lips. "As you seem to have become the adoptive family for one of my Wardens, I wanted to see what it was you were into – aside from raiding the crypts of long dead dwarves of course. One can't be too careful these days."

"So this is about Anders?" Hawke tensed even more.

"In part," she admitted.

"Anders doesn't talk a lot about his past, so I don't know all of what happened – but I can see enough written on his face to know that a part of what broke him ties directly back to you and your… _Wardens_… so if you think you'll get him without a fight, you're sadly mistaken." The tension in the room grew tenfold, and I watched the muscle in Hawke's jaw begin to flex rhythmically as he waited for The Hero's reply.

"Anders is no one's property. Not yours, and certainly not mine. Thus, if he has no desire to return with me of his own free will, then I would never seek to drag him back against his wishes. That would make me no better than the Chantry that jailed him simply for having the gall to exist, and though I am a great many monstrous things… I like to believe I am still above _that _extreme." She folded her arms and leaned forward, making certain to seek out the golden-brown of his eyes underneath the messy mop of his hair. "That having been said, I think it's time that you and I make something very clear because obviously haven't gotten it yet. _If_ I had come here to reclaim one of _my_ men, _if_ I had come here for Anders, I would be leaving with him – and there is nothing you could do to stop me. If you have gleaned as much as you claim about what brought Anders here, then you know that is no false claim – and if you haven't, there are those in your company who can recount for you first hand or in the bard's tongue when it comes to just what I am capable of with regard to those I care about. No amount of bravado can change that. It would happen, make no mistake. It's simply a matter of whether I simply leave with my Warden or I leave with him after I dispose of your body."

"Is this how you get through life? Threats? Do you ever say anything that isn't laced with dismemberment and death?" In his favor, Hawke didn't flinch – though I knew him well enough to know he was nowhere near as sure of himself on the inside. The Hero's record was well documented. Those who crossed her rarely lived to tell the tale themselves, but there were plenty who witnessed the wreckage trailing in her wake.

"I employ various other forms of coercion when they suit my needs, but if I attempted to use my _feminine wiles_ on you… well, we'd both know it was nothing more than a falsehood used as a means to an end. It's insulting to the both of us. Threats? There is no question in the motivation behind those. No question that I will follow through if I am required to do so. Threats can be surprisingly effective, if you have the muscle to back up your mouth." She smiled again, leaning back casually in her chair and reaching over to snag her bottle with nimble fingers.

There was a lengthy period of silence where those of us not involved in the battle of wills waited to see who would win and weighed our options if it came down to choosing sides in this particular altercation. What it was that turned the tide, I can't say – but eventually Hawke relaxed and reached for his own mug – diffusing the tension for the moment.

"So you've _seen_, whatever it was you came here to see. You've lurked down in our bar and watched for a few hours, can—"

"Oh I've been here for several days now." The Hero cleared her throat, sitting her bottle back up on the table with an arrogant tilt of her head.

"Impossible," Hawke's arrogance bled back into his features at a full tilt now that the imminent threat of disembowelment had begun to dissipate from the room.

"Let's not forget that up until a few moments ago even Varric, who I'd imagine to be the brains behind this operation, believed me to be nothing more than a grizzled soldier lurking in the shadows of a bar." She smirked, fiddling with the lip of the bottle once again. "I know where you live, where you play, where you find your odd jobs. I _know _about the clinic in Darktown and the selfless Healer who cures all ailments for free. So you see, if I'd come seeking anything other than what I admitted to the moment I revealed myself, I'd already be gone."

"Then why it is that you're here? Aside from being impossibly cryptic and dropping not-so-veiled threats?" Hawke had long since run out of patience being on the receiving end of the mind games he usually orchestrated and I could feel the tension filling back into the room.

"Believe it or not, I came to deliver news on your brother's behalf."

"Carver?" Hawke snorted into his mug, slamming it down to the table with more force than he'd probably intended. "I doubt he cares what I think now that he's out from beneath my shadow, certainly not enough to send _you_ here bearing his regard. Beyond which I was given the impression the Wardens didn't give news to family. Once you're in, you simply vanish to the world at large."

"It's true. The Wardens in general tend to… _frown_… upon relaying information to the families of those conscripted into our ranks. There are many secrets of the Order. Secrets much easier kept when people don't feel the need to unburden their souls to a loving wife or a grieving mother." The Hero's eyes passed in my direction, and I could feel the nervous twitch of my throat as I swallowed down my own fear that she knew about the journals I had confiscated from her messenger. The journals now stored in the corner shelf of this very room. "But, from what I've heard of your mother I thought that perhaps… Let's just say I understand what it is to carry the burden of others on your shoulders. And I've never really been one for following the rules."

Hawke cleared his throat after finishing off what was left of his ale, pausing for a moment to scratch at his beard while considering her offer. The Hero made no motion to rise or push the conversation further. Her offer had been made. It was up to Hawke to decide its sincerity and either accept or reject it.

"Alright then." He drew in a deep breath, pushing back from the table and standing to stretch his legs. "Let's go see Mother before she retires for the evening. I will warn you, my uncle is likely to make multiple passes at you, some of which might involve more groping than Carver got in during his delirium."

"Is your uncle fond of his hands?" The Hero muttered, sharing a companionable chuckle with Hawke as he led her out of my suite and into the noisy lower portion of the bar.


	7. Chapter 7: Finding Truth in Lies

_**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** I know the chapters are much slower in coming, but I hope that the content and quality makes up for the quantity :)  
><em>

_Thanks to my readers, reviewers and followers for taking the time to come along. And again, thanks to my betas __  
><em> _for being patient as I waded through several versions of this chapter to decide on this one in the end._

_Happy reading!  
><em>

_-Frayed One  
><em>

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Seven: Finding Truth in Lies<strong>_

It was late when The Hero parted ways with Hawke at his newly acquired Hightown Estate and made her way through the winding maze of tunnels that would lead her to the Darktown Clinic where the remainder of her Free Marches concerns lay sleeping.

Hawke's mother had been overly kind to her in the wake of news with regard to her youngest son, and it had taken every bit of self-control she had left within her not to chastise the woman for her constant need to belittle her eldest. While she might not care very much for the arrogant mage's way of running things, she did have quite a bit of sympathy for the weight he carried.

Whether he had chosen to be or not, Morgan Hawke was a leader. He'd held his family together following his father's death. He'd gotten them safely out of the path of the Blight. He'd found whatever work he could to get them into Kirkwall and keep food on their table and a roof over their head and yet Leandra Amell – as she was now calling herself – had no kind words of gratitude. At least, not for her eldest son.

Despite Elissa's repeated assurances that she had done nothing extraordinary in recruiting Carver, and that it had in fact been her son's quick thinking in seeking her out which saved his brother's life – Leandra seemed singularly focused on crediting the legendary _Hero of Ferelden _with anything regarding her youngest son's survival. An hour of that, coupled with Uncle Gamlen's wandering hands, was as much as she could take, and so she used the dwindling daylight to make her excuses and leave.

She could see that Hawke didn't blame her as he escorted her to the door. Whatever issues lay between them, this was a burden they shared, a commonality that they could not deny. It tied them together in spite of their differences, which was more than either of them had the energy to think on at the moment – and so they simply offered a few quick parting words and went on their way.

* * *

><p>The lantern outside the Darktown clinic was still burning when she arrived, and so she knew Anders was inside – though she doubted he had anywhere else to go. There were few safe havens for mages in the city of chains, and even fewer for those in his… condition.<p>

She pressed the wooden door open slowly, not wanting to startle him. Even were they on better terms, it was unwise to scare a mage under the best of circumstances – but she needn't have worried. Anders sat hunched over several stacks of parchment, scratching words frantically onto the paper. He didn't notice her approach. She doubted he noticed anything.

"If I'd known you were so fond of paperwork, I'd have shared my burden long ago." Elissa slid her hand subtly down to the hilt of a hidden blade, just in case he chose to respond to her unsolicited intrusion with violence.

"Elissa?" He was startled at first, pulling magic into his hand before he knew consciously what he was doing – but it dissipated just as fast, though the frustrated creases on his forehead at laying eyes on her again did not. "What are you doing here?"

"Would you believe me if I said I was concerned for a friend?" The cold crack of his laughter was answer enough, and so she took in a slow breath as he stood to retrieve his cup of long cold tea. "I thought not, though that is what brought me here."

"We're long past the point of lying, Elissa – even lies of omission."

"It's no lie, Anders. I did come here out of concern for you, and you not believing it doesn't make it any less true." She pulled herself up onto a nearby cot, making herself as comfortable as she could before starting in on the real meat of the conversation and noting that Anders tensed further when it became obvious she wasn't going to leave. "As far as omission… then yes, simply saying I was concerned does omit what it is I am concerned about – though I wager you know all too well what has brought me here."

"I'm not going back, so if tha—" He was shaking, and he knew it. This was not a fight he wanted to have, not now and not ever.

"I found the bodies, Anders. What was left of them at any rate." She waited for her words to sink in as he continued to talk over them, pausing patiently until he stopped speaking and turned to her with wide eyes. "The First Warden is insisting I retrieve you because, in his words, _one does not leave the Grey Wardens_. The templars have declared you an abomination and instructed that I should kill you on sight."

"And which one of those directives have you chosen to follow?" Anders tried to keep his words calm, to silence the voice raging in the back of his mind and wait for her answer.

"I told you long ago I would never imprison you in a life you did not want. I am not the Circle, Anders. That has not changed. Whatever it was that made you walk away from the Wardens, if you come back to The Keep or to The Order at all, it will be because you choose to do so – not because I drag you back against your will." Her words should have soothed him, should have been a reassurance, but she could see that they did not – and she drew in a deep breath knowing that the truth she had feared to discover was now staring her in the face.

"Then I suppose we both know what has to be done." He sighed; rubbing at his forehead and Elissa could see the exhaustion rolling off him in waves.

She was so lost in sympathy for him in that moment, she didn't notice the change in his posture until she was pinned back against the support post that stabilized the cot with his hand at her throat. Anders was still there for a moment, the Anders she had known – hidden beneath the worry, strain, and exhaustion – and then he was gone, lost in a flash of blue light that crackled across his skin like bolts of lightning and lit his eyes from within.

"You should not have come, Warden." Though it was Anders' mouth that continued to move, it was not his voice Elissa heard, though it was one she recognized.

"And what exactly is it you expected I _would_ do, Justice?" She felt the grip waver when she said aloud the name of the culprit she had expected was behind this from beginning, though it pained them both to hear it – as though the echo of it in the air made something awful very, very real. "You left me little choice. I have kept them off your trail for as long as I could, and will continue to – because Anders is… Anders _was_ my friend. You both were. But you cannot slaughter innocent—"

"_None_ that were innocent died that day!" The hand at her throat grew tight again, and she watched the energy cutting across his skin fluctuate with the spirit's anger.

"T-taking Anders without my consent was wrong." Elissa struggled against the fingers pressing into her throat, holding the bright blue orbs where Anders' eyes should have been and hoping that something in her words would convince the spirit to alter this course before she was forced to retaliate. "And I have no question that the templars they sent to gather him showed no mercy, but the world is not black and white, Justice. I knew those Wardens and they were _good _men. And I know templars who are good men. Cullen, Alistair—"

"And yet these _good_ men would set aside that which makes them honorable to consort with you?" The spirit chuckled, leaning in closer to her face and reaching up with his other hand to stroke at her cheek in a gesture that would have been intimate were it not for the words pouring out of his mouth. "They would sacrifice themselves down to their very souls for the chance to kiss these lips, to lie in the grips of wanton lust between these thighs."

"I am twisted. I am dark and flawed, but I have never denied this. I have never hidden it." Elissa tilted her chin up defiantly. "But _you_ are not above reproach, Justice. Not before and certainly not now for this… vessel… you have chosen has lain with me too, and if choosing to be with me – if choosing to _love_ me marks the soul – then _you_ are marked, too."

The spirit raged then, taunted into action by the truth of her words – truth which he could not deny as he searched the memories of the body that served as his host. He slammed Elissa's head against the post, hard enough that she saw the world shimmer and go dark for a moment – hard enough to mark the post with her blood – blood that hissed and crackled as her own anger began to take control.

"Should I be frightened?" She was laughing, and this seemed to spur both confusion and further rage within the spirit. "Did you expect that I would sit here trembling like some simpering waif pleading with you for my life?"

"I expected you would be a bit more concerned with having finally come face to face with an end you cannot slither out of like the snake that you are." Justice's voice hissed out from between Anders' clinched teeth, his face now so close that she could feel the brush of his nose against her own.

"Oh, you underestimate me, Spirit." Elissa smiled, broad and fearless, and watched as the confident set of Anders' jaw started to fade further in the face of her unwavering belief that she had nothing to fear. "There are things about me you do not know, and I never walk into a situation unprepared. You should search the memories of the body you hold hostage a bit more thoroughly."

She watched the expression on her former friend's face become quizzical as the spirit accessed the memories etched into Anders' mind, and saw the moment he hit the knowledge he had gone in search of. There was a moment then; a literal blink of an eye, when Elissa disappeared and The Beast emerged in the swirling crimson depths of the void where her eyes used to be.

"Do you really want to test your strength in such a way? I mean, I suppose it's _possible_ I could lose. It's possible you could tear me to shreds the way you did those poor men in the forests of Amaranthine." She felt the hold on her throat relax again, watching the spirit increase the distance between his physical body and hers as she spoke. "But it's also possible that _I_ could tear that pretty package of yours limb from limb, and I'm guessing you have plans that would be hindered should you lose your host in such a way."

"You would do such a thing? You would take the life of your friend?" The spirit was not convinced, but she could see it wavering in the face of her bravado.

"I once made a promise to Anders that I would never allow him to be made a prisoner again. I would have slaughtered an army of templars to prevent that. I would have razed their stone fortress to the ground with my bare hands. What makes you think that this is any different?" She leaned forward then, closing the distance the spirit had opened and gritting her teeth in anger. "Now, let me speak with Anders so that I can determine what it is I intend to do, or strike your blow now and we shall see which of us emerges the victor."

"I concede, for now." The spirit smiled then, and released his grip though he made no effort to increase the distance between them. "But make no mistake, Warden. This is not over. I _know_ what you are."

Another blink and the crackling blue light faded, and she watched as Anders shook off the dizzying effects of losing control of his body, quickly shoving her own darkness into submission so that she could finally speak with her friend without being limited by the things they could not say.

"Elissa… I-I…" Anders shook off the last of his disorientation, taking a few hesitant steps toward her and noting the red that would soon turn to the deep purple of a bruise where his hands had clasped at her throat only moments before. "Did he… did I—"

"I'm fine, Anders. It's you I'm worried about." She pushed up off the cot with her words, watching him turn his back to her, shoulders slumping from the bolstered ego that the spirit had pulled out of him into the broken, weary man he had become.

"Then you've seen…" He looked almost ashamed as he turned back to her, refusing to directly meet her eyes.

"I have verified what I already suspected," Elissa replied.

"And now that you've verified, what is it you intend to do?" Anders looked up to find her gaze then, and she could see the worry written on his face as he waited for her answer.

"For the moment? Nothing. Unless you give me a reason to believe you are a further danger to yourself or to others." She watched that worry ebb back out of his features when he realized that she neither intended to kill him or to force him into submission because of what he had allowed himself to become. "For now, I simply want to observe for myself."

"You're staying here? In Kirkwall?" The worry was back, just as easily as it had gone.

"Not forever, but for a time."

"You're Warden-Commander of Ferelden, Elissa. Surely there are more pressing matters than hanging about the Free Marches babysitting me." Anders was frustrated now, though Elissa couldn't be sure whether the emotion belonged to him or the spirit hiding just beneath the surface.

"Right now, my pressing matters are here, Anders. I have kept those seeking you off your trail as best I could, and I will continue to do so for as long as I can. But eventually they _will_ find you. And when they come, we are going to need to have a plan." She folded her arms resolutely, listening to him sigh as he worried with his hair.

"This is my burden to bear, Elissa. Not yours."

"I made a promise to you, Anders, and it is no less valid now than it ever was. I will not hand you over to the Circle to be jailed, nor will I allow you to be hauled off to Fort Drakon. And I have seen the… facilities… that Weisshaupt Fortress has to offer first hand, so I won't be handing you over to them either." She was pacing now, her own mind racing as she thought of the myriad of ways this could go wrong – even more wrong than it had already gone.

"They-they _imprisoned_ you?" Anders took a step toward her, snapping her head back in his direction to see a flash of fury cross his face that she was certain to be his own.

"It is a long story, for another time, but yes – I have seen the inside of the Warden prison facility – and I'll not be sending you there." Elissa cleared her throat, and held his eyes. "If you are to answer for any crime, it will be to me and to yourself. I will not see you dragged off to be held accountable for things these imbeciles cannot possibly understand."

"And you can?" Anders snorted, shaking his head as he paced away from her.

"I have my own darkness, Anders. You have seen it with your own eyes." She watched as recognition started to replace the suspicion written on his face. "I know we are far from… I know we may never be what we were, but I can help you. I understand your situation better than anyone else can, better than anyone ever will."

She made no motion to approach him, simply waited for her words to sink in before nodding and turning toward the door. There would be no forgiveness given, not tonight, but progress had been made - and that was enough.

"I've purchased a small flat in Lowtown, not far from where your friend Hawke used to live with that _awful_ uncle of his. When you are ready to talk, he will know where to find me. Until then… just be careful. Whatever has happened between us, I do care for you. That has never changed." He had no words for her, but she had expected as much, and so she simply turned and disappeared into the shadows of Darktown leaving him to ponder all that she had offered.


	8. Chapter 8: Revisiting Old Ghosts

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ Another long delay between updates, I do apologize. I hope the longer chapter will be an acceptable exchange :D_

_You will recognize some of the content as having been included in a possible side quest from Act I of DA:2, though we are into the span of time between Act I and Act II in the story at this point having already been to and exited the Deep Roads with Hawke and crew. It worked better for me to use this occurrence here both to help further establish why Elissa has come to Kirkwall, and to fill the span of time between Acts with something other than nonsense. I have also somewhat altered the "cast" of said side quest (though I stand by my belief that one of the people included was absolutely who Bioware intended whether they call him that or not). Hopefully this isn't too much of a distraction from following the story._

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my wonderful betas _**_artemiskat_**_ and _**_Snarkoleptic_**_!_

_Edit posted 9/8/2012._

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Eight: Revisiting Old Ghosts<strong>_

"You are an intimidating woman." It was the first thing I said to The Hero when she returned to lean against the arch of my doorway _much_ later in the evening than I was used to receiving guests – not that I would tell her such a thing. Elissa Cousland wasn't someone you dared to refuse under the best of circumstances.

"Only when you take my things." Her reply carried no malice, but the fold of her arms across her chest as her eyes drifted over to the stack of journals and single vial in my corner shelf was nothing short of accusatory. "_Repeatedly_."

"I didn't take the map." There was a slight chuckle as I stood to walk to the shelf, and I took that as a sign I could turn my back on her for a second and not fear the sharp prick of her blade against my spine. "I took it from someone who took it from you. There's a difference."

"Perhaps," she conceded, holding out her hands to retrieve her belongings and considering the offer when I waved my now empty palms toward a nearby chair before settling back into my own. "Still, you seem to have a remarkable propensity for ending up with them. Care to enlighten me as to how you got these?"

"Dead messenger." I said the words without thinking, popping open a bottle of some of my better spirits and filling a cup for her as she sat down – only to glance up to find an arched eyebrow and an exceptionally cross expression now reading on her features. "_Not_ dead by our hands, dead when we found him. I was going to send what I retrieved from the body to Carver. I wasn't comfortable putting such… sensitive… information in a dead drop."

"But you _were_ comfortable reading it for yourself?" She watched me fight a physical reaction to her words.

Elissa Cousland read people. Though to be fair, all of those in our particular trade do, but The Hero… she read them better than most. There was something in the way she looked at you that made it clear she knew what you were hiding no matter what words you might choose to bury the truth.

"To be fair, I never intended to read them. Not in the beginning." I took in a long deep breath, and trudged forward with the truth – knowing that anything else was useless at this point. She knew I'd read them just as she'd known I had them. "But I'm a rogue and a story teller. It was like tempting a drunk with the rarest vintage of wine he could ever know. Eventually I couldn't resist taking a peek. Then I was reading a page here, a page there. Then I was up all night reading it again… I… someone should be telling this story, someone sh-"

"Plenty of people tell this story." She drummed her fingers against the table next to the journals, eying the vial that sat atop it the way that a thirsty man might eye his first glass of water in days.

"With all due respect, Hero, _no one_ tells this story. I doubt anyone actually knows all of it. I doubt anyone really knows _you_." I was testing my boundaries now, and it was written in the furrow of her brow as she pondered whether to respond in anger or simply not to respond at all. "Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong."

"It is _easier_ that way." She pulled her eyes away from the vial and tossed back the bitter liquid I'd poured into her cup moments ago, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment against the burn before settling the empty vessel back to the table. "I am what I am required to be. Hero, villain, it's all the same in the end. I fill a role. I play a part. Nothing more."

"At the very least, it is a part you have sacrificed and continue to sacrifice a great deal to play." I refilled her cup, waiting for a response and hoping that it didn't come at the tip of a blade.

"What you read in those journals…"

"Wasn't meant for me to know. I am aware of that." I cleared my throat, and settled back into my chair – watching her weigh her need to hide that information away from people she did not yet know and trust against the value of a single unknown quantity – that quantity being me. "And as I have no burning desire to meet my end in this particularly dank Lowtown corner, your secrets are safe with me. It's just that—"

"Just that what?" She snorted into her cup, putting it down on the table empty again with an exasperated sigh and a roll of her eyes. "You're _concerned_ for the path I'm walking? You're worried about my well being?"

"Well, yes actually. Shouldn't someone be?" I was expecting neither the quick read of my intentions, nor her casual dismissal of them, and both of them threw me decidedly off my game.

"I assure you, plenty of people are. And you… you don't even know me…" She was stacking her things then, and pushing back from the table.

"I know the type. So willing to throw your life away for people who might not even deserve it. So certain there is nothing left in you worth being saved." She paused, tucking away the vial in one of many hidden compartments in her armor and smiling a sad half-smile to no one before looking up to me one last time.

"If you think I have anything of value left to offer this world aside from my sword and my blood, then you _really_ don't know me." She turned then, merging into the shadows of the hall until all that was left was a voice. "Thanks for the drink, dwarf. I'll be seeing you."

* * *

><p>The next few weeks passed in a whirlwind of tension. The Hero would randomly show up to accompany us for whatever task we'd managed to acquire, though sometimes I was fairly certain that Hawke sought her out intentionally in an attempt to strengthen the slight bond they'd formed after meeting his family.<p>

Even when she wasn't there, you could feel her watching, and though I was certain it was The Mage that kept her attention, it didn't put me any less on edge. The attention of the Warden-Commander weighed heavily upon us, even more so than the eyes that had been watching for months before we'd stumbled across her in the Deep Roads.

"Tell me again, why _exactly_ are we here?" The Hero seemed particularly uncomfortable under the broad light of day, hiding in the shadows of her cowl though I was certain it couldn't have been easy to wear with the sort of heat one found on the coast of the Waking Sea.

"Like I said before, bandits," Hawke replied, sighing as he was forced to recount the information once again. "Someone lost some items and paid us handsomely to retrieve them."

"And these… _items_… that were lost. I'm sure they're perfectly innocent items. Puppies, kittens, fluffy bunnies… that sort of thing?" I couldn't see the look on her face, but I could imagine what it was well enough.

"I didn't ask. And what does it matter? Coin is coin." Hawke continued his trudge down the coast, completely unphased by her questions.

"The thing is, you don't _need_ coin. I've heard what you hauled out of the Deep Roads, and I've seen your estate. One would think you were above such… questionable... tasks at this point." Hawke stopped then, turning back to her and causing her to come to a sudden stand still rather than run directly into his chest.

"What's the matter, _Hero_? Afraid of getting a little dirt on those pretty hands of yours?" He smirked at her, having begun to map out exactly how her mind worked and just how best to prod at it.

"I assure you, there is far more dirt and blood on these _pretty_ hands of mine than you are likely to see in your lifetime." She snorted, pacing past him to continue down the coast. "And if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, do _not_ call me that."

"I don't know what you expect me to call you. It seems like everything out of my mouth is off limits for one reason or another." Hawke staggered to a stop when she spun back on him in the bend of the next curve.

"That's because everything out of your mouth either advertises who I am to the general public, which I'd rather not do, or somehow relates to my being in possession of a set of breasts which you can't seem to stop looking at long enough to focus on the task at hand most days!" she snipped, snapping her fingers in his face when he glanced down just as she'd predicted he would do.

"They're fantastic breasts. You should be flattered so many admire them, myself included. I'm quite the catch, you know?"

"_You're_ a pig." She spun away again, huffing off down the hill and leaving the rest of us scrambling to keep up until she paused at the cliff's edge, shading her eyes with a hand and looking off into the distance for any landmarks she might recognize.

"What's so bad about Hero?" It was Fenris that spoke, breaking his silence for the first time that day, though Anders frantically shook his head to stop him from continuing.

"It was a stupid title given to me by a silly man who _should_ have taken the credit for himself." she replied, not bothering to turn to acknowledge any of us. "It is not my name. It's not who I am."

"I suspect the king would probably take issue with being called a _silly man_, don't you think?" Hawke said, ignoring the lengthy sigh right before Anders started to rub his forehead in preparation for whatever was coming now.

"The king has been called worse, and these days I doubt he gives much thought to anything I say or do so long as it doesn't impact his throne in a negative fashion," The Hero replied, dipping down behind some bushes at the crest of the next hill and waving the others in behind her.

"Bandits?" Hawke tried to peek out through the bushes before she swatted his hand down.

"Unless your bandits are a rather large group of Dalish archers picking a fight with what appears to be a single human, I'm going to go with no."

"Then why are we stopping?" Hawke was up again, and walking back the way we'd come, intent on finding what we'd come out here in search of rather than wasting time scrambling about in the bushes.

"Because retrieving ill gotten and possibly illegal goods for strange men in bars at the mention of coin might be what _you_ do, but making sure someone gets a fair fight – that's what _I_ do." She turned back to inspect the situation again, and I watched the tension flowing back into her body, winding her up like a spring. "_That_ is no friendly chat. That is an army seconds away from slaughtering a single man, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and allow that to happen before I know what's going on. Now if you lot want to scurry off to find your bandits, fine by me, but I'm going down there."

"Very well." Hawke sighed and adjusted his robes before settling back down in the dirt next to where The Hero crouched in her attempt to better read the situation. "But should my _coin_ manage to escape while we deal with whatever that is down there, I expect to be reimbursed for my loss."

"Tell me, Hawke… was I ever going to see any of that coin you were promised in exchange for the retrieval of those goods?" she asked, offering him a knowing half smile to which he did not reply. "That's what I thought. Now, if what I _think_ is going on down there is what's actually going on – it's best they don't know who I am for as long as possible so…"

"So you need _me_ to go and play bait for you?" Hawke sighed and stood, taking a few seconds to brush the mop of dark hair out of his eyes and paste on his most convincing smile before walking off down the hill and waiting for the rest of us to fall in behind him while The Hero did her best to remain inconspicuous at the back of the pack.

* * *

><p>"My clan has suffered enough at the hands of your kind, and yet you were allowed to walk away unscathed while we buried the bodies of those <em>you<em> had slain!" The angry elf was practically spitting in the face of the much taller man as Hawke approached, her silver hair falling lose from its restraints in her fury. "Well not this time. I have tracked you, _all_ of you, and I will not rest until you pay for what you've done."

"My dear lady, you look as though you could use a mediator," Hawke offered with a smile, casually positioning himself as close to the angry woman as he could without drawing too much attention. "Perhaps I could offer my services. I'm quite good at sorting through problems and coming to logical solutions."

"We need no mediation, Shem! As soon as I claim this disgusting piece of filth's head, we'll be on our way," the elf replied, drawing her bow and taking a menacing step forward. "I have no quarrel with you, and unless you wish for that to change I'd suggest you be on your way."

"Now, now… let's not be hasty." Hawke stepped between them, expecting an outbreak of violence at any moment though the man onto who the elf was projecting all of her venom had made no move to defend himself or to flee. He was well armed and armored, and it would have been easy for him to do either, which made Hawke wonder what else was at play here.

"I cannot undo what was done to your people, Dalish. I can only apologize. I was a monster then, but I am no longer." The man stood calm in the face of the elves' rising tempers, all of them spurred into further fury by the calm rationale of his words.

"Apologize! You think _words_ can undo what you've done to us?" Another of the elves stepped forward, forcing the rest of us to prepare for what was inevitable.

"The time for talking is over." The silver-haired elf paced forward again, fighting against Hawke's arm as he tried to hold her back.

"I wonder, does your Keeper know what it is you're off doing?" The Hero's voice was not loud, but it silenced everyone around her – snapping the silver-haired elf's head in her direction.

"What would you know of our Keeper or our kind?" The elf turned her bow in The Hero's direction, shifting her focus for the moment, though she watched the man out of the corner of her eye should he choose to run.

"Enough that I am certain Lanaya knows neither where you are nor what you are up to at this moment. She would never approve of this, Mithra." The crowd parted as the elf stormed in The Hero's direction, drawn by a list of names few outside of her clan would be familiar enough to know.

"How is it that you know my name? How is it that you know our Keeper?" The elf demanded, the point of her arrow now leveled at The Hero's throat. "Reveal your face, Shem. If you are so certain of these things, then why do you hide in shadow?"

The Hero dropped her cowl. It was a subtle gesture, but the impact sent tremors through the elves in the crowd – and even the lone human in the bunch showed a small reaction to her presence before he neutralized himself once again.

"_You_!" The elf spat on the ground at her feet, raising the bow once again, this time with certainty. "They call you _Hero_, but it's a lie. You could have given us justice; instead you sided with these monsters. You _killed_ our Keeper and left an imposter in his stead."

"I did not kill Zathrian, Mithra. He sacrificed himself to end the curse that had tormented both your clan and the humans who lived in the Brecillian Forest for centuries. You may not wish to believe it, but that is the truth." The Hero stood unflinching and fearless. Whether it was an act meant to intimidate or what had become her simple acceptance that death was always moments away, I couldn't say – but she made no motion to retrieve her weapons nor did she falter in response to the amplified temper of the elves around her.

"So you say, but who was there to verify – to speak for us? These creatures you… spared? Your _friends_? We could hardly take their word anymore than we can believe your lies!" Mithra replied, waving her hands about frantically.

"What about Lanaya? She felt Zathrian's passing. She knew he was at p-"

"Lanaya did not know Zathrian as I did!" The words themselves revealed little, but the look in the elf's eyes verified what Elissa had suspected once and for all – the connection between the former Keeper and the woman standing here had been profound.

"Mithra…" Elissa sighed, features softening as she took a slight step in the other woman's direction. "Losing Zathrian was… you lost _more_ than the others, I know this."

"You know _nothing_, shem!" Mithra spat, her arm trembling with her rage and sorrow.

"I know what it is to suffer a loss so profound it scars your soul. I know that better than most," The Hero insisted, stepping forward again. "I know how the rage can consume you, how the grief can poison everything you touch. If you want to wallow in self-pity, no one can stop you. If you want to hate me, then do it – you won't be the first or the last. But do not do this, Mithra. Do not drag your people, your clan, down with you. Do not let your hatred destroy them all."

"I am not destroying them, I am saving them!" the elf insisted, eyes alight with a maniacal sort of energy that put all of us on edge – there would be no talking this woman down. "I am saving them from the monsters you set loose on the world! I am saving them from looking over their shoulders and wondering when it is going to happen again!"

"How many of the cursed have returned to your wood?" Elissa asked, watching the stern guise on the other elves faces falter when forced to acknowledge that fact. "How many have you even seen that you have not gone in search of to have your vengeance?"

"They would return if we did not seek them! Monsters do not change!" The elf turned back to the man in question then, pointing her bow back on the original target.

"You know that I cannot let you do this, Mithra." Elissa was in motion then, drawing one of her long swords from its sheath and reaching for the other.

"We do what we must, _hero_," the elf replied, a quick twitch of her head sending the other elves into motion and forcing Elissa's companions to respond by arming themselves as well. "I do not ask for your permission and I do not apologize for doing what must be done."

There is a moment at the beginning of battle, a brief pause when time itself stands still and the combatants – if they are the sort to pay attention to such a gift – receive a glimpse of what is to come. In that span of seconds, in that flash, I saw the death of the man we had stopped intending to save.

Even now with the venomous elf's fingers plucking back the bowstring he made no move to dodge, to block, to draw a weapon in his defense. It was inevitable. The Hero with her unnatural reflexes could not move fast enough to prevent it – so when the arrow flinched off at the last second over the cliffs at our side – even she glanced over to catch Hawke's wink with more than a slight amount of surprise.

For a time afterward, we pulled our punches – even though those we fought against offered us no such kindness. It was clear that, for whatever reason, The Hero did not wish to take the lives of these elves – but there came a point when that was inevitable. One by one, rather than sacrificing our own life and limb to their insane need for this warped justice, we took them down – until only one remained - bruised, bleeding, and broken on the ground at The Hero's feet.

"I rarely ask for favors, and I do not beg, but I am pleading with you now, Mithra. Do not make me do this. Enough blood has been shed today and your life is not one I wish to claim." She was sweaty and bloodied in her own right, but her blade was loose at her side, not pressed to the other woman's throat as the tales of her vengeful nature would have you believe it should be.

"Kill me if you must, _hero_, but I will offer you no such capitulation. My people deserve more. Zathrian deserves more!" the elf spat, bracing herself for what was to come.

"You're right. They do," The Hero responded, a quick twitch of her wrist leveling the tip of her blade to the woman's throat and pressing it home with brutal efficiency then watching with a distinct sadness as the last twitches of life bled from her body.

She pulled the blade out a few moments later, kneeling down to press the elf's eyes closed before cleaning and sheathing the weapon. As the last breath passed from the elf's lips, The Hero stared into the rapidly setting sun off the coast for a moment, before drawing in a deep breath of her own and stalking off into the nearby brush to pull free any loose branches she could get her hands on.

"It's alright to just leave the bodies, you know?" There was an attempt at humor masking the concern in Hawke's words, but the barely hidden glance in my direction made it clear he was uncertain how to deal with a woman who was exceptionally volatile even when she hadn't been forced to slaughter a dozen people. "Or, if you're worried about scavengers, we can always kick them over the side there."

"_Not_ _helping_," Anders hissed, clearing his throat when she paced by dragging several branches and tossing them into a pile near the bodies, then turning to retrieve more.

"Then tell me, Anders, how does one help someone intent on covering a slew of elf corpses with branches rather than simply moving along so we can accomplish what we came here to do before we lose the last of our light?" Hawke had reached the point of exasperation, having found no predictable pattern to The Hero's moods and long since lost the inclination to continue to feign sympathy.

"She isn't covering them." Fenris paced by, his voice much more neutral than normal though his eyes flashed irritation and disgust in Hawke's direction. "She's building a pyre."

The lanky elf drew his blade and began carving out more branches from the surrounding scrub brush, sharing a quick nod with The Hero in passing as she continued to work on stacking them into the tidiest pile she could manage. Eventually Anders offered his help, as did the stranger we had saved from his impending demise. As darkness came upon us even I lay Bianca aside and helped to move the bodies into position, and drew a long breath of relief when Hawke eventually caved and did the same.

When the fire was lit, The Hero stood in silence, staring through the flames into the waters off the coast.

"Just when I think I have finally made some progress in figuring you out, you throw me off again." They were the first words that Hawke had dared to say to her since his poorly chosen commentary about kicking the bodies over the edge.

"Perhaps you should stop trying," she responded.

"You are a beautiful woman, and you have a far bigger heart than you would prefer the world to see." Hawke listened to the quick snort of her laughter in response, watching the wind whip her flame colored hair around even more wildly with the shake of her head. "But there is a darkness in you that is hard to see beyond at times. I'm only trying to understand—"

"I neither need nor want your understanding."

"See, I don't think that's true." Hawke's reply was swift, allowing her no time to sidle her way out of a conversation that was clearly making her uncomfortable. "I think you want very much for it to be true. I think you try very hard to let that be all that anyone sees. But I think in the end it's a lie you tell yourself because it makes things easier."

"And this would be why I don't normally travel with people outside of my Wardens," she sighed, rubbing at the bridge of her nose for a moment before turning to look at him. "You see one moment of my day, and one brief flash of my past, and think you've suddenly gained some sort of insight into the deep, tortured recesses of my soul."

"Oh, believe me. I have no grand illusions that I could figure you out in the span of a day – or even the span of a lifetime." Hawke chuckled, shaking off her scorn and pressing forward on his path. "But I saw something today. I saw you offer mercy to those who would show you none. I saw you try to reason with those long beyond the capacity for it, simply to save lives you felt unnecessary to sacrifice. I _saw_ The Hero you claim so vehemently not to be."

"What you _saw_ was further proof that no matter what I do, it will always be the wrong thing – it will always mean sacrificing some lives in exchange for another. What you _saw_ was my choosing - once again - to save my friend rather than listening to what might have been the wisdom of a larger group of people who had every right to be angry and every right to live." Her eyes flickered over to the stranger who stood just outside of the reach of the flickering firelight, pacing in the darkness.

"Elissa…" As soon as the name left his mouth, Hawke knew he had no right to say it. He had not yet earned it.

"I suspect I'm done with the sharing for tonight." She turned away from him again, watching the bodies crumble to ash within the flames. "Go. Find your bandits. I know my way back."

"She'll be fine," I assured him, sensing his hesitation to abide by her request. "I'm fairly certain she's faced much worse than anything these cliffs could hide."

"Someone should see to our rescuee, should they not?" Hawke glanced at the lone man we'd saved from the angry gaggle of elves hours before, and who had yet to say a single word of thanks or even acknowledgement to any of us.

"He's waiting for Elissa," Anders explained, quickly drawing the attention of the entire party. "That's Swiftrunner."

"Wait? That man we rescued is The Wolf?" I'd heard tale of the man from Anders when he was in one of his chattier moods, rare though they were, but I never thought to meet him – especially not under this particular set of circumstances.

"One and the same. And I suspect they have quite a bit to say to one another." Anders glanced back at the pyre one last time, watching the man in question drift out of the shadows and into the circle of light closer to where The Hero stood, then turning to head up the path toward where we'd tracked the bandits' earlier progress.

* * *

><p>"Once again I have saved you from an angry pack of elves." The Hero's words were emotionless, but the tension in her body as her old friend drifted into the light of the funeral pyre gave away just how much she was actually feeling in that moment.<p>

"It would appear." His voice was low, and he watched the flick of the muscle in her jaw and waited for whatever else she was going to say.

"Dastan… the time will come when they find you and I am not there to intervene." Elissa's face remained as blank as she had trained it to become, but the former werewolf could read in her eyes just how much it pained her to think on that eventuality. "Why won't you fight back? You have just as much right to this life as they do."

"If I fight back, I give credence to their accusations. If I fight back, then I am again the monster that I was back in those forests. I would rather die than become such a thing again." His response was nothing she hadn't already expected, but still nothing she wanted to hear – and he fought his own response as he watched the weight of the world pressing down on her once again and recognized his personal contribution to it.

"This vendetta was supposed to end with Zathrian. This was supposed to be one of the few things I did right, not another line of bloody bodies dead by my hand or as a result of my decisions." She drew in a long breath, rubbing her hands over her face before turning to address her friend once again. "Warn your people to take care when next you visit the Peak. I suspect Mithra was not the last of her clan to wish for your ends, and though they will be safe within those stone walls, should they venture out into the world I cannot guarantee they will not meet a sticky end."

"I will relay a message to them as soon as I report back to the King." He knew that the mention of her former friend and lover would pain her just as much now as it had when they ended things some time before, but he could not lie about what had brought him here to the Free Marches, and he suspected she knew as much already.

"I assume Alistair has you here watching the situation with the Chantry much the same as I am watching it myself," Elissa replied, waiting for the quick nod he gave her in response.

"The king's relationship with The Chantry and The Circle is… fragile… at best, even in Ferelden where I am fairly certain they fear should they step out of line again that you will swoop in and behead them at any moment." There was a low chuckle, and then a subtle clearing of his throat as he got back to the point. "But whispers of your unsanctioned intervention on behalf of several mages who have been labeled maleficar—"

"_None_ of the mages I have conscripted into the service of the Wardens have been maleficar, Dastan. They simply didn't want to wear the shackles the Chantry attempted to impose upon them and so it became easier to brand them as such." She folded her eyes over her chest and stared off across the water.

"I do not think escaping the twisted morality of The Chantry normally results in ripping men limb from limb and leaving their remains scattered about the forests of Amaranthine." He knew he was stepping into dangerous territory, but both his concern for her and his loyalty to the king would not allow him to walk away without addressing the issue they both knew _really_ brought him to these shores.

"If he were a danger, I would have taken care of him myself already." She sighed long and low, but did not turn to look at him. "I would hope that both you and Alistair still have enough faith in me to believe that I would not loose that sort of danger into the world whether they had once been my friend or not."

"He is no longer simply a man, my lady. Watch him carefully, and watch yourself. The king is not the only one who has found him, and while we will delay our decisions in favor of yours – the others who seek him will not be so likely too cooperate with your agenda."

"I am well aware." She pulled her hood back up, turning away from her old friend and hiking back up the coast toward the city proper. "Take care, Dastan."


	9. Chapter 9: Disobeying Orders

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ A little back story/bridge chapter here that I hope you will enjoy!_

_Antivan Translations:_

_1. Lady Death_

_2. Butcher's Son_

_Thank you to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my wonderful betas _**_artemiskat_**_ and **Snarkoleptic**!_

_Edit posted 9/9/2012.  
><em>

_Happy reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Nine: Disobeying Orders<strong>_

_In the darkness, there were voices, but this was not unusual. For a Warden there were always voices – the chant of the hive, growing louder with time, becoming harder to ignore – harder to resist._

_In her mind there was a single voice that called out above the rest, whispering suggestions she was much more likely to consider when her conscious mind wasn't actively pushing them out. _

_It spoke of many things. Promises. Advice. Predictions. Both truth and lies – though the line between those grew ever dimmer with time. Tonight it spoke to her of one thing above all else. Danger._

_Surely it was wrong. She would sense something lurking there in the back of her mind, weighed down by exhaustion and lubricated with alcohol and sedatives though it was. But then, something stirred..._

* * *

><p>Elissa struggled to wake, wondering if it hadn't been a mistake to toss back that last vial before she'd surrendered herself to the Fade, as good as the idea might have seemed at the time. In her sleep-addled state, she hovered very close to panic, absolutely sure that her decision to seek lodging in this particularly nondescript corner of Lowtown was going to be the death of her. She should have moved into the posh Hightown estate only a few steps away from Hawke rather than keeping it as a façade to be used when necessary. It was a mistake to value her anonymity above her life.<p>

She took in several shallow breaths, attempting not to alert whomever had invaded her home to her newly awakened state, and the panic passed – for in that moment she gained clarity. The minute creak of leather armor told her that he stood in the shadow near the head of her bed. The slight rustling said he was not yet armed, but was attempting to become so – all of which meant she had precious few seconds to grab the blade from beneath her pillow and strike the first blow.

The leather of his armor chafed against her bare skin as she slammed him into the wall hard enough to knock his blade free, shifting her wrist quickly to press the tip of hers into the soft flesh of his throat. She could feel his pulse increase, though the jolt of desire that suddenly ran the length of her body made it clear it wasn't simply fear that amplified it in such a way.

"And here I thought we'd moved past the picking locks and stealing into one another's quarters under cover of darkness phase of our relationship." Elissa sighed in relief that she would neither kill or be killed this evening, but did not release her hold on the intruder.

"In my defense, I did knock several times before picking the lock and letting myself in." The rumble of Nathaniel's laughter vibrated through him and into her, intensifying the press of his armor into her skin in a way that was not entirely unpleasant to her. "I'm guessing that whatever came out of that vial left you less than aware of your surroundings."

"Do you really think pinned against the wall at the tip of my blade is the best time at which to lecture me about that?" Her brow furrowed. They'd been down this road before, and it never went well.

"Do you really think it's wise to sleep in such a state when you are so thoroughly inebriated that you are not aware of an intruder who knocks at your door before breaking and entering until he is lurking in your bedchamber?" His eyebrow arched before he glanced down the length of her bare body, and he laughed again when she huffed and shoved him away, pacing back toward the foot of the bed to increase the distance between them.

"Perhaps I intended it to serve as a distraction." Elissa settled back against her bed, lounging lazily against an elbow and smirking up at her lover through the sleep tousled curls of her hair. "It worked well enough that I got the drop on you."

"I never had any intention of actually doing you any harm, Elissa, and you know this." The fold of his arms across his chest showed her just how irritated he was with her continued carelessness when it came to her well being, though she could read enough of what he hadn't shut off to know that he was far more turned on than he was angry. "But what motivates your next intruder isn't likely to be as innocent."

"I wouldn't call what's motivating you at the moment exactly _innocent_." She chuckled, allowing the slight moan he brought out of her to pass her lips when she saw the flash of reaction to her assertion in the grey of his eyes.

"Nor would I," he replied, shaking loose his bow and quiver and placing them carefully against the wall before moving to work on removing his armor.

"Leave the gauntlets on for a bit, if you would." She watched his eyebrow raise again in question, before the curve of his smile told her he would indulge her request if only to see what reactions he could draw from her body.

Nathaniel was as fastidious as usual with the removal and folding of his garments, and Elissa longed for him to simply be done with it already, drawing in a long sigh of relief when he finally made his way to the bed in only his linen pants and the gauntlets she had requested not be removed.

"These… _desires_… of yours are going to cause permanent scars to one or both of us eventually." He drew the rough leather of his gauntlet down the length of her body, only half stifling a moan out of his own mouth when she arched her breast into the palm of it, encouraging him to squeeze harder than he'd originally intended.

"You cannot lie to me, Nathaniel," she rasped, drawing in a sharp breath of air when his other hand settled on her hip and shifted her pelvis beneath him. "Even if I couldn't feel the length of you pressing against me, I can read your mind well enough to know that you draw just as much pleasure from these dalliances as I do. To know that I walk around scarred as a result of our passions would be some sort of erotic victory in your mind and it is pointless for you to pretend otherwise."

"I do not wish to be that man, Elissa." The pace of his breathing increased as she wrapped a leg around him and pressed him harder against her core, stretching up to her graze his throat with her teeth. "Yet, the harder I work to banish him, the more you push to draw him back out."

"We are who we are, my darling, there is no use in denying it." Elissa laughed at the sharp hiss of pain she drew out of him when she sank her nails into his lower back, rumbling her approval with a purr when he responded by pinning her arms hard against the bed and leaning forward to sink his teeth hard into the flesh of her shoulder.

Suddenly beyond the need for rough foreplay and desiring nothing more than to have him inside her, Elissa struggled harder against Nathaniel's grip than he'd anticipated, forcing him to press the leather and metal studs of his gauntlets into the skin of her wrists with enough pressure to draw blood.

"In a hurry?" His laughter was raspy and broken as he ran his mouth down her neck, kissing and biting at her as he drifted down toward her breasts.

"_Now_, Nathaniel." It was a command, one she expected to be obeyed and not ignored - which he seemed intent on doing while he continued his assault on her left nipple.

"I thought you wanted to play?" He smiled up at her, releasing her breast long enough to toss a wink then going right back to what he'd been doing before; drawing a long loud moan that forced his body to thrust against her in response.

"We can play later. I doubt you've come all this way simply for an overnight visit." She struggled against him, determined to have her way. "Now stop toying with me and take off your pants!"

"Ah, but then you get your way, and where is the fun in that?" His smile was devious as he shifted his grip to hold her wrists with one hand so that he could drag the other gauntlet slowly up the length of her thigh, teasing at the very edge of her pelvis but refusing to make contact with the parts of her she most wanted to feel his caress.

"What's it going to take?" Elissa panted, biting softly at her bottom lip when he traced the arc of her pelvis with a leather clad finger. "Tell me now before I'm forced to resort to more violent tactics."

"I never thought I'd see the day when _Doamna Mortii_ was willing to negotiate." Nathaniel laughed; cupping his hand over her sex just enough to tease her further but keeping it still no matter how hard she attempted to jar him into motion with her hips. "You must be _very_ desperate."

"There will come a time, _Hentes Fia_, when the tables are turned and you will find yourself at my mercy. I suggest you think back upon this when facing whatever tortures I might conceive of in those moments." Her words were shaky, and barely more than a whisper but Nathaniel had no doubt that she would live up to every lust tinged threat that had spilled from her lips as soon as she was given opportunity. "Now, tell me what it is you desire so that we might both have our needs seen to."

"Say it." He watched her jaw tense, and felt the thrash of her body as she fought his hold once more in response to his demand.

"And if I refuse?" Her nostrils flared with her irritation, and she fought to suppress the moan that shook through her body when he tapped his fingers lightly against her core.

"Then we see how long I can keep at this before you're left begging me for mercy." He tapped again, and then stilled, feeling the pulse of anger followed immediately by an even stronger pulse of desire that carried over to him through the conduit. "You may as well say it, Elissa. We both know I have a great deal of… stamina."

"I want you…" Her breath was coming in pants now, and he was forced to pin her hips down lightly with his own just to keep her from thrashing so hard against him she hurt them both.

"I am well aware that you _want_ me, sweetheart. That has never been in question – particularly not now when you writhe beneath me like a cat in heat." He smiled, knowing he'd won this round, regardless what she might do to him later. "I want you to say the words. Now do us both a favor and just spit them out rather than continuing to pretend you don't know what it is I want to hear."

"I love you, Nathaniel. I'm likely to kill you later, but I love you regardless," she hissed, sighing gleefully when he released her hands and allowed her to reach down and release him from his pants, shifting her hips in an attempt to guide him inside her – then, just as quickly she stilled, drawing Nathaniel out of his desire fueled fog to find her listening intently to something coming from the other room.

"What is it?" he muttered, tossing a half glance out the door before moving his mouth back down to nuzzle at her neck.

"Shh…" She tucked a hand in between them; covering his mouth enough to silence any further questions and deter his actions long enough to grant the focus she needed to be certain. "There is someone in the other room."

"Blast…" In his distraction, Nathaniel had completely forgotten what brought him here in the first place – and now, anticipating Elissa's less than favorable reaction – he cursed himself for being so easily consumed by his need for her.

"Tell me you haven't had Stroud in the front room _listening_ this entire time!" Elissa hissed, shoving him over and yanking the sheet off of the bed to serve as a drape long enough that she could address the issue. "Honestly, Nathaniel, the man is a righteous prig – but I don't see how overhearing even more of our personal business than he already has is a punishment to anyone other than you and me!"

"Elissa…" Nathaniel tried to deter her movement, reaching out for her arm but failing to grab it before she made it out the doorway – then falling back on the bed with a sigh. "…You don't want to go out there like that."

* * *

><p>It was late when I found myself making a long loop by The Hero's Lowtown shack, or early I suppose – depending on how you wanted to look at it. Even as I wound myself through the near-deserted streets, I wondered how it was Hawke had talked me into "dropping by" to visit a woman who wasn't known to welcome uninvited company even when it wasn't showing up directly on the heels of a less than pleasant trip to the coast. Yet, here I was, rounding the corner to her door – only to find that someone had beaten me to it.<p>

I hid myself in the shadows of the nearby alley, watching as one of the men knelt to pick the lock while the other kept watch over the streets nearby. It was only as the watcher stepped a bit further out into the moonlit streets that I recognized his face and released my hold on Bianca, breathing out a quick sigh of relief as I made my way over to speak with them outside The Hero's door.

"She tends to frown upon having her locks picked," I offered, watching both men reach for their weapons as I drifted closer to the door.

"Varric?" Carver released the hilt of his sword, holding a hand out toward the other man to indicate it was safe to do the same. "It's alright, Lieutenant. The dwarf's a bit mouthy, but harmless to us – and I'd assume the Commander. He's one of my brother's friends."

"Oh, you wound me, Junior. Here I thought you and I were bosom buddies." I chuckled, watching the other Warden continue to inspect me with suspicion before he turned back to work on her lock. "And again I say, the lady doesn't tend to favor having her home broken into. Have you tried, oh – I don't know, knocking?"

"Clever dwarf," The Archer snarked, rolling his eyes. "That thought never occurred to me."

"We did knock. Several times in fact, and she didn't answer. So rather than waking the less than desirables in this part of town by continuing to bang on her door, we opted to pick the lock," Carver explained, shrugging down at the other man when he seemed slightly annoyed that even these minor details were being shared with a stranger. "What are you doing here at this hour anyway? This shack isn't exactly on your way back to The Hanged Man."

"Your brother sent me by to request a favor," I offered, unsurprised by the disgusted snort I got in response to my explanation.

"Of course he did." Carver's annoyed grimace faded just as quickly as it had come, expanding out into a smile that I was sure came from nothing good. "I'll assume she continues to remain resistant to my brother's charms if he isn't out here himself."

"They tolerate one another slightly better than our first meeting, on most occasions," I conceded, unable to stop myself from chuckling as I thought on just how many times The Hero had rejected Hawke's numerous offers to keep her company. "But I wouldn't go out in search of wedding gifts anytime soon if that's what you're asking."

"Good. He isn't her type anyway." Carver sniffed, brushing his nose arrogantly before folding his arms back across his chest and continuing to watch the nearby alleyways for any sign of movement.

"I suppose you think her type is you?" I inquired, catching the tension that had knotted his lieutenant's shoulders though Carver remained ignorant of it.

"Done," the other man said, standing up and tucking his lock picks back into his hair then opening the door. "You two can wait out here. I'm sure she'll come out to speak with you if she's so inclined."

"Well that was a bit… brusque," I mused, watching the retreating back of Carver's Lieutenant Commander as he made his way down the short hall to The Hero's room.

"Don't take it personally. The Lieutenant isn't exactly friendly," Carver explained, settling himself into a chair and plucking a few grapes from a fruit bowl on the table. "Doesn't much care for discussing The Commander, or himself, or anything that I've found. Best to just follow orders and ignore the rest."

"Sounds like a stimulating traveling companion." I laughed and took a seat of my own, taking in my surroundings for the first time and noting the stacks of books and papers that lined all of the walls. I'd been in her Hightown Estate, but clearly this hole in the wall was where she actually lived.

"I'm just happy to get out of The Keep, though I was surprised the Lieutenant picked me to accompany him. We don't exactly see eye to eye." Carver sighed, and I suspected that was a bit of an understatement considering the reserved way the older man seemed to carry himself in contrast to the brash, abrasive nature that was typical of Hawke's younger brother. "I expect I'm little more than a diversion seeing as the Commander left specific instructions that he _not_ leave Amaranthine, and yet, here we are. But I don't mind being used as an excuse so long as it means I get to spend more time with the Commander."

"So your affection for your nation's greatest hero has continued even beyond your taint-altered mental state?" I smirked at him, recalling his fevered handful of The Hero's upper chest as our introduction to the woman.

"She's beautiful, brilliant, and knows how to handle a blade. What's not to like?" He tossed me a wink before diverting his eyes in the direction of the short hall when several clattering objects and a loud thud drew our attention. "I'm guessing she's awake now, and not too happy about it."

The sounds that followed in the minutes after could have been taken as that of a struggle, until one distinct moan from The Hero's mouth followed by a request that was most certainly _not_ a threat made it clear that whatever state she'd woken up in – she was not displeased to see her intruder was her lieutenant.

"I'm guessing she's awake now, and quite a bit more than just happy about it," I muttered, watching Carver's jaw tense and face color slightly red as he was forced to face something I had begun to suspect from the moment The Hero was mentioned in conversation outside her front door. "I'm also going to go out on a limb and say any time you spend with your Commander isn't likely to be spent in whatever fashion you were expecting."

"They aren't married. They aren't even public enough about their relationship for me to have known about it so how serious can it be? As long as that is true, I'm just as likely to be spending private time with her as anyone else," Carver insisted, folding his arms across his chest and obviously trying very hard to block out the sounds that continued to echo down the hall and the images that lodged in his mind to accompany them.

A few moments later, all sound stopped abruptly, and I started to feel very sorry for Carver's Lieutenant - until I heard him call out a half-warning followed by her heavy footsteps in the dark hall. I expected a very irritated and possibly half-embarrassed woman charging in my direction. What I didn't expect was one barely clothed skidding to a stop just inside the main room and quickly adjusting the sheet she'd adopted as clothing once she realized who waited for her there.

"Carver? I-I didn't know that…" Her words trailed off, and I watched the upper portion of her chest color when her newest recruit didn't even attempt to hide the appreciative roaming of his eyes over the large expanses of her bare skin. "_And_ Varric! I will kill that man…"

She rubbed at her face with her hands for a moment, clearly fighting to compose herself into a much less emotionally vulnerable state as she could do little to hide her body at the moment.

"What are you doing here?" The words were mumbled between her fingers as she worked to secure her drapery and ensure that as much of her as possible was covered by it.

"Lieutenant Howe asked that I accompany him with the intention of seeing my family while he attended to Warden business with you, I suspect," Carver answered, taking a hesitant step in her direction.

"I suspect otherwise, but that is not up for discussion at the moment." She cleared her throat, tossing a glance in his direction that froze him in place before turning her eyes back to me. "Besides, the inquiry was actually directed to Varric."

"Hawke asked me to stop by with a business proposition." I gave my answer as quickly and succinctly as I possibly could, knowing that her patience was even more lacking than normal under these circumstances.

"What business proposition could _possibly_ warrant a visit at this hour?" Her brow furrowed, but before I had time to ponder whether it was with irritation or confusion, another voice joined the group and drew everyone's attention.

"Nothing that can't wait until a more appropriate hour, I'm sure." The Archer strolled into the room clad only in his linen pants and marked with similar scratches and abrasions to those that I'd noticed on The Hero's bare skin. The look he tossed in Carver's direction was subtle, but unmistakable. Whatever it was Carver believed with regard to his Commander, he was being told in no uncertain terms to back off.

"It can't possibly take _that_ long to explain, Nathaniel." Her words were laced with irritation, and the red flush of her skin extended further when she saw the state of undress he'd joined the discussion in.

"It is late, Elissa. I am tired from travel, and I'm certain that our newest Warden could do with a night's rest himself. Besides, I believe we were in the midst of a rather… _emphatic_… discussion with regard to a high dragon which I'd like to finish before we turn in ourselves." The man folded his arms casually, and leaned against the door frame, waiting patiently for her to acquiesce.

"A high dra… you have lost your bloody mind." She shook her head, flushing even more profusely before clearing her throat and turning back in our direction. "Varric, please let Hawke know I'll be by to see him in the morning. Carver, I'll assume you can find lodging with your brother."

I watched it dawn on the young warrior that he would be finding a place to sleep alone, while his lieutenant remained here to finish whatever it was he'd started with their commander in the other room. The boy was never good at disguising his emotions, and that much had not changed.

"Yes, Commander." He stood and retrieved his weapon, turning to the door with me, though he looked back one last time to see The Hero being escorted back down the short shadowy hall by her lieutenant.

"Let it go, Junior. You've lost this round," I insisted, flinching when he slammed rather than shut the door and stomped off into the night in the exact opposite direction of his brother's estate.

* * *

><p>"I'm attempting to summon up some irritation for this lecture, but at the moment you seem to have fucked it right out of me… though I suspect that was your plan all along." Elissa rolled over, arching an eyebrow down at the man in question and settling her head against the palm of her hand.<p>

She was sated, and semi-smiling, but if Nathaniel had thought for a moment she was going to forget he'd disobeyed any number of orders in following her to the Free Marches, he was sadly mistaken.

"Not originally, but plans were altered when you threw yourself at me naked in the darkness of your boudoir." He laughed and shifted the pillow behind his head to put himself in a more upright position, reaching over to tuck a loose curl of hair behind her ear.

"You make it sound so _dirty_, when in truth I was simply defending myself from an intruder in the middle of the night." She pursed her lips at him, swatting down his hand when he started to laugh in response.

"_Naked_… you slammed me up against the wall and pressed a blade to my throat, bare as the day you were born." He trailed a hand down her back, pausing at the pool of blankets that tangled about her waist before ducking beneath them to squeeze appreciatively at her bottom. "Forgive me if I found that to be much more arousing than threatening."

"I'll thank you not to be distracting me again, _lieutenant_." She reached back and dislodged his hand, tucking the blankets tighter before pulling herself to a sitting position. "Why are you here?"

"I can't have just wanted to see you?"

"I'm fairly certain _that_ is the truth of the matter, however, what excuse are you using for disobeying a direct order and abandoning your post in Amaranthine?" She folded her arms across her chest and watched the man across from her tense slightly at the realization that no matter how jovial their reunion had been – she was still more than a little angry with him. "Other than bringing Carver to see his family and using him as a buffer between yourself and my temper."

"He isn't making friends, Elissa. He isn't even trying. He's managed even to rub Sigrun the wrong way and I'd thought that to be impossible." Regardless how he felt about the young warrior, he knew how hard it was to be plucked out of everything you knew and left to fend for yourself – and a part of him hoped bringing the young man back to his friends and family would help him to find some reason to try harder.

"He's young, and arrogant, and more than a little hard headed." She leaned back on her arms and prodded at his side with her toes. "I'd think the two of _you_ had quite a bit in common there. Well, aside from the young part. Neither of us are children any more."

"If you're expecting _me_ to take him under my wing, you'll be waiting a long time," Nathaniel snorted, reaching over to still her foot before tugging her leg across his lap and stroking at the bare skin of her calf. "There is barely a moment of silence he doesn't fill with talk of his Commander or questions with regard to her."

"He has a crush, Nathaniel. It will pass." She scratched at her nose, waving it off with her hand.

"What he has is an obsession, one that I am intimately familiar with. You cannot expect me to voluntarily spend my free time with someone who is singularly focused on finding his way into your bed."

"Again I must say that jealousy does not suit you, Nathaniel. Especially when you have nothing to be jealous of. I'm fairly certain any desires he may have had in my regard were rather firmly squashed when you decided to prance out into the front room half-dressed after having me crying out like some Pearl madam only a few moments prior." She kicked at him again when he chuckled in response, rolling her eyes when he feigned injury.

"We'll see. I doubt his affections will be so easily dissuaded." He stroked at her leg again, reaching higher up toward her thigh and the areas of her body currently covered with blanket.

"Oh no you don't!" She curled her legs away from him, clearing her throat and focusing herself once again on the question she'd asked several minutes before. "There will be no more of that until you spit out what it is that brought you here. I know you too well, Nathaniel. No matter how paranoid you'd become about what was keeping me so long, you'd never have chanced a trip without a reason beyond Carver's failure to assimilate into the Warden ranks as easily as we'd like for him to."

"While I will admit it was more than slightly disconcerting that you acquired not one but _two_ residences in Kirkwall, you are correct in that it was something beyond my concern for you that brought me here." He stood up and walked over to his pack, smirking to himself when he could feel the pulse of her… appreciation… when he turned to head back to the bed with the items he had retrieved. He settled back down in a comfortable position and tossed them in her direction.

"Post? You've come all this way to bring me _mail_?" Her brow furrowed in irritation as she shook the paper in his direction.

"Why don't you try reading it before you berate me?"

She picked up the first letter, immediately recognizing the seal as that of her own house in Highever.

"Fergus? He hasn't initiated contact with me since I refused to let him leave with your head nearly a year ago. Why in Thedas would he be writing to me now? " She glared up at the man across from her, knowing her long estranged brother would not have reached out to her unless someone had stirred up further trouble. "What have you done?"

"Why must you assume that it's _me_ that's done anything?" Nathaniel's temper rose as he watched her eyes scanning across the parchment, then her features moving from anger, to surprise.

"He's allotted you a large tract of land in Highever! He's restored your title, Nathaniel." It was his turn to register surprise, sitting up to pull the parchment free from her fingers and read the words for himself. "He's also apparently commissioned a rather large statue of you to be built and placed in front of Highever Castle, and so I ask you… _again_… what have you done?"

"Bandits… I-I saved your brother from some bandits that had somehow swarmed his hunting party." Nathaniel shook his head incredulously, reading over the words again as though somehow – this time – he'd make more sense of them.

"What were you doing in Highever?"

"I wasn't. Fergus was in Amaranthine."

"Fergus came all the way into Amaranthine to _hunt_?" Elissa's brow furrowed and her mind began to race through the list of things that would actually bring him out of Highever and within range of her forces.

"Doubtful, though he'd be well within his rights as Teyrn to do so." Nathaniel dropped the parchment into his lap and looked up to meet her eyes. "Look, Elissa. I have no idea what brought him there. I only know that I stumbled across him when I was out training with several of our new archers and managed to get off a lucky shot that stayed the hand of the man who seemed rather intent on claiming his head… and now…"

"And now you're nobility again." Her voice was measured as she inspected the man across from her for a reaction. "You had no idea this was coming?"

"None," he assured her, shaking his head before threading his fingers up into his hair. "Your brother wasn't exactly thrilled to have _me_ of all people coming to his rescue, and he'd been beaten pretty badly so conversation wasn't high on our list. One of his shoulders was dislocated, and there was a nasty gash on his leg that had started to show signs of infection. We took him back to The Keep, treated his injuries and those of his men who had managed to survive, and then he went on his way. I'd never have even mentioned—"

"You mend fences with my brother, my _brother_ who was your dearest friend for years until I came between you, and you had no plans to tell me about it?" There was no irritation in her words; something she could see made him even more uncomfortable with the conversation.

"And _this_ is exactly why…" Nathaniel sighed, shifting over on his side to reach up and touch her face. "It wasn't _you_ who came between us, Elissa. It was my father. It was the blood in my veins. Would it have been easier to have never loved you? Would it have been easier if I had never returned to Ferelden for you? Of course it would have. But given those choices to make again, I would do it the same every time. I have no regrets."

"I doubt that is entirely true." Elissa sighed, and turned her attention back to the other piece of parchment that Nathaniel had carried over from Amaranthine. "An invitation to Duke Prosper de Montfort's annual hunt and celebration? Why would you think _this_ deserved my attention?"

"It isn't the event, per se, but rather a relic that the good Duke acquired following the defeat of the Archdemon." He watched the look of confusion pass across her features and knew exactly what she was thinking even before she voiced the words. "I've been given the impression that in the wrong hands, that particular piece of Blight memorabilia could lead one straight to another of the Old Gods."

"You've spoken to The Architect?" She tried to keep her voice neutral, to hide the utter surprise that the creature would choose to meet with anyone other than her, but she could see that it wasn't working.

"Not directly, no, but I've kept our regular meetings with Gabriel and he delivered word a little over a week ago that they'd traced the artifact to the Duke's vault." Nathaniel pushed at the bounds of their connection, attempting to read whatever it was she was thinking that she was clearly trying very hard to hide – but found nothing, attempting to hide his own visible reaction when he felt her press closed her walls even tighter. "Seems the sort of thing we might wish to liberate from its current facility."

"Why would The Architect request such an object?" Elissa tapped at her lower lip with long fingers, her mind working to find a logical reason he would seek something with this particular ability. "He claims to want nothing to do with the remaining Old Gods, why would he require an item that would give him the ability to seek them out?"

"He wants it destroyed." Nathaniel watched as her head snapped up in his direction, surprise clearly written across her features before she managed to neutralize them once again. "You disagree?"

"No… It isn't that…" She worried with her hair, collecting the pieces of paper and shoving them unceremoniously onto the bedside table before flopping back onto the bed to stare at the ceiling, leaving the thought hanging incomplete in the air.

"Whatever friendship it is you think you have developed with this creature, Elissa, you should remember it is _still_ a darkspawn. His motives are not always going to coincide with your own, and it is unlikely that he tells you everything he is thinking – whether he leads you to believe otherwise or not." He waited for a response, trying again to press the boundaries of her mind for any clue as to what had changed her mood so drastically, but could find nothing.

"I am well aware what you and everyone else thinks of my decisions with regard to this alliance. I simply encourage you to remember that without him I would have been lost to the taint some time ago."

"We can't know that, Elissa. Avernus' draughts were working—"

"Avernus' draughts were suppressing the Warden abilities I required to serve my purpose in order to prolong my life, and even he admits he was reaching the point where he was unable to alter his formulation quickly enough to combat the changes in my blood no matter how many samples I gave him." She pressed up on her elbows again, holding his eyes in the flickering light of the bedside candle.

"You disappear for weeks down in the depths of the earth with this creature, and share the details of what you've been doing there with no one."

"He is teaching me to control my abilities rather than lose myself to them. He is helping me to keep the beast from taking over completely. Without him I—"

"Is he? Is he_ really_? Because from what I've seen the beast is just as alive as ever." He felt a flare of something through the conduit that she could not conceal – anger, suspicion, concern – it was hard for him to label, but impossible to miss. "I believe you would agree that I've seen more than most, but I am not naive enough to believe that I have the slightest idea what it is you are truly capable of at this point. You show us nothing, and tell us less. What I do see comes out when you are angry or threatened or otherwise... stimulated. That doesn't speak to me of control."

"You're afraid of me." It was a statement – not a boast or a question – simply a fact once hidden now exposed in the flickering darkness of her bedroom.

Nathaniel didn't answer, but he didn't need to. He did not hide his thoughts and feelings from her as she so regularly did from him, so everything she wanted to know was there for the taking. A few moments later she rolled over and stared at the wall, willing the darkness to take her back to sleep once more.


	10. Chapter 10: Propositions and The Pirate

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ Yes, I know... I fully intended to be on MotA content by now, but as usual these characters just had so much more to say than I imagined they would have :D I had no choice but to listen to them, and with all I have planned for the "party" - it would have been far too long if I tagged this on as well._

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and my wonderful betas_ _**artemiskat** and **Snarkoleptic**__._

_Edit posted 9/10/2012.  
><em>

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Ten: Propositions and The Pirate Queen<strong>_

When The Hero and The Archer arrived in my suite at the Hanged Man the next morning, there was a reserved coldness between them that had not been there the night before. Whether this was in response to what Carver and I had witnessed between them, or some other issue that had come up while they tumbled about in the night, I couldn't say, but it was difficult for me to miss when she settled down in one of the empty chairs and he merely took up a guard position against the wall behind her. Whatever camaraderie existed between Elissa Cousland and Nathaniel Howe during the night had disappeared with the dawn leaving only the Warden-Commander and her Lieutenant.

"So, what is it then?" she said, tugging loose her gauntlets before waving over the barmaid long enough to have the strongest cup of spirits they could muster sent in her direction. "What was so important it warranted a trip to my door in the middle of the night?"

"A little hair of the dog this morning, my dear?" Hawke asked, chuckling lightly before the angry squint of her eyes made it clear she was in no mood for joking. "All right then, straight to business… I need a date."

"And you thought of me?" The Hero laughed into her mug, settling it back down to the table with a grin. "If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, there are certain roads which you and I will never travel down together."

"And if _I've_ told you once, I've told you a thousand times, there will come a day when I will change your mind." Hawke leaned forward on his elbows, reaching over to flick a curl of her hair back behind her ear and completely ignoring the reaction from the man against the wall.

"Um, Hawke… you might want to be a bit less hands-on with the lady this morning." I cleared my throat, indicating The Archer with a slight tilt of my head, and watching something flicker to life in his eyes before he drew back with a smile.

"Ah, so it isn't so much disinterest that keeps you away from me, but unavailability." He folded his arms across his chest, smug and secure in his lady killer status once again.

"Oh, I assure you. It's disinterest." The pair laughed, neutralizing a bit when Anders entered the room – pausing distinctly when he caught sight of The Archer against the back wall, before continuing into the room and choosing a seat as far away as possible from our newest guest. "Now, what event has left you so desperate for female company that you would come to _me_ of all people in search of an escort?"

"Mother got an invitation to some Orlesian nobleman's hunt an—"

"_You're_ going to Montfort's hunt?" The Hero snorted, waving her hand to calm the reaction when Hawke obviously took offense. "I'm sorry, it's just difficult to imagine you'd be comfortable at such an affair."

"Exactly the reason I sent Varric to request your assistance in the matter. I assume you're quite well versed in the ins and outs of these things," Hawke explained, watching the quick shrug of acknowledgement that came when she could not argue with his assessment.

"I am, and lucky for you I am also attending – though I've got an escort. I can keep you from committing any great offenses, but I'm afraid you'll have to find your own date."

"Shipped him in all the way from Amaranthine did you?" He laughed, leaning back in his chair casually and stretching out his legs. "He must be well trained."

"Nathaniel is more than capable of servicing any needs to which I require him to attend," she replied, the blank look on her face keeping innocuous a statement, which was obviously intended to be suggestive.

"So he has a name." Hawke cocked an eyebrow, glancing back at the man for a moment, before returning his attention to The Hero.

"He also has ears," The Archer groused, breaking his silence for the first time since entering the room.

"And quite the temper," Anders added, not even flinching when the look tossed in his direction was even icier than they one previously landed on Hawke. "Not to mention a legacy painted in blood."

"Okay, you're going to have to explain that one," Hawke said, focusing in on The Mage. "That's a bit more cryptic than I have the gumption to puzzle out first thing in the morning."

"That's Nathaniel Howe." Anders watched realization dawn on both mine and Hawke's faces, both of us passing surprised glances in our Fereldan guests' direction. "Son of Rendon 'The Butcher' Howe, part time assassin and mercenary for hire, until – of course – he put it all behind him to join the Wardens and work toward the greater good."

"I willingly take possession of my mistakes and the skeletons hidden in my closet," The Archer replied, taking an angry step out from the wall. "What about you, Anders? Care to claim any of the limbs and heads and bits of torso we found in the woods after you fled Amaranthine like the coward you are?"

There was a slight flash of blue as Anders' temper flared, forcing Hawke to attempt to settle him back into his chair – but not before tossing a glance in The Hero's direction indicating that she needed to do the same with her companion.

"Play nice, boys," she said, holding up a hand to stay The Archer's motion and send him back to his position against the wall. "We're all friends here… or at the very least people who are _going _to cooperate lest they answer to me."

"Never again will I complain about the difficulty of managing my companions - for you, my dear, have put my problems to shame." Hawke laughed out loud. "Tell me your secret. How do you keep them all so… compliant."

"She plies them with sex and violence," Anders responded, snapping The Hero's head up and drawing a hard glare. "For some of them she even offers it together."

"_Enough_!" She yelled, slamming her fists down on the table when The Archer made to move out from the wall in The Mage's direction again.

"If it's going to be this loud, I'm going back to the estate to lie down. Someone can send for me later." Carver staggered into the room, clearly hung over or possibly still inebriated if the smell of him could be trusted.

"Little brother, so nice of you to join us, though you could have taken the time to bathe off the stink of The Rose _before_ showing your face in front of your commanding officers." Hawke shook his head, ignoring the rude hand gesture Carver tossed in his direction before claiming a chair in the darkest corner he could locate.

"He was on leave last night, and as such owes no explanation to me with regard to his activities or his condition. So long as he can see to his duties when they are requested of him, what he does with his personal time is no concern of mine," The Hero offered, attempting not to notice the grimace he passed off for a smile as opposed to the usually friendly response she had gotten from him in the past.

"Point taken." Hawke cleared his throat, pushing himself back from the table and taking his feet. "In light of our less than… companionable… company, perhaps we should wrap up this meeting for the moment."

"That would probably be for the best," she agreed, working to put her gloves back on as quickly as possible. "Besides, I have to go find a dressmaker to put together something I can tolerate in a very small window of time."

"Well, that certainly makes me more anxious to attend this little shindig." Hawke chuckled, clearing his throat when The Archer glared in his direction once again. "I'm going to go ahead and assume that you _aren't_ attending simply for the glorious social interaction of the upper crust."

"Much as I'd already assumed the same about your decision to attend," The Hero answered, standing when she'd fastened the last of the clasps on her gauntlets. "So, what are you planning to remove from the estate?"

"A jewel. You?"

"A relic." She waved The Archer over and moved to the door that would take her back down to the lower bar. "See you there?"

"Wouldn't miss it," Hawke replied, watching her retreat down the stairs.

* * *

><p>"Was that little spat with Anders absolutely necessary?" Elissa hissed, tossing a half-glare over her shoulder as they moved down the stairs.<p>

"I don't know. Was pretending as though I wasn't even in the room while you flirted with your new _friend_ and discussed our sex life absolutely necessary?" Nathaniel whispered in return, returning her glare with one of his own.

"I was certainly _not_ flirting with Hawke, and those people can believe what they want to believe with regard to our private life. It doesn't matter to me." She scratched at her nose uncomfortably, halting when she felt his grip sink hard into her bicep.

"Those people think I'm no more than the latest body to warm your bed, Elissa. Those people haven't a clue what we are to each other – frankly, no one does – and it should matter to you because it matters to me!" He leaned in close to her ear, making sure she heard and felt the injury in each and every syllable – and sensed him attempting to quash his temper when she angrily snatched her arm away and stomped off further into the bar.

"I hope you weren't thinking of leaving without even saying hello." A woman's voice purred from the bar, forcing Elissa to cringe as she once again failed to make it out the door before having to confront yet another ghost from her past.

"Not at all, Isabela," she lied, pasting on her most convincing smile. "I simply didn't see you there in my distraction."

"Ouch! You wound me, darling." Isabela pouted, clutching at her ample breasts to exaggerate her point. "Here I've been under the impression I was unforgettable."

"And you are… I've just been busy." Elissa struggled to keep her tone even, and not reflect just how uncomfortable she was to be caught between these two individuals at this particular moment. She could feel Nathaniel's curious eyes drilling into her back and knew it was only a matter of time before Isabela realized he was there as well.

"Too busy to come by even for an hour… I mean, I'd _certainly_ rather have a day… or a weekend, but—" The other woman's words trailed off as she looked up from her old friend to spy the previously unnoticed escort standing just beyond her shoulder. "Lissy! I'm shocked! Shocked and injured! Where have you been hiding _this_ one?"

"_Lissy?_" Nathaniel muttered, cocking an eyebrow at Elissa, which she happened to catch just before she covered her face with her hands and tried to rub at her eyes hard enough to make all of this go away.

"Just one of the many pet names I have for your lovely companion, dearest." Isabela smiled, pushing away from the bar to move closer to the pair – and get a better look at Elissa's new friend. "I'm certain I can come up with quite a few for you as well, given the time and proper… lighting... with which to evaluate."

"As _thrilling _as that sounds, we really have to get going. I've any number of things to accomplish today and I'm already behind schedule thanks to Hawke's little meeting." Elissa cleared her throat, tucking away her emotions once again and attempting to shift herself in the direction of the door.

"You're wound tighter than a spring these days, which is why I keep suggesting you come by to see me." Isabela eyed her with what Nathaniel could see was actual concern – though it was hidden beneath a heaping dose of innuendo the moment he'd spied it, and he watched as the woman leaned forward to run a finger down Elissa's cheek and neck as she whispered more of her invitation with full lips very close to the redhead's ear. "I seem to recall I was quite good at relieving your tension, once upon a time, as you were mine."

"Iz…" Elissa's words trailed off as the pirate caught her eyes, lingering so close to her now she was absolutely certain she was about to be kissed and simply prepared for it to happen.

"You can bring your friend if you'd like." Isabela smiled, glancing over Elissa's shoulder for a moment to indicate Nathaniel, before focusing once again on her friend and former lover. "It certainly didn't hurt to have Al—"

"I'll consider your offer," Elissa said, clearing her throat and ending that thought before it could be completed – then stepping to put as much physical space between herself and the other woman as she could without drawing too much attention to the motion.

"Ah. Keeping things proper I see." The pirate nodded her head, turning back to her spot at the bar with a shrug. "Well, if you change your mind you know where I'll be. Come alone, bring your friend, send him for a little… R and R… it's all the same to me."

Elissa made her way to the door, tossing her hood up over her head just in case someone else from her sordid history lurked between the bar and her escape, and tried to focus on ignoring the very implicit offer the pirate had just made – and the inevitable conversation with Nathaniel that lay just around the corner.

Nathaniel looked back as he stepped out the door, catching a quick wink from the other woman before she turned her attention back to her ale.

* * *

><p>Nathaniel was silent for the entirety of their walk through the winding streets of Kirkwall to the foyer of Elissa's Hightown Estate, but as thankful as she was for the reprieve, she knew better than to think for a moment that he was letting go of what had occurred as they attempted to exit the Lowtown bar.<p>

"So, would you like to simply tell the story – or am I expected to come up with a list of questions with which to pry it out of you?"

And there it was. Elissa sighed as she unfastened her gauntlets, tossing them with her cowl, pack, and weapons onto the table just inside the door. She rubbed at her face for a moment, attempting to come up with how to even begin to address this the newest of their issues.

"What is it that you want me to say, Nathaniel?" She leaned back against the table, crossing her legs at the ankles and folding her arms across her chest. "Obviously the woman was my lover. You were well aware I had taken women to my bed long before I ever knew what it was to lie with a man. I don't see what else there is to discuss."

"You gave me the impression that I'd met all of your former… _companions_. And not only that, but I was led to believe that the ones I hadn't stumbled across in one way or another were deceased." He folded his own arms and leveled an accusatory glare in her direction. "I'm just wondering how many more people who've known the pleasure of your company are going to come crawling out of the woodwork."

"To begin with, I don't recall speaking in detail with regard to my sexual past at all. It is over and done with. Discussing what happened before you and I were together isn't likely to do anything other than cause more problems than we already have." Elissa watched Nathaniel open his mouth to interrupt, waving a hand to indicate that she was not done speaking, and waiting for him to go silent again before she continued. "That having been said, Isabela is the only one – still living – that you have, up until now, not met."

"And this… _time_… you spent with her, it's in the past?" Nathaniel held her eyes steadily, pushing at the boundaries of their connection for any attempt to hide the truth.

"Isabela and I have not been together since The Blight raged across Ferelden. On that you have my word." Nathaniel snorted, pacing away from her and rubbing at his forehead. "You know, you constantly give me the impression that I am untrustworthy as a lover – and yet – I have never once been unfaithful to you. I have been unfaithful _with_ you, something which you would do well to remember makes you just as easily labeled as I am."

"You are right." He sighed, turning back in her direction and attempting to calm his temper – though he knew Elissa could sense it raging beneath the surface. "It is just difficult to imagine you here – so far away from me – with this voluptuous pirate pawing at you every chance she gets, not to mention Hawke."

He felt her eyes settle on him and the tingle at the edge of his mind when she pressed to get a read on what he was feeling. No matter how ridiculous his worries about Hawke were, he'd obviously sensed something of the energy still flowed between herself and Isabela, even now all these years later when Elissa at least had no intention of re-igniting that particular fire.

"Let's start with Hawke, shall we?" Elissa scratched at the side of her head, formulating the right words as best she could before beginning to speak again. "We can barely tolerate one another under the _best_ of circumstances. He is vain and undisciplined and driven by coin above all else. His sole interest in me revolves around the fact that I have absolutely no interest in him. Of that I am certain. My sole interest in him is as an ally and another pair of eyes in places I cannot be."

"And Isabela?" Nathaniel watched as she paced closer to him, closing the distance but still not making physical contact.

"I won't lie to you. She is beautiful, and I remember how… _good_… we were together. It can be difficult to deny her when she is so blatant with her invitations, especially after you and I have been apart for weeks at a time." She watched his muscles begin to tense in reaction to her honesty, though she could sense nothing but anxiety flowing through the conduit. "But, Nathaniel… you have to know that when I get to the point where what I can do for myself simply isn't cutting it any longer, I come to you. I may not be able to give you the white dress and perfect little world you long for, but I am _with_ you – only you. Can you believe that?"

He felt the moment when she lifted all of the securities she kept in place to keep him out of her thoughts, out of her feelings, and read as much as he could before she inevitably locked them down again. "I do. But the temptation is there, and I know that now. It is no longer simply an invention forged within my own mind."

"Would you rather I have lied about it?" Elissa shrugged her shoulders, reaching over to pull his arms around her waist with a slight smile. "Temptation is always there, and not just for me, whether you wish to admit it or not. Regardless, Isabela will remain nothing more than a friend and a memory. The only circumstances under which I can see myself seeking out her company in an intimate fashion again would involve you and I no longer being together, or… you being involved."

"Are you suggesting that we…" Nathaniel's voice dipped lower, and he held her eyes trying to read whether she was joking or actually serious with this – one of her frequent and more and more questionable requests. "Elissa, I—"

"I will not push you to do something with which you are uncomfortable." She leaned in closer, her voice low and seductive as she traced slow fingers up his arms. "But I have been with Isabela in such a way before, and it was… quite enjoyable. I am certain she would entertain another similar request, particularly with the way she was eying you in the bar."

"So the pirate wasn't boasting when she let slip the king's name?" He chuckled, allowing himself to entertain the idea for a moment – and to enjoy the feeling of her tucked against his body and working so hard to convince him. "I would have believed such activities to be distasteful to someone with his moral compass."

"Alistair was a different person back then. We were surrounded by war and death and given little hope that we would survive to see the end of it – so we took our pleasures where we could find them."

"Then I shall hope my decision will help me to hold on to you where he could not." Nathaniel cleared his throat, reaching up to stroke at her cheek for a moment before pressing a kiss to her forehead and stepping away before she could attempt to bend him any further to her will.

"That's a no then?" Elissa smiled, and though he could see she was disappointed – he could also read that she was not angry, nor would she push his boundaries any more in this moment.

"I'm afraid so." He laughed, sitting down at the table as she walked toward the stairs that would lead her to the upper floor of the estate. "I may be a lunatic for turning down such an offer, but I don't share, Elissa. Not you. Not ever."

"Very well." She made her way up the stairs, calling over her shoulder once she reached the top. "I'm going to change into something less armor like, and then you and I must seek out a tailor. Hopefully we'll be able to commission something quick and suitable so we can go and get this dreadful event over with."


	11. Chapter 11: Playing DressUp

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront! _

_When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ Part one of three in the MotA series wherein Elissa stumbles across even more ghosts from her past._

_Thanks to my readers, reviewers and followers and to my awesome betas_ **artemiskat**_ and **Snarkoleptic**_!

_Edit posted 9/13/2012._

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Eleven: Playing Dress-Up<strong>_

"If you'd stop tugging at that collar, I'm certain it's bound to be much less uncomfortable." Nathaniel leaned in a bit closer to Elissa's ear, keeping his voice low and attempting to hide the amusement running beneath his casual tone. All these years later and still she was the same fidgety little girl pulling and scratching at her dress clothes as though they were made of burlap.

"When I requested a small jacket to cover my tattoos, I didn't realize I'd asked for a turtle neck! I'm surprised that daft old man didn't extend the collar up to cover my face and hide the ones there as well." Elissa rubbed at her nose in annoyance, before moving her fingers down to tug at the collar once again. "And since when does _military style_ mean 'please add on an absolutely ludicrous amount of buttons'?"

He had to admit, there _were_ quite a few buttons on the navy cover jacket the tailor had fashioned to meet Elissa's request. The silver-darted circles ran from just below her chin down to where the jacket ended slightly below her bust line, and there were additional lines of them on either sleeve from mid-forearm down to wrist. As much as she complained, it did perfectly accentuate the dress beneath it; with the navy and silver of the Warden heraldry carried over from jacket to corset in pinstripes of alternating color and finished off with a full silver skirt of spun silk. Though Nathaniel was certain she hated every second of it, she certainly looked the part she'd come here intending to play.

"I'm not sure what you expected, Elissa. You filled the poor man's head with a million requests and gave him two days within which to complete them. If he hadn't been so obviously terrified of you, we'd likely have been kicked right out of his shop and had to come in our armor else not attend the gala at all." He laughed aloud remembering the man's face turning from joy when such a high profile customer came into his tiny shop - to absolute horror at the list of demands that customer then rattled off with an impatient tongue.

"I'd have preferred my armor to _this_." She waved a hand around in annoyance, and puffed out a large burst of air – rustling the soft curls she'd left loose from the quick pin up job she'd done to tame the rest of her hair. "How is it that you don't seem the least bit uncomfortable?"

"Oh, I much prefer leathers to tailored silks – have no doubt." Nathaniel chuckled at the appreciative pass of her eyes down his body. He'd matched his clothing to hers, as was customary, and he knew from experience that she'd always been partial to the colors he chose when dressing for formal affairs. "But unlike you, I learned long ago that fidgeting doesn't make things any better."

"Did you learn it, or have it beaten into you?" It was a cheap shot, and she knew it – and she felt the flare of his temper though his well-schooled features showed no emotion now that they had begun to pass by other guests on the way into the estate's large central courtyard. "My apologies. I'm irritable, but that's nothing to do with you. I'll attempt to better control my temper."

Nathaniel sighed as she wound her arm into the crook of his elbow, giving them the visual illusion of the happy noble couple they once could have been – though nothing could now have been further from the truth. "And there's our host now… should we go and say hello before seeking out the others?"

"If we must." Elissa rolled her eyes, before pasting on the false smile Nathaniel had grown accustomed to seeing when she was forced into situations where she had no choice but to remain on her best behavior.

He felt her tense the moment the Orlesian nobleman recognized her, and squeezed lightly at her forearm to encourage her to relax and simply press through it. It was important that they not appear out of place here, and much of that hinged on Elissa's ability to play the part she'd been groomed for as a child, regardless how far off that path she had drifted over the course of her life.

Rumors of her questionable behavior both during and following The Blight ran rampant throughout Thedas now that so much of her daily life was scrutinized by the public eye. If she gave the slightest hint of impropriety, they were likely to be placed under the watchful eyes of the nearby guardsmen or even ejected from the party entirely long before they could complete the task that had brought them there in the first place.

"My, but I have indeed been doubly blessed this year." Duke Prosper chuckled, eying Elissa cautiously as she approached, and making it clear she had her work cut out if she was to convince anyone she belonged there. "First Leandra Amell's son accepts an invitation, and now if my eyes don't deceive me, I've managed to turn up one of the Couslands as well."

"Indeed you have." Elissa curtseyed and smiled, dipping her head low to be polite though she continued to hold the man's eyes.

"I'm afraid you've missed the hunt, my dear. Shame." He sniffed, sharing a low chuckle and nod with the other nearby nobles. "I'm certain the legendary Hero of Ferelden would have put on quite the show."

"As much time as I spend hunting monsters these days, I'm sure you can understand why I chose to skip that portion of the event." She kept her voice lilting and friendly, but Nathaniel could still sense the tension that kept her on edge. "I did manage to make it in time for the food and festivities. I hope that will suffice."

"Your father would have done much the same, I imagine. Bryce was always a fan of large meals and good conversation." Prosper smiled, this time genuine – and Elissa relaxed seeing that he was starting to simply accept her presence at face value. "I was sorry to hear that he and Eleanor were lost during the war. You have my condolences."

"They are appreciated, but unnecessary. It was... a long time ago." Elissa was coiled like a spring now, a reaction the mention of her family or her past always brought out in her, made worse because this time she knew what was certain to follow.

"Still, it was both tragedy and horror," The Duke continued, pacing away from the large group of noblemen and closer to where she and Nathaniel stood – finally passing his eyes over in her escort's direction. "In light of that, it is… _surprising_… to see you here with the son of the very man who slaughtered your family at your side."

Nathaniel started to respond; hoping that Elissa would let him be the only one to address their concerns. He was certain his words would be far more carefully chosen than her own – but the flare of temper he felt ended that dream – so he spoke quickly, praying he could diffuse her before her temper spiraled out of control. "I assure you, Duke Prosper, I had neither knowledge of nor a hand in my father's machinations. In fact, I was here in the Free Marches when the majority of it occurred. I did not learn of his true nature until it was far too late to have made a difference in the course he had chosen, otherwise I would have done everything in my power to put an end to his power-hungry madness long before he managed to destroy my entire family legacy along with himself."

"I could have sworn I heard rumor you returned to Ferelden intent on avenging your father's death by claiming the head of the woman who killed him." Prosper sneered, sending shocked mutters through the quickly gathering crowd behind him. "I must have been mistaken."

"No. Sadly that rumor is true. However, it's important to note that at the time I believed my father to have had good reason for his actions or to have been driven to them by something other than what ultimately revealed itself to be his own human failings. The man I knew as a child was not the monster he became." Nathaniel's voice remained practiced and even, though he struggled to suppress the continually building fury now streaming through the conduit he shared with the woman beside him. "It's also worth saying that when I went to Vigil's Keep with murderous intention, I had no idea that the woman who took my father's life and the girl I had fallen in love with years before were one and the same."

"How epically romantic." The Duke chuckled. "I assume you laid eyes on one another and all grievances were forgotten?"

"It was not so simple as that, but neither is it a story I intend to share as fodder for the gossip mills these events always turn out to be," Elissa interrupted before either of the men could speak again, silencing the entire group with the icy tone of her voice and dangerous glint in her eyes. "It's pointless to discuss anyway. Nathaniel is a _good_ man, as he always has been. He could not be farther from that horrific beast of a father he was unlucky enough to be saddled with if he actively tried. I trust him with my life; otherwise I would have put him to death in his family's stockades when I found him there. In the end, _that_ is all that matters, and all that _should_ be discussed."

There was a long, pregnant pause when the scandalized crowd of nobility gathered around The Duke struggled to absorb all that that had just been spoken – and Nathaniel waited for their host to signal the guards or simply ask them to leave of their own accord. Before that moment could come, he saw an out – and as unappealing as it might have been under any other circumstances – he leapt at it as quickly as possible.

"Forgive us, Duke Prosper." Nathaniel bowed low, tugging subtly at Elissa's arm and trying his best to steer her away from their current company before she could open her mouth again. "I see some friends we must speak with. Thank you again for the invitation and the… hospitality."

Elissa was not done speaking, but she allowed herself to be corralled away from The Duke and his insipid guests regardless – knowing in the logical part of her mind that Nathaniel was right to deter her before she could do any more damage. She didn't take note of the group toward which he was steering them until she heard one of them speak.

"I was dead set on being cross with you for not showing up to hunt the great beasties that dwell in these hillsides, but all is forgiven so long as you let me take the time to memorize just how lovely you look in that gown." Hawke smirked at her, ignoring Nathaniel – as usual – and making no effort what so ever to hide his admiration of the woman in front of him.

"Well, I suppose that answers my question about whether or not you're like that with _every_ woman you happen across." The red-headed elf at his side chuckled, not actually offended by his overt admiration of another woman right in front of her – simply amused that he was so blatant about it.

"You are a vision as well, my dear, and I've already told you as much several times." Hawke laughed, patting the hand of the woman on his arm before turning his attention back to Elissa. "But this one… I've never seen her in anything other than dirt and blood crusted leathers. You'll have to forgive my distraction."

"Are you done?" Elissa huffed, pushing a curl out of her face. "I haven't the patience to deal with much more this evening, so if you plan to continue yammering for much longer perhaps it would be best for us to separate before I'm forced to break your jaw to keep you quiet."

"Beauty _and_ brawn. I am ever so jealous not to be your escort." Hawke nodded his acknowledgement to the other man, the look on his face making it clear he did not actually envy The Archer's current predicament. "What is it that's gotten your knickers all in a twist anyway? You haven't been here long enough to have suffered anything truly awful."

"If only that were true. Unfortunately these vultures don't need long to start sinking their claws in to tear pieces of you away so they can get at the soft, gooey center." She hissed, glaring back at the gaggle of noblemen and women they'd left behind, most of whom were still chattering in low whispers and tossing glances in their direction. "Insipid, worthless fools. Its days like this I'm almost thankful that Rendon destroyed any need I had to exist in this world."

"Perhaps it would be best if we walked while we chat?" Nathaniel suggested, already hearing the volume of Elissa's voice rising along with her frustration.

"Sounds much agreeable to being ousted from the manor by nobles toting pitchforks," Hawke replied, nodding his head and turning his date to follow behind the other pair.

"I'm much more worried about having to hide the bodies once she's taken those pitchforks and stabbed them all into bloody little bits," The Archer admitted, pulling a chuckle out of both Hawke and the elf at his side.

"I'm not going to kill anyone," Elissa huffed, glaring at Nathaniel and tugging her arm free of him as soon as they'd entered a private side courtyard where they could no longer be seen. "I'm angry, not stupid."

"Where did you manage to hide the remainder of our compatriots?" Nathaniel asked; glancing around as casually as he could.

"We found the most discreet way in that we could manage. Varric, Anders and Carver are waiting there with our weapons and armor. Unfortunately, that entrance is now far too heavily guarded for us to get in without drawing more attention than we'd like." Hawke cleared his throat when Elissa glared in his direction.

"That's hardly helpful then. What good are our weapons and armor if we can't actually _get_ to them?" Elissa scratched at the bridge of her nose in irritation, beginning to pace as was typical when her temper started to rise.

"Have a little faith in me, darling. There is _always_ a plan b." Hawke smirked, leaning casually against a nearby wall.

"Oh no you don't!" His companion piped up immediately, stepping forward to stand between him and The Hero. "This was _my_ plan, and a damn good one if I do say so myself. I'm Tallis, by the way… I've heard stories about you everywhere I've traveled – but never thought I'd get the chance to actually meet you."

"Charmed." Elissa smiled as genuinely as she could manage, sharing a firm handshake with the elf and attempting not to be as uncomfortable in the spotlight as she obviously was. "Anyone who can knock Hawke down a peg is alright in my book."

The two women shared a laugh, and Nathaniel tried not to join them when he saw the look on Hawke's face at having somehow found himself serving as the punch line to their joke. "Right then. Let's break up the ladies' gossip hour and make our way into the vault, shall we?"

"I'd love to, but thanks to Elissa's little temper tantrum, we're being watched a little closer than I'd like if we're to attempt any sort of stealthy entry to the portions of the estate where guests aren't typically allowed." Nathaniel shrugged when Elissa ruffled in response to his words, knowing he only spoke the truth. "I'm afraid we're going to have to play the part and mingle for a bit longer if we're to do this without a fight."

"_Really_, Nathaniel?" Elissa huffed; rolling her eyes as she threaded her arm into his once again. "It's my poor mingling skills that got us into this in the first place, is it not?"

"Then take this opportunity to make up for it," Nathaniel insisted, sharing a nod with Hawke and Tallis before he steered her off into the crowd again.

* * *

><p>"My face hurts from all of this useless smiling," Elissa whispered; leaning in close to Nathaniel's side as they rounded another corner of the courtyard in an attempt to make themselves appear more neutral. "Have we not done enough loops of pointless conversation to be free of this nightmare yet?"<p>

"I have memory of a young girl who used to say much the same." The nobleman watched as the redhead spun, startling when she recognized his voice and low laughter and trying to hide the quick, panicked widening of her eyes when she recognized the couple in front of her. "It's comforting somehow to see that some things never change."

"Teagan." Elissa did the best she could to hide the anxiety that flooded her senses the moment she turned to find yet another remnant of her past had somehow managed to find her across the Waking Sea. "And Isolde… how _lovely_ to see you. I should have assumed those in the palace would have received invitations as well."

"You can stop looking now." Teagan leaned across, lowering his voice to a half-whisper and watching her eyes snap from their scan of the remaining party guests back to his face. "He isn't here."

"And it would seem Eamon was right to advise against his desire to attend." Isolde sniffed, turning her nose up after tossing a disapproving glare in Elissa's direction. "Come along, Teagan. You've said hello. There are other people here far more deserving of our time."

"Isolde…" Teagan sighed, rubbing at his forehead and composing himself. "If you would like to continue mingling, go ahead, I will be right behind you."

"I can see that time has done nothing to cool the toxic malice I've always managed to draw out of your brother and his vile harpy of a wife," Elissa hissed, eyes narrowed and burning holes into Isolde's back as she disappeared further into the crowd.

"With such honeyed words, I don't know how they can resist your charms." Teagan chuckled, drawing an exasperated sigh from Elissa as she turned back in his direction. "Honestly, Elissa, can you blame them? Alistair locked himself away in chambers for a month and nearly drowned in his cups when you walked away. He's finally back to a place where he at least _appears_ the man you and I both know he needs to be for the sake of Ferelden and all who reside within its borders – and one look at you could undo it all, especially with the company you're keeping. I'd say Eamon was justified this time."

"I'll give you two a moment to… catch up." Nathaniel cleared his throat, gently removing Elissa's hand from the crook of his elbow and grazing it with a soft kiss before wandering off in search of a good, stiff drink. One round of '_Nathaniel Howe is unworthy of you_' was about as much as he could take for the day.

"I'm going to have to answer for that later." Elissa sighed, rubbing at her face with her hands and pacing off behind some decorative hedging to compose herself.

"Perhaps that should tell you something." Teagan arched an eyebrow at her, folding his arms across his chest and leveling his most convincing look in her direction.

"Nathaniel has done _nothing_ to deserve the venom he receives short of being born with a monster for a father, something I'll remind you is not his fault." She didn't slow her pacing to respond, nor did she bother to meet Teagan's eyes to push her assertion.

"Seducing the queen is _absolutely_ his fault."

"Nathaniel didn't… I was never the queen, Teagan." Elissa puffed out a long breath, coming to a stand still and leveling a tired glance in Teagan's direction. "All of this is on me. When I met Alistair, I believed Nathaniel was lost to me and I allowed myself to take solace in another. When he surfaced in Amaranthine… I _should_ have simply accepted that the dreams I had of a life with Alistair had come to an end. I never meant to hurt him, but I will make no apologies for following my heart. I am sorry for the decisions I made in the process, and I take full responsibility for what has happened as a result, but Nathaniel is an innocent regardless what Alistair and anyone else might believe."

"Even so, you can't expect that it will ever be _easy_ for Alistair to see the results of the path you've chosen to follow." Teagan flinched, casting a nervous smile out to the passing guests who flinched when Elissa let out a frustrated screech and punched a nearby wall.

"What would you have me do, Teagan? Stay locked away in The Keep forever? Pretend that I've devoted myself to a life of celibacy in the absence of the king?" She practically growled out the sentence from between the teeth of her locked jaw, and Teagan could see her patience for this discussion was quickly waning. "Can you not see how unfair that is to _anyone_ beyond Alistair? Is what I did so terrible that I deserve no consideration of my own?"

"I'm not suggesting that you hide away forever, Elissa – nor am I saying that you should pretend to be anything other than… whatever it is you _are_ with the Howe boy… I'm simply saying that when it comes to high-profile events—" Elissa hissed in frustration and paced away again, forcing Teagan to take several paces forward in order to follow her. "You're a smart girl. You _knew_ Alistair would be invited to this event, and you came with your new beau regardless. I'm not telling you to deny anything, simply to make more thoughtful choices with regard to your… _date_."

"Tell me, Teagan. Would Alistair have offered the same courtesy, or would he have shown up with Alfstanna on his arm and simply expected me to tolerate it gracefully?"

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised you know about that." Teagan sighed, softening in his lecture when the look on Elissa's face made it clear that she was actually affected by the thought of Alistair having moved on – regardless of her choice to go back to Nathaniel having pushed him there. "But, Elissa… you and I both know that is a show put on for the kingdom and my brother… for the most part."

"Still… it is not easy for me to think of him—" She cleared her throat and composed herself once again before forgoing that thought all together and continuing. "I came here with a purpose, Teagan, and in order to see to that purpose it was necessary that I _appear_ to be the good noble girl enjoying a party. Even if Nathaniel and I were not together, he is a natural choice to accompany me. He grew up in this world the same as you and I."

"Always a plan." Teagan chuckled, sharing the first and only companionable smile with the woman across from him.

"And one I should get back to." Elissa inclined her head politely, folding her hands and heading back out into the party with a brief pause. "For what it's worth, Teagan… I think Alistair should stop putting on a show and actually find someone who makes him as happy as he once made me. I can think of no one who deserves it more."

After that, she was gone, and Teagan watched the mask of neutrality settle back into place knowing he'd been given a rare glimpse of what truly lay beneath it.

* * *

><p>Nearly an hour later, Elissa had reached the end of her rope. She sent Nathaniel off in search of Hawke and Tallis and hid herself away on a secluded balcony in an attempt to calm what was left of her nerves.<p>

"I can smell your perfume." Elissa smiled out into the setting sun, not bothering to turn and look at the person she was addressing – simply knowing they were there. "That would have given you away even if I hadn't recognized the back of your head dipping into the side room earlier this afternoon. You always did wear far too much of that dreadful stuff for workable stealth, Leliana."

"I should have known better than to believe I could fool you even for a second." The Orlesian beauty chuckled, moving forward to stand at her old friend's side. "You look tired."

"I am tired." The reasons behind her exhaustion were left unspoken, but both women were well aware of them even if they were never uttered aloud. "I'll assume you're here watching the Chantry."

"Among other things."

"The Divine has sent you to collect my head then?" Elissa chuckled, turning to look at her former ally's face.

"Not yet." It was an honest answer, owed from one to another.

"And when she does?"

"I haven't decided." Leliana's face folded as the ache she felt at even considering the idea showed itself regardless of how she might have tried to hide it. "Your actions have repercussions, Elissa. You've always known this."

"And the Chantry's don't?" Elissa snorted, rolling her eyes. "What the Templars in those towers are doing in the Maker's name is nothing short of torture. If the Divine can't see that, then I have no concern for her wishes. She will answer for her voluntary ignorance one way or another."

"I do not argue there are not problems which need to be addressed… but there are proper ways to go about things, my friend. Ways that don't involve threats and demands for release of dangerous prisoners."

"Dangerous prisoners?" Elissa laughed, brittle and cold. "Yes, I'm certain anyone who can offer proof of the savagery they suffered at the Chantry's behest _would_ be considered dangerous."

"Elissa…" Leliana reached out for her friend, curling her fingers back in when Elissa flinched out of range of her touch.

"I will not stop what I am doing, Leliana… and if you come for me, know that I have no intention of going quietly." Her eyes were fire as she held the gaze of the woman once both ally and friend. "If the Chantry seeks to garner my… _cooperation_… by sending a friend to silence me, they are mistaken."

"It does not have to be this way." Elissa could hear the plea hidden beneath the calm façade of The Bard's words.

"So long as you stand allied with the Divine and the dogs she allows to run about off their leash, I'm afraid it does." She could feel her fury building with every word. She'd known it would come to this one day, but she'd been blindsided by this last blow in an already tedious day. "What the Chantry is doing... _has_ been doing for years... is nothing short of evil – and I will not stop until I expose every ugly inch of it to the world. I want to watch this illusion they've created come crashing in on them and see how they feel when forced to submit themselves to the comical idea of justice they have offered to others."

"I should go." Leliana sighed, composing herself once again before she tried to wade back out into the party. "I am sorry things have come to this, but as long as you refuse to see reason—"

"I don't think I'm the one refusing to see anything," Elissa hissed, sending the other woman shuffling away just as Nathaniel found his way back to her.

"Another long lost friend?" he asked, sparing a glance in the other woman's direction before turning his attention back to a now seething Elissa.

"Clearly not," she answered, clearing her throat and attempting to calm as much as she could manage. "Please tell me we've done enough mingling. I'll throw myself over the balcony before I go back out there for one more second of this torture!"

"We seem to be in the clear." Nathaniel offered his arm, relaxing when she simply took it and followed along silently as he led her toward the inconspicuous door where Hawke and his companion were waiting.


	12. Chapter 12: From Party Dress to Prison C

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ Another long break between posts and I apologize. On the plus side the result of the pause is THREE chapters instead of one :D I'll have them all up over the next few days._

_Muse Music:_ _Complacent__ by Assemblage 23. _

_Also of note - I've begun overhauling the earlier books in this series. Thus far I have completed and re-posted the Prologue from __Star Crossed__. I've added an Addendum to the end of that Book which will give alerts as to what has been completed. Edits will often include additions of completely new content (as with Chapter One which I hope to finish overhauling today) and there will also be several new chapters added before I am done. Of course, it isn't necessary that you read them - but I wanted to put the word out there just in case you might have a desire to. :D_

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my Lady Beta _**_artemiskat _**_and **Snarkoleptic**__._

_Edit posted 9/13/2012.  
><em>

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Twelve: From Party Dress to Prison Cell<strong>_

When Elissa and Nathaniel turned the corner of the narrow entry hall into the first large alcove they found Hawke dragging the limp body of one of The Duke's guardsmen into a side-closet. Tallis crouched in the middle of the carpet attempting to disguise the blood smear left when she'd pulled her throwing dagger loose.

"The Duke's man wasn't feeling cooperative I see." Elissa noted the tension between the other pair as Tallis continued to fret over the guard's demise while Hawke simply pressed her to move forward.

"He could have just walked away." There was a sadness Elissa recognized in The Elf's voice as she cleaned her dagger and sheathed it back at her belt.

"Well _of course_ he didn't walk away," Hawke huffed, folding his arms in exasperation. "Running at the first sign of danger... that'd be a pretty poor trait in a guardsman."

"I _know_ that!" Tallis snipped, pulling open the next door and sliding into the shadows along the wall as she moved forward.

"Come on, love. It's not as though his family can say '_How could this have happened? We thought he only had to bake cookies!_'" He continued to prod at her with his questionable sense of humor as they slipped down the hall, turning back to shrug at Elissa who sighed and shook her head in response. "What? He was a _guardsman_! There is an innate danger in that sort of work. He knew the risks when he took the post."

"This is all true, and I'm not saying…" Tallis trailed off, turning back to push out a frustrated puff of air before continuing her response. "There are other paths we can take. They do not all need to lead to the same destination."

"How about we save the philosophical debate for another time?" Elissa suggested, striding forward to take the lead when Hawke and Tallis both seemed content to stand about arguing in the halls. "Unless I'm mistaken, we all came here with a purpose, and I'd like to see mine complete before the rest of the guards find the one Hawke stuffed in the closet."

"You're right," The Elf conceded, putting herself and the two men behind her into motion as she increased her pace to catch up to Elissa. "I think it's best to do this quietly and alert as few guards as possible."

"Normally I prefer to be a bit more… _direct_…" Elissa chuckled, peering around a corner to ensure there was no one waiting before pressing forward again. "However, I don't relish the though of two dozen guardsmen chasing me around the chateau in these heels, so we shall go with quiet for now."

Tallis could do nothing but nod in response. Elissa left no opening for debate, darting into the next doorway with Hawke close behind her. It was clear The Elf was still affected by the life she'd had to take, and she nearly jumped out of her skin when Nathaniel stopped near her shoulder and held out a small vial.

"Here." He waited for her to reach over and take it, inspecting the contents with cautious eyes. "Debilitating but not deadly. Just a couple of drops on the tip of your blade will render a man twice my size unconscious for at least an hour, with the happy side effect of memory loss upon waking. By the time they think to look for us, we should be far beyond their reach – if they remember they saw us in the first place."

"I see you don't share your companion's casual dismissal of human life." Tallis smiled, tucking the vial into her pocket and moving to follow the others.

"I assure you, the value that Elissa places on human life is quite high – with the possible exception of her own," Nathaniel responded, drawing an inquisitive look from the other woman. "She is… complicated. A lot of what she allows you to see is simply for show; an image she maintains to do the things she has to on a daily basis. It took me a long time to understand that, but I see it now. She is not as hard as she seems – not always."

Tallis looked back, reading something more about the bond between The Hero and The Archer than most were ever allowed to see – but kept her thoughts to herself as they rounded the corner into a small kitchen nook where Hawke and Elissa were already conversing with the cook.

"If you need something, I suggest you ask one of the servants, my lord." The cook barely acknowledged Hawke before turning back to whatever she'd been working on. There was a lengthy pause, then a frustrated puff of air as she turned back upon realizing that they weren't moving on. "Well? Why are you still bothering me?"

"It appears there is a problem in the courtyard." Elissa said, folding her hands at her waist and offering her brightest smile as she paced around Hawke's shoulder to engage the cook herself. "The guests were muttering something about a poisoned comtesse… servants all a flutter looking for you… I don't _think_ the Duke has gotten word of it yet…"

"Maker's breath!" The cook tossed the cloth she'd been holding down on one of the nearby tables, worrying with her hair for a moment and trying to compose herself. "I suppose I'd better deal with this. Thank you for alerting me, your ladyship. I am certain not all of our guests would have been as forgiving."

"No thanks necessary. Preventing an international disaster is _far_ more important than my own sensibilities. I know how delicate these situations can be. " Elissa tipped her head as the cook rushed by, the glow of her smile fading into her normal look of disinterest as she sauntered over to the table and picked up several handfuls of questionable lutefisk, cheese, and navet.

"I'm fairly certain that dish doesn't call for those additions." Hawke chuckled, noting that Tallis and Nathaniel had finally caught up to them looking no worse for the wear.

"I'm fairly certain The Duke won't know the difference until he's hunkered down over a chamber pot praying to the Maker to be released from the burning," Elissa replied, tossing him a wink as she finished her task and moved back into the hall.

"You are a cruel and devious woman," Hawke extended his strides to pass by both Nathaniel and Tallis and retain his place at her side. "Lucky for you I find that sort of thing intoxicating."

"Give it up, Hawke." The Hero sighed, reaching for the door that would let them into the next hall only to find it locked. "Blast! Damn thing is locked, _and_ it would appear enchanted. We'll need to find another key."

"I think I saw a guard in the library two hallways back. It's possible he would be carrying one," Tallis suggested; earning an appreciative nod from Elissa who flounced back down the hall and did her best to try and leave Hawke behind.

* * *

><p>There was indeed a guard stationed in the small book depository, just as Tallis had suggested there would be. Nathaniel stilled Elissa's motion with a hand on her arm, knowing that she would simply snap the man's neck in frustration while he could render the guard unconscious with his toxins. A few moments later the guard slept soundly on the floor and Nathaniel held the key that would admit them into the next section of the castle.<p>

"Retrieving this key makes me curious," Elissa mused; following along behind the others as they made their way back to the locked door. "I am certain our entry to the castle from the courtyard must have been hampered in a similar manner and I heard no mutterings among the crowd of missing or debilitated guardsmen. I find it difficult to believe that any of them would have simply turned over their keys to you…"

"Some stories are best left untold." Hawke barely mumbled the words, hoping that the others would simply gloss over his commentary.

"Oh come now! With the things I've seen you do for coin, I find it hard to believe you'd find anything too distasteful to discuss." Elissa sensed Hawke's discomfort, smirking as she pursued him through the now open door into the new section of castle. "You may as well tell me how you got it. I'll figure it out eventually anyway."

"Let's just say that I had a… _discussion_… with The Duke's son and leave it at that, shall we?" Hawke cleared his throat and increased his pace through the next set of hallways, dodging another set of guards and popping up a series of stairs onto the upper balcony.

"You seduced Cyril!" The burst of laughter out of Elissa's mouth very nearly drew the guards before Hawke covered her mouth with his hand, pressing her into the shadows of a nearby corner until she could contain it once again.

He released her a few moments later, stomping away in frustration and attempting to ignore the looks of annoyance and curiosity from Tallis and Nathaniel. It didn't take long for her to make her way back to his side.

"I'd always heard rumor that Cyril preferred gentleman companions even in our youth, but I'd never seen anything to validate that… and you know how rumors can be." Elissa totally ignored Hawke's obvious desire to end this discussion – intending to fully capitalize on this rare instance when she had the upper hand. "I should thank you, Hawke. You've made this absolutely horrific day somehow worth it."

"I'm _thrilled_ that my humiliation and upcoming hours of repeated bathing to wash the very memory of that incident away could put a smile on your face." He stopped suddenly and spun back to look for their lagging companions. At this point he was willing to risk a conversation with The Archer rather than continue to speak with The Hero. "Tallis darling, come and keep me company."

Elissa chuckled and fell back to allow The Elf to make her way forward.

"Feeling better?" Nathaniel tried not to look as cross as he was that it had been the annoyingly flirtatious mage to bring her out of her foul mood; though it was reassuring that whatever they'd been discussing had pushed Hawke to forcefully remove her from his company.

"Yes, actually." Elissa smiled, either not noticing his irritation or simply ignoring it, as she was known to do. "Finally having verification that Cyril de Montford does indeed prefer to seek his pleasures with those of the male persuasion from Morgan Hawke of all people has had a remarkably positive impact on my day."

"I could have told you that years ago." He stifled a chuckle when she spun in his direction with wide eyes.

"_You_ and Cyril?" She staggered to a stop, unable to believe what she was hearing.

"Was I curled up in a corner whispering sweet nothings into the Montford boy's ear? No… but an offer was made. One I declined, but it was direct enough that I was certain Cyril was one young man I would never have to compete with for your attentions."

"Why did you never speak of this to me?" Elissa started moving again, cutting another corner of the balcony and moving along the upper edge of another large room.

"It isn't exactly a topic for polite conversation, Elissa." Nathaniel followed behind her, attempting to discern if it was more that he'd received attention from another man or simply that she did not know everything about him that was bothering her – though he'd put his coin on the latter if he had to guess. "I also had no desire to start a public scandal over it. Cyril was young and still figuring things out. I politely declined his offer and it was never mentioned again. Bringing it up to anyone was likely to result in one or both of us being put through a great deal of trauma for no good reason."

"I shudder to think what Rendon would have done had he known… to either of you." She cringed and glanced at him briefly before turning her attention elsewhere, something she tended to do when the subject of his father was broached. "He never cared for the Montfords, what with them being Orlesian and all. Had he known that Cyril sought the attentions of his eldest… well, the poor boy might have been a guest in your basement long before either of us ever knew some parts of it were there."

There was a span of silence as they wound down and around another segment of balcony and out into an upper courtyard where they both considered just how true that sentiment probably was – whether Nathaniel wanted to admit it or not.

"So… in all that time we were apart, you never…?" Elissa continued walking, dashing through shadow into an open doorway and forcing Nathaniel to increase his pace to catch her.

"I never sought out the company of another – male or female – to see to my physical desires. I've told you that before and it was the honest truth." Nathaniel stopped close at her back as they reached the bottom of the stairs, waiting for the two guardsmen doing loops in the halls ahead of them to reach points where it was safe for them to continue. "I simply got very good at seeing to my own… _entertainment_."

"That you did…" It was muttered, but Nathaniel's hearing was incredibly good.

"I had forgotten just how much you liked that, regardless of how you tried to hide it beneath the chair throwing and smashing of various objects." He laughed, low and raspy, leaning in closer and brushing back the curls of her hair to trail his mouth against her ear.

"I'm certain now is not the best time for this discussion." She sighed, her eyes fluttering shut of their own accord as his hands made their way from her waist to rest just below the curve of her breasts.

"We can clear out one of the side rooms and give you two a few moments if necessary… but I suspect that will delay us even more than we already have been." Hawke's voice snapped them both back to reality, and they separated quickly – Elissa tossing a half glare in the mage's direction as they moved past the now unconscious guardsmen and into another long series of staircases.

When they caught up to Tallis she was leaning casually against a table thumbing through a small volume of some text with great interest.

"A little light reading?" Hawke asked, smirking at the slight flush that crept into The Elf's face.

"Oh! Yes… I was curious what sort of things the nobility kept in their bookshelves. I never suspected it would be anything like this… it's downright scandalous." Tallis allowed Elissa to turn the book so that she could see the spine.

"Hard in Hightown II: Even Harder?" Elissa snorted, rolling her eyes as she moved back to the other shelves to search for anything else of interest. "That's _got_ to be Varric's work."

"Probably. Though I had no idea he'd penned a sequel already." Hawke walked over to get a look at it himself.

"It's incredibly well written, for something of this sort…" Tallis noted, pointing out a couple of things as Hawke flipped through the pages. "The characters are intriguing."

"The busty barmaid and naughty templar or whatever nonsense Varric's come up with are intriguing?" Elissa laughed and pushed the book she'd been eying back into the row it came from.

"Actually the main cast of this particular story is made up of a _lusty redhead _and the _morose bowman_ who is her paramour." Hawke watched both Elissa and Nathaniel's heads snap in his direction.

"_What?_" Elissa hissed, stomping over. "Let me see that!"

She snatched the book out of the other pair's hands and scanned the pages, the flipping of parchment becoming more and more frantic the further she read. Eventually she stomped closer to Nathaniel and cleared her throat, beginning to read a short passage. "'But m'lady' The Bowman said, dipping his long, calloused fingers into the open front of her blouse, 'it is not everyone who receives an offer to ride the _High Dragon_.'"

Nathaniel took the book then, thumbing through it of his own accord while Elissa paced the edges of the small alcove in frustration. She stopped short of him a few moments later when he started to laugh, until silenced by her glare.

"Laughing? You're _laughing_?" Elissa hissed, snatching the book out of his hands. "This is about u- This is _very_ familiar, Nathaniel. You can't just be fine with it."

"Of course I'm not _fine_ with it, Elissa. But what are we going to do? It's been published… it's out there. It isn't as though our names are in here…"

"Our names don't _have _to be in here!" She shook the book in his face, her temper mounting to the point that she was having a difficult time controlling the volume of her voice. "Hawke figured it out without names and he's got a head full of rocks!"

"So it _is_ you!" Hawke's laughter flooded the corner, and he waved off Tallis' attempts to silence him as he strutted in Elissa's direction. "And just like that I've forgotten all about what I had to do to get that key."

"I will _kill_ that dwarf!" Elissa insisted, beginning to pace again.

"Perhaps you could kill him later?" Tallis attempted once again to divert the attention of the rest of her group. "The vault is just through those doors."

"The vault?" Elissa's brow knitted in suspicion. "I thought we were collecting the others before we went to the vault?"

"Yes, well, in avoiding the guards as silently as possible we found ourselves closer to the vault than our intended meeting point. I assumed we'd all rather get what we came for and get out than make an extra loop simply to keep with the original plan." The Elf's patience was waning, and both Hawke and Nathaniel realized they were likely to find themselves stuck between two highly volatile females if they let this day drag on much longer.

"Sounds like a plan." Nathaniel interrupted the staring contest between the two women, clearing his throat as he opened the door and waited for the others to step inside.

The Hero pressed forward toward the vault door, anxious to finish off this dreadful outing and get as far away from all of these people as she possibly could. It had been a long day, full of irritations to which she normally did not subject herself, and finding that she was not at the helm of this expedition coming on the heels of the discovery of my latest volume had rendered her much more careless than she normally would have been.

She heard the click of the pressure plate as soon as her heeled foot clicked against it, but there was nothing she could do to prevent the metal bars from dropping all around and sealing the group of them into the room and away from the door that would grant them admittance into the main hub of The Duke's vault.

"It's never as easy as it seems, is it?" Hawke asked, returning to the rear of the room with Tallis to see if there was a release mechanism to be found.

"I swear I didn't know!" Tallis assured them, raising her hands up when all eyes turned in her direction.

"I should have," Elissa huffed, pacing toward the middle of the room where two raised switches were easily visible in the floor tiles. "Nobility never leaves their treasures unguarded by some sort of security mechanisms."

"I'm surprised you missed it. I seem to recall being on the receiving end of any number of lectures about the dangers of stomping off into a room half-cocked without properly inspecting your surroundings." Hawke ignored the look of warning from Nathaniel and continued to smirk in Elissa's direction.

"Yes, well I'm more than a _little_ distracted at the moment." The glance she tossed him was venomous. "And what I _should_ have done will do little to get us out of here now."

Elissa stepped forward after that and onto the switch in front of her, ignoring the various warnings from the others with regard to activating another trap. A nearby piece of the gate work lifted, revealing a new path to another switch.

"Well…" Elissa waved her hand in the direction of the now open section. "Any one of you can go and step on that any time you like."

Nathaniel held up his hand to stop the others from responding to the already irate woman in the center of the room and stepped through the gate and onto the newly revealed switch. This time a gate inside the passage on the opposite side of the room opened, and Tallis – having started to see the pattern – stepped onto the switch next to Elissa, waving Hawke into the open space to activate the switch that Nathaniel had just revealed.

Twenty minutes and two toppled statues later the foursome stepped through the door at the back of the room and into the main body of Duke Prosper's vault.

"Something wrong?" Hawke hung back with Tallis who was carefully inspecting the walkways around the top of the room, noting that Elissa had already pried open the door to the compartment that held whatever she'd come for and was now in the process of finding a logical way to hide it within the fabric of her gown.

"I'm not sure yet," The Elf replied, pacing around and continuing to glance nervously at the upper doorways.

"Don't fret, my dear." The Duke's voice dripped with arrogance, turning the group to the far door through which he and his fully armed and armored personal guard had suddenly appeared. "I _never_ keep a lady waiting."

"I see the party's moved indoors…" Hawke muttered, moving closer to Tallis and noting that Nathaniel had subtly attempted to position himself in between Elissa and whatever it was she was hurrying to disguise from The Duke's inquisitive eyes.

"This isn't over!" Tallis hissed, her eyes narrowed and angry as she faced off with The Duke.

"Oh, but it is." The Duke chuckled, pacing further into the room and motioning for his guards to arm themselves. "I knew who you were the moment you arrived, assassin."

"_Assassin_?" Hawke glared at the woman now pressed to his back. "I thought we were here to steal a jewel!"

"Do you _ever_ do research before the coin lures you in?" Elissa griped, shuffling into the space at his side with Nathaniel as the guards pressed in on them all.

"Is now _really_ the time to discuss this?" Hawke snipped back at her, jaw clenched as he wracked his brain for a way out of this mess.

"Probably not." It was The Duke who answered, laughing as he strolled closer to them. "But the lady is right. You really should investigate your business partners _before_ you take on their tasks. This elf is a Qunari."

"You're _Qunari_?" The confusion was etched into his face as Hawke looked over the woman at his shoulder; hands held in surrender much the same as his own.

"It's… complicated," Tallis replied, shrugging her shoulders and offering nothing else by way of explanation.

"It really doesn't matter what _any_ of us are at the moment," Elissa insisted, drawing The Duke's attention in her direction.

"Hero…" The Duke shook his head with disgust as he inspected her. "I'd like to say I was surprised to find you here, but your fraternizing with Qunari both during and after The Blight is well documented. Poor Eleanor must be spinning in her grave to see the state of her daughter now."

Elissa lurched forward, eyes narrowed and glittering with the fury that only surfaced at the mention of her family's names – but both Hawke and Nathaniel held to her arms before she could do any damage.

"Temper, temper." Prosper laughed and paced back behind his guards. "I'm still at a loss as to what brought you here, but it doesn't really matter now, does it? I have you – and I'm certain I can use your desire to hide news of this incident from falling on the wrong ears to work in the Empress' favor in her attempts to build a more… fortuitous… relationship with your king."

"Celene is after Alistair now?" Elissa laughed, the cold bark of it snapping through the silent air around them. "Unsurprising. But you should have done some research of your own, I'm afraid. My relationship with the king will do little to help you or your Empress at this point."

"I'd heard rumor the two of you had parted ways." The Duke smirked at her, holding her eyes for one second longer before pacing forward to look Nathaniel over. "Pity. Would have been much less unseemly. But, I suppose I should thank you for bringing me such a gift regardless of your reasons for dragging him here."

"What does Nathaniel have to do with anything?" Though she tried to keep her face calm, it was easy to read the flare of fear in her voice.

"Don't play the innocent with me, Lady Cousland. We both know how much damage this man's father did to relations between Orlais and Ferelden." The Duke smiled at her, cold and unforgiving. "The Empress spent a great deal of time and effort laying the foundation for a plan which was ripped apart when Rendon Howe attempted to take control of your muddy little corner of Thedas. You may have removed the man himself, but The Empress saw no justice for what _she_ lost. I am certain turning his son over to the chevaliers will earn a great deal of favor for me and my family."

Elissa struggled hard against the guards who attempted to restrain her, moving on Prosper's command to escort she and Hawke from the room. She glanced back over her shoulder at Nathaniel and he could read the panic in her eyes.

"Look, I came to stop the Heart from doing something we will _all_ regret. These people didn't. Leave them out of it. Just let them go." Tallis was insistent, fighting against her own restraints as another set of guards moved in to gather she and Nathaniel.

"And waste all the effort I spent luring you here before the Heart's arrival… not to mention the fortuitous gift Lady Cousland has so generously provided to me? Don't be foolish." The Duke coughed out a burst of cold laughter, waving the guards past with Tallis and Nathaniel – who fought against the guard until he was forced compliant at the tip of a blade. "Don't fight, boy. I'd prefer to transport you to Orlais in one piece, but I will take your head if that proves too difficult for my tastes."

He waved them out after that, ignoring the glare Nathaniel leveled in his direction as he was led out the door.


	13. Chapter 13: Escape from Bitch Mountain

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ The second segment of what was originally one very long chapter. Also, an edited version of Chapter One of __Star Crossed__ has now been posted, along with the Prologue - which includes an additional conversation between Fergus and Varric that did not appear in the original version. More updates and additions to come both here and there as I finish them!_

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my wonderful beta ladies _**_artemiskat_**_ and **Snarkoleptic**__._

_Edit posted 9/14/2012.  
><em>

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Thirteen: Escape from Bitch Mountain<strong>_

Elissa _hated_ being imprisoned. That much was obvious to all of her companions from the moment the bars shut behind them. She paced around the room like a caged animal, inspecting every corner of the cell for anything that might provide them the means to escape. She muttered to herself and cursed and became increasingly more agitated the longer they remained locked inside – something that was beginning to make the others she shared the limited space with highly uncomfortable.

"Is there not something you can _do_ about that?" Hawke whispered, leaning in closer to The Archer as he watched The Hero make her thirteenth pass around the edge of the room.

"And what exactly is it you expect I can do?" Nathaniel had been waiting for the right moment to speak to her – truth be told – but approaching Elissa when she had worked herself this far into a fury was a delicate and dangerous undertaking. He had to be certain his timing was right otherwise he'd only make things worse.

"Well I don't bloody well know, but you've certainly got a better shot than either one of us do at talking some sense into her – or I'd assume sharing her bed grants you at least that much privilege." The mage only shrugged in response to the glare he got in answer, leaning back against the wall at The Elf's side and watching as The Hero continued to pace around the room.

"I have a question." Tallis broke the silence, turning Hawke's thankful eyes in her direction. "When The Duke told you that I was Qunari you didn't seem to care. None of you did. Do you really have no concerns about that?"

"I _could_ have said that couldn't compare to your awesomeness, but that might have seemed petty," Hawke replied, sharing a smile with the pretty elf when she laughed in response. "But honestly, it was the assassin bit that gave me pause. As long as you aren't hiding horns somewhere I can't see them… which I'd rather not think about… I could give a fig about the Qunari bit."

"I highly doubt you're mounting an invasion." Nathaniel offered his own reply when she looked in his direction. "So long as I'm not defending the borders of my homeland against you, you're welcome to believe whatever you like."

"What about you?" The Elf turned her attention to Elissa, showing no fear when she simply glared in response. "The Duke made it sound as though you were one of us."

"I'm no Qunari. I simply befriended one during The Blight and spent several months in Par Vollen. The ignorant apparently interpret that to mean full religious conversion," Elissa snorted, continuing to pace though some of her fury appeared to dissipate at the change in focus. "There are things about the Qun that appeal to me, but there are other things I simply cannot tolerate – not the least of which is their view that the women among them be subdued and submissive."

"_That_… yes, I suppose I can see why that would be problematic to someone like you." Tallis laughed, watching the half-smile shared between the two male members of their party. "At any rate, I am sorry that we've ended up here. This didn't work out the way I'd planned… obviously."

"What exactly _was_ your plan?" Elissa asked, coming to a standstill just in front of her and forcing both Nathaniel and Hawke into closer vigilance as her mood didn't lend itself to tolerance. "I've been on the outside of it for long enough. Now that I'm stuck on the inside of a jail cell I will accept nothing less than full disclosure. I think I've earned it."

"So, I should ignore that chunk of whatever you've had tucked underneath your skirts since you retrieved it moments after we entered the vault?" Even Hawke drew in a sharp breath, watching The Hero's eyes narrow in response to the challenge of her instructions.

"That chunk of whatever is Warden business and thus no concern of yours. It was a threat for The Duke to have it, and now he doesn't. That is as much as you need know and as much information as I intend to give you." Elissa folded her arms across her chest and held the other woman's eyes, making it clear that she would not budge.

"I can accept that." Tallis nodded and pushed to her feet, beginning to pace herself as she explained her actual reasons for dragging Hawke to The Duke's chateau. "I came here to track a Qunari named Salit. He's a member of the Ben-Hassrath."

"The Heart of the Many?" Elissa asked, watching the other elf's face register surprise – and noting that even Nathaniel seemed thrown that she was familiar enough with the language to make it out. "I heard tale of this faction during my time in Par Vollen, though I never came across any of them."

"If you did not convert, it's probably for the best." She shared a quick laugh and a knowing nod with The Hero before continuing with her explanation. "I was told Salit came here intending to sell secrets to the Orlesians, so I had to stop him. I suppose… well, _obviously_ I was misinformed."

"We all make mistakes." Elissa scratched at her nose, relaxing her posture and pacing back to the bars. "You were doing what you thought was right, and I can't fault you for that… however, drop me out of the loop again…"

"Noted." Tallis held up her hands at the other woman's glare, knowing that it was not an empty threat. "Then I suppose the first order of business is getting out of here before His Grace decides we would taste good in the soup… or whatever he has planned for those of us _not _being shipped out as a gift to the Empress."

"What do you think they hunt when they aren't tracking wyvern?" Elissa muttered, shrugging when the others didn't think her comment was nearly as amusing as she did.

"I wouldn't worry." Hawke pushed to his feet, pacing to join the women at the bars. "I'm sure the others will be along any minute now. Varric's smart. When we didn't show he'd have assumed something went wrong and he's sprung enough of us from jail cells at this point it wouldn't surprise him to be doing it again."

As though prompted, Elissa began to hear voices she recognized echoing off the stone walls of the corridor just outside their cell – smirking at Hawke when they came close enough for the conversation to be made out as an argument.

"Blondie, I hate to say this, but I'm pretty sure we've been here before." The pitch of my voice made it obvious I was irritated; though I'm sure I was doing my best to disguise it. Wandering the halls with Anders and Carver was enough to test even my nearly limitless patience.

"Blast it! We went left this time! It should have been impossible to come full-circle again!" Anders shook his head, turning around to glance down the hall behind us as though he could gain his bearings somehow.

"I wish I hadn't given that ball of twine to Daisy." I scratched at my head, attempting to formulate a new plan.

"And I wish I was stuck down here with _anyone_ but the pair of you. Honestly, you're idiots, the both of you." Carver stalked by, dumping the massive amount of gear he was toting onto the floor to catch his breath. He'd refused to let anyone else touch The Hero's belongings and no one offered to carry The Archer's – leaving him to carry the bulk of it on his own – which had done nothing to help with his temper.

"I haven't heard you offering up anything useful," Anders hissed, glaring at the young warrior.

I was about to interrupt and attempt to diffuse the situation for the umpteenth time since our day began when I heard an irritable "We're down here you ninnies! Shut up and come let us out!" echo up the corridor in our direction.

There was no mistaking The Hero's voice, and I breathed in a sigh of relief – perfectly willing to brave her temper in exchange for the torture I'd been subjected to all day.

"So… the rescue plan didn't exactly work," Anders explained, watching Elissa pace anxiously as I worked to release the locking mechanism on the gate. "But… I'm sure you've figured that out by now."

"Obviously _none_ of our plans worked – else we wouldn't have needed rescue," Elissa snapped, dashing forward to gather her things from Carver as soon as the gate opened, then disappearing back into the cell and beginning to work on the buttons of her jacket.

"Surely you don't intend to change here?" Nathaniel didn't even attempt to contain his own irritation as he watched her toss the jacket on the floor and begin working on the eyelets that held her skirts bound to the base of her corset.

"What I _don't_ intend is to take one more step in this getup." She kicked one heel off and the then other, simply pulling the back of the skirt loose when it didn't release from its clasps as quickly as she'd intended, and tossing it over into the corner with the rest of her now discarded clothing.

"I agree." Tallis gathered her things from me and headed back into the cell, disrobing to a similar level and beginning to fasten on her armor as The Hero did the same.

"I could get used to this." The smirk was evident in Hawke's voice as he retrieved his own belongings from Anders and sauntered into the cell, working on the buttons of his finery though his eyes didn't stray far from the nearly naked women in front of him.

The only eyes not on the show were The Archer's, though he did glare at The Hero from time to time. For the most part he seemed more intent on leveling a look of displeasure in Carver's direction as the younger Hawke had done nothing but watch with great fascination as The Hero removed more and more of her clothing. On the plus side, both women were very good at strapping on their armor and flipped through the buckles and clasps with expert fingers, which left them fully covered in record time.

"Now I feel much less naked." Tallis sighed, flipping her daggers around before anchoring them at her back.

"A woman after my own heart." The Hero chuckled, finishing up with her longswords and turning her attention to the two men who were still dressing at the edge of the room. "I'll never understand what it is about breasts that turns you lot into drooling, brainless, morons."

"Then you've never witnessed a truly spectacular set of them, the ones attached to your person notwithstanding." Hawke smirked at her, taking his time in pulling on his trousers and buckling up his shin guards.

"Isabela wouldn't appreciate that." She winked at him in passing, watching it register on his face what she was insinuating as she made her way over to Nathaniel and began helping with the buckles on his leathers. "The next time I call you an ape, remind me that I've now seen Hawke naked."

"It's called virility, darling. Not all men have it." Hawke called from across the room, shrugging off the snicker she shared with The Archer as she trailed her fingers through the peppering of hair on his chest appreciatively.

"It's called back hair, and that's not virile that's vile, _darling_." Elissa stepped back and allowed Nathaniel to pull on his undershirt before helping him with the buckles on his chest plate.

"I'm still cross with you." It was mumbled, and only half believable through the subtle smile he gave her as she worked the last of his armor closed leaving him free to get his gauntlets on.

"And I'm sure you'll tell me all about it later." She leaned in close, brushing her nose against his before strolling out of the cell to join the rest of us.

"So, back through the castle then?" Hawke asked, securing his staff as he strolled out of the cell with The Archer close behind him.

"There's a better way than fighting through The Duke's entire army. I can show you." Tallis made the offer to Elissa, though it was Hawke who'd asked the question.

"I'm all for avoiding at this point." Elissa glanced over to Nathaniel, making it clear that her decision to follow The Elf's plan had nothing to do with trust and everything to do with keeping him out of The Duke's hands.

* * *

><p>As we made our way out, The Hero stopped at every cell – releasing any prisoner who remained alive and becoming increasingly more furious with every one that wasn't. It was clear even to those of us who didn't know the full story at the time that she'd seen this sort of thing in the past, and I cringed to think on what she must have been through if half-starved torture victims were something she'd become in any way accustomed to.<p>

When we rounded the corner into the second row of cells we found ourselves facing off against a rather large number of The Duke's personal guard, though this did little to delay our progress. With the collective group of us we had quite the arsenal at our command, and The Hero's temper made her an army in and of herself. The guards fell quickly, and even Tallis did not question when Elissa went out of her way to leave none alive.

"Varric." I slowed my pace in the following staircase at The Hero's voice, quickly wishing I hadn't when I saw the look in her eyes as she handed a small book over into my hands. "I'd like a word."

"It's not what you think." I tried to keep the fear out of my voice as my eyes found the title on the spine of the text. "I've been known to dabble in this genre for some extra coin, it's true, but this isn't one of mine."

"Look, Twitch. Aside from Nathaniel and myself – who I am _certain_ did not write this – only two other people would know the rather… intimate… details that are recounted, almost verbatim, within these pages. I find it difficult to believe that Carver would concoct something like this, which only leaves you. Do you expect me to believe that someone just _happened_ to write this coincidentally? I'm a lot of things, Varric – but stupid isn't one of them." Her gaze was piercing as usual, and there was no escape from it. I knew I had no choice but to own up, regardless of the consequences.

"Alright, alright you've got me. I wrote it… but I swear I never expected you'd see it or that anyone else would recognize the… um… cast…" I glanced nervously at her hands, uncertain whether I should be relieved that she hadn't drawn her blades. At this point we'd had some exposure to what she was capable of unarmed and seeing that sort of thing made one wish for the quick end of sharp steel when given a choice in the matter.

"You couldn't have painted a clearer picture of your _cast_ unless you had outright named us! In a way I suppose that's complimentary of your ability… but if you didn't want us to be recognized, it probably wasn't the best time to showcase your narrative prowess." She folded her arms across her chest and glared down at me, searching her impatient mind for the best punishment for this crime.

The Hero was notoriously private, and The Archer even more so. Most of what was known about their personal lives together was rumor, and so far as I knew they rarely ever answered direct questions with regard to it. Publishing my… _story_… had been a risk, I'd known that going in – and now it was time to pay the piper.

"I can try to recall them…" It was an empty offer, and we both knew it.

"Though it would be entertaining to watch you going door to door attempting to retrieve the volumes, I suspect that would do far more harm than good as it would simply make people want to keep them more wondering what it was that made you so anxious to get them back." The Hero sighed, scratching at her forehead. It was almost as though I could see the wheels turning.

"What then? I'd rather know now than live in fear of what's coming." I didn't expect the small burst of laughter or the half-smile I got in reply. It was almost unsettling, as I'd been expecting fury.

"Alright then… as it was _my_ sex life that directly inspired this tale of yours, I want a cut of the profits. At least forty percent should be sufficient." She raised an eyebrow when I started to respond, indicating that this was _not_ a negotiation, and I silenced so that she could continue. "Furthermore, if you write any more volumes which include these characters – and we both know you will – I expect to see profits from those as well."

"I'm afraid I don't have that kind of coin on me at the moment…" I relaxed, watching her unfold her arms and begin to move further down the stairs to rejoin the rest of our party.

"Doesn't have to be now, so long as it happens." She shook her head, turning back one last time to meet my eyes before she dropped down into the lower span of cells. "Oh, and Varric… if my name or Nathaniel's should ever be directly connected to these in anything _other_ than rumor, I'll take enough fingers to make certain you pen no further masterpieces."

* * *

><p>We fought our way through a second large group of The Duke's men and emptied out the cells they'd stood watch over, though few in this section remained alive. The room was littered with torture devices, one in particular that seemed to infuriate The Hero and leave The Archer with a haunted look in his eyes that spoke of dark things in their shared past. I made a mental note to look into it later as Tallis led us into a large cell that had fallen into disrepair over the years leaving a massive open crack in the rear wall.<p>

"Does everyone have anything they need from the chateau? From the looks of these rocks I doubt we're going to want to test this passage more than once." Tallis carefully inspected the rocks nearest the opening before turning back to look at both Hawke and The Hero for confirmation that they were indeed ready to depart.

"I have everything I need from this dreadful place other than The Duke's poncy Orlesian head… but I suppose that will have to wait." The Hero shrugged, shaking off her sinister comment as though it was nothing and stepping through the gap in the castle wall and into the tunnel beyond.

The rocky walls held until the last of us made it through the passage, crumbling and half sealing itself a few seconds after Carver stepped into the shadows.

"So much for going back that way should anything go wrong with this brilliant plan." Carver's mood was even more foul than normal between spending a large span of time with his brother and those of us he'd honestly hoped never to see again and then having to watch the brief exchange of intimacy between The Hero and The Archer.

"Always so negative, brother." Hawke shook his head. "How about 't_hose rocks are likely to delay any guards who are bound to follow us once they discover we are gone_'? That's the kind of affirmation we're looking for."

Carver started to respond, his brother's arrogant smirk tweaking an already exposed nerve, but was silenced as Anders dashed forward to a nearby bridge and looked out at the large expanse of water in wonder.

"There's a lake… in the middle of the mountain?" He held onto the rail, looking much more like the Anders that The Hero had met that first night in Amaranthine than the jaded man he had become. It brought a half-smile to her face she didn't bother to hide until he turned to look back in her direction.

"This passage was called The Retreat. The Wardens intended to use it to house hundreds of people during the Fourth Blight, possibly thousands." Elissa glanced out across the water herself, attempting to ignore Anders' inquisitive glance when he caught her smile – brief though it was. "You can't do that without fresh water."

"But it's a _lake_, under a mountain…" Anders increased his pace to catch up to her, noting that she almost smiled again but knowing better than to call her on it.

"Varric." She turned back to catch my eyes, and I tilted my chin up in acknowledgement. "How many underground lakes, ponds and near oceans exist in the dwarven cities throughout Thedas?"

"Far more than I'm likely ever to see."

"See, not so impressive when you think about it." Elissa winked at him and moved into the next section of cave, stopping when several frog-like creatures began to flood out of openings in the walls around her. "Maker, what are these?"

"Aha, it seems we've finally found a creature on which I am the expert and _you_ are merely my prodigy." Hawke chuckled, tossing out a hand toward the largest of the creatures and sealing him hard in stone before gathering a large amount of fire for the pack incoming. "That first one was a shaman of some sort. Casts all sort of nasty spells."

"It's called a Velghastrial. It's essentially the strongest of the ghast. That's what these things are called." Tallis dashed forward to Elissa's side, picking off those that made it past the fire along with her while Nathaniel and I kept them from flanking us and Carver ran interference for Anders. "And seeing as Hawke saw them for the first time hunting wyvern this afternoon, I'd hardly call him an expert."

"Two against one isn't really fair ladies." Hawke mumbled his dissatisfaction, securing the Velghastrial once again so that they could finish off the lesser minions before seeing to his end. "Though, I suppose one could suffer through _worse_ than being mocked by two beautiful women."

"Is there any circumstance under which you would find flirting inappropriate?" The Hero rolled her eyes, finishing off the last of the lesser ghast and making her way to the shaman.

"Can't think of one off the top of my head." Hawke smiled, flicking a large ball of flame in the Velghastrial direction, and then slamming it to the dirt with an equally flippant motion. He tossed a wink to The Hero when the creature either smothered or burned to death long before she made it within reach.

She sheathed her blades, pathing forward through a large set of metal gates with a roll of her eyes. The moment she hit the middle of the rocky hallway skeletons began to show themselves in the dirt and grass nearby; remnants of The Blight or perhaps prisoners whose escapes had not gone as intended.

"It's never good to find bodies, skeletal or otherwise." Anders began to scan the walls as though he expected whatever was responsible for leaving them to make itself known at any moment.

"What about pieces of bodies?" The look on The Archer's face was neutral, but there was a tone in his voice that made it clear to what he was referring and the slight flash of blue that crackled around Anders' body made it obvious that he'd gotten the message.

"Perhaps we can delay this particular argument until _after_ we deal with whatever is certain to be headed our way." The Hero's jaw tensed as both the gate behind and in front of us dropped caging all but Tallis in between them.

"Thank the Maker for this bit of luck." Hawke smiled at The Elf, stepping toward the bars and expecting that she would open them and allow for a retreat before the group of men he could now see approaching reached the group. "Don't tell me you've forgotten your lock picks?"

"You're going to have to trust me." Tallis shook her head, backing down the long hall until she disappeared in shadows.

"Tallis!" Hawke yelled after her, grabbing the bars and shaking them in his frustration.

"Forget her!" The Hero's voice was demanding, drawing Hawke's attention to the rear gate – now covered by a large group of The Duke's men. "Either she has a plan and will return to aid us, or she's long gone and no longer a priority at the moment. I need you to focus!"

"The Duke is a fool and most of his enemies are a posturing, guileless lot." Elissa immediately recognized the tattooed face of Prosper's Chasind personal guardsman, Cahir, as did Hawke – and both armed themselves as he opened the gate and moved inside with his men. "But the Hero of Ferelden _and_ Kirkwall's newest savior… the strength of those legends is worth testing."

"Are you certain this is the path you wish to walk, Cahir?" Elissa paced around the grinning henchman, twirling her blades in her hands menacingly. "I can't speak for Kirkwall here, but people who test me don't tend to live long enough to tell the story of their defeat."

"I see the tales of your arrogance are well founded. Let's see how you fare in battle." Cahir started to charge forward, stopping just in time to dodge a carefully aimed dagger and turning his angry eyes to the rocks up above.

"Damn, missed! That would have been a nice shot, too. Very dramatic." It was Tallis. She winked at Hawke as she dropped down, turning to meet The Hero's eyes before falling into battle position. "You didn't think I was leaving, did you?"

"The thought had crossed my mind." Elissa's answer was honest as she moved into the patterns of one of the many dances she and Zevran had developed over the years.

Tallis stayed close at her side and the pair of them kept Cahir busy and off balance while the rest of us finished off the men he'd brought along. By the time my arrow dropped the last of them, The Hero was finishing him off with a savage pull of her sword across his throat.

"Stupid ape of a man. There is a reason my legacy is painted in blood. Testing such things does not make one a stronger warrior, it merely makes one dead and a fool." She tossed his body to the ground in her fury, slamming the blade back into its sheath and stomping over to open the gate that would allow us to move forward.

* * *

><p>The Hero remained silent as we worked our way toward the exit, and not even The Archer made an attempt to break her out of it. If her mood had been sour before it was positively rancid now, and the continuing argument between Tallis and Anders with regard to the Qunari's questionable treatment of mages was doing nothing to help soothe her.<p>

"Right now I'd collar you myself if it got you to shut up for five seconds." It was muttered under her breath, but brought the reaction out of Anders I'm almost certain she desired, sending The Mage charging over from The Elf to her side crackling with blue energy. The Hero stood her ground, going so far as to roll her eyes in the face of his glowering. "I wasn't afraid of you before, and being stuck in the mountain beneath this asshole's chateau has done nothing to change that, so glare all you want."

"So… neither path appears to lead us into a monster's lair. That's a fairly good sign." Hawke swaggered over, positioning himself between the pair and trying to diffuse the rapidly escalating situation while Tallis made it clear which of the tunnels would finally bring us to the surface.

"This passage leads to the surface. We can make our way out now and leave no one the wiser." Tallis paced closer to Hawke, pulling his attention away from Elissa and Anders long enough to hold his eyes. "There are, however, _other_ options."

"You're coming on a bit strong there, Tallis. Stunning though you are, we've only just met…" Hawke smirked, leaning in a bit closer and lowering his voice to a near whisper. "And the timing is a _smidge_ difficult to work with."

"But we've been through so much together!" Tallis followed his eyes over to the still feuding pair just ahead of them, offering a slight nod and continuing to work with him to neutralize them with humor. "Wyvern hunts, betrayals, daring escapes from prison…"

"You're right. I'm feeling so close to you right now." Hawke pulled her in closer, noting that Elissa and Anders had finally stopped fuming and were now watching them with similar looks of disgust and annoyance. "I'm sure we can find an appropriately lit side passage if we looked hard enough…"

"So it's true what they say about you…" Tallis chuckled; face flushing slightly though she knew most of it was for show.

"That he's an incorrigible flirt with horribly inappropriate timing? Yes… that's _absolutely_ true." The Hero huffed past him and rejoined the rest of us, abandoning her issues with The Mage for the time being just as they'd wagered she would.

"I can see that." Tallis cleared her throat, watching as Anders moved back to the group as well. "You've all been so reasonable through this mess. I'm hoping that hasn't changed because what Salit is going to do will harm many innocents – my people as well as yours."

"Oh, _come on_! The bloody exit is right there! Can we not just go? I think we've sacrificed enough time and trauma to the Qunari's poorly thought out plans!" Anders' temper lit anew when he realized that Hawke was considering it – meaning we would be expected to tag along. He turned to look at The Hero, taking a small comfort in the fact that she was continuing to avoid The Elf's eyes.

"It's my duty to stop him, so I will go with or without you." Tallis turned her attention from Hawke, knowing she'd secured his aid and needed to refocus if she was to sway the other half of her potential allies. "At this point I am willing to admit that I can't do it alone. Not anymore. Follow or don't, I can't force your hand… but I've heard the stories about you – good _and_ bad. It's up to you to decide which of those I walk away believing."

Tallis headed down the exit tunnel after that, relaxing when Hawke settled in at her side a few moments later – dragging me and an irritable, reluctant mage in his wake.

"Come along then." Elissa sighed, rubbing at her forehead before making her decision. Neither Nathaniel nor Carver made a sound as they lengthened their strides to keep up with her pace.


	14. Chapter 14: Love Lost in Shadow

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ The final part in the MotA trilogy! A bit of _**_NSFW_**_ content at the end, so be warned. The next chapters are already in the works, and once again we will be leaving the confines of the traditional "game" plot line._

_Muse Music: __Alive__ by Assemblage 23._

_Work continues on the overhaul for the first few books. Chapter Two of Book One should be up within the next few days and will include some new dialogue between Varric and Delilah. Notations will be posted in the Book One Addendum when the new version is up! :D_

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my wonderful betas _**_artemiskat _**_and **Snarkoleptic**__!_

_Edit posted 9/15/2012.  
><em>

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Fourteen: Love Lost in Shadow<strong>_

The fresh air of the mountainside granted a reprieve from the irritation that permeated the group beneath the mountain. Sadly, it was short lived – dead-ending in the snooty lilt of an Orlesian accent as one of our fellow wyvern hunters and his personal guard emerged from the tree line.

"I _knew_ you were a worthless traitor the moment I laid eyes on you." The nobleman tugged at his gloves as he strolled forward, waving his guardsmen ahead of him and nodding his approval when they surrounded our much smaller party.

"You must be a friend of Hawke's." The Hero shrugged when Nathaniel tossed a glance in her direction making it clear that he did not recognize the man and required an explanation as to what she'd done now. "I made a mental list of all the nobility I managed to piss off today. He's not one of mine."

"Baron Arlange! _So_ nice to see you again." Hawke sighed in frustration, pasting on what was more grimace than smile as The Hero made her way forward to his side.

"You humiliated me, you filthy turnip!" The Baron sniffed arrogantly and waved his men forward again before drawing out his own blade – though both Hawke and Elissa sincerely doubted he had any intention of using it for more than show.

"Turnip? That's a new one…" Elissa chuckled and pulled loose her own swords, noting that her humor at his expense did nothing but further infuriate the angry Orlesian. "My, he's testy… what did you do?"

"Managed to kill the wyvern first and then refused to let him steal the credit. Beyond that? He doesn't seem to care for Fereldans and is dreadfully Orlesian." Hawke grabbed his staff, causing the rest of us to arm ourselves as The Baron's guard advanced.

"Ah, well I've had about enough of them today. Shall we remove a few more from the populace?"

"After you my dear." Hawke shared a smile with her, chuckling when she barreled forward into the two men ahead of her and took both of them to the ground.

The battle was short lived as the arrogant nobleman and his guard had no idea what they were really getting themselves into. The Hero walked away from The Baron, leaving him for Hawke to finish off and making no effort to hide the satisfied smile on her face when his shrieks made it obvious his death had been slow and involved large amounts of fire.

"That was more than a little unsettling." I pitched my comment to draw The Archer's ears, falling to the rear of the group that now followed The Hero's pathing back toward the chateau.

"We need to wrap this up quickly." Nathaniel's voice was even, but his pace and the twitch in his jaw told me that whatever patience The Hero had left was quickly waning. I'd read enough in those journals to know that whatever it was that came after it the last remnants wore away was nothing any of us wanted to see.

* * *

><p>The closer to The Duke's manor we managed to get, the heavier the presence of the Tal-Vashoth forces became. Eventually Tallis managed to identify and isolate the leader of the mercenary forces, requesting a few seconds to question him before we made our final press into the estate gates.<p>

"I don't understand… if these Qunari are also renegade – then why are they hunting this Salit?" Hawke drifted closer to The Hero, noting she was watching the discussion between Tallis and the fallen kossith closely enough to have at least a basic understanding of the language.

"Tal-Vashoth have no loyalty to the Qun nor to one another. They are mercenaries in the purest sense, going wherever their financial gain is greatest. If someone paid them to track Salit, it would not matter what he once was – so long as the promise of coin was sufficient to suit their needs." Elissa silenced as Tallis rose from her discussion, wiping the kossith's blood off her blade and making her way back to the group.

"Salit is already here. He's meeting with The Duke at the base of the mountain." The Elf scratched at her temples in frustration.

"Then we've gone the wrong way. We'll need to increase our pace if you expect to make it down in time to do anything other than search for clues as to where they've gone once the exchange is complete." The Hero didn't wait for a response, dashing off into the tree line in an attempt to cut time off by ignoring the proper pathway. Tallis followed immediately, leaving the rest of us to run as well or be left behind.

* * *

><p>By the time we made it to the new location, the meeting was nearly over. We divided into three groups and waited for Tallis' signal to intervene.<p>

"Let's get this over with, Qunari, before your assassin finds us. Already I regret sparing them." Prosper scratched at his beard in frustration. "I should have lopped off their heads and saved myself the stress."

"I have chosen my path. That choice should not condemn others simply because-"

"Parshaara." The Duke waved the much larger kossith to silence. "I am here to facilitate your deal with the Empress, nothing more. I have no concern for the… _etiquette_… of your kind."

He waved his assistant forward to retrieve the scroll Salit offered, sighing impatiently when the younger man simply stood there gawking at the paper while saying nothing.

"Names, your grace. I-it's a list of… _names_." The young man shook his head in confusion, flinching back when The Duke strode forward and snatched it from his hands to inspect it himself.

"What is the meaning of this?" Prosper shook the parchment in his fury, taking several angry steps toward the small group of kossith.

"Your Empress asked for a weapon, I have provided it." Salit did not flinch, nor did his guard.

"We expected the formula for black powder! Dreadnought plans, a map of Qunandar, _anything_! This… this is useless!" The Duke slung the scroll to the ground, stomping away in fury.

I watched as Tallis signaled us from her perch high on the rampart wall and shouldered Bianca when Hawke led Anders and I onto the already tension filled landing.

"Your grace!" The Duke's assistant alerted him to our presence, making the look on his face even fouler.

"Ah, Fereldan. You just _keep_ turning up." Prosper shook his head and continued pacing.

"I have an excellent sense of dramatic timing… and fantastic hair." Even I couldn't help but laugh as Hawke folded his arms over his chest and stared over at The Duke with a smug smile.

"Joke while you can. You will not find this situation funny for very long." Prosper was clearly nearing the end of his tolerance, taking several steps forward before Tallis dropped down in front of him.

"Tallis…" Salit shook his head.

"I said I would stop you, Salit." The Elf pulled lose her daggers, no longer concerned with The Duke or his men.

"And I said I would slay you if you tried." The kossith took his greatsword down from its anchor, flexing his fingers around the hilt.

"If anyone is to do any slaying it is me!" Prosper hissed out the words, waving his hands to send his guard into action and pacing away to a safe distance. "Kill them all!"

The Hero dropped down then and blocked The Duke's escape, smiling when his eyes noted both Nathaniel and Carver moving in to flank her position.

"And here I thought you'd been smart enough to take your shameful secret and slink away." His eyes drifted over Nathaniel with disgust. "Poor Bryce and Eleanor. I'm glad they aren't alive to witness how hard you're working to disgrace the Cousland name."

"You really _aren't_ helping yourself." Elissa could barely press out the words from between her jaws, pulling loose her swords and pacing forward.

"I'm not afraid of you child. I fear no one." Prosper tugged a small crossbow loose from his hip, shooting a large, green blob of goo to smack against Salit's chest. "None of you will leave here alive."

"Get it off!" Elissa yelled a warning at the kossith, hearing the call of a wyvern as she dashed off in pursuit of her own target.

Salit scratched at it to no avail. The concoction had bonded itself to his flesh and drawn in Prosper's pet like a beacon. Even the kossith's massive blade was no match for the hungry creature's maw, and all of us cringed as the wyvern shredded him into bite-sized chunks.

"Hawke! You've dropped one today, can you manage another?" The Hero held his eyes long enough to ensure that Hawke understood she expected him to take care of the wyvern while she managed The Duke and his men.

"Of course, darling. You take care of those pesky Orlesians. We'll compare notes after." Hawke lobbed a fist full of stone at the great beast, drawing it hissing and screeching down upon us while The Hero waved Carver off to deal with Prosper's men, leaving Nathaniel to fire at whatever he could between the lot of us.

The battle raged for longer than any of us expected. We managed to drop the wyvern around the same time as The Hero flipped The Duke over the ledge of his landing – though I was certain from what I'd seen of the fight that she'd drawn that fight out simply to toy with the man.

Hawke rubbed at his newly healed shoulder and strolled forward to her side, watching as she sheathed her blades and took several steps toward the dangling Orlesian nobleman.

"Keep away from me!" Prosper's words were strained as he struggled to maintain his grip on the edge. "The Empress will hear of this! Orlais will burn Kirkwall _and_ Ferelden to the ground! All of you will die screaming! I swear it!"

"And who… _exactly_… is going to tell her?" Elissa knelt down, smiling a venomous smile at The Duke and brushing his fingertips with the toe of her boot.

"_You wouldn't dare_!" The Duke's eyes went wide in fear.

"You know _nothing_ about me." There was a flash of something in The Hero's eyes that dissipated into a smoky shadow as she rose, preventing the rest of us from seeing whatever it was that sent Prosper into a frightened Orlesian rant before she planted her foot on his hand and sent him hurtling to the sharp rocks below.

"And that would be why you don't waste your last minutes monologuing." I cleared my throat, trying to shake away the swell of discomfort I felt at the absence of conscience in The Hero's eyes… a look that seemed to have carried over into Hawke's as well. The pair shared a nod, something changing in the air between them as they walked back to gather those of us who had not already drifted forward to their side.

"The Duke had no idea what Salit gave to him." Tallis walked forward, clutching the scroll she'd retrieved in her hand.

"What's on that thing anyway?" Hawke's curiosity got the better of him, and he leaned forward to get a look as Tallis unrolled it.

"This is a list of agents throughout Thedas. Qunari like myself. Many of them have children, family, friends." I watched Hawke scan name after name, looking up in surprise when he found one he recognized. "They're people you wouldn't suspect."

"Your name is among them." Hawke didn't need to say it aloud, his words drew the attention of the person he'd intended based on inflection alone.

"You… you're _Qunari_?" The outrage rang clear in Anders' words as the blue energy began to crackle around him again.

"No, but I'm unsurprised that they thought me sympathetic to their cause. For a time, I was." She stood unflinching as The Mage approached her again. "But that changed. There are things about the Qunari culture I simply cannot make peace with. No matter what that parchment says I was never an agent of the Qun, nor will I ever be."

She held his eyes, and whatever he saw there was enough to calm his temper and send him pacing back in my direction. The Hero said her farewells then, more than done with the day and the company as she made her way back up the mountain.

* * *

><p>"I was beginning to think you were going to waste away in the bath rather than share a bed with me tonight." Elissa glanced at Nathaniel as he made his way into the room, noting he hadn't bothered to put on a shirt when he left the wash room. His damp hair dripped down his shoulders and left trails across his chest, drawing her eye and his notice of it.<p>

"I just needed some time to decompress. I'd assumed you could use the same." He moved to stand behind her in the window, wrapping his arms around her waist and breathing in the smell of her lilac scented hair. "Feeling better?"

"I could use a bit more of a release than a simple bath could grant me." She turned in his arms, grazing her fingertips through the droplets of water that streaked his skin.

"I think I can manage that." Nathaniel chuckled and pressed a slow kiss to her lips, pulling her nightshirt open to bare her shoulder. As he made his way down her neck his eyes caught the bottle sitting open beside her in the window. The slightly luminous purple liquid inside it was impossible to mistake.

"Aquas Lucidae? Are you sure that's wise?" He pulled back, searching her eyes and finding them clear and unaffected.

"I haven't had any, and I won't unless you join me."

"Elissa… it's poison, _literally_. Hallucinogenic poison." Nathaniel ran his fingers through her hair, holding the sides of her face. "Why—"

"It's also believed to be quite the aphrodisiac… in small doses." Elissa traced his hipbones with her fingertips, a part of his body she knew to be extremely sensitive to her touch.

"I don't think we really need one." His voice deepened as he traced his hands up her hips and slid beneath her shirt, trailing his fingers along the curve of her breasts and listening to her breath hitch.

"Probably not… but I need…" She pulled in a breath, stilling his hands and focusing him in on her eyes again. "I need to disconnect, Nathaniel. Today was… it was nearly more than I could manage. I said I won't do it without you, and I won't – but will you do it for me? Please… I—"

He sighed, drawing her into the circle of his arms and pressing a kiss to her hair as he reached to the windowsill and picked up the bottle. He held her eyes as he took a drink from it, then handed it over into her hands and watched her do the same.

It didn't take long to feel the effects, mildly warming at first then expanding into something entirely different. If asked about it later, they'd both claim it was reminiscent of their time in The Fade; the mild effects of the venom creating a disconnect between body and mind that extended pleasure to the extent that climax became entirely optional.

For Elissa this meant she could simply focus on sensation without thought, something that she could never do otherwise. It also made her entirely pliant to Nathaniel's will and put him in complete control of their lovemaking.

Elissa's personality didn't normally allow for such a thing, nor did her progressively more aggressive predilections give him the option of taking his time or treating her as tenderly as he would have liked to under regular circumstances. It became intoxicating to him, seeing how much he could pull out of her – how many boundaries she would allow him to test – how many places in the large estate he could get her to go.

When they finally made their way back upstairs to the master suite, Nathaniel was willing to admit that this idea had not been the worst Elissa had ever come up with. He laid her back against the bed, making his way slowly down her body to settle between her legs and push her right to the edge one more time. The heel of one foot dug into his back and he pressed her other leg to the side, reveling in the increasingly impassioned pleas for him to continue what he was doing. When he was certain she'd very nearly reached climax once again, he stopped and made his way back up her body to slide inside her.

He trailed his lips from her shoulder to her neck, intending to make his way back up to her mouth before he was distracted by the fine strands of blonde hair splayed out on the pillow around her head. He turned his eyes back to her face, needing to reassure himself it was a trick of the moonlight, but instead he found that the woman arching in pleasure beneath him was not the one he'd taken to bed.

"She will never love you. Not the way you deserve." There was no mistaking the thin, tan body or the face that now spoke to him.

"Velanna, what..?" Nathaniel drew back, attempting to pull away, but she clenched down her legs and arms allowing him no escape.

"I could have given you that." She leaned up to suck at his throat, and he pressed his eyes closed against the sensation – willing the obvious hallucination to dissipate and leave him back where he wanted to be.

"Open your eyes." He recognized the voice in his ear, pitched low and heavy with desire – but again it was not Elissa.

"_Delilah_?" Nathaniel suppressed his urge to be sick at the very idea that he would lie with his own sister, turning his face away from her.

"You chose her over me… walked away when I needed you most." Her sentence was lost in a moan and Nathaniel could not help but thrust against her when she trailed her nails along his back, much the same as Elissa would do in encouraging the same motion. "You chose her over your own sister, your own nephew, your own blood!"

"T-this isn't real. _You_ aren't real." He pressed his eyes shut tight , repeating the phrase in his head when saying it aloud didn't seem to do enough.

"Open your eyes. It's important that you see what it is you've done... what it is you've chosen."

"_You aren't real_!" Nathaniel opened his eyes again, pressing up on his arms to look down at whoever it was that now lay beneath him – his bravado fading quickly once he realized it wasn't a _who_ at all.

It was The Beast in its purest form, the black swirls of its eyes gazing up at him from Elissa's face. He could see the progression of the taint in her skin, the dark lines of her veins now full of the darkspawn's poison, her deep crimson mouth and nearly black hair, the ebony nails now more like talons digging into the flesh of his bicep.

"This is what you wanted. This is what you loved... forsaking all else, even yourself." She smiled, revealing a mouth full of razor sharp teeth as she leaned in toward him. At that moment he was certain she intended to tear out his throat, and the logical part of his brain fell silent. He reached up, pressing his hands against the soft flesh of her neck and hoping he could render The Beast unconscious before she managed sink her fangs in deep enough to do worse to him.

* * *

><p>What Elissa saw was not so different, or not so different in what it brought out of her. She'd enjoyed every second since they started, relishing the press of his body against hers when he finally moved to enter her for the last time once they'd reached the bed. She arched against him, pressing her heels into his back to increase his pace and closing her eyes to ride the sensation.<p>

As she traced her hands over his body, her fingers found a scar she did not recognize, so she opened her eyes intending to question him – stuttering to silence when the face above her no longer belonged to the man she'd taken to her bed.

"Your heart is hard. You appreciate none of us when we are here, and do not mourn us when we are gone. This one will be no different."

"Riordan? You're... this is impossible..." Her brow furrowed as he pressed his lips to hers, and she closed her eyes to the apparition – trying to focus instead on the hands on her skin and the sensation of him moving inside of her.

"You deserved it… what I did to you." Her eyes flew open at the sound of that voice, and she pulled back – looking up to find Thomas looking down at her. "I think a part of you even _liked_ it."

"_Thomas_!" She struggled against him, suddenly wanting anything other than to be where she was – though a part of her mind still understood that he wasn't really there.

"The things you have my brother do… the things you request…" He traced his lips down her chest, pressing teeth into her nipple hard enough to draw blood and chuckling against her skin when she arched into it rather than pulling away. "We would have been good together…"

"_Shut up_!" Elissa closed her eyes, trying to force herself to focus – to understand that none of this was real – that it was just her and Nathaniel - the same as it had been hours before. When she opened them again she looked up to find her worst nightmare.

"You have turned into a perfect monster, my beautiful girl. I couldn't have done better had I shaped you with my own hand." Rendon Howe traced his hands tenderly over her face, smiling wider when she gagged and pushed at his chest. She felt the press of his hands against her throat moments later, wide-eyed and panicked as she looked up at him, certain that everything she'd believed about the last years of her life was nothing but illusion and he would end her just as he'd always meant to do.

Fear spurred her into action and she dug her nails into his forearms, pulling and tearing at the flesh in an attempt to free herself from his grasp.

Climax led to clarity, and both Nathaniel and Elissa were horrified to find themselves sweaty and panting in the aftermath of passion with his hands at her throat and her nails bloody from what she'd done to his arms.

He rolled aside, allowing her to scramble off the bed and dash to the wash basin where she scrubbed frantically at her skin – the sight of his blood making her want to run screaming out of the room though she fought against it.

"What did you see?" Nathaniel's voice was shaking as he watched her make her way back over to the bed.

"Does it matter?" She reached forward to inspect his arms, her brow furrowing in shame and embarrassment when she realized just how much damage she had done. "Get dressed. I'll get some bandages."

"I'm not going to Anders with this." His voice was cold and resolute, stopping her as she flipped her shirt over her head.

"You need a healer's attention, Nathaniel. Those gashes, they're… they won't heal on their own." Elissa paced over to pick up her smallclothes, tugging them on and searching for her pants.

"Stitch them up." He watched her eyes flicker over to him where he sat unmoving. "I don't care about the scars."

"I can do nothing for the pain."

"I've grown accustomed to it."

She retrieved the kit from his pack, taking a seat on the bed beside him and carefully closing the wounds she'd opened only moments before. They didn't speak through the process, and Nathaniel only broke the silence when she continued to dress upon finishing.

"Where are you going?" He watched her tug on her boots and throw more of her belongings into her pack.

"I can't stay here." She didn't meet his eyes, simply continued to tuck things away.

"Elissa…"

"_Don't_!" She turned to him, near tears in her anguish and fury. "Look what I've done to you… what you've nearly done to me…"

"It was a hallucination, Elissa. An effect of the toxin we both took in." Nathaniel stood and walked over to her, seeing that she was even more shaken than he had been, and he was near to his breaking point.

"Was it a hallucination that we both _enjoyed_ it? Was it a hallucination that it was the most intense orgasm I've ever had? Can you tell me you didn't experience the same?" She held his eyes, watching him swallow when he could not deny her. "I've poisoned you, Nathaniel – and not just tonight. You are not this man… you are not what I've made you. This has to end."

"So you're walking away? That's it?" His temper was mounting in the face of what he now realized was happening. "What about how I feel, what I want?"

"Do you want me to kill you? Is that what you want?" Her voice broke as she looked at him, reaching out to touch him but drawing back her hands when she could still see his blood underneath the edge of her nail bed. "Because that's what's going to happen if we continue, and I can't lose you that way."

"You'd rather lose me to your fear?"

"I'd rather know you're alive! I'd rather lose you than _end_ you… can't you see… this is the _right_ thing to do." She paced toward the door, shouldering her pack.

"Elissa!" Nathaniel called out once more, turning her back long enough to read in her eyes that she would not stay no matter what he said to her.

And just like that, she was gone.


	15. Chapter 15: Depend On Me and I Will Let

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ And here we have the fallout from the latest of Elissa's poor decisions which only serve to remind her just how much she should probably just stay away from everyone and everything :P_

_Muse Music: __God is a Strangely Absent Father__ by Assemblage 23._

_Revisions and additions through Chapter 2 of __Star Crossed__ are now posted for those who are interested. :D_

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers. Love hearing from you guys. Extra thanks to my lovely betas _**_artemiskat_**_ and **Snarkoleptic **for all the work they do._

_Edit posted 9/21/2012.  
><em>

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Fifteen: Depend On Me and I Will Let You Down<strong>_

Nathaniel paced the floors of Elissa's Hightown bedroom throughout the night, poring over his options with regard to cleaning up this latest mess and the reasons why each one of them was not a viable solution in this situation. It took every ounce of willpower he had to make himself wait until the first light of day came into the Kirkwall sky to begin his search for her, and even then the voice in the back of his mind whispered to him that she probably didn't want to be found.

He found no signs that would indicate she'd returned to the Lowtown shack since last they'd been there, and thus reluctantly headed to Darktown. Anders was the closest thing to a friend she had in the Free Marches and Nathaniel hoped that regardless of the issues that remained between them they could at least find common ground in concern for Elissa's well being.

The Mage was only recently awake and had not seen or heard from Elissa. He could tell that Anders had little sympathy for the predicament in which he found himself, though he managed to keep his commentary to a minimum and suggested that The Archer make a trip to The Rose in search of her.

"She used to frequent The Pearl when things were amiss in Denerim. It's possible that she would use The Rose in much the same way here in Kirkwall." Anders kept his face as neutral as possible, watching Nathaniel head back out into the dawn with a little more than a nod in his direction.

The Rose turned up nothing useful with regard to Elissa's whereabouts, though a long and uncomfortable conversation with Serendipity did prove Anders to be correct in assuming that she did use the establishment in much the same way as she had used The Pearl back in Denerim. Standing back out in the streets of Hightown, he racked his brain for anywhere else she might consider a safe haven. Her friendship with Cullen aside, he knew that Elissa was not comfortable enough to stay in any Chantry-heavy environment no matter how desperate she had become. That left only The Hanged Man and Isabela.

* * *

><p>"Sadly she did not come to me for comfort." The Pirate lounged back against the bar and pouted. "It's a shame. I would gladly have offered her my bosom to cry on or a shoulder if that's what she required."<p>

"I'm sure you would have." Nathaniel cleared his throat; his nerves were far too raw to go any further into this conversation at the moment. After several more seconds of awkward innuendo laced conversation, he excused himself and made his way to my quarters.

"I realize you don't know her well, and that you don't know me at all… but it's important that I find her and I've run out of ideas as to where she might go. At the very least you've spent time in her company and might have picked up a pattern in the places that she frequents." It was the first real conversation I'd had with the man, and the first glimpse of true emotion he'd allowed me to read in his features.

"I think you're overlooking a rather obvious choice." I waited a moment for it to register, but he simply shook his head in confusion. "Hawke?"

"You really think she'd turn to him? It didn't seem as though they were tolerant enough of one another to spend more than a day together before having to separate and regroup." The look on his face shifted from concern into true anxiety at the thought that she might have gone to the flirty mage for anything other than a sarcastic exchange of smart remarks.

"That's true enough, but his estate is close to hers. If she was as unstable as you believed her to be, it's possible that she knew how unwise it was to wander through the Kirkwall night alone." I could have stopped there, but I read in his face that he wasn't buying my suggestion so I threw out the one bit of information I knew would sway him enough to at least go and check. "Not to mention that's where Carver is staying, and the last I saw the two of them get along just fine."

"That is… _not_… reassuring." His eyes flickered up to mine and I glimpsed the flash of anger there before he shoved it back down again. "But you're right, it's worth looking into. Thank you for your time."

* * *

><p>He headed out after that and I half hoped I was wrong to assume that was where she would go. If he found her there, it was likely to be a bumpy morning for everyone involved.<p>

"Good morning, messere. How may I be of service?" The older dwarf that answered Hawke's door offered a smile that was sincere enough, but the way he opened the door only far enough to make eye contact with whomever was outside, made it clear to Nathaniel that he'd been given specific instructions on who was and wasn't allowed to enter.

"I was hoping to speak with Morgan Hawke. If I could come in for a moment, I promise not to take up too much of his time." He knew he was testing his boundaries. The dwarf's body language made it clear he was not welcome, but it was the only way he could be certain his instincts were correct. If Hawke had allowed Elissa to seek shelter within his estate, he was unlikely to be completely honest with regard to her current whereabouts.

"My apologies, messere. I have been given specific instructions to allow no one entry without direct approval from Master Hawke. If you will give me a moment, I can go and retrieve him."

Nathaniel nodded, knowing he would get no better offer and feeling that charging inside a home in which he was not welcome on the already busy Hightown streets was probably not the best idea he'd ever had.

"I was wondering when you'd turn up." Hawke leaned against the door-frame casually.

"If you've been expecting me, then I don't need to ask where she is." Nathaniel fought against the flare of his temper when my suggestion turned out to be fact.

"She's here." It was all Hawke offered.

"I'd like to speak with her." Nathaniel could feel the muscle in his jaw twitching when the mage stood with a sigh and folded his arms across his chest.

"Now that's going to be a problem. The lady gave very specific instructions that she was not taking visitors today."

"If you told her who it was I'm sure—"

"She specifically mentioned your name." Hawke watched The Archer's mouth snap shut. "In fact, it was the _only_ name she gave out with regard to who she did not wish to see."

"Look, I'm not sure what she told you—" Nathaniel tried to explain himself, knowing the condition Elissa must have been in when she came to Hawke's door and how that might make him appear in this scenario.

"Not much. She isn't much of a talker, your Commander. But when a woman shows up at my door in the dark of night half dressed with bruises on her throat asking for shelter… well, I don't tend to ask too many questions." Hawke's tone never changed, but Nathaniel watched the flash of temper twitch in the muscle alongside his neck and knew the conclusions he'd jumped to with regard to what must have brought Elissa to his door.

"Believe me when I say that I did not leave our altercation without being marked myself." Nathaniel subconsciously flexed his arms, feeling the pull of his muscles against the stitching Elissa had put in hours before.

"It tends to happen when they fight back."

"Fight back? Fight… you really have _no_ idea what you're getting in the middle of here and you've made a number of assumptions about what brought her to your door that are dreadfully inaccurate." Nathaniel felt his temper nearing the point of no return when it became clear that the man in front of him had no intention of allowing him to speak with Elissa, and now believed him to be some sort of abusive element in her life.

"You know, Anders tends to be a bit… jaded… when it comes to how he sees the world, so I was inclined to believe that he said the things he did about you out of jealousy. But I'm starting to see what it is he's always gone on about." Hawke allowed his own temper to flare when he realized that Nathaniel had no intention of leaving without getting what he'd come for. "When it comes down to it, I don't care _what_ the story is or what injury you might have suffered. What you did to her was unconscionable."

"Don't pretend you're doing this out of some noble need to defend her virtue." Nathaniel snorted, pacing away a few steps and trying to rein himself in before this went any further out of control. "You've been trying to bed her right in front of me from the moment I got here. I doubt that's changed simply because you believe her to be a damsel in need of rescue."

"Even I wouldn't take advantage of her right now." That he would admit such a thing spoke volumes to Nathaniel of the condition she must be in and made him even more adamant about getting inside to see her. Hawke saw the change of intention in his eyes and attempted to shift the focus of the conversation to deter him, though in retrospect even he would admit that his diversion was poorly chosen. "I don't think she'd take me up on it regardless. The company she currently prefers is younger and distinctly less hairy, though still a Hawke."

"If Carver touches her I'll—" Nathaniel charged forward as his fury finally peaked beyond what he could control.

"You'll what? _Choke_ him? I think you'll find that my brother won't go down easily, nor will he fight alone." Hawke didn't even flinch, refusing to back down regardless of the threats leveled in his direction.

There were few things that Hawke believed unflinchingly, and not raising a hand to a woman was one of them. Whatever had sent The Hero to his door in such a state when the two had only recently reached what he would call neutral status must have been dire indeed. He'd been prepared for an altercation should The Archer turn up - as Elissa had suggested he would - and he reached for his staff when it became clear that's exactly what was going to happen.

"Don't!" Both men turned to see Elissa standing in the doorway of Hawke's library looking more world-weary than she had since the night she'd threatened to walk away from the Wardens once and for all. "If you cast it will bring the templars down on your house. I've caused enough trouble for you already. Just let him in and I'll deal with it."

Hawke moved aside, allowing Nathaniel to move through the door. He glared back at the mage as he moved in Elissa's direction, stopping to hold her eyes for a moment before passing her and moving into the room beyond.

"It's alright, Morgan." She stopped him at the doorway with a hand on his arm when it was clear he did not intend to leave them alone. "Give us a few minutes. I'm sure you'll hear if there is any reason for you to intervene."

"So you're on a first name basis now?" Nathaniel tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but found himself unable to disguise it, and knew he'd already struck a nerve when she sighed and leaned against the door for a moment after closing it.

"Showing up at someone's home in the middle of the night and begging for a place to sleep tends to change the dynamic between them." She turned slowly and Nathaniel could read the exhaustion in her posture; shoulders slumped, eyes puffy from lack of sleep and an abundance of tears. She looked as broken as he felt. "But I don't want to argue about that… I don't want to argue about anything."

"Nor do I." Nathaniel felt his temper neutralizing and reached out for her, attempting not to show a reaction when she immediately pulled away from his touch.

"I'm tired, Nathaniel, and I don't think we have anything left to talk about – so say whatever it is you came here to say. I have things I need to accomplish today and I'd like to have a bath before I set out to do them." She ran her fingers through her hair and took a seat on the couch in front of the fireplace.

"Nothing left to talk… Elissa, we haven't talked at all! You ranted and stormed out. I never got to say anything and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you walk away from me without an actual discussion beyond '_I can't do this anymore'_!"

"Fine. Say your piece, but there is nothing you can come up with I haven't already thought of and dismissed. There is nothing you can say that will change my mind." She leaned forward and rubbed her face with her hands before looking up at him again. "I was a fool to think how I felt about you could change the path we were on… I'm too far gone now, Nathaniel – and it's starting to wear on you as well. I can't ignore the signs any longer."

"So you're back to believing in that crazy swamp witch's prophecies?" Nathaniel shook his head, pacing in frustration. They'd been here before, but he'd always been able to talk her back from the edge. He doubted it would be that easy this time. "Our lives are what _we_ make of them, Elissa. If you believe her then you make her words true."

"This is not a joke, Nathaniel… not an illusion." She stood, tugging loose the scarf she'd tossed around her neck to hide the bruising there so he could see the dark, shadowy prints of his own hands burned into the pale skin there. "This is what I've become. This is what I inspire in you. It's too dangerous for us to continue with what we've been doing."

"It's too dangerous for us to keep loving one another? Will you listen to yourself?" He reached out for her hands, holding to them when she tried to pull away and forcing her to meet his eyes. "You're trying to shut me out, but I can still read enough to know you aren't sure about this. You love me, Elissa. You can't just walk away."

"I'll walk away _because_ I love you, Nathaniel. I have to. Last night made that very clear." She tugged her hands away and paced over to the window, wrapping her arms around herself and trying very hard to shut him out completely.

"That's it then? That's all I get?" He followed behind her, careful not to initiate physical contact as that seemed only to make things worse at the moment. "You tell me it's for my own good and expect me to simply accept that and let you go?"

"I know better than to think it would be that simple, but I hope that you will learn to accept it in time. For now the distance will help make the transition easier."

"You're staying in Kirkwall permanently?"

"I can't stay here forever, not as Warden-Commander of Ferelden." Elissa sighed, turning back to him and meeting his eyes again. "But I've spoken with the First Warden about several situations of interest here and he agrees that maintaining a presence for the time being would work in the Wardens' favor. I will spend the majority of my time here and you will take command in Amaranthine when I am unable to be there."

"Sounds like you've got it all planned out. I'll go pack my things." He turned, seeing there was no ground left to gain.

"Nathaniel, wait…" She reached out, grabbing his hand to stop him before he could open the door. "You have to know I didn't want it to be this way. I am sorry for the pain I've caused you. I never—"

"I need to go, Commander." There was finality relayed in using her title over her name that made her flinch and release his hand, watching him disappear out of the library and then out into the Kirkwall morning. She resolved herself not to cry again though she very much wanted to, and went to seek Hawke out so he could point her to the bath.

* * *

><p>When Elissa made her way to Darktown it was the last stop in a very long day. She hoped that her visit would somehow play out easier than she imagined it was going to, but the look on Anders' face when he caught sight of her made it clear that had been wishful thinking.<p>

"If you're looking for a shoulder to cry on, I'd suggest you go back to Hawke's. I warned you it would end like this when you insisted on bedding down with that lunatic before I left. I have no sympathy for you now that my predictions have come true."

"I didn't come here with any intention of discussing that, but your insensitivity to my _obvious_ despair is noted." Elissa rolled her eyes, shaking off his comments and shielding herself with sarcasm and disinterest.

"Then what is it you want? I know you too well to believe for a moment you've come here without an agenda." He folded his arms and leaned against a nearby cot, waiting for her to come clean.

"It's an offer, not an agenda." She paced closer to where he stood, noting the suspicion in his face and wondering if it came from him or his… passenger. "I need to take the item I retrieved from The Duke's vault to Avernus for evaluation. I was thinking that you might be interested in coming along."

"What would make you think I had any interest in going to see your pet blood mage?" Anders snorted and paced away from her, going back to mixing together various poultices for his clinic.

"Only that he's been helpful to me in learning to manage some sort of balance, and he knows a great deal more than I do about helping people in your situation." Elissa watched the slight shift in his position when he considered her words, and felt it safe to continue. "It is possible that he can find a way to make things more agreeable for _both_ of you. That would neutralize the threat that you pose in my mind and make it easier for me to leave you in peace, and for you to remain hidden in plain sight. I'd imagine both of those to be pretty high on your list of things to do."

"Do you honestly think that Avernus can help us, or is this just subterfuge aimed at dragging me back to the Wardens?" His eyes narrowed as he turned back in her direction.

"I sincerely believe that if anyone I know has answers beyond locking you away, it's Avernus. But if you don't trust me, bring someone along you do trust…. Hawke, Varric… Isabela is sailing the ship, but I doubt she would be suitable ally in your eyes." She watched him process the offer, trying to read her body language for any sign she might be trying to pull one over on him – or that his new friends had given him up in exchange for any number of things she might offer to them in order to retrieve someone lost from her fold.

"I'll speak to Hawke. How long do I have?" Anders turned back to the table.

"I'd like to leave no later than tomorrow afternoon. If I haven't heard from you, I'll assume you've declined." Elissa didn't wait for him to acknowledge her further, knowing he would not. Instead she flipped up her cowl and stalked back out into the growing dusk of the Kirkwall night.

* * *

><p>"I only ask that you not forget that I gifted this ship to you to make my life easier, not so you can go off gallivanting with your pirate pals and leave me stranded the first chance you get." Elissa turned away from the pirate and met Nathaniel's eyes for a moment as he boarded the ship. It was the first they'd seen of each other since their discussion at Hawke's estate and she could read nothing through the conduit as he passed – but the pain and anger she saw in his eyes told her what she'd find there if he'd allowed her to.<p>

"Have a little bit of faith in me, Lissy." Isabela noted the tense exchange between the pair with interest, but could discern enough from her friend's posture to know not to test her patience by prying.

"I have faith in your being a creature of habit, Iz. Eventually you _will_ run off with my ship. I'm simply asking for a little advance warning." She sighed and stalked off to her quarters to get settled while Isabela finished off her preparations and got them underway.

Elissa didn't leave her quarters until the absence of chatter told her most of her shipmates were long asleep. She'd tried to do the same herself, but found her mind far too restless to allow her body to settle. Eventually she tugged on her sleep shirt, ignoring that it had once belonged to Nathaniel, and made her way out to the bow of the ship to watch the stars drift by.

"Enjoying the view?" Isabela didn't even flinch as I approached. She hadn't been caught off guard by my approach as this was our usual meeting hour and she was in no way ashamed of what I'd caught her doing as she steered the ship through the night waters.

"Absolutely." She smiled, continuing to watch the figure standing at the bow. The Hero's hair flipped about enticingly in the wind, though I was certain it was more the vast expanse of bare leg that drew our captain's eye.

"I could offer to take the helm so you can go and talk to her rather than watch from the shadows."

"I'm sharing the captain's quarters with her, Varric. If I wish to _talk_ with her I'm certain I'll have plenty of time before we dock in Highever." She smiled and nudged the ship further into the wind.

"So it's true? She and The Archer have parted ways?" I'd known something was amiss when he'd shown up at The Hanged Man searching for her, and been certain when he turned up again to take a room down the hall – but a part of me had been just as sure that whatever it was would pass as quickly as it had come on.

"They aren't sleeping together or speaking so at the very least there is trouble in paradise. How permanent it is, I couldn't say. She isn't talking about it and neither is he." She chuckled when the surprise that she'd already made a play at The Archer showed in my face. "Don't worry, I only offered him a shoulder to cry on, if such a thing was required."

"Uh-huh. I'm sure it was your _shoulder_ you offered…." I couldn't help but laugh with her, though it trailed off quickly when I saw the figure headed to join The Hero at the bow. "Oh, that's not going to go well..."

* * *

><p>"What <em>is<em> that thing anyway?" Carver was surprised when Elissa didn't even flinch at his approach.

He was still learning about the Warden mythos and had no way of knowing she'd been tracking the movements of her Wardens about the ship since they'd boarded. Out at sea she was disconnected from the vast majority of the horde and found that silence more upsetting that she'd ever imagined it could be. Tracking the others of her kind gave her focus, and as Carver was the only one without a distinct connection to her own blood – it made him easy to pick out among the three.

"This is a rather large chunk of Archdemon skull now fused into what I'd assume to be a bit of the Fort Drakon stone I killed it on." She held the item out in her hands as Carver moved up to the rail, tracing the edge of the fractured eye socket with her thumb.

"_Archdemon_?" Carver eyed the thing cautiously, as though it still held some sort of harmful energy that might creep out of it and kill them all at any moment. "How in Thedas did that poncy tool get his hands on a piece of Archdemon skull?"

"There were hundreds of people up on that roof in the final battle, and hundreds more helping with the cleanup. Any one of them could have taken a piece for themselves in the aftermath. People will pay a great deal of coin for artifacts of this sort…" Elissa's eyes never wavered from the skull, and Carver's nervous energy built at the methodical way that she continued to trace the edges with her fingers. "What I'm interested isn't the how so much as the why As far as I can tell it's just bone and stone, but my sources led me to believe it was much more. If that's true, I want to know why Prosper was in possession of it and whether it was simply a piece of his personal collection or something he intended to transport back to Orlais."

"Do you think the Empress wanted it?" Carver watched the slight shake of her head and realized she knew as little as he did at this point about the truth behind it.

"Honestly, I haven't a clue. I'd ask Stroud but I can't be certain he'd tell me the truth. So I'm taking it to Soldier's Peak. There is a Warden there who may be able to give me an idea of how useful or dangerous it might be."

"What then?"

"If it's useful, we decide how best to use it. If it's dangerous, I contact the First Warden to see what he believes we should do with it. That option likely involves another trip to Weisshaupt for me, which I'd just as soon avoid…" Elissa shivered subconsciously at the memory of the last time she'd been there, and Carver wondered what could have happened to make her that uncomfortable with a return to the hub of their Order. "If it's simply bone and stone… then we dispose of it."

"You wouldn't keep it as a souvenir?" Carver watched her eyes flick up to his, a quick flash of something slightly unsettling moving in shadow before it was gone again behind the green of her irises.

"I already have a number of souvenirs from that particular day." Her response was short and cryptic.

She settled the artifact down on a nearby barrel and turned her eyes back out to the moonlit water. Carver watched the wind toss her hair about and noted once again just how different she was from anything he'd imagined she would be. She was deadly and beautiful and more than a little bit dangerous… and, if rumor around the ship was to be believed, suddenly available.

"Why did you never mention that you and Lieutenant Howe were involved?" He knew it was dangerous territory. He'd been warned numerous times by the newer recruits among the Wardens that she was exceptionally closed about her private life, but she'd spoken to him more than she had the others already, and he was nothing if not bold with his intentions when he found something he wanted.

"Probably because my private life is none of your business." Elissa's words were harsh, but the tone was neutral enough that they did nothing to scare him away.

"If I were with a woman like you I'd want the whole world to know." Carver tried not to take offense when her response was a trill of laughter and a half-smile in his direction.

"All due respect, Carver, you have no idea what kind of woman I am." She turned, leaning back against the rails of the ship and stretching her long legs out in front of her. The look she leveled in the young warrior's direction was nothing short of a challenge.

"All due respect to you, I think I have a pretty good idea."

"Is that so?" Elissa tilted her head, inspecting him for a moment and crossing her legs at the ankles. "Alright. When you look at me, what do you see?"

"I see an incredibly attractive woman standing alone in the dark." He moved closer to her side, leaning down so that his face was inches from hers and reaching over to tuck a curl of hair behind her ear.

"Beyond that?" She didn't flinch at the contact when he traced his thumb along the edge of her bottom lip, and she watched his pupils dilate slightly at the thought that she might be responsive to his advances.

"Come with me back to my quarters and I'll show you in great detail." He leaned in to kiss her, but she drew back before he could finish.

"You see a pretty face, Carver."

"It isn't just your face…" His eyes drifted down to the opening at the front of her shirt and the swell of her breasts visible where the laces had pulled apart.

"My point is, you see an idealized version of me. You see what you _want_ to see. I'm not some simple, pretty girl. I'm not The Hero of Ferelden." She patted his cheek and turned away from him, eyes out on the dark water again. "It is… _tempting_… to simply go with it; to see myself the way that you believe I am. But the truth is... that isn't me, and in the end it would only harm us both to pretend otherwise."

"Elissa." She turned back to him at the sound of her name, waiting to see what he'd use to convince her now. "I know that you are damaged. I know there is something at war inside you that you don't show to the rest of the world. I know that you only let yourself feel these things, this pain and sorrow that you bottle away, when you think no one else is looking. And I _know_ that if Lieutenant Howe were the right man for you he'd be here standing at your side and trying to take all that away."

"My relationship with Nathaniel is a great deal more complicated than you make it out to be." She was shocked that he'd read that much into her. Carver presented himself as a rather shallow and typical male, and though she'd known some of it was youthful bravado – she'd had no idea how much of his persona was an act.

"It's so complicated that he's sulking in his cabin while you stand out here suffering alone?" Another flash behind her eyes and she turned away from him, making it obvious he'd touched on something sensitive.

"More complicated than you could ever imagine." Her words were sad and distant, and she drew in a long breath to force herself to continue when she felt Carver move in behind her – reaching his hands out to rub at her shoulders. "It was me who pushed him away, Carver. If Nathaniel thought I'd accept it, I have no doubt he'd be here exactly as you think he should. I did this."

"You _need_ someone, Elissa. If it were me – I wouldn't care what you did or said. I'd be here, and I'd fight you if you tried to send me away." He pulled her hair back and leaned in close to her ear, bracing an arm on either side of her against the railing. "If he isn't man enough for the job, I am more than happy to take his place."

"You sound _so_ much like him." Elissa couldn't help but laugh, though the sound Carver made in the back of his throat made it clear he didn't care for the comparison any more than Nathaniel did when she'd pointed it out to him in a previous conversation.

"Say the word and I can show you just how different we are." Her laughter disappeared in a sigh when his fingers traced her skin as he moved her shirt aside and pressed his mouth against her shoulder, and then her neck.

He had no way of knowing just how similar that was to his Lieutenants' first attempts to convince her that Alistair had been the wrong man for her. Neither did he know just how hard she was having to fight to keep herself from giving in and taking him back to his bed.

"I have no doubt that we would both enjoy ourselves." She flinched as his other hand settled at her hip, tracing the edge of her smallclothes and flattening out against her abdomen. "But when you were finished, that's when the poison would set in. Anders is right to call me a black widow, Carver. You think this is what you want, but I'd leave you broken in the aftermath. You should go now before it's too late."

"I'm willing to risk it." His voice was rough and he knew she could feel just how willing he was, but he no longer cared. If this was the cost one paid for a woman like Elissa, then he would absolutely pay it. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Then I have to." She extracted herself from his arms just as his fingers dipped under the edge of her underthings, knowing if she waited any longer she'd be unable to do it at all. Collecting the artifact, she moved back toward her cabin for the night, praying he wouldn't follow. "Goodnight, Carver."

* * *

><p>Nathaniel tried to sleep, but eventually gave up and started to clean his armor. Hours later he'd cleaned every piece of gear he owned, and still found himself no closer to rest. The conduit he shared with Elissa was dreadfully silent, which could only mean she was intentionally shielding herself from him. It made him feel empty and incomplete, and though he doubted he wanted to see whatever it was she was making such an effort to disguise – he went in search of her if only to fill the void with something other than his own fear.<p>

What he saw on the bow of the ship quickly proved how wrong he'd been to go in search of something so foolish. Three days is all it had taken for her to replace him. Three days and she stood with Carver Hawke's hands in all the places he'd claimed they'd been weeks before in the dining hall of Vigil's Keep. It sent him stumbling back to his room fighting back both his fury and his despair and considering going to fish one of the vials Elissa seemed so fond of out of her pack before she returned with her newly acquired companion.

He heard her returning to the room she shared with Isabela sometime later, and knew he should just roll over and feign sleep – but couldn't stop himself from speaking as she passed by his door.

"New recruit tired you out?" He listened to her footsteps stop, then turn back in his direction, padding slowly along until she stood in his doorway.

"The _conversation_ did, yes." She sighed, reading in the look on his face that though she'd suppressed anything that would have communicated through their bond he'd seen something of what had passed between her and Carver on the bow of the ship. "I turned him down, Nathaniel. After a rather long session of defending your honor and listing off the many reasons why I was toxic to anyone – not that you care at this point."

"Your speeches and denials must have been ineffective. Though I'd imagine it was hard for him to focus on anything you were saying with his hand between your thighs."

Elissa stepped into the room then, pressing the door closed behind her and settling the artifact she was carrying down on one of the nearby tables. She walked right to the edge of his bed and lifted up her shirt, tapping her fingers just above the waistline of her underclothes.

"Here. His hand was right here. I stopped him before he got any further, and I have no intention of letting it happen again." She dropped her shirt with a frustrated sigh, tugging fingers through her hair and shaking her head. "I should never have let it happen at all. I don't want Carver. I just wanted to feel _something_… And yes, I realize that's not an excuse…"

"No, it isn't." Nathaniel tried to pretend he hadn't been affected by her demonstration, but the truth was he was both furious and incredibly aroused – and was obviously doing nothing to censor either of them if the subconscious drift of her fingers down the neckline of her shirt was any indication.

It was hardly an effort to reach forward and trace his own fingers up the inside of her thigh, brushing against the mark his father had left on her and settling against the spot he'd just accused the young warrior of having been. She reached her hands out to stabilize herself against his shoulders when he drew her closer to the bed, bracing one knee against the bed as he rubbed against her through the cloth.

"Is this from me, or from him?" He knew how easily he could get her body to react, but needed her assurances that the damp cloth against his fingertips was not something leftover from her time outside of his reach.

"You. It was you outside. It's always you. It always has been." She almost complained when he moved his hand away, thinking he didn't believe her – but when she looked down she realized he was simply moving his pants enough that he could press himself inside of her should she allow him to continue. "We shouldn't do this."

"Then stop me." He pulled her down into his lap, shifting her smallclothes to the side and pressing inside of her – groaning when she settled fully against him.

"I can't." She pressed her mouth to his, biting down on his lip when he tugged at her hair and thrust harder against her.

Minutes, hours, lifetimes later she lay at his side – spent but not sated.

"I should go." She expected an argument, a debate, or at the very least some soulful plea that she remain at his side and allow him to attempt to repair what she'd broken.

"Probably." He wanted to cling to her, to beg her to stay – but he did neither.

She sighed, straightening her clothes as she climbed out of his bed. She paused at the door for a moment, turning back as though she had something else to say – but nothing would come.


	16. Chapter 16: Further Down the Spiral

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ These next few chapters may be slow coming. I've got several directions I can go, and I haven't yet decided on which one I like more :D But worry not, there is much more to come!_

_More edits will be going up for __Star Crossed__ as well, including a three chapter span of completely new content. Check the Addendum for that story if you want updates!_

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my awesome betas _**_artemiskat_**_ and **Snarkoleptic**__!_

_Edit posted 9/22/2012.  
><em>

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Sixteen: Further Down the Spiral<strong>_

Elissa rushed through the list of things that had to be done before they could leave the ship in Highever. Truthfully she wanted nothing more than to run screaming from the port as quickly as possible. Anyone other than Nathaniel would be unlikely to notice or understand the reasons behind her anxiety, and he had not spoken to her since she'd left his quarters several nights ago. Even now he paced near the ship's edge, tossing a disinterested glance in her direction when she decided to approach him.

"A word?" She shouldn't have to ask for permission, but the air between them hung heavy with all the things they hadn't said and she didn't want to test either of their patience in such a public arena.

"As you wish, Commander." His features remained neutral and there was no inflection in his words to indicate he was being anything other than polite in his response, but his choice of words spoke volumes and Elissa fought not to react to them.

"It's just us, Nathaniel. Is the title really necessary when there is no one around to make your point to?"

"What would you have me call you?" He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders as though it was a perfectly logical question to ask.

"Elissa has worked fine for years. I'd assumed it would continue to work going forward." She furrowed her brow and pressed at their connection, her frustration increasing when she felt him actively blocking her from reading anything beyond the blank face he was giving her. "Honestly… Is this how it's to be? We aren't together so we can no longer be friends?"

"If being intimately involved is dangerous, then maintaining any sort of relationship beyond that which we are required by our current positions is likely detrimental to us as well." It was a logic Elissa had often applied in their past, and Nathaniel knew she could not argue with him, so he ignored the flicker of pain behind her eyes and continued. "If this compromise is not acceptable to you, I will gladly resign my position as your second and submit for an official transfer with your next visit to Vigil's Keep."

"No that's… That won't be necessary." Elissa cleared her throat, if he could be cold – then so could she. "If we are going for a clean break here, then I assume you'll be moving your things out of my suite before I return. I'll make sure to send word to Varel that you be allowed to reclaim your previous quarters if someone else has been assigned to them."

"I'd already planned to seek a new room when I returned, else sleep in the barracks until one could be assigned. If you could manage to secure my old room, that would be appreciated." He knew what she was doing; prodding away in an attempt to get a reaction – to get him to drop his guard long enough so that she could reassure herself by knowing what he was actually feeling beyond what he allowed her to see.

"I should also apologize for my behavior several nights ago. It was a slip in a moment of weakness. I can assure you it will not happen again." She waited to see the results of what she felt was a well-placed barb, knowing if anything was likely to make Nathaniel flinch in his charade it was any reference to their sexual encounter as casual.

"No need. It was just sex, nothing more." He watched her face fall when she realized that she wasn't going to win this round, and nearly flinched in response to it. No matter what she pretended, this was no easier for her than it was for him – but when she cleared her throat and reset her features to neutral he knew he had to press ahead on the path he'd chosen. "Are there further instructions or may I take Warden Hawke and get underway? I'd prefer to bunk in Amaranthine for the night. Highever is not friendly to those who bear my name."

"You are dismissed." Elissa shared a parting nod with him, fighting the urge to scream and cry that welled up inside of her when he walked away nothing more than another cold stranger who used to be so much more than just her friend.

* * *

><p>The day was already off to a rocky start. Elissa was moody and everyone could sense it. Even Carver made an effort to avoid her until the company parted ways a few miles away from where they'd made port. The party rode in a heavy silence that was broken only when a blockade of soldiers barred their way forward at the crest of the next hill.<p>

"Andraste's pointed tits, you _really_ have it out for me today, don't you?" Elissa glared up at the sky, addressing what I could only assume to be the Maker, before pasting on the most neutral face she could manage and edging the steed she'd acquired closer to the men in the road.

"You don't write, you don't visit…" An auburn headed man paced out of the pack, coming to stand at Elissa's side with a vexed look on his face. "You dock in my city without warning and disappear without a word. Come on, Lissa. You didn't really think it was going to be that simple, did you?"

"Silly of me, wasn't it." The Hero shook her head and dismounted with a sigh, tethering the horse at her side. "What brings you out today, Fergus?"

"What brings you through Highever?"

The pair glared at one another, both weighing what they wanted to reveal against what they wanted to know. Had the name Fergus _not_ rung a bell with those of us who hadn't yet met the elder Cousland, the resemblance between them was uncanny to the point that he would have been impossible not to recognize. The hair, the pale skin, the eyes... even their mannerisms and speech patterns were one and the same.

"I am on my way to Soldier's Peak to consult with Avernus. Beyond that, it's Warden business, and I will say nothing further." She folded her arms over her chest, glancing in annoyance at the horse when it nudged her shoulder and waiting for her brother to say his peace.

"I came looking for your… _lieutenant_." Fergus passed his eyes over the rest of us, sniffing and scratching at the tip of his nose when he didn't find The Archer among the group. "I hadn't heard back from him with regard to my generous offer in light of his rescue. I'd hoped to get started on any adjustments he required to the land I granted him so that I can move forward with things of greater import within the portions of Ferelden for which I am responsible."

"Nathaniel is on his way to Amaranthine. If you wish to speak to him with regard to any of that, you will have to seek him out there. I have no idea what he's decided to do."

"It's unusual for you not to know his mind." There was a half-smile on her brother's face that he didn't bother to hide when he sensed that there might be trouble between his sister and his former friend. "Lover's quarrel?"

"Really, Fergus? The last time we had a discussion with regard to Nathaniel it came to literal blows! Do you _really_ want to test my patience again?" Elissa took a step forward, paying no mind to her brother's men who armed themselves at her approach. "I am in no mood for your shit today. If you've gotten what it is you came for then please do move your men out of our way so that I can make pace to The Peak before dark."

"Certainly, sister." Fergus chuckled, waving his men to the sides and watching as Elissa flipped back onto her horse and rode through them, calling out just before she made it out of earshot. "It was _delightful_ to see you, as always."

* * *

><p>When we finally arrived at Soldier's Peak, The Hero barely gave the rest of us a second thought, passing us over to Anders, whom she instructed to coordinate rooms for the duration of our stay. Once we'd settled, we collected back in the dining hall and enjoyed a large meal while we waited for her to come back down from her visit to the tower.<p>

When she did, she didn't enter the hall to speak, simply stopped long enough to whisper instructions to one of the castle staff who came to retrieve Anders after she disappeared back into the torch lit shadows of the outside hallway.

Anders made his way to her quarters, more than a little surprised she'd retained the same small room she'd once shared with Alistair instead of taking what had once been Sophia Dryden's room now that those portions of the Peak had been fully excavated. She stood staring out the window, seemingly oblivious to his approach, though he doubted that was anywhere near reality.

"Avernus is available if you should wish to speak with him." As if she'd read his mind she turned to meet his eyes. Beyond exhaustion her current emotional state was unreadable. "I can accompany you if that would make it easier."

"Meaning you can drag me up there if I don't want to go." Anders folded his arms across his chest and glowered in her direction.

"Fine… take Hawke if that's more to your liking." Elissa sighed and dragged her fingers through the loose curls of her hair. "You don't even have to go tonight if you don't want to. We will stay for at least a week, and if during that time you don't see him, then you don't. I didn't bring you here to force this on you, Anders. I brought you here to help. If you still can't see that, then I don't know what else I can do to prove it to you."

She turned back to the window after that and said no more.

* * *

><p>Anders took no one with him to the tower, and was both drained and unsettled when he descended from his meeting hours later. Avernus had been surprisingly understanding and patient with his less than companionable behavior, merely asking questions and flipping through numerous texts in search of answers.<p>

Hours later he had still not reached any sort of solid solution with regard to Anders' unique situation, and requested some time to consult more tomes and try to formulate some sort of concoction that might make the assimilation more symbiotic than parasitic, which it currently seemed to be.

Unable to sleep, Anders took a chance and walked past Elissa's room, finding that her light was on and she was seated in the window seat thumbing through one of the many books that lined her walls. When she didn't look up, he knocked at the archway of her open door.

"You look as though your visit went about as well as mine." She folded the book into her lap, watching as he paced into the room and took a seat in a nearby chair, refusing to share the window seat with her as he might have in the past.

"If by _well_ you mean I've learned absolutely nothing and spent the last few hours sampling various disgusting herbal concoctions and watching your resident loon thumb through books older than he is, then yes, it went swimmingly."

"Avernus always has a plan. I doubt he's given up after only one evening of research." Elissa smiled, attempting to be as reassuring as she could in light of Anders' less than cooperative condition. "We will stay until he reaches a conclusion or until you no longer wish to be here, and if he cannot find a solution I have one more resource to tap – though I'm fairly certain you aren't going to like it any more than you did this one."

"You've got something _worse_ than a doddering, old blood mage in mind?" Anders snorted out a burst of laughter that surprised both of them. "This I've got to hear."

"For anyone else I'd answer no to that question, but for you… I'm not certain." She stood; going to rifle through her pack and retrieve the most recent volume of the journal she carried everywhere she went. "You remember Wynne?"

"That old battle axe from the Circle tower? What sort of insight could she possibly have to offer?"

"That old battle axe has quite a bit more insight than you seem willing to credit her." Elissa smirked, thumbing forward to the last letter she'd received from her old friend. "And, she's been sharing her physical body with a Fade spirit since Uldred's rebellion."

"_What?_" The complete shock that took over Anders' face nearly made Elissa laugh out loud, but she managed to contain herself if only to keep the fragile peace they'd brokered between them at the moment.

"It's true. I've seen it in action a number of times. In fact, I doubt I'd be here talking to you if it weren't for her bond with it creating a reserve of healing magic capable of mending my leg in Denerim." She waited for him to accept what she told him to be true.

"How did it happen?" It was hard not to be skeptical. Before Justice, Anders hadn't even known such spirits to exist; so to accept that he was not the only mage in his condition was even harder to swallow.

"I don't know the full details, but from what I can gather Wynne died back in Kinloch Hold. It was her bond with Faith that kept her alive then – and, from what she tells me, it is what continues to keep her alive now." Elissa paced as she thought, attempting to formulate her thoughts in a way that would be the most logical and least likely to insight Justice. "I don't know what makes her bond so different from yours. It could be that Faith has no desire to seek an agenda of her own. It could be that Wynne does not allow it. It could simply be that Faith and Justice are very different entities at their core. We won't know until we speak with Wynne."

"Do you honestly believe that she would help me even if she could?" Anders folded his arms across his chest, unconvinced. "She isn't the most forgiving woman in the world."

"I believe that Wynne would never leave another mage in this condition if she can do something to help, and I believe that if we are to find someone who has intimate knowledge of what it is you're actually going through… we aren't going to do much better." She sat back down across from him. "What has happened to you isn't your fault, nor do I fully place the blame on Justice."

"So you _do_ lie some of the blame at his feet?" Elissa watched the brief flash of blue at the edges of his skin and knew her next words must be chosen delicately.

"I believe he took advantage of you at a time when you could not be trusted to think rationally, and that is difficult for me to ignore. That having been said, I also believe that he underestimated how hard it would be to separate himself from everything that comes along with being human, and how hard it would be for either of you to control those impulses with a divided mind. I think he suffers as much in this bond as you do, though he is unlikely to interpret it in the same way as you or I do."

Elissa watched the blue light fading as Anders found his feet and strolled back to her door. The discussion had ended for the evening, but she had no doubt there would be more to come before this was over.

* * *

><p>The walls of Soldier's Peak became more and more like a cell to The Hero the longer we stayed within them. She spent most of her time hunting with The Wolf's kinsmen or sparring in the training yard, but with the other primary outlet for her frustration miles away at Vigil's Keep, she soon became more like a caged beast than a human being.<p>

When Hawke found her she was severing the head of yet another training dummy out in the sparring ring, kicking the post loose in frustration and bringing in another with which to replace it.

"If you promise not to lop off my head, I can offer you a much better combatant than the straw-man."

She turned to glance at him as she settled the post of the new dummy into the ground. "I've been lit afire by you more than enough when we _weren't_ sparring. I think I'll pass."

"I'll leave the staff behind." Hawke dropped it down against a nearby stack of crates, popping open the clasps on his robe to drape it there as well.

"Is it to be fisticuffs then?"

Elissa chuckled, watching Hawke stroll over to the nearby equipment rack and retrieve a broadsword for himself – inspecting the edge before taking a few practice swings to get used to the weight in his hand.

"Am I to believe you actually know how to use that thing?" She cocked an eyebrow at him, watching his smile expand at her not so subtle innuendo.

"I was a swordsman long before I ever wielded fire." He moved in her direction, taking up a defensive stance. "I might be a bit rusty, and I'm nowhere near as good as my brother with a blade, but I think you'll find I'm capable of seeing to your current needs just fine."

"We shall see." Elissa smiled, dashing forward to take two long swipes with her blades – both of which Hawke easily dodged. He moved in behind her afterward and smacked the flat of his sword against her behind.

Hawke expected she would immediately lash out at him. The Hero wasn't known for her patience and she'd been especially temperamental since parting ways with The Archer at Highever Port. She surprised them both with a trill of laughter, shaking off her over-shirt and flexing her arms for a moment before settling back into a battle stance.

The pair sparred for about an hour, each managing to gain and then lose ground, until finally The Hero's stamina outlasted what Hawke could muster when swinging a blade around.

"I'm willing to call it a draw." Hawke panted, sliding his blade back into a rack from which he'd taken it.

"I can accept that." Elissa laughed, sheathing her swords with a smile. "You got the drop on me a couple of times, and that doesn't happen. For that, I think I can buy you dinner."

"I'm not sure that escorting me to the mess in a Warden establishment counts as buying me dinner."

"The Wardens don't know Soldier's Peak is functional." She winked at him when he showed surprise. "I reclaimed it during The Blight and used it as a safe haven. When I was… _gifted_… Vigil's Keep, I saw no reason not to keep this to myself. So, all that you see here is funded directly by me."

"In that case, lead on." Hawke shook his head, wondering which of them was more full of secrets, and fell in beside her on the way to the kitchen.

* * *

><p>They waited in the kitchen for a long list of dishes to be prepared, including several that The Hero had requested on Hawke's behalf. When they were loaded down with plates and several bottles of wine, she led them not to the dining hall but back to her own personal quarters – tugging a table over to the couch near the hearth and spreading all of their food and drink out across it.<p>

The conversation as they made their way through the food was surprisingly comfortable, and though neither of them shared anything too revealing, they exchanged enough of their pasts to finally feel as though they had moved into the direction of a proper friendship.

"Oh, no…" Elissa shook her head, putting down the last bottle of wine within reach of Hawke's spot on the couch and pacing over to the hearth to toss another log in the fire. "We never let him cook again after that. Oghren has made some _foul_ concoctions, but his never turned grey. You could look at Alistair's food and become ill."

"It's hilarious to think that our king once poisoned his companions with poorly made gruel." Hawke rolled in laughter again, picking up the bottle and drinking more himself.

"Never intentionally… well, he _might_ have considered poisoning Morrigan once or twice, but I doubt he actually went through with it. He was quite terrified that she'd turn him into a toad when he wasn't paying attention." She smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear as she stood. "It's a good thing that cooking skill isn't required to run a kingdom properly."

Hawke watched as she stretched, the motion revealing a curl of her tattoo that arched around her hip. He couldn't be sure if it was the wine or the hour, or even the simple fact that for the first time since meeting her The Hero actually seemed like a normal human being, but something pushed his mouth further than it probably should have gone.

"How far does that ink work of yours go?" He smirked at her around the lip of the bottle as he took another drink, fully expecting a peak of temper and a possible ejection from her room, but she did neither.

Instead she stood slowly and tugged the sleeveless top she'd been wearing since the sparring yard over her head, tossing it casually to the bed before pushing her pants down her legs and tossing them over as well.

"Does that answer your question?" She smiled as she paced in his direction, and he watched the firelight play off the bronze inks that had been needled into her skin.

"A great deal better than I'd assumed it would be answered." Hawke settled his hands at her hips when she sat herself down on his lap, attempting not to immediately put them in any of the places he really wanted to at the moment.

When it became obvious that Hawke seemed to have lost the ability to move, Elissa reached forward and started to work at the laces of his shirt, smiling a bit at his sudden reluctance.

"I'm surprised at you." She laughed, tugging the hem of his shirt out of his pants and running her hands underneath it. "All this time you've been tossing your best lines at me and now here I sit nearly naked in your lap and… nothing."

"Half of me expects that I'm merely dreaming this and I'll wake up quite frustrated at any moment." He smiled when she laughed again, and obliged her with a quick flex of his arms so that she could tug his shirt over his head. "The other half of me is certain that if I _do_ touch you in some way... and I can pretty much guarantee it will be inappropriate... you'll cut off my hands."

"Not tonight." She leaned down, holding his eyes for a moment before pressing her lips against his.

There was another span of moments when Hawke simply couldn't bring himself to react, but then his hands were in her hair and he was kissing her back, easily given over to the hypnotic movement of her hands against his skin. There was desperation in her kisses, a frantic need that he could almost taste – and when her hands found the front of his trousers – it broke him from the fog.

"I can't believe I'm about to do this." Hawke pulled away from her, shaking his head and watching the smile fade from her face when she realized what he was about to do. "But I'm going to have to decline this offer."

"Really?" Elissa's eyebrow arched in challenge and she reached back to release her breast band, dropping it slowly to the floor.

"Oh sweet Maker. Isabela wasn't lying." Hawke dropped his head back against the couch, pressing his eyes shut against the temptation. "It's official. I'm absolutely being punished for something."

"Not at the moment, but I might be convinced to entertain special requests." She chuckled when he could not suppress his body's reaction to that particular statement, relaxing back against the arm of the couch when he scrambled out from under her.

"Elissa, you are an incredible woman, and I have very much enjoyed every aspect of this evening, but-" He tugged his shirt over his head.

"Wait! You're _really_ going to leave?" She was up off the couch then, frustrated and more than a little embarrassed. Not once had she ever been rejected in the years between her first experience and this her most recent. To have it finally come at the hands of Morgan Hawke, who was a notorious womanizer, was more than she could stand.

"I think I have to. I don't want to… I _really_ don't want to."

"Then don't. It's simple. We're both adults… there is no reason we can't-"

"There are a million reasons, unfortunately, not the least of which is I'm well aware that what you're asking for has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the rather angry Archer you sent to Amaranthine." Hawke flinched at the string of curses that poured out of her mouth as she went to retrieve and sling on her own shirt.

"This has _nothing_ to do with Nathaniel." Every bit of the sexual tension in her body had been rapidly replaced with fury and Elissa could feel her temper raging to the point of no return.

"You are hurting and lonely and I won't pretend to understand the reasons behind why you chose to end your relationship – but I can't pretend this would be good for either of us. We've only just stopped wanting to kill one another…"

"Oh, I want to kill you, trust me."

"I'll risk it." He took a couple of steps forward, tugging her forward to plant a quick kiss against her forehead before he headed to the door.


	17. Chapter 17: A Striking Match and A Powde

**_Disclaimer_**_: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

**_A/N:_**_ Muse Music: __Love This Pain__ by Lady Antebellum._

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my wonderful beta _**_artemiskat_**_ and **Snarkoleptic**__!_

_Another *new* chapter is up in Star Crossed for any who are following the revisions there :D_

_Edit 9/22/2012.  
><em>

_Happy Reading!_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Seventeen: A Striking Match and A Powder Keg<strong>_

It was the last place Anders ever expected to find himself standing again, though it was disturbingly similar to the way that he and The Hero had started their severely dysfunctional relationship nearly a year ago. She'd locked herself in her room following the embarrassing fallout of her poorly timed flirtations with Hawke, and after several days with no sign of her but the bellowed requests for more bottles of alcohol she gave to the Peak's staff, the decision was made that someone needed to attempt to get her to come out again – a decision that was made _without_ Anders' input or approval.

"Isabela's already tried as have I, and Hawke is pretty sure since he's the one that put her in the room, he's the last person who should attempt to get her out again." I'd given The Mage my most logical pitch, hoping it would get past his _conscience_ and into the part of him that still remembered the two had once been – at the very least – close friends. "I tend to agree with him… so…"

"So, that leaves me." He'd muttered several things under his breath afterward, but headed down the hallway toward her room regardless, and stood – much the same as he did now – silently outside her door contemplating what he was going to say.

He nearly jumped away from the door when he heard her pacing inside, the slow pad of her feet followed by the unmistakable sound of an unlocking door before she moved back to wherever she'd come from.

"How long have you known I was out there?" Anders cautiously entered the room, attempting to ignore the vast expanses of her skin exposed by the well-worn nightshirt she'd favored as long as he'd known her.

"You're a Warden, Anders, and one I've slept with at that. I know where you are even when I have no desire to." She flopped back on the bed, snatching up one of the many bottles scattered among the blankets and taking a long pull from what was left inside it. "I figured if it was urgent enough to have _you_ of all people pacing about outside my door, I might as well let you in and have it out so I can go back to wallowing in my own self-loathing in peace."

"Well, it's obvious I shouldn't try reasoning with you…" It was muttered under his breath, and the moment he saw the look on her face in response to it he immediately regretted not having better censored his thoughts.

"I'm _actually_ a great deal more reasonable than I'm given credit for being. I simply have an exceptionally low tolerance for annoyances and idiocy… speaking of which…" She folded her arms over her chest and lowered a glare in his direction that made it clear that he was near to wearing out his welcome. "If you came here to say something then say it and be gone."

"I remember when we used to communicate with jokes and heavy flirtation." Anders snorted, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. "And look at us now, poorly veiled threats and insults… how far we've come."

"I can try flirtation if that's what you'd prefer." Elissa trailed her fingertip lazily up and down the long neck of the bottle and smirked in his direction. "Though I doubt your demon would let you play along, even if you desired to do so of your own free-will."

"You don't want me any more now than you did the last time we made that mistake." He shook off his initial physical reaction to her teasing and stifled the chastising voice of Justice now ranting away in the back of his mind. "You're filling a void, Elissa… with me, with Hawke, with alcohol. None of which is going to make you feel any better."

"Well then." She sniffed and wiped arrogantly at the tip of her nose. "Please _do_ enlighten me. You've obviously got me all figured out."

"Nathaniel, Elissa. It's Nathaniel. It's always _been_ Nathaniel."

"Riiiight. You've come here to preach to me on the virtues of Nathaniel." Her laughter was cold and she picked the bottle up once again, rolling her eyes and turning away from him. "You hate him. You've _always_ hated him. I doubt my apparent suffering has altered that emotion."

"Can't argue with you there, but regardless how I feel about Howe, it's obvious he stabilizes you in a way that no one else can." He paced over to the window, watching her back shudder when she laughed in response to his statement. "Look at yourself, Elissa. I have no idea what your reasons were for sending him packing this go round - undoubtedly they were justified in your mind at the time - but you cannot seem to function without him. As much as it pains me to admit this, you need him as much as Thedas needs you. I'd suggest you put this silly attempt to drown yourself in poorly fermented mountain wine in the past and make haste to Amaranthine to repair whatever it is that's gone awry."

"Gone awry… Hmm… do you really want to know how _awry_ it's gone this time?" She rolled toward him then, a malicious curl to her lip that answered that question for him even before he thought to ponder it with his own mind.

"I doubt any detail is necessary. I get the gist of it."

"No, no… you wanted to have this discussion so let's have it. When last we lay together we very nearly killed one another at the height of our passion. Honestly, orgasm is all that saved us. His hands were at my throat and I very nearly opened his veins beyond repair with my nails…" Elissa flexed out her fingers, staring at the dark red curls at the end. "_Talons_ is probably a better word at this point. I keep them short so there are no accidents, but that clearly isn't working. I had to stitch him up afterward. He wouldn't come to you. Would rather bear the scars of my handiwork than admit to you what it is we _really_ do behind closed doors."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't enjoy telling me that nearly as much as you did and remain focused on getting you sober and out of bed." Anders clenched his jaw and fought Justice back to submission. "Despite what it was that got you there, my recommendation remains the same. Go to The Keep and _talk_ to him—"

"_Talk_ to him? Talk…" She was laughing as she got up from the bed, flipping off the leather cuffs she'd taken to wearing around her wrists and stomping in his direction. "I'm a monster, Anders, just like you said I was – and now it's infecting him. I can't be trusted, and he can't be trusted when he's with me. There are no words in any language that can fix this."

Anders inspected the newly exposed skin at her wrist, tracing his fingers across and remembering how smooth it had been when last he touched her. Now it was reptilian, and if he looked closely enough he could see the shimmer of the new scale like texture it had taken on. Before he could react, she drew a small blade from the windowsill and drew it directly across.

"Elissa! Wait—" Nothing happened. Not a scratch. Nothing.

"Do you still think we can talk it out?" She laughed, dropping the blade back to the window and pacing away from him as she replaced the cuffs.

"You knew this sort of thing had to happen eventually… you _both_ did. You've been changing since I met you. Don't tell me either of you were surprised."

"Nathaniel doesn't know about all of it. No one does."

"I can toss a lot of labels on Howe, but stupid and unobservant aren't among them." The bark of Anders' laughter was sharp and ironic as he followed along behind her. "He _knows,_ Elissa. He knows and likely doesn't care."

"Well he _should_ care! Not caring nearly got him killed… so now I have to care for the both of us!" She was close to breaking. Humiliation, anger, sorrow… everything muddled together and pressing in on her so hard she felt she might suffocate.

"Go to Amaranthine and _talk_ to him." He watched her shake her head and attempt to pace away again, but this time he would be heard. He reached out and grabbed her arm, spinning her back in his direction with a flash of blue energy he had to fight to control. "I can't fix this, Elissa. I wish that I could. I wish that I was the one that you needed, Maker curse me but I do – still… unfortunately I'm not. It's Nathaniel. It's always been Nathaniel."

"I never thought you would be the one telling me to go back." Elissa smiled, though it was broken.

"I never thought I would believe it the right thing to do, but it is. As dangerous as you feel it is to be together, I can tell you it's just as dangerous for you to be apart – maybe more so." He watched her sigh and walk away, dragging long fingers through the tangled curls of her hair. "Who cares what Flemeth said? Weren't you the one who told us we make our own destiny? Was that all rubbish intended to make us more willing to follow orders or do you actually believe it?"

"I used to believe…" she trailed off, falling limp against the bed and remembering how she'd felt when Nathaniel opened his eyes after very nearly dying by her hand in a Denerim basement. "I don't know anymore."

"And you won't, until you go and make an honest effort to see this through. If you still decide it's better to be apart, so be it – I won't make a plea on his behalf again, but you owe this to yourself." Anders held her eyes when she glanced up at him, though he wanted to look away – to walk away and consider his part done. "Maybe you can't be happy, not like he wants, not like you wanted in your youth… but maybe there is something else. Something in between. Something new. Go and find it."

She stood up and closed the distance between them, and for a moment Anders was afraid, and let the electric energy that Justice offered flare up on reflex – but the way she touched his cheek was soft and full of empathy, silencing the beast within him.

No more was said. She simply disappeared behind her privacy screen and poured water for a bath as he made his way back out the door.

* * *

><p>Elissa could sense Nathaniel as soon as she hit port in Amaranthine, but the sensation did not bring comfort to her as it had in the past. She could read nothing of his emotions save the one small pulse of anxiety or possibly surprise before he masked everything else beyond her ability to expose it.<p>

Seeing Vigil's Keep again did nothing to help her mood. Once as close to home as she suspected she was likely to find, now it seemed foreign and even critical of her arrival, almost as though it had sensed what she'd done and sided with its former son. To be fair, regardless of her post and what Alistair had gifted her, The Keep belonged to Nathaniel and it seemed the stone remembered this even if he did not.

She briefly considered heading into her suite, but recalled her instructions that Nathaniel should vacate them before she returned and couldn't bring herself to walk in and see all the things she'd grown accustomed to now missing. Instead, she tugged her pack back up on her shoulder and headed down to the cliffs, content to watch the sunset alone rather than face what she'd done.

* * *

><p>Nathaniel felt Elissa arrive just as she'd found his pulse on the shore. How could he not sense it? They were bound together by the choices they'd made regardless how he might feel about it now.<p>

Though he knew she'd returned, he refused to go to her – not on her terms – not this time. He continued the routine of his day; training, correspondence, the day to day tasks he'd assumed in her absence. He took his evening meal in the company of his friends, attempting to ignore the emotions he felt prickling at the edge of his mind; emotions she was doing nothing to hide. He wanted to believe it was because she meant to come clean this time, but he knew too well how she used emotion to manipulate the world around her. He would not fall for it again.

The sun set, and still he saw no sign of her, and no mention was made by any of the Wardens she'd call friend with regard to her return. He started to worry. In spite of everything the night was no place to be alone, even for her.

When he reached the cliffs the pack and pile of randomly discarded clothing and armor revealed that she'd come there just as he assumed she would. Clearly she was in the waters below, likely assuming he would follow, and in the past he would have without reservation. Tonight he sat down on the stone where he'd first held her and waited for her to decide to come to him. If she did, maybe there was hope after all.

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><p>If she was honest with herself, Elissa was not surprised when Nathaniel remained at the top of the cliffs rather than joining her down in the water. She did not expect this was going to be easy. He had every right to be angry, and she deserved every bit of the fire he was likely to make her walk through in an effort to regain even a portion of his affection. Still it prodded her temper, her patience worn thin by weeks of stress and alcohol. She took her time in the water, willing herself to have the tolerance she would require to make it through what was certain to be an unpleasant reunion.<p>

"I was beginning to think you planned to spend the night in the water." Nathaniel's tone was neutral, giving nothing away of what he was feeling at seeing her climb the rocks toward him, bare of everything save her breast band and smallclothes and dripping the salty waters of the Waking Sea.

"I had considered it." Elissa picked up the blanket she'd draped over a nearby rock and used it to blot off the majority of the water that ran down her skin. "But I doubt my poor pruned fingers and toes would ever have recovered."

He watched her dry off, tossing the blanket back to the rock when she was satisfied with the progress she'd made, though her thick ringlets continually dripped water that coated her skin anew.

"So, do you want to start or shall I?" She paced the edge of the rocks, glancing briefly in his direction before turning her eyes back to the sea.

"I have nothing left to say. You made it clear what you wanted and didn't want from me, and I did as I was told. As I am concerned, we are done." He folded his hands in his lap and waited.

"I knew this would be a mistake." Elissa barked cold laughter, pressing her fingers into her hips and pacing back toward the rock to rifle through her pack.

"Clearly." Nathaniel laughed himself, feeling foolish to have believed for a moment that anything had changed and turning to head back to The Keep for the evening.

"Wait… that's not… That's not what I meant to say." She watched him continue to walk away, a sudden desperation pushing her to speak though she knew he would hear it in the tone of her voice. She had no time to hide it. "Nathaniel, _wait_!"

"Whatever you came to say I suggest you say it." He turned back and she could read the frustration in his voice. "I'm exhausted by these games you play and I find I have little tolerance for anything remotely resembling your usual attempts to manipulate me to suit your needs."

"I will not argue that I didn't deserve that." Elissa nodded, waiting for him to sit and listen to her again. "But I did come here to apologize and with the hope that perhaps there is something left between us to be salvaged."

"You've apologized before. We've salvaged this before. It never matters. It never sticks. We always end up back in the same place… I don't see the point in going back there again."

"Then it's truly over." She folded her arms around herself, suddenly chilly in the hard wind off the sea.

"I think so." He felt the strong pulse of heartache she couldn't hide and forced himself to strengthen his resolve and not falter in the face of it. "We can't keep doing this, Elissa. Tearing each other down and trying to put it back together with sex and false promises. The only way to fix this is to start over."

"And how would you suggest we do that?" Elissa laughed, wiping away the tears that had started to fall as she turned in his direction. "I can't very well turn back time. We are who we are, Nathaniel. This is all there is."

"That's precisely my point." Nathaniel stood, pacing closer to her but offering no physical comfort. "We are who we are, but I don't think either of us has been willing to see that before this moment."

"As little as you desire my manipulations, I desire your riddles even less." She was cross, folding her arms in frustration and glaring at him. "Speak plainly or let me go. I have no desire to attempt to find meaning when there may be none."

"I knew you once, and you knew me – probably better than anyone else in the world. But we got lost and we changed and we hid so much of ourselves behind lies and illusion it was impossible to gain any ground." He watched her relaxing as she started to understand his meaning. "I was desperate to believe the girl I'd fallen so in love with still lived somewhere inside of you, but she's long dead – just like you told me – as is the young man you promised yourself to back on the rampart walls years ago."

"Then what's to be done? If the people we knew and loved are dead and gone, what reason could we possibly have to start over?"

"Love, Elissa. It's pulled me to you from the beginning, and that hasn't changed. I still love you… or I want to, I just don't know who you are anymore."

"And how do you suggest we remedy that?" Elissa paced closer to him, her frustration peaking once again. "Do you have a list of questions somewhere you'd have me answer? Should I develop a quiz of my own?"

"Nothing so formal." Nathaniel laughed in spite of himself, the irony of all of this not lost in the melodrama. "I just want the chance to know the woman you are now, and to offer you the same chance to know me as I stand before you. No illusion, no lies, no filters – if we do this it's all or nothing. We hold nothing back."

"And should I accept your terms?"

"You make this sound like a negotiation."

"Isn't it?"

"I suppose…" He paced past her, picking up the blanket off the stone and wrapping it around her body, being careful never to touch her skin with his own. "For starters, you should get dressed and settled back into your room. Then, if you're up for it, perhaps I could meet you for a late dinner and we can attempt to have a conversation that doesn't involve insults and arguments."

"You want to court me?" She nearly laughed aloud at the absurdity of it, but the half-smile on his face proved she was right. "You are absolutely mad, Nathaniel Howe. Truly, you've finally gone round the bend."

"That's likely true, but I hold that this is the _only_ way we're ever going to navigate the treacherous waters between you and me. The only way we're ever going to know if we still belong together or if we need to cut our loses and walk away once and for all." Nathaniel paced away from her again, picking up her pack and turning to allow privacy for her to dress. "Besides which, we never had the opportunity to do this before. That was one of many things taken from us I for one would like to reclaim."

"This is absurd." Elissa tossed the blanket aside, shaking her head that he would grant her privacy when he'd seen every inch of her body in ways no other could imagine. "Absolutely… _fine_. Fine I'll do it."

"You make it sound like a punishment. Is it so awful to be treated as a lady for a change? Is it so terrible that I have an interest in you beyond the press of one body against another?"

"I have not been a _lady_ for some time, Nathaniel. Of that you are well aware." She paced past him in irritation, tugging the laces of her pants tight and reaching for her pack to stow the armor she hadn't put back on.

"You have _always_ been a lady, Elissa – you simply don't behave as one." He ignored the snort of bemused laughter, allowing a small smile that she'd allowed him to go this far without asserting her own will and leaving his wishes behind.

"I should hope that my willingness to go along with this lunacy regardless of my reservations has earned me some small amount of your favor." Elissa tried to appear cross, but she knew that Nathaniel could read her far better than anything a mere expression could hide.

"You never lost my favor." A brief whisper at her ear and the near brush of his lips against her skin caused her to stumble on a root, bumbling about until he stilled her against his body, sending a rush of nervous laughter through the both of them from the jolt of physical contact.

"Lieutenant!" Jowan's voice was frantic as he plowed through the tree line in their direction, dragging a haggard looking Theron along behind him. "The Commander is back. I thought it best that I give you fair warning."

"Jowan…" Theron attempted to get his attention, having met Elissa's eyes with a nod and acknowledged the very person his lover attempted to bring news of had already been found.

"Not now!" Jowan continued to avert his eyes, knowing that the activities that usually brought Nathaniel out to the cliffs weren't meant for him to see. In the past they'd included The Commander, but as that was no longer the case – he had no wish to see the fall out should she come to discover whomever it was he'd brought along in her absence. "Begging your pardon, I realize it's none of my business – and I honestly don't care whose companionship you see out… but if she were to see…"

"_Jowan_!" Theron yelled, yanking at his arm to get his attention.

"_What?_" Jowan was frustrated now, and didn't understand why Theron could possibly want to interfere with delivering this message. He'd agreed when they'd found her horse in the stables that Nathaniel should be given the news.

"He's _with_ The Commander."

Elissa tried not to laugh when Jowan looked in her direction, his pale skin coloring red in embarrassment.

"Ah, then no warning required." The mage cleared his throat and turned to move back through the trees, with Theron's laughter trailing along behind him.

"Anything you want to tell me?" Elissa smiled, stepping away from Nathaniel and following along the path behind the mages.

"Many things," Nathaniel replied cryptically, laughing when the look on her face said that was not the answer she'd been looking for. "But none of them involve my taking unsuspecting young ladies out to the cliffs while you've been gone."

She smiled; shaking her head and still thinking he was mad for suggesting it – but somehow feeling the most hopeful she had in a very long time. Whatever trials he planned to lay out ahead of her, she would suffer them. She had no choice.


	18. Chapter 18: Fear of Becoming

_**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N: **Apologies for another lengthy break between chapters! Real life events (new baby) will slow updates a bit as I adjust to a new schedule.  
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_Muse Music: Breathe You In by Thousand Foot Krutch._

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my lovely beta ladies **artemiskat** and **Snarkoleptic**.  
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_Happy Reading!  
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_-Frayed One  
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><p><em><strong>Chapter Eighteen: Fear of Becoming<strong>_

Carver Hawke had never considered himself to be obsessive about anything; in fact for most of his life he'd been ridiculously lax about pretty much every aspect of his existence. Why bother to put in any effort when he'd simply be eclipsed by his older brother in the end? It seemed nothing more than a waste of time and energy.

And then… he met Elissa Cousland.

The Hero of Ferelden was a legend; one he, his brother, and even his sister Bethany had studied with great enthusiasm. She was one of them. She'd suffered and struggled and risen above it all. Her story was myth and one he'd certainly never expected to come closer to than one would get to a statue or a painting or the pages of a history book.

That she'd given him any attention at all had motivated him to hone his skills and focus harder on improving his swordsmanship than ever before. That she'd very nearly returned his affections following her fallout with his lieutenant motivated him to work on other things he'd never paid even the slightest attention to in the past. He spent hours in the library rooms of The Keep reading Warden histories and memorizing details he thought might be of use in future conversations. He kept himself, his armor, weapons and clothing in pristine condition. He started to eat better and drink less.

When he overheard Jowan mention to Theron that she'd returned from Kirkwall, he knew it was now or never. There had been enough chatter among the other Wardens for Carver to know that Lieutenant Howe held little hope there would be reconciliation between them this time around. He also knew that several of Nathaniel's archers had already orchestrated ploys to gain his affections for themselves now that The Commander appeared to be out of the picture. Still, it was important that everything be perfect. If he was going to do this, he had to go all the way.

He traded the last hour of the day's guard duty with another of Oghren's newest batch of warriors, promising no less than two rotations in the larder cleaning up after the massive dinners required to feed such a large collection of Warden appetites. He needed the time to wash away the sweat from a day of training and hunting, and to settle his nerves enough to say what he wanted to say when he finally got Elissa alone.

He was making his way to her suite when he heard her laughter, slowing his pace at the familiar rumble of his Lieutenant's voice and pressing back against the wall so that he could watch them without being seen.

Elissa's hair was damp and loose, and it boiled at his blood when The Archer reached out to push a curl of it behind her ear while dodging her attempts to tug him further into her doorway. They parted a few minutes later, her eyes following his retreat down the hall until she could no longer see him in the minimal light before disappearing into her room with a smile.

* * *

><p>"It must be true what they say." Carver didn't knock. Her study door was open when he'd returned from walking off his temper, so he simply went inside. "Absence does make the heart grow fonder."<p>

"Please, Carver, _do_ come in." Elissa sighed and looked up from the piles of paperwork on her desk, wanting nothing to do with whatever it was that had the young warrior stirred up. But, seeing as he'd barged into her office study and planted himself in front of her desk, it seemed she had no choice. "Have a seat. Tell me what's on your mind."

"Does the _we're no good for each other, we've got to stay apart_ routine ever actually stick with you two, or is it just something you do to keep your sex life from getting stale?"

"I've told you, my relationship with Nathaniel is complicated." Elissa rubbed at her face with her hands, now absolutely certain she wanted nothing to do with this conversation. "I've _also_ told you it's none of your business."

"It _became_ my business when you allowed me to believe there was something between us on the bow of Isabela's ship." Carver was angry and didn't care what she thought with regard to his accusations.

"Carver…" She sighed, attempting to suppress the rise of her temper though she could feel it happening. "I should never have allowed what occurred between us to happen. It was foolish of me, and I apologize. If my poor choices gave you the impression that you and I were anything more than—"

"What? _Friends?_" He snorted, leaning forward across the desk until he was nearly brushing against her nose with his. "You can dodge and attempt to explain it away with words as much as you like, Commander. Maybe it's nothing more than chemistry, but you wanted me just as much as I wanted you then – and you want me just as much now. That isn't going to go away simply because you've decided to go back to whatever it is you think you have with that traitor Howe's son."

"You should stop speaking now." Her eyes flashed and she watched him swallow when he realized how far he'd pushed her. "I have admitted my part in this error, but I will not sit here and allow you to speak to me as though you know _anything_ about my past or Nathaniel's. I suggest you go sleep off this fit of yours before I'm forced to punish this behavior the way that I would with any other Warden who decided to barge into my study and speak to me in this fashion."

He laughed, very nearly calling her bluff, but eventually turned to leave the room. When he was gone, Elissa leaned back in her chair and released the breath she'd been holding.

"Come on out, Nathaniel." Her eyes darted over to the shadows in the doorway between the study and the bedroom to watch him emerge from the darkness and stroll to stand beside her chair. "If you have something to say, just say it."

"What could I possibly have to say about that?" He was nearly smiling when he offered his hand to help her stand. "I warned you not to tempt fate with him, but you did it anyway. He's got a right to be angry."

"I won't argue that point, though I'll thank you not to be so amused by it." Elissa pursed her lips as he threaded her hand in at his elbow and led her down the hall to his room. "Where are you taking me?"

"I had the kitchen staff put together a late dinner just as I mentioned I would. I thought we might sit and talk for a while, and as I have it set up in my room… I'm taking you there." He opened the door, waiting for her to walk inside before closing it behind them. It wasn't lost on her that he didn't flip the latch as he most certainly would have in the past.

True to his word, Nathaniel had set up a table full of food next to the hearth, and though she hadn't been hungry in the moments before, now that she could smell it she found herself absolutely ravenous. She squeezed his arm and made her way to the couch, curling into a corner and tugging one of the plates into her lap.

"Did anything interesting happen while I was away?" Elissa mumbled the words around a mouthful of food, accepting the glass of wine that Nathaniel poured her before settling himself down on the couch at her side.

"Nothing in particular, and nothing that isn't in the report I left on that disaster you call a desk." He laughed when she narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm very good at being a Warden, Elissa… as are you. Discipline within our profession has never been our problem, and I didn't bring you here to talk about work."

"What is it you want to talk about then, Nathaniel?" She put the plate back down on the table with a thud, grabbing the wine glass and leaning back against the armrest. "You're going to have to give me some direction here or I'll just keep doing it wrong."

"It isn't something you can do wrong, Elissa." Nathaniel chuckled, reaching over to tug her legs into his lap. "Just tell me a story."

"Once upon a time there was a _very_ obnoxious man…" Elissa stopped when he cleared his throat, returning the smile he couldn't help but show in response to her sarcastic humor. "A story about what? I know many stories, most of which you've already heard in one fashion or another."

"Tell me something I _don't_ know." He rolled his eyes when her blank look said she still didn't follow what he was asking for. "Tell me how you became a Warden."

"I was conscripted. You know that." Her body tensed at even the passing mention of that night.

"You _know_ what I'm asking you." Nathaniel arched an eyebrow and squeezed at her foot.

"And _you_ know I don't like to talk about it." Elissa relaxed slightly when he put his fingers to work kneading out the tension in her calf muscles.

"I do, and I think that's part of the problem. The things we don't talk about, the things we hide." He watched her turn her eyes away toward the fire as she chewed at her bottom lip; torn between meeting his request and locking it all away in silence as she had in the past. "I know everything that happened before your letters stopped, and I know all that has happened since I showed up in Amaranthine… it's the in between that's missing, for me and for you. That's where the disconnect lies."

"I don't see how talking about any of that is going to help our situation."

"I don't see how continuing _not_ to talk about it is going to do anything but fester into an even worse wound than we're already attempting to treat." She turned her eyes back to him, and he could see how much she didn't want to do it. "It won't be any easier for me than it will be for you, but we _have _to do this. We have to be able to love one another, scars and all. We have to be able to know all the dirty little secrets, all the things we'd rather not see or speak of, and still care. We can't keep hiding and avoiding forever… pretending it never happened. No matter how much we want to ignore it, it remains true."

"Nathaniel…" She sighed, rubbing at her forehead wearily. "Fine. If this is what you want, then I'll do the best I can. Where would you like me to start?"

"You said you were conscripted? I can't imagine your father simply _allowing_ such a thing to happen." Nathaniel watched her visibly recoil at the thought of her father and the night it had all gone wrong.

"Duncan didn't come there to conscript me, though he did admit he considered me to be the strongest candidate when asked directly." Elissa flinched as the memories flooded in, but Nathaniel held her eyes with a calm meant to assure her that no matter what she said, he was ready to accept it. "He was actually there for Rory."

"Really?" Nathaniel smiled, thinking back on how jealous he'd been of the young man that was such a fixture at Elissa's side. "I can't imagine your father would have been to happy to lose him either."

"I'm sure he wasn't, but he wouldn't have stopped him from going if that's what he'd chosen to do. Rory was undecided when we spoke about it, asked if I'd been recruited as well. I think his decision may have hinged on whether or not Father allowed me to go – though it shouldn't have." She was far away for a moment, remembering having to clean out the larder when Gladius had torn through it hunting forest rats with Nan ranting at them from just outside the door. "He'd have been stuck there forever waiting for me… Father had already decided to march off to war with Fergus and leave me behind to tend the castle."

"I'm glad Rory wasn't a Warden." He turned to watch her eyes narrow in response to that comment, realizing how it sounded too late. "I'm not happy he's _dead_, Elissa. Don't look at me that way. I only mean that if he'd survived and joined the Wardens _with_ you, I doubt it would have been Alistair warming your bed when I returned."

"Don't hold back, Nathaniel. Tell me how you really feel." Elissa pursed her lips and folded her arms across her chest.

"Rory Gilmore was in love with you and you know it. Under those circumstances, all rank removed – on equal ground… it wouldn't have taken long for him to finally admit it to you." Years later and some of the old jealousy still remained, though the man was long dead and he believed Elissa when she told him nothing had ever happened between them.

"I know how Rory felt. I always knew… but our relationship was never like that. He was a good friend, a _very_ good friend, and I miss him dearly – but even had he survived, I could never have cared for him the way he wanted me to." Her face fell and she reached over to finish off the wine glass before filling it again. "Believe it or not, I was loyal to you for a very long time even after I believed you'd moved on."

"So you're saying the women didn't count?" He chuckled, smiling at her when she kicked him in the hip with the foot he wasn't rubbing.

"That wasn't the same. I mean, I guess it was… but it _wasn't_. I know it's illogical, but it works in my head. There were things I _didn't_ do because in my heart I couldn't bear to do them without you… though you... you were long gone to me by then." Elissa rolled her eyes, drinking again before putting the glass back on the table.

"If the Warden-Commander came there for Rory, why didn't he leave with Rory?" Nathaniel knew better than to push that topic any further at the moment, and honestly had no desire to discuss either the women she had chosen to take to her bed or the man she finally moved past him with.

"He never got the chance." Her eyes grew distant again, though she still looked in his direction, and he knew she was attempting to choose her words carefully. "Duncan intended to meet with Rory the day after he arrived, but your father laid siege to the castle during the night. By the time morning came, Rory was dead at the gates attempting to give Mother and I a chance to escape."

"So he conscripted you as a replacement?" He tried to draw her back out of the nightmare, to give her something to focus on other than whatever horrors she'd gone back to in the darkness of that moment.

"In a way, though I doubt he saw it in that fashion. He made a deal with Father. He'd get Mother and I out if I joined the Wardens. I refused at first, but Father wouldn't hear of it." She scratched at her nose, reaching again for the glass on the table but hesitating to drink it. "Then Mother wouldn't go. She... she refused to leave Father. They just sent me off with this… _stranger_… and of course I fought him the whole way out. Kicking and screaming. I wanted to go back, but Duncan wouldn't let me."

"You couldn't have done anything if you did. You'd have died there along with them." This part of the story he knew and understood. Regret, despair, the constant thought that maybe things might have been different if only you'd been there to change them.

"I know that now, but it didn't change things at the time. When we got to the end of the escape tunnels under the larder, I remember Duncan slamming me hard enough against the wall to crack my skull and holding my mouth shut until I listened to reason." She thought back to that night, to the angry flash of the former Warden-Commander's eyes. Alistair only remembered his benevolence, but she'd seen his fury. She wondered now if it wasn't just something that happened to a Warden over time. "Your father's men were everywhere searching for survivors. I could hear… screaming, or I thought I could, even that far outside the castle walls. In my mind it was Rory or Nan or… Mother."

"She fought, you know? Held them off for a good long while." Nathaniel saw the question in her eyes even before she asked it. "I overhead some of Father's men talking when I went to Highever in an attempt to find you. At first I thought they were speaking of you."

"What did they say?" Elissa swallowed, not sure if she really wanted to know. She'd heard enough from the patrols she'd come across during The Blight to assume it wasn't going to be pleasant.

"Just that the Lady Cousland had cut down several soldiers before they managed to pin her down. They went into great detail about having…" He trailed off, not knowing whether to say the words.

"Say it. I've always suspected as much. I know what his men did to Oriana, and your father told me some things himself, though I imagine some of that was boast meant to incite my temper." She remembered Rendon's descriptions of what he'd forced from her mother before finally claiming her life.

"I'm fairly certain she was raped by at least one of them. I didn't hear the rest; it kind of disappeared behind the rage I was feeling at the time. I thought they were talking about you." He swallowed when she reached over to squeeze his hand for a moment. "I nearly took the man's head off when I got to him later. The thought of them…"

"It never happened." Elissa leaned up, reaching out to touch his face. "They never touched me."

"I know that now, but I didn't then." Nathaniel cleared his throat, fighting the urge to simply react to her touch, as he would have in the past and noting when she recognized it and pulled away. "I spent most of the night trying to find proof that you were gone. I couldn't believe it. I just felt like I'd know if you were really dead, like something would speak to me somehow..."

"When I ran from Highever I barely took anything. The armor I could find on the floor, Father's sword and my dagger. A shield and a bow… and your ring." She laughed, but it was sad and distant. "I don't even remember picking it up. I saw it when I was leaning over the river trying to wash Father's blood off. I remember thinking 'I am going to kill your father, Nate, and you are never going to forgive me.'"

"It wasn't easy, but I did."

"Did you?" Elissa arched her eyebrow at him. "Did you really, or did you simply stop thinking about it much the same as I did? I honestly don't think you ever forgave me, Nathaniel. I don't think you ever really acknowledged what it was I did."

"Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I've no more forgiven you for that than you've forgiven me for being a Howe." He saw the flinch before she could conceal it, more truth in that than the words that would follow.

"What's to forgive about that?" She denied it, finishing off the second glass of wine and pouring a third as she dodged the topic.

"You tell me. You avoid saying my last name, and whenever you do it's more a curse than anything. And sometimes when you look at me…" He leaned forward, forcing her to listen.

"Sometimes when I look at you I see your father, and your brother, and I want so very much to hate you. Is _that_ what you want to hear?" Elissa's eyes flashed when she slammed the wine bottle down to the table and turned back toward him. "I _hate_ your name. I hate it. I wish it weren't who you are. I wish it weren't in your blood. There it is, the ugly truth. I hate you just as much as I love you."

She wasn't prepared when he pulled her into his arms, pressing his mouth against hers and maintaining the pressure until she yielded beneath his lips and parted her own.

"That is the first completely honest emotion you have given me in a very long time. Brutal yes, but all truth – nothing hidden or censored." They were both breathless when he finally pulled away, and she stared at him wide eyed in a way that made him have to try very hard not to laugh.

"I tell you I hate you and it makes you want to kiss me?" She shook her head, tracing his lips with her thumb. "You are a very odd man."

"I kissed you because you admitted it. I've known it for a long time, but you said it out loud instead of denying it and hiding it away as though it will simply vanish over time. So yes… I kissed you." He leaned in again, allowing himself to be pulled against her body when she lay back on the couch and enjoying the feel of her legs wrapping around his hips. He could feel her fingers working to untuck his shirt a few minutes later, and extracted himself from her grasp. "I think that's enough for tonight."

"Enough what, enough talking?" Elissa laughed, following him back across the couch and crawling into his lap. "I'm fine with that, we don't have to talk anymore."

"Elissa… we can't do this. If I take you to bed now, we will be right back where we started."

"You're serious?" She scoffed when he held her at arms length, her mind flashing back to that horrible night with Hawke before she crawled off his lap huffing in irritation and straightening her clothes as she stood. She turned to the door muttering under her breath.

"Don't be angry." He followed her to the door. "It's the right thing to do, and you know it."

"What I _know_ is you got me all stressed out and liquored up and then kissed me like _that_, and now you're sending me off to bed so turned on I can barely think straight. If you expected me not to be angry, you could have chosen not to do any one of those things and you'd have had a much better shot at it."

"You think this is easy for me?" Nathaniel laughed when she glared at him. "Believe me, it's not. I'd like nothing more than to have you pressed back against my mattress with your ankles by your ears."

"You are _not_ helping." She shoved him away and yanked open his door, stomping down the hall in frustration and trying to ignore his laughter as he closed the door behind her.


	19. Chapter 19: Under the Spell

_**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** Another long break. Managing a toddler and a newborn is quite a juggling act! :)  
><em>

_Muse Music: Mercy by Duffy.  
><em>

_Thanks to my readers, reviewers and followers and to my wonderful beta **artemiskat**.  
><em>

_Happy Reading!  
><em>

_-Frayed One  
><em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Nineteen: Under the Spell<strong>_

"With Thomas it was different." Nathaniel watched as Elissa launched another arrow down the archery course. They'd been out since dawn and she didn't seem to be getting any better, or any more patient.

"How was it different?" She nocked another arrow, slinging it down the course with barely a thought to the path it might be taking. "I killed him, just like I killed Rendon. I fail to see why it is easier for you to accept."

"I was there, Elissa. I know how it ended." He showed no reaction when she turned her eyes away from her next shot and narrowed them in his direction. "But I _saw_ what he did to you, experienced what he did to me. I knew what he had planned for us had you not ended it. With Father…"

"You _still_ don't believe it?" Elissa swung in his direction, pointing bow and arrow toward the ground. "Everything you've heard, everything you've witnessed with regard to the destruction left even now - _years_ after I put him in the ground - and you still have a doubt in your mind that he deserved it?"

"It isn't that. Obviously I know enough at this point to be certain that Father was not the man I believed him to be." Nathaniel weathered her temper the same as he always had, though he was content to do so now that she seemed willing to discuss the things they'd always glossed over in the past – or at least she was _attempting_ to be. "It's more that I wasn't given the chance to make sense of it before I was forced to watch him dying on a pile of garbage in a Denerim basement."

"Would you rather it was me who bled out in your arms? Because that's what it came down to, Nathaniel. It was me or him… it was very nearly both of us." She turned back to the course, sending another arrow well off its mark.

"That isn't what I'm saying, and you know it." He folded his arms and watched her worry with the bridge of her nose. It was a gesture he'd learned long ago indicated just how high her frustration level was building.

* * *

><p><em>"Why Father? I've already told you I aim to wield a blade not a bow." Elissa folded her arms across her chest and glared at Nathaniel where he stood just behind her father and brother in the courtyard.<em>

"_Learning to use all weapons available to you will benefit you some day dear girl, and Nathaniel is one of the most gifted young archers in the kingdom. I see no reason why you shouldn't avail yourself of his knowledge while he's visiting." Bryce Cousland patted his daughter on the head, taking his eldest son along to train with the guard for the day and leaving Elissa in the capable hands of the eldest Howe child._

"_Archery isn't so bad, you know?" Nathaniel tried not to flinch when she tossed an irritated glare in his direction before snatching up the bow and quiver her father had left behind and stomping off in the direction of the training yard._

"_Easy for you to say, _you're_ an archer. I'm a swordswoman. I have no need for a bow... or lessons from you." Elissa had been fascinated with Nathaniel from the moment she'd laid eyes on him, but he'd pushed her away at every turn. It had created an unpleasant atmosphere between them; an atmosphere amplified by both their tempers from time to time._

"_I didn't ask for this either, Elissa." He pushed out a puff of air, lengthening his strides to keep up with her pace. "But since neither of us are in a position to say no to your father, it appears we're stuck together for the day. The least you can do is attempt to control your temper. We haven't even started yet!"_

"_If you want me to control my temper then stop talking! Every time you open your mouth I want to…" She trailed off as they reached the archery range, dropping the quiver and bow to the ground and rubbing at the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Nevermind… let's just get this over with." _

* * *

><p>"Why are we doing this?" Elissa dropped the bow to her side when the next six shots also failed to hit the target. "I'm a miserable archer, Nathaniel. That's what I've got you for – and Varric if you're worried while I'm in Kirkwall."<p>

"We're doing this because you _aren't_ a miserable archer, you're simply out of practice." Nathaniel chuckled, moving in behind her and adjusting her stance. He listened to the hitch in her breath every time he brushed her body with his hands, and felt his own heart rate increase itself to pace with hers when he stood behind her and lined up her shot for himself.

"If this is how you train your recruits, it's no wonder they're all smitten with you." She tried to keep her voice neutral, though she knew he could hear the slightly breathy air it had taken on just as well as she could.

"I can assure you, this is _not_ the way I train my recruits." He laughed, smiling against her ear and feeling the shiver that ran down her spine when the rumble of his voice echoed into her body.

"That would explain the looks I've been getting all morning." Elissa glanced from the corner of her eye up to the ramparts where several of Nathaniel's female recruits stood watching them. "If they could kill me just by staring I think I'd be charred to cinder by now."

"You're imagining things."

"You're ignoring them."

The shot they released together struck directly in the center of the farthest target.

"See. You just needed practice." Nathaniel smirked and stepped away from her, immediately regretting having put himself that close in the first place. It was difficult to resist crossing the boundaries he'd established even when he wasn't dealing with the press of her body against his or the smell of her hair still damp from her morning bathwater.

"And you to hold my hand apparently. I'd never have made that shot on my own." She tucked a curl behind her ear and paced closer to him; anxious to close the distance he'd opened after being so close moments before.

"Given enough time-"

"Given enough time…" Elissa chuckled and shook her head; leaning forward to tap his chest. "Given enough time I'd still miss the broad side of a barn."

"You shot that stag right out from under me…" He cleared his throat when she slid her arms around his neck.

"One lucky shot a lifetime ago." She could sense how torn he was, whether he should allow her to pull him closer or walk away.

"It wasn't lucky."

"It was lucky enough to get your attention." Elissa caught the smile he tried to hide with that comment and moved in for the kill, tracing her finger along the curve of his bottom lip.

"You are every bit the vixen you were the last time I attempted to court you properly." Nathaniel smiled, darting away from her attempt to kiss him much the way she responded to his advances years before somewhere on the very grounds where they now stood.

"And you are every bit that same, stubborn chevalier when you have no need to be." Elissa sighed when she realized no matter what she did, he was going to continue to elude her advances. "Alright. Point taken… though if I'm to be given no reward for my troubles then I think I'm done with this torture for the moment."

"I never said you wouldn't get a reward." He attempted not to smile at the roll of her eyes as he kept pace beside her on the way back toward the main halls of the Keep. "How about I meet you down in the sparring ring before dinner?"

"How about you meet me in my room?" She knew what his answer to that would be, and she knew they'd be back down in the sparring ring working out their frustrations just as they had been nearly every night since she'd returned two weeks before. "No need to respond… sparring ring it is."

Nathaniel smiled as he diverted his strides away from hers, watching the sway of her hips and hoping he'd have the patience to wait until their usual meeting time to seek her out.

* * *

><p>"I don't get why you guys come out here every day to watch this." Carver shook his head and folded his arms across his chest, glaring down toward the sparring ring where Elissa and Nathaniel were already midway through their usual evening routine.<p>

"Because it is… stimulating." Zevran tossed him a wink, setting the rest of the observers into chuckles of agreement.

"Stimulating like a laxative is stimulating maybe." Carver wasn't impressed. Rumor around the Keep was that the pair had yet to re-consummate their relationship, but what they called sparring was only a few layers of clothing away from being just that.

"He's right. It's hot." Sigrun giggled, tossing a wink over toward The Assassin.

Everyone in The Keep was aware of the relationship between that odd couple, so Carver turned toward the mages for support. "Come on? Isn't there anyone rational in this group?"

Theron shrugged and shook his head.

"I feel dirty just for watching." Jowan admitted, flushing when the counter Elissa failed to predict left her pinned to the wall at the tip of Nathaniel's blade for a few moments – a few moments she drew out far longer than they needed to last. "But I can't deny watching the two of them spar gets the blood running."

"You've all gone off in the head." Carver stood up, dusting himself off.

"Only reason yeh've got yer smallclothes in a bunch is yeh don't have no one ridin' the ol' prancin' pony for yeh." Oghren winked in Carver's direction, pushing his temper right to the breaking point and sending the young warrior stomping off toward his room in search of solitude.

* * *

><p>Carver was angry, mostly because Oghren was right. Watching Elissa with Nathaniel was bad enough, but that was amplified by the added insult that though everyone else had someone to vent their frustrations with – he had no one.<p>

He tossed the closest object he could find against the far wall where it smashed into a satisfying spray of glass and wood, but that did nothing to soothe his temper. He was about to throw several other items from his desk and cabinet when a knock at his door drew his attention.

"_What_?!" Carver yanked the door open with the assumption that Sigrun or Jowan had been sent to settle him down but was surprised to find one of Nathaniel's young archers standing on the other side of it.

"May I come in?" She stood patiently waiting for admittance, olive eyes subtly scanning the damage he'd done to his room through the spray of short, red hair that had come loose from her braid.

"I have nothing to talk about, Kalli." He attempted to shut the door but she braced against it with the palm of her hand.

"If you let me in, I think I can change your mind…" The smile she offered him was enough to get his attention. She was a beautiful woman, even if her attitude did make her hard to tolerate, and she knew enough from manipulating the men outside of the Denerim alienage to know how to have that attitude overlooked if she so desired.

Eventually Carver stepped to the side and let her in, missing the victorious smile on her face when she sauntered past him and allowed him to shut the door.


	20. Chapter 20: Waking Up the Dark

_**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** Corrected a naming error from last chapter with this one. I mixed some things up from my notes to the final file and somehow managed to switch the elf mage's name with the city elf's name I meant to use. It has now been fixed. Sorry for the long delay. Hope it was worth the wait!  
><em>

_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my wonderful and patient beta **artemiskat**.  
><em>

_Happy Reading!  
><em>

_-Frayed One  
><em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Twenty: Waking Up the Dark<strong>_

Carver stared at the ceiling of his room and attempted to slow his breathing in the aftermath of his latest questionable decision. He'd done it again – called out the name of someone _other_ than the woman who lay in the bed beside him.

"It isn't a big deal, Carver." She'd rolled up on an elbow to look at him, irritated when he still refused to turn in her direction.

"It's a big deal to me."

"You're acting as though you don't know why we started doing this." She laughed, sharp and short, pushing the blankets off and hopping up out of his bed to retrieve her clothes. "Don't think for a second I'm not imagining _you're_ someone else. I just seem to be able to manage not to say his name out loud every time I have an orgasm."

"It's not as though I'm _trying_ to do it!" Carver finally sat up; glaring across the room at the bare, tanned back of the elf he'd been venting his frustrations with for the past three weeks. Like most elves she was slender with very subtle curves – attractive, but in no way comparable or confusable with the woman whose name he always managed to cry out just before they were done.

"I'm not offended." She tugged the straw-straight strands of her hair back into her usual braid and sat back down on the edge of his bed. "I assumed you'd be imagining her from the moment we entered into this... partnership. I even try to feed your illusion a bit from time to time…"

"I _never_ asked you to do that." His temper flared a bit at the suggestion that she'd been pressured into anything, that she'd done anything other than orchestrate every move they made from the moment he allowed her to step into his room.

"I am aware." She chuckled, reaching over to run her fingers through the hair at his temples. "Wouldn't hurt you to reciprocate from time to time though…"

"What do you expect me to do, Kalli? Grow my hair out? Learn to use a bow?" Carver snatched her hand away glaring at the false smile on her face. "What we're doing is twisted enough without my completely changing whom I am to feed your obsession. If I were going to do such a thing it certainly wouldn't be for your benefit, and she would never ask me."

"Fine!" The smile faded, and she was once again the same vindictive woman Carver knew lurked beneath the surface of whatever she was choosing to show him at the moment. "But don't pretend I'm the only one with an obsession. You were just as willing to go down this path as I was in the beginning, though I am starting to doubt your commitment to our cause."

She wasn't exaggerating. When Kallian Tabris had shown up in his doorway with the suggestion that they work together both to separate the objects of their affection and to vent their mutual frustrations – he'd been more than willing to sign on. But Elissa was difficult to pin down, having made a concerted effort not to send him any questionable signals since he'd thrown his fit in her study – and the longer he listened to Kalli, the more he began to question her sanity and wonder just how far she was willing to go to ensure that Nathaniel let go of his feelings for their commander and turned to her for consolation.

"I can't force Elissa to have feelings for me. I'm doing everything I can but-"

"You aren't trying hard enough." Her dwindling patience was evident in the tone of her voice as she stomped over to his door. "Work harder."

She was gone after that, slamming the door behind her and leaving Carver to think about just how big a mistake this had probably been.

* * *

><p>"I could really use the extra practice." Kallian painted on her sweetest smile and tried to look as alluring as possible.<p>

It was the third time in a week she'd attempted to get Nathaniel to stay behind after running through his training regimen with his full squad of Wardens. She was beginning to lose patience with his constant refusals to offer her the same attention he was more than willing to give the Warden-Commander when the woman couldn't be bothered to give archery the attention it deserved.

"Your technique is flawless, Warden Tabris—"

"It's Kalli." She corrected him again and tried to keep the irritation out of her voice though she could feel her jaw clenching.

"Right… Kalli." He cleared his throat, shouldering his bow with the half-smile she'd learned meant he was already somewhere else and no longer really listening to their conversation. "You are easily the most talented archer in our arsenal. There is nothing I can show you that you do not already know. If it is practice you require, any of the other archers would be glad to stay if you asked them to do it."

"I don't think any of them can offer me the advantages that training with someone with your talents can offer—" She smiled again and fluttered her eyelashes, something that had always worked in the past. Something that continued to work with Carver.

"Warden Ta—"

"_Kalli_."

"Kalli…" Nathaniel sighed and ran his fingers through his hair thoughtfully. "I have a meeting scheduled with the Seneschal I can't miss, and then I have dinner plans – however, I will schedule an extra training session for later in the week. Several of the other archers have mentioned the desire to work with moving targets so perhaps a hunt or something of the sort. I'll think on it… but for now, I have to go."

Kallian nodded, unable to do much else in response. Nathaniel was notorious for being courteous with meeting times and deadlines so she knew attempting to delay him from his meeting was pointless, as was deterring his dinner plans – no doubt with the Warden-Commander as had become their routine. She was so irritated that she didn't notice the sound of someone else entering the range a few moments after he'd disappeared.

"If you're waiting for him to acknowledge what you're offering him, it's never going to happen."

Kalli turned, sucking in a quick breath of surprise and attempting to settle her nerves when the voice turned out to belong to none other than the Warden-Commander herself. "I beg your pardon?"

"Nathaniel." Elissa smiled, attempting not to laugh at the other woman's attempt to deflect her words by pretending she didn't understand the insinuation. "He doesn't do well with indirect. He's far too much of a gentleman to assume anything, regardless of how much he might read into your behavior or the words you've chosen. If you're expecting anything out of him with regard to your obvious affection for him, you're going to have to say it straight out."

"I'm sorry…" Kallian laughed out loud, shoving the last of her things into her pack and attempting to avoid the other woman's eyes. "Are you honestly advising me on how to make a pass at the man every soul in Thedas knows is your lover?"

"I think we both know you intend to _continue_ making passes at Nathaniel with or without my advice." Elissa chuckled, realizing from the slight flinch in the other woman's posture that it had come across as quite a bit more menacing than she might have intended. "It was simply a bit of helpful advice, one woman to another. Take it or leave it as you will."

"What's your angle?" The younger woman watched as the Warden-Commander slowed her paces out of the archery range and turned back to meet her eyes. "I was under the impression the two of you were attempting to rekindle your fractured romance. Why would you offer to help me when I could potentially stand in the way of that?"

"Our relationship is… _complicated_." Elissa sighed, knowing that word didn't even begin to explain the ins and outs of a bond so powerful… and twisted… it was more than either of them could manage from time to time. "It's true we are working to repair something we have both damaged, and I would not relish losing him to another… but he deserves to know without a doubt what his options are. If he chose to pursue a relationship with you… if you could make him happy… I would not stand in the way of that. Nathaniel deserves to be happy, with or without my involvement."

"That's an incredibly rational way of looking at things." Kallian narrowed her eyes as the older woman paced by, the subtle hint of a smile curving up the edge of her mouth.

"I can be rational from time to time." Elissa paused once again at the edge of the target nearest the rear exit to the range turning back to hold the other woman's eyes once again. "Though I suspect it is easier for me to be rational about this subject because I've learned over our years together that no matter how hard Nathaniel and I might try to walk away from one another, we will always return in the end."

"This time could be different." The younger woman tilted up her chin, her temper flaring with the suggestion that should she manage to attract Nathaniel, he would only leave her when all was said and done.

"It's entirely possible." Elissa nodded, offering the elf a smile she hoped appeared as genuine as she intended before turning to leave the range. "I wish you luck."

Kalli watched her leave, her hatred for the Warden-Commander burning even hotter now that they'd had an actual conversation. She couldn't understand what Nathaniel saw in her, or Carver, or any of them for that matter. After a few more moments of contemplation she shouldered her bow and went off to be more direct in the pursuit of her desires. If that didn't work, she had one last trick up her sleeve.

* * *

><p>"This is <em>not<em> a romantic getaway, Carver." The tone in Elissa's voice was enough to keep Nathaniel outside the door to her study, though she'd clearly left it open in anticipation of his usual prompt arrival to retrieve her for dinner. "I received a missive from your brother an—"

"Why does _everyone_ always go dashing off when Hawke snaps his fingers?" Carver glared at her from where he'd braced himself against the edge of the desk between them.

"You of all people know better than to accuse me of that." She shook her head, hoping to suppress enough of her rapidly flaring temper to make it through the rest of this conversation.

"_Really?_" Carver's eyes narrowed as he focused his energy on reading as much truth as anyone could ever glimpse through the constant obfuscation Elissa wafted around herself like clouds of perfume. "Then why haven't you mentioned him – even once – since you returned from Kirkwall? Nothing, not a word, until now?"

"You don't like to talk about your brother, Carver, I know—"

"Bullshit!"

"Carver…" She could hear the tension creeping into her words though she continued to maintain a solid guise of calm knowing losing her temper would only escalate the situation further.

"Something happened between you, didn't it?" He'd been furious to find her attempting to repair her fractured relationship with Nathaniel, but he was visibly shaking at the thought that something had evolved between her and his estranged older brother when she'd all but rejected his own affections.

"Carver…" Elissa ran her fingers through her hair; the curls already loose from their usual restraints, knowing just the repetition of his name had answered his question.

"I _knew_ it!" He slammed his fists against her desk and paced away, turning back in her direction a few seconds later with an arrogant half-smile painted over his fury. "Does Nathaniel know?"

"Yes." Carver snorted and paced away again, forcing Elissa to attempt to reason with his back instead of reading his eyes in the manner she preferred to negotiate. "I have no intention of discussing this further with yo—"

"And I have no intention of returning to Kirkwall with you at my brother's request!" He slammed his fist against the door; so anxious to leave he didn't notice the slight hint of motion in his periphery as Nathaniel shifted himself out of his line of sight.

"This is not a request, Carver! It's an order. You _will_ be ready to leave the day after tomorrow or Maker help me I will drag your ass to the docks even if I have to render you unconscious and hog-tie you to the back of my horse to do so!" She was standing herself by then, pounding her fists against the wood grain of Rendon's heavy desk with each syllable, falling back in frustration against the chair only when Carver silently stomped out of her room.

Nathaniel stepped inside when he was certain Carver had gone for good, closing the door behind him softly enough that it wouldn't snap Elissa's head up from her desk where she was currently dropping it – repeatedly – against the wood, the motion hard enough that it made an audible thud in the silence of the room.

"The subterfuge is unnecessary, Nathaniel." She lifted her head far enough to brace it against her hands and flicked her frustrated gaze in his direction. "I can track the taint in your blood even if I couldn't sense you otherwise."

"You don't think you were a _bit_ hard on him?" He smirked as he settled into the chair across the desk from her, folding his fingers together and leaning back in the chair.

"A bit _hard_… a bit…" Her eyes narrowed before she realized he was simply attempting to get under her skin, forcing her to relax her temper slightly. "I _think_ Carver and another of the Wardens I can think of off the top of my head seem to think they can disobey my orders at their discretion. Being bludgeoned and tied to a horse seems a mild punishment in response to mutiny, don't you think?"

"Just to prove you wrong, I'm not even going to argue when you tell me I'm required at The Keep and thus cannot accompany you to do whatever it is Hawke has requested back in the Free Marches."

"You would pick the one time I have no intention of leaving you behind to decide to willingly abide by my instructions should I have chosen otherwise." She dropped one hand to flip absently at some papers on her desk, unsure how he would react to that news in light of the process of repair, which they were still undergoing.

"You want me to go with you?" He arched an eyebrow in response to her obvious discomfort and leaned against the desk, reaching over to still her hand in the warmth of his own. "Can I ask why?"

"Morgan has recently been targeted by a group of Carta dwarves in search of something they're calling the Blood of the Hawke. Varric was able to track them back to a chasm somewhere in the Vimark Mountains, but even his sources couldn't give him much else in the way of information." Elissa looked everywhere but directly at Nathaniel, knowing that he'd read everything she was attempting to hide with words in her eyes should she allow him to look there. "In light of the obvious connection to his family name, he has requested Carver accompany them to investigate and if I'm right about where they're headed, then the Wardens should have a look at this place for themselves."

"Wouldn't you and Carver qualify as 'the Wardens'? I'm still not sure why you're breaking your own rule and asking that I come along…" Nathaniel knew _exactly_ why, he simply wanted – no, _needed_ her to say it.

"You are a horrible man, Nathaniel Howe – not allowing a woman to hide behind her own words for even a moment." She surprised herself when his last name rolled off her tongue with none of the usual venom so often tied into her decisions to say it aloud. "But you're right… none of those are reasons that I should bring you along. The truth is, I'm not ready t-to… I'm not ready to leave you. I'm afraid that if I do while so much is still…"

"I love you, Elissa." He reached forward to touch her face, tilting her chin up gently so that she'd meet his eyes. "I know that you love me, scars and all. That isn't going to undo itself simply because we're forced by our duty to be apart for a time."

"I know that we've made progress… but I know we aren't where you want for us to be. If we were I expect you'd have spent the night with me by now." She pursed her lips at his soft chuckle. "Tell me I'm wrong."

"You are right that I think we still have more work to do before I will truly feel that we've managed to give ourselves a stable foundation on which to build." Nathaniel watched the subtle flash of hurt behind her eyes – though she had predicted he would say exactly what he had only moments before. Still, she did not pull away from his touch – a reassuring change in her behavior from what would have most certainly have dissolved into an argument months before. "But that isn't why I've been reluctant to rekindle our physical relationship."

"Then why..?" Her mind was racing with those words, struggling to find a reason that he would keep her at arms length if it wasn't his focus on their emotional struggles holding him back.

Was he still frightened of her? Was he worried that she'd been unfaithful? She'd come clean about her failed attempt to connect with Morgan in the hopes that it would continue to build the trust between them, but it could have made him doubt her more… Had he decided to take another to his bed? Perhaps the lovely, young archer she'd encouraged earlier that morning.

"Stop it."

Elissa's eyes flicked back up to catch Nathaniel's at the tone in his voice and he squeezed softly at her jaw.

"Stop what?"

"Whatever it is you're thinking." He traced his thumb along her lower lip slowly, feeling the reaction to the subtle gesture echo from her blood into his own. "I want things to be different this time."

"Different?" She shook her head, still not following what it was he was trying to relay to her.

"When we lay together for the first time, it wasn't what I expected." He watched her eyes flood with questions once again as he stood to pace, and attempted to choose his words carefully so that he didn't tread even more on the fragile foundation they'd managed to build over the past months together. "It was… great – actually it was more than great, it was easily the best sex I'd ever had up to that point… but it wasn't what I wanted our first time together to be like. It was frantic and fast and driven more by anger and our inability to resist something that had drawn us together practically our entire lives for any longer. Physically I have enjoyed every time we've ever been together, but I love you, Elissa. I want to make love to you. This time I want to do it right."

It startled him when she snapped his eyes open with the pressure of her palms against his cheeks. He'd never even heard her get up from the desk much less walk across the room to where she now stood in front of him. "The first time we lay together you _did_ make love to me. In fact, that is literally all there was to it."

For a moment he drew a blank, his eyes telegraphing the confusion he felt to Elissa, but she said nothing in response. She simply waited for him to understand what she meant.

"You consider what happened in The Fade to be our first time?" She'd been so angry afterward it had never occurred to him that she'd considered what happened between them there to be anything other than a colossal mistake. Even now, months into this new courtship, they had yet to broach the topic of that particular subject.

"Don't you?" She shrugged and paced away a bit, tucking a curl behind her ear and fidgeting with the papers on her desk once again. "I knew you were no demon because I could feel what you were feeling. I could see it in your eyes. There were a lot of things coursing through both of us – confusion, pain, fear, anger – but underneath it all there was love. Overwhelmingly. I think it's why I was angry about it for so long… our bodies weren't involved, sure, but what we did in there – it was making love. I lied to everyone… to you, to Alistair, to myself… I lied when I said otherwise."

"You've only ever made me feel as though you regretted that." He closed the distance between them, awed for a moment that she'd divested herself of so large a truth completely unprompted.

"I know. One of many things for which I'm certain I owe you an apology." She had more to say but it was lost when he kissed her.

He'd done so many times since they began this experiment, but nothing near as passionate as the one he'd given her when she'd admitted a part of her hated him – and nothing near what they'd once given to each other before this most recent separation. Not until now. Now it was a _real_ kiss. Not the kind that would bring her to her knees the way their farewell kiss on the ramparts had years ago, nor the tentative explorations of their very first kisses in her bedroom the day before. There was passion to be sure – but it was tender and soft and full of more emotion than she could begin to unravel. When he finally pulled away her pulse pounded furiously in response to the look in his eyes and her skin tingled in anticipation of what she was absolutely certain he was finally going to say.

"Want to hit the sparring range?" He wanted to flip her up in his arms and charge through the door between the neutral space of her study and into her bedroom, but he could feel her anticipation of exactly that pounding in his blood. But it still wasn't right. If he did this they'd be right back where they started. So he offered the one thing he could in exchange.

"I think I'll pass." She chuckled as she let her face fall against his chest for a moment with a soft thud before separating herself to pace back over and continue to process the mountain of correspondence on her desktop. "Don't worry, I'm not upset. I daresay I even understand your reasoning at this point, so… even though I don't agree with it, I will continue to play by these ridiculous rules of yours. I simply cannot subject myself to another evening of being worked into a sexual frenzy at the tip of your blades only to be sent to bed alone – not if I'm to make it through Maker only knows how long stuck in the mountains with a gaggle of strapping men."

"Strapping me—"

"It's Varric..." Elissa sighed dramatically, fanning herself with a half-read letter from some minor Lord requesting extra seed rations with which to plant this year's harvest. "All that chest hair really gets me going… and have you _seen_ the way he handles that crossbow?"

"Funny." Nathaniel smiled, able to treat her infuriating commentary as the jest it was intended and not to take it to heart, as he would likely have in the past. "How about I bring up a bottle of wine from the cellar and some dinner and we talk… platonically… until you decide you're ready to turn in for the evening?"

"Nothing we have done or will _ever_ do is completely platonic." Elissa smiled, dropping the letter back down into the never dwindling pile. "But yes, I think I can accept your offer."

He nodded, heading back out the door and down to the kitchens to gather enough food and wine to satisfy them both while she sought out Jowan to conjure her a quick tub of warm water with which she could wash away the day's stresses.

* * *

><p>Dinner was fantastic; relaxed and genuinely companionable – something neither of them had allowed themselves to feel completely for a very long time. Nathaniel watched as Elissa told another story, unbidden, from her travels during The Blight. A tale involving Flemeth's daughter, no less – someone she rarely ever spoke about.<p>

The moonlight danced through the flame-colored curls of her hair and the simple home spun trousers and blouse she'd chosen made it hard not to see some of the girl she had been in the woman she was regardless of how hard they'd both worked to separate who they were from who they'd become. She was beautiful and it was all Nathaniel could do to respect her earlier request and not kiss her once again.

"I saw her once before." Nathaniel interrupted her story, attempting to refocus his thoughts on something _other_ than the creamy hint of skin peeking through the open ties at the top of her blouse or the way the wine had stained her lips even darker than they normally would have been; enticing him all the more to do the things he wasn't yet quite ready to do.

"Who, Morrigan?" Elissa looked genuinely confused. She couldn't register in her memory a time when Nathaniel could have possibly come across the witch in their travels.

"The bard." He attempted not to follow the motion with his eyes when she fidgeted with the tendril of hair that had slipped from behind her shoulder and fallen against her neck as she wondered whether or not he meant the brief glimpse he'd gotten at Montford's soiree.

"Leliana? I'll assume you mean _before_ I sent her fleeing from Prosper's balcony."

"It was during The Blight." He'd expected a reaction from her, but she bolted up from her relaxed position on the couch looking far more anxious than he'd expected she would, considering she'd known how long he'd been in Ferelden for some time.

"Lothering…" She reached for the wine bottle with a faint smile, refilling her glass as her mind went back to that long ago moment and how out of control she'd felt in the wake of it with the knowledge that she'd likely never see him again.

"How did you..?"

"I heard your voice… or thought I did. When I turned back the man I'd passed wasn't you. I practically scalped him trying to pull his hood back to see his face." Her eyes were distant as she ran her thumb around the rim of the glass in contemplation, finally taking a sip to slow her racing mind. "I thought I was going mad. That I was beginning to imagine you where you couldn't possibly be. I never thought it had actually been you even after your father told me you'd been in Ferelden all along."

"Lilacs." It was a single word, but it drew Elissa's attention back from wherever it had been to his face. "That's what it was for me. You've always smelled like lilacs and steel from all your years of swordplay. That smell had burned itself into my memory. I'm surprised your companion didn't complain of the lunatic who assaulted her. I saw the flash of red hair and yanked her backward, but it wasn't you."

"So close, yet so far away." She laughed softly, finishing off the last of her glass and placing it back on the table.

"I should have unmasked everyone in that courtyard. I shouldn't have given up until I found you. I never believed you were dead, even after I saw your tombstone. A part of me refused to believe." Elissa eyed him cautiously from the opposite end of the couch, hearing the strain building in his words as he thought on all the time they'd lost to circumstance. "Maybe things would have been different if—"

"It's better that you didn't find me." She stood and paced over to the window, staring out into the moonlit courtyard and watching the guards moving rhythmically as they went about their watch.

"Do you honestly believe that?" He'd expected she felt that way, even now after they'd made their way through so much of the scarring between them, but it still hurt to hear her say it aloud and it was impossible for him to keep that from showing in his voice.

"Yes." Elissa turned back to him, arms wrapped around herself as though she could somehow shelter her heart from the distress that echoed over from Nathaniel long before she could read it in his eyes. "I was driven by little more than vengeance for a long time, Nathaniel. I hated your father and spat on your name. I slaughtered everything in my path to get to him and would gladly do so again. I _know_ it hurts you. I _know_ you think things would have been different if you were there, but the truth is it would have been worse. I don't know what I would have done had you interfered with my need to punish him. The damage between us then... it would have been irreparable."

A long silence stretched out between them, marking the moment when they both realized that no matter how much time they spent mucking through the detritus of their pasts – there were some scars that would never fully heal. It was sobering, the sharp bite of reality clearing the contented fog that had settled in around the both of them over the course of the past week.

"I should let you get some sleep. I'll send up one of the stewards to retrieve the plates when you're done." He was disappointed, though he shouldn't have been, and the emotion must have read clearly on his face as he stood to go if Elissa's reaction was a gauge of anything.

"Nathaniel, wait!" She stopped him with a hand at his wrist just as he pulled the door half open, turning him back to her with a cautious look in her eye. "I did not choose those words to hurt you, I was only being honest. You asked me for the truth, so I have given it to you, but the truth isn't always pretty."

"You're right." He sighed, reaching over to run a finger along her jaw in contemplation. "I know you haven't enjoyed every answer you've gotten from me. I'll sleep it off. I suspect I'll be fine again by the morning."

"I know you hate that you weren't there, and you hate it even more that even now I don't wish that you were, but you have to know that doesn't affect how glad I am to have you here now. You do _know_ that, right?" Elissa waited for a response, and when one wasn't forthcoming she tugged him closer, forcing him to look into her eyes and read the sincerity she hoped would show there. "I lost faith in almost everything years ago. I stopped believing in love, lost the ability to hope, and became unable to trust anyone other than myself. I didn't expect I'd ever get any of that back, but you gave it to me – all of it. So much of our lives are uncertain, especially as Wardens. We don't know what's waiting around the next corner in the shadows. We don't know when our calling will come. There are few absolutes aside from our duty – but I have one, and it's you Nathaniel Howe. Everything else in this world may let me down but I know now, without a doubt, I can always have faith in you."

"I… I don't know what to say to that." Nathaniel fumbled the words, taken aback by such a genuine outpouring of emotion. He hadn't heard anything of the sort from her since the impassioned pleas of their youth. Even the words she'd managed at his bedside when she'd believed him to be dying hadn't come close to what she'd just said to him.

"You don't have to say anything." She pushed up and laid a quick kiss on his cheek, not daring to do more while he still seemed so rattled. "I just thought you should know."

He smiled softly as she closed the door, but that smile faded and the guilt rushed in with the snap of the latch. Instead of turning in, he made his way to the ramparts to wait.

* * *

><p><em>Don't show, not this time. Don't show. Don't show.<em> It had become Nathaniel's mantra, one he'd repeated every evening for the past two weeks. He held his breath, staring into the darkness along the Keep's outer walls. One moment passed, then another, and another. He started to think she wouldn't come, but before he could release the breath he'd been holding, she appeared. There was a flash of bronze off her tattoos as she paused in the moonlight, scanning the darkness at the edge of the forest for something before dashing forward to disappear in the trees. He covered his face with his hands, attempting to rub the tension out of his jaw while he thought on what to do.

"So it's to be another night of pretending we haven't seen, is it?"

"I haven't decided." Nathaniel didn't need to look to see Zevran slink out of the shadows. It was The Assassin that had brought Elissa's nocturnal activities to his attention and he had no doubt the elf had been watching her long before he made mention of them. He seemed to know Elissa better than anyone, even himself on some levels. It was a point of contention that would never allow them to truly be friends.

"It does not sit well with me to spy on her either, but you must see we are running out of options. We need to know what it is she does in the darkness, and as she claims not to rememb—"

"She _doesn't_ remember. If she was hiding it I would know." The Assassin raised his hands in deference to Nathaniel's irritation. No matter what he might feel with regard to him, Zevran respected Elissa's affections and would not push the boundaries of the tenuous truce they'd negotiated between them. "Whatever is going on, Elissa isn't consciously aware of it."

"Which makes our situation all the more dire." Zevran watched as The Archer began to pace, the internal struggle between his love for Elissa and his duty to the world at large raging within him once again.

"Go." It was a single word, but the weight of it was lost on neither of them. Even now that he'd said it, Nathaniel desperately wanted to take it back. "Do not be seen. If she sees you then—"

"I do not need advice from you on how to avoid detection or a warning on what will come should I not." Zevran's eyes flashed, reminding The Archer once again that theirs was an alliance of necessity. His loyalty, as always, belonged to Elissa. "I will find you with news some time after sunrise I suspect."

There was no time to reply before the elf disappeared into the shadows once again leaving Nathaniel to ponder what he had done.


	21. Chapter 21: Don't Wake the Dreamer

_**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** Hope everyone enjoyed the first of the marathon Holiday Season :D  
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_Thanks to all my readers, followers and reviewers and to my lovely beta **artemiskat**.  
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_Happy Reading!  
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_-Frayed One  
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* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Twenty-One: Don't Wake the Dreamer<strong>_

Elissa yawned, stepping out of her bedroom door and into the hall, attempting to shake off the lingering remnants of exhaustion that hung on her though she'd been up for over an hour. It didn't seem to matter how early she went to bed she only seemed to wake up more tired than she'd been before she turned in for the night. It was starting to wear her down.

"Not sleeping well?" Zevran watched her jump, and then attempt to cover how easily he'd surprised her. Elissa was very observant. People didn't just sneak up on her. Not usually.

"When have I ever slept well, Zev?" She yawned again, half-covering it with the hand that wasn't holding the missive filled journal indicating she was headed off to one meeting or another.

"You have a point."

"So what brings you by this early in the morning?"

Though she didn't turn her face in his direction, The Assassin could feel her eyes on him and scrambled for an excuse that she'd accept at face value. However tired she might have been, it hadn't dulled her senses to the point that she wasn't somewhat suspicious of anyone who broke from their normal routine.

"Oh come now, you normally haven't crawled out of Sigrun's bed until at least an hour from now and I know better than to believe you walked all the way over here to inquire about my sleeping habits or walk me to my morning meeting." She arched an eyebrow, snapping her journal shut and turning her full attention to the elf at her side.

"Right you are." He chuckled, a slightly nervous smile turning up the corners of his mouth. "I wondered if I might take a trip into the city if nothing more urgent required my attention for the day. There are various components I require that Jowan will not order no matter how nicely I request it of him. I will soon be completely out if I don't replenish my inventory."

"Zev, how many times must I tell you – you are not a prisoner here. You may come and go as you please. I only ask that you alert me to your plans... somewhat... so I know you haven't been taken against your will or whatnot." She stopped walking and turned to him with a smile. "The day is yours. Do with it as you see fit."

He inspected her cautiously for a moment before deciding it was genuine and returning it. After another pause she moved off down the hall for her meeting and he diverted his path back toward one of his own.

* * *

><p>Seeing The Assassin again was not a surprise to Nathaniel, but being tracked down in the middle of the archery range while surrounded by his recruits was out of character in a way that drew his full focus instantly. It made Nathaniel's skin crawl, but not because of the man himself. The two developed an uneasy friendship during their time together; a friendship based solely on their mutual concern for Elissa. It was that very thing that unnerved him as he watched the blonde elf share several appreciative smiles with the younger Wardens and stroll in his direction. For Zevran to seek him out here and now rather than simply hinting that they needed to speak later, the news must be dire.<p>

Nathaniel didn't wait for him to ask, he simply set the young archers to work on several training routines and moved far enough away to be certain they were out of earshot, "If you've tracked me down now, I'm not certain I want to know."

"I can go if you'd rather continue to live in denial."

"You act as though the very idea of this doesn't bother you." Nathaniel narrowed his eyes impatiently.

"Everything about this bothers me." Zevran shifted uncomfortably on his feet for a moment before relaxing into his usual disinterested posture. "I have only agreed to it because I too feel that something is… off… with her and I needed to know what it was before I could attempt to address it."

"And what have you discovered?"

"For all intensive purposes, she hunts." Zevran shrugged.

"Hunts?" Nathaniel's brow furrowed and he shook his head. "I've _seen_ her leaving, Zevran. She wears no armor, she _barely_ wears clothing. I doubt she has a weapon. How is she hunting?"

"She doesn't seem to require a weapon." Zevran held The Archer's eyes allowing the impact of those words to sink in.

"Did you speak with her?" Nathaniel tried not to react, though he knew better than to believe for a moment the elf hadn't read even the most minor change in his stance quick enough to know that it concerned him.

"I doubt that would have done much good. The woman you and I know is not a part of this, and after speaking with her this morning it seems clear that her conscious mind is not aware of these excursions beyond a lack of the rest she was expecting to get when she turned in for the night."

"You believe her?" Nathaniel crossed his arms, attempting to illustrate just how serious he was when he asked for the truth in this matter. He'd been in the dark for too long where her secrets were concerned. "Elissa is very good at—"

"Concealing the truth? Yes. I am aware." Zevran's eyes narrowed at the insinuation that he didn't know how to properly read her, but he moved past the irritation quickly and continued. "I believe that she truly has no idea what it is The Beast does while she is sleeping, though I am uncertain how dangerous that is."

"The Beast left unchecked is _always_ a dangerous thing." The Archer suppressed a shiver as he recollected any one of the times he'd faced the darkness that lived within Elissa directly.

"As I said, I am uncertain how dangerous it is at _this_ juncture." The Assassin's irritation peaked again and he shared a glare with the other man before going back into his explanation once again. "At no point while I was tracking her did I fear for my own safety, nor did I see any reason to be concerned for hers or for anything aside from the local wildlife which we hunt ourselves to feed the Wardens. Of course, she did not seem to notice that I was tracking her. Perhaps things would have been different had I been discovered."

"Then you think this is normal?"

"I wouldn't say normal, per se. It may be her subconscious releasing the build up within her while we find ourselves at a lack for the battles that would normally keep her more grounded. It is difficult to say without speaking to her directly and I'm not certain that is the best idea at this point."

"Then what do we do?" Nathaniel began to pace, running his fingers through his hair.

"For now, we continue to observe." Zevran began to move away, having relayed all the information he had come to deliver.

"And should your opinion change?" He watched the elf come to a stop, turning his face back to glance over his shoulder.

"Let us cross that bridge when we come to it."

Nathaniel watched until Zevran disappeared in the long shadows closer to the stone walls of The Keep and hoped they would never reach a point where he would have to consider what to do about his particular problem.

* * *

><p>"You have to find a way to get them to bring me along."<p>

"_What?!_" Carver glanced back at the red-headed elf perched on the corner of his bed for a moment before laughing and turning back to what he had been doing. "This is hardly a vacation, Kalli. I'm being dragged to do something at the request of my brother. _I_ don't even want to go. What makes you think I have any intention of having you brought along, even if I could manage to pull such a thing off?"

"You _need_ me along, Carver. You clearly don't have the backbone required to pull this off on your own. At least if I'm there I can nudge you in the right direction." Kalli stood up and paced over to him, shifting her irritation into a flirtatious smile and running a finger down his arm. "Tell them you want me to meet your brother."

"And why would I want you to do that?" He stopped again and stared at her.

"Because I'm your girlfriend."

"Even if that _were_ true, I still wouldn't take you to meet Hawke, and both of them know that so they'd never believe me." Carver went back to loading things into his bag.

"Fine! I don't care _what_ you tell them, just find a way!" She was long past being rational. Finding out that Nathaniel was leaving with Elissa for an undetermined amount of time had been bad enough. Finding out that they were taking Carver along without her supervision had been the last straw.

"Look, Kalli, this plan of yours just isn't going to work. I'm not good at it, and what's more I don't want to get Elissa this way. If she chooses me, I want it to be because she wants to be with me – not because Nathaniel is no longer an option."

"Oh no! You're not backing out on me now!" She darted in between Carver and his bag, shaking a finger in his face with her anger. "I've worked too hard."

"You've flirted with Nathaniel and slept with me. I wouldn't call that _hard work_."

"Sleeping with you was absolutely hard work." She folded her arms and started to pace away before his fingers sank into her elbow.

He tugged her back against him and snagged her other arm, holding her in place long enough to get his point across. "Say what you want, Kalli. I don't like you very much, and I'm not so stupid that I'd believe for a moment that you care for me – but the sex was _very_ good. You know it and I know it."

"It was adequate." She tilted her chin up and narrowed her eyes. "Now let me go!"

"Adequate?" Carver's eyes narrowed in response and he paused for a moment before tossing her back against his bed. "_Adequate?!_"

He pinned her to the mattress, releasing one of her hands long enough to grab her chin and hold her face still long enough that he could kiss her thoroughly. She fought against it for a moment, but he felt her giving in as her body relaxed beneath him. A few moments later she was kissing him back.

* * *

><p>When Nathaniel made it to Elissa's quarters late in the afternoon he found her sleeping, chin in palm, pen in free hand, hovering above a precariously stacked pile of paperwork. It was everything he could do not to laugh as he made his way over to her. She looked so innocent it was hard to imagine that there could be a growing threat now active while the part of her he knew lay dormant.<p>

"There's a rumor that sleeping in a bed is infinitely more comfortable than atop one's desk." He chuckled when she snapped backward so quickly he had to catch her to keep her from flipping out of the chair and into the floor, settling himself into the empty chair across the desk once he'd placed her comfortably back into her own.

"There's a rumor that waking people unfortunate enough to have accidentally fallen asleep atop their desks has a potential to get you stabbed." She frowned at him through her yawn, but he could see it was insincere.

"Why don't you go lie down?"

"Because I _still_ haven't packed, I have a meeting with Varel and Jowan in an hour, and this paperwork isn't going to do itself."

"I'll take the meeting." Nathaniel smiled, leaning across the desk to take her hand and run his fingers across her knuckles. "And I suspect the paperwork can wait a little longer."

"What about the packing? If you offer to come back and do that when you wake me up for dinner I _might_ just have to fall in love with you." Elissa tapped at her temple and smiled back, squeezing lightly at his hand.

"I'll help you pack." He stood, pulling her to her feet and turning her toward her bedroom with the gentle press of his hands at her shoulders. It was odd to hear her say such a thing and even more odd to hear the genuine lilt of happiness in those words. It made the guilt for his choices with regard to her condition pull even harder at his soul, though he knew that coming clean about it at this point simply wasn't an option. "I did have something a bit different in mind with regard to dinner though."

"Oh?" She turned back just inside the door to her room and arched an eyebrow. "I certainly hope you don't intend us to spend what is likely to be our last bit of time alone together for Maker only knows how long having dinner in the common area."

"I have no intention of sacrificing even a moment of that time. Trust me." Nathaniel leaned in then, tracing his thumb along her jaw and brushing against her lips with a gentle kiss that told her everything and hinted at things to come. He watched her eyes widen slightly when he pulled away and knew she understood what he was telling her without having said a word. "I'll send Celine to wake you. You know where I'll be."

He could feel her eyes on his back as he headed back out into the hallway and held on to the smile it gave him for a moment longer before his mind drifted back to his concerns once again and turned his feet toward Zevran's quarters.

* * *

><p>When Elissa made her way to The Cliffs she didn't know what he had planned. What she hadn't expected was to find him standing in his smallclothes at cliff's edge. The sight was so surprising it stalled her in the tree line where she stood in the shadows simply watching for awhile.<p>

Time had been no more kind to his body than it had hers and the multitudes of scars told both stories she knew and some he'd not yet decided to share with her, along with the handful she'd either given herself or been present for. But they didn't matter. His skin was perfect to her, along with the rest of him. It had taken them a long time to get here but in this moment Elissa couldn't imagine ever wanting anyone else. She loved this man, scars and all. She always had.

"Every time I think I've gotten you all figured out, you go and surprise me." She watched his mouth curl slightly as he turned to her, her eyes following the motion as he reached up to tuck his hair behind his ear where the wind had blown it loose.

"I'm obviously predictable enough that you've found me without my having to say a location out loud. I doubt that anything else I've done is all that surprising." Years ago a girl that shared her name had leaned against a tree at the edge of her parents' forest and watched him just as Elissa was doing now, but that girl had been hesitant and cautious. The woman who stood across from him now was confident and sometimes calculating, yet he loved her all the same.

"The location is unsurprising." She stood up and paced out of the lingering shadows in the tree line, closing the distance between them. "We've been here a million times for a million reasons… but in all that time you've never once waited, ready to take the plunge… until now. What's different?"

"How much time do you have?" It was intended to be a joke, but the look in her eyes kept his laughter from coming.

"Not nearly as much as I'd like." She slipped off her boots without looking down, simply pressing the toe of one against the heel of the other to pull it loose, all the while working her shirt over her head.

Once she'd removed it Nathaniel noted that the bracers she wore to hide the effects of the taint on her skin had been extended, meaning it had progressed further since last he'd seen her in any state of undress. "You can take them off."

"I'd rather not." She dropped her pants to the ground with the rest of her clothes, reaching over to take his hand and holding his eyes long enough to be sure he was ready to do the things he'd planned for the evening.

If he was hesitant, he didn't show it, instead threading his fingers into hers and stepping with her over the edge to plunge into the darkness of the water below.

He held to her hand this time, even after hitting the water, wanting to make sure he didn't lose her in the choppy waves this time as he had years before. They didn't speak as they swam to the circle of rocks beneath the cliff wall, and Nathaniel started to wonder if this hadn't been a bad idea when she stared off into the growing storms on the horizon rather than so much as glancing in his direction.

"I had a dream the other night about the day we met. Everything was exactly the same – a picture-perfect moment – only this time instead of falling for you I barely paid you any attention. Just glanced once then walked away. What do you suppose that means?"

"Dreams can mean many things, or nothing." Nathaniel tried not to let what she'd said visibly effect him, though a part of him wondered if she'd known what he and Zevran had been up to all along and this was her way of forcing him to admit it. "The real question is what _you_ think it means. Do you regret it?"

"I regret many things." Her face was blank when she turned to him and she could feel him struggling to make out what was going on in her mind.

"Am I one of those things?" His face was just as difficult to read, though the churning maelstrom of emotions beneath the calm façade threatened to break the surface at any moment.

"Not any more." When she smiled, it was genuine, and she watched him relax as she slid into his lap and threaded her fingers into his damp hair.

They stayed in the water until the coming storm convinced Nathaniel it was time to make their way back to dry land. He was thankful that he'd already laid out a blanket on the cliff above, and more thankful that he'd brought extra when Elissa snatched one of them up and attempted to dry her hair.

"I think we both know that's useless." He pulled the blanket away with a laugh, tracing the path of one of the droplets that still ran from her hair until his finger caught at the edge of her breast band and it disappeared beneath.

Elissa didn't wait for more of an invitation. She leaned forward and claimed his lips in a kiss that left little confusion in his mind that she still desired him just as much as he desired her.

Nathaniel didn't remember getting them to the ground, or if it had been him to do it. He didn't remember shoving the various plates of food off to the side or knocking over the bottle of wine that he saw rolling over the cliff's edge from the corner of his eye. He didn't remember much until she whispered emphatically in his ear.

"As much as I am enjoying this, and I really – _really_ – am, I'm afraid we'll have to stop here unless you like the idea of finishing with an audience?" Elissa could see the confusion in his eyes when he drew back from where he'd been trailing kisses down her upper chest and looked off into the tree line. "Wardens. Two of them."

He pulled back further, pressing at his senses to try to track them though he knew he'd never be able to read things as well as she could. "Which ones?"

"I have a guess, but there's no way to be sure without asking." She shrugged and rolled up onto an elbow. "Carver, you may as well come on out. You too Kallian."

Nathaniel cleared his throat and reached for his shirt as the elf emerged from the shadows, making absolutely no effort to pretend she hadn't been looking at him. In his defense, Carver at least looked sufficiently concerned for his safety.

"I certainly hope the two of you have a good reason for being here." Nathaniel tossed Elissa her shirt after retrieving his pants and sitting down on the large stone at the cliff's edge.

"I suspect they've come to watch the results of the plan they orchestrated in the kitchens this evening."

Carver's eyes went wide and he started to mutter and pace, but Kallian didn't even flinch, she merely folded her arms and yawned.

"What plan?" Nathaniel stood again, pacing up to glare at Carver who was clearly going to be easier to break.

"You know what's funny, Kalli?" Elissa reached into the basket that Nathaniel had used to bring their meal up to The Cliffs earlier in the evening and pulled out a kettle. "I don't even drink tea anymore. Nathaniel does, though I'm pretty sure I can be certain that's not who you intended this for."

"I didn't ask for that." Nathaniel followed Elissa's motions as she poured a mug full of it and strolled in Kalli's direction.

"I'm aware. I went to the kitchens to ask for a pastry and they thought I was picking up our dinner. They told me the tea you'd requested wasn't quite ready, which I thought was quite odd considering I don't drink it and you've never had it unless you were cold or attempting to go to sleep so far as I know." She stopped in front of the elf and held out the mug with a smile. "Care for a mug?"

"I'll pass." Kalli smiled back, still unphased by having been caught.

"You may as well drink it, Kalli. A stomach ache is the _least_ of our worries at the moment." Carver ran his fingers through his hair and attempted not to react to the glare Nathaniel still leveled in his direction.

"A stomach ache?" Elissa laughed, glancing at Carver for a moment. "Is _that_ what she told you this would do?"

Nathaniel reached for the mug, smelling it and then tasting a miniscule amount off the tip of his finger. "This is the Adder's Kiss. A few sips of this will kill. What is going on?"

"Carver didn't do this, he simply went along with the plan." Elissa watched Nathaniel's grip on the young Warden's shirt relax with her words.

"_What_ plan?" He was demanding this time, his patience waning now that it had become clear one of their Wardens was attempting to poison her.

"She said it would only make you sick, enough to keep you from…" Carver pulled his eyes away from Nathaniel and looked at Elissa for the first time since he'd been discovered. "I had _no_ idea it was meant to kill you. If I had I'd never ha—"

"I know, Carver. We will discuss your part in this on what I am certain will be a _very_ long boat ride. Go and finish packing if you haven't already." Elissa watched him disappear into the forest, pulling her eyes away only when she caught the motion of the woman in front of her. "You should get packed too."

"I'm going with you?" Kallian looked confused; her mind racing as she attempted to puzzle out the confusing logic of the Warden-Commander.

"Oh, definitely not. You've been reassigned to Orlais. Stroud is leaving in the morning."

"_Reassigned?!_" Kalli was livid and took two steps in Elissa's direction before Nathaniel reached in to hold her back.

"You tried to _kill_ me, Kallian, and not in the fun 'I didn't really mean it, I was just doing what I was told' way that _most_ people try to kill me. If you speak to people who know me you'll find that those that do that typically don't live to talk about how they failed. You should be thanking me for allowing you to walk away from here alive, not complaining about where I'm sending you." Elissa's voice was remarkably calm, but Nathaniel could feel the fury pumping through her veins and hoped the elf would simply walk away rather than goading her further.

Thankfully Kallian said nothing more before turning to retreat in the direction of The Keep.

"I should go and speak with Stroud." Elissa turned back to Nathaniel, glancing once at the blanket on the ground behind him and the discarded meal that would now never be eaten.

"Wait… I know the rest of this evening is a wash, but I at least want to give you this." Nathaniel tugged his family ring back off his finger, reaching out to take Elissa's hand before she could dash off to deal with this new concern.

"You know I can't wear that, Nathaniel. It isn't meant for me anymore. I'm fairly certain it isn't even meant for you." She tried not to see the look of pained confusion that crossed his face at what he thought was yet another rejection of him and his affection for her, sighing as she retrieved her boots and tugged the small paper wrapped bundle from inside the left one. "This isn't _exactly_ the moment I was looking for, but it will have to do. If I don't give it to you now I'll have to watch you start to doubt yourself again and I can't have that."

Nathaniel watched as she carefully unfolded the nondescript brown paper to reveal the two silver bands that had been tucked inside it.

"Elissa this is…" He picked one up and looked it over, noting the intricate detail of the heraldry carved into it. It was neither Cousland nor Howe in origin, though a bit of both was worked into it, along with what had clearly come from the Wardens.

"I belong to you whether I'm wearing a ring or not, Nathaniel. But I know this sort of thing means something to you, so I had Wade put something together. I honestly couldn't stand the idea of wearing your family ring anymore… it's just, not who we are. This is as close as I could get." She tossed the empty paper to the ground and reached over to slide the larger band onto his hand with a slight smile. "I hope it will do."

"I love you." He flexed his hand, looking down at the band that now marked him before sliding the other one on her finger.

"And I love you." She smiled, finally relaxing when he accepted her gift and folded her into his arms.


	22. Chapter 22: Testing Patience

_**Disclaimer**__: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I attempt to use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront that I will divert from the traditional tale._

_When reading these stories, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale. _

_**A/N:** Apologies for the pauses between chapters. Multiple projects and life with a toddler and a new baby makes getting the new ones up a slower process :D There is a new "story" up - more a collection of random tidbits, called **Remnants**_. _It's all a part of this story line, just things that don't really fit anywhere else. __  
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_Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my lady beta **artemiskat**.  
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_Happy reading!  
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_-Frayed One  
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><p><em><strong>Chapter Twenty-Two: Testing Patience<strong>_

Having been unable to track down Isabela and secure passage on a ship of her own, Elissa was forced to seek out alternate travel arrangements. Only one ship was leaving port in the window she required, and that ship was very nearly over laden with cargo and passengers. The lack of space forced Nathaniel and Carver to share a cabin and Elissa into what she was certain had once been a closet of some sort that they'd altered to accommodate more travelers and relieve them of their coin.

Carver's mood kept him sulking in his quarters for most of the trip, and as he'd never had anything to say to Nathaniel prior to the most recent events, The Archer doubted he'd make an effort now. This meant that Nathaniel spent most of his time wandering the ship and looking for a quiet space, something that was pretty much impossible to find.

Elissa kept herself busy with anything she could find. Lengthy ship travel didn't lend itself well to her condition even when they traveled among friends and Nathaniel could only imagine how hard it was crammed into cramped quarters among strangers. She seemed neutral enough when he saw her, but for the most part she kept to herself, leading Nathaniel to seek her out when they'd nearly reached the shores of the city of chains and he'd barely gotten more than an hour of her time.

"Did I wake you?" Nathaniel took in Elissa's disheveled appearance when she opened her cabin door and shifted anxiously. She seemed almost surprised to see him, and not in an entirely good way.

"No. It's difficult to sleep in here. The bed is too short and there are always people stomping about just above my head. I think they're running a dance hall up there or something." She smiled and stepped to the side, allowing him into the tiny room. There was barely enough room for her to move around and Nathaniel's added height and bulk made it even more uncomfortable.

"I see." The lack of sleep explained her mood and should have made Nathaniel feel better, but he couldn't stop himself from wondering if she kept herself awake because she knew what she might do otherwise.

"Was there something that you wanted?" Elissa cleared her throat and sat down on the edge of her bed, moving enough of her things to the side that Nathaniel could do the same if he wanted.

"Just to see you." Nathaniel smiled and sat down, brushing off the comment for what it was. "Do I need a reason to drop by?"

"No… no, I'm sorry. This trip has made me edgy. I'll be relieved when we make landfall." She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, returning a shaky grin of her own.

"On that note, I come bearing gifts." He tugged the bottle he'd procured out of his pack and held it up for her perusal.

"What's this?" Elissa eyed the bottle, popping the cork out and taking a sniff that made her eyes blink.

"Grain alcohol of some sort based on the smell." Nathaniel chuckled and leaned back against the wall.

"Did you drink this?" She looked at him suspiciously, contemplating drinking herself but not actually going there yet.

"Not yet. I'll leave the honors to you, my lady." He laughed when she rolled her eyes and took a pull from the bottle, coughing and wiping at her mouth as soon as she swallowed it down.

"Bloody… where did you get this stuff?" She passed the bottle over to him, knowing if it had been that hard on her palette his reaction was bound to be entertaining.

"Won it in a card game." Nathaniel took a drink and very nearly choked, his eyes watering as he handed it back to Elissa with a cough. "Clearly I was swindled…"

"You most certainly were." Elissa laughed, running her thumb along the edge of the bottle and allowing the room to fall back into an uncomfortable silence.

Nathaniel reached over and took her hand, running his thumb across the ring on her finger for a moment before reaching over to take the bottle from her other hand and place it carefully on the floor. She made no move to close the distance between them, but neither did she shy away. Nathaniel took that as encouragement and leaned in to brush a soft kiss against her lips.

It was the first time he'd kissed her since that night on The Cliffs and he could feel the spark of desire instantly ignite within her, amplifying the heat of his own. A soft kiss quickly deepened into a passionate one, his tongue sliding into her mouth, his fingers digging into her thighs and tugging her closer against him. He tried to lean her back against the bed but only succeeded in slamming her head into the wall.

"Maker! Yeah… this isn't going to work." She winced, rubbing at the back of her head and pushing against his chest as she slid out from under him.

"I can move some of the horrifying amount of stuff you've managed to accumulate since we came on board." He started to shift some of the books off of her bed and onto the admittedly limited floor space.

"There is no amount of stuff you can move that will make it physically possible for even one of us to fit in that bed, much less do what you've got on your mind." The tone of her voice made it clear she was cross, though she'd turned away to rummage for the bottle making her face impossible to read.

"I seem to recall pressing you up against a wall more than once in our time together…" He leaned in and brushed the hair back from her neck, intending to follow his fingers with his lips, but she stood and darted out of reach.

"The walls are thin here I—"

"That's never bothered you in the past…" Nathaniel was standing now, brow furrowed, his concern increasing by the moment.

"I never worried I'd actually fall through one in the past." Elissa smirked and met his eyes, but only for a moment, and what he saw was certainly not enough to calm his fears.

"Trade rooms with Carver. It's not as though he needs the supervision. He hasn't left his bed since we got here." He folded his arms and waited for her to find a reason why that wouldn't work.

"Carver is moody enough without my sequestering him away from us so that we can have a tumble in his bed." She paced the narrow room and took a long pull off the bottle he'd brought, coughing once she'd swallowed then taking another.

"Alright, now you're going to have to explain yourself, because I'm fairly certain no matter _what_ I came up with, you'd shoot me down." Nathaniel watched her continue to pace, finally reaching out to still her with a hand on her arm and force her to meet his eyes. "Elissa, talk to me. What did I do?"

She stared at him for a moment, face blank, and he wondered if she'd known all along what he'd been up to while she… "slept"… all those weeks at Vigil's Keep. He swallowed, attempting to calm his nerves until she either verified or refuted his fears.

"What happened to wanting it to be perfect this time?" She stared at him, waiting.

"I know you too well for that, Elissa. That was _my_ desire, not yours. If I'm willing to put it aside for now, I'd expect you to jump at that opportunity." He took the one, long, step he needed to cross the impossibly small room and pin her against the wall – forcing her to admit the truth, one way or another.

"It's been too long." Her voice was a broken, breathy whisper as his lips trailed down her neck and his teeth pressed into her shoulder. "I can't… I don't trust myself not to hurt you."

"I am intimately familiar with the delicacies of your condition, and it has never held you back in the past, perhaps even when it should have." Nathaniel ran his hand beneath her blouse, fingers finding the edge of her breast band and dipping under to cup the flesh beneath.

Her body tensed, and then relaxed, her fingers tangling in his hair as he continued to suck at her neck. He lost himself in the smell of her, the taste of her skin, the waves of desire radiating into him and mingling with his own. A moment later their positions were reversed and he was pinned against the wall, surprised at her sudden strength as she held his wrists in place against the splintered wood of the ship wall.

Her head pressed against his chest and he could feel her body trembling. "You need to go. Now."

"Elissa, whatever it is we can-"

"I don't want it to be like this, Nathaniel. Not this time." She straightened, slowly – still holding him at arms length but relaxing her grip. He could hear the strain in her voice as she spoke and noted that she did not open her eyes.

"Elissa… look at me." He carefully extracted himself from her grip, reaching tentative fingers up to her jaw and tipping her face in his direction. "Open your eyes."

There was a long pause where he didn't know if she would answer, and then a flicker of her eyelids left him looking into the swirling, crimson void, which had become all too familiar a sight. He tried not to physically react, but felt his body flinch slightly of its own accord. That was all it took to have her turning away, shame and disgust etched into her face.

"Now you see. This is me. This is what I am now. The tonics only do so much, especially when I'm tucked away at sea for days on end with no means by which to release the tension." Elissa blinked, but she knew even before she saw the look on Nathaniel's face that the darkness didn't flicker and fade this time as it might have in the past. "You should go. Really… I-I can't imagine I'm very appealing now."

"Lissa…" Nathaniel sighed, rubbing at his jaw for a minute and pondering the right words to say to her. They were balanced precariously here and broaching a topic they had not truly discussed since they'd started being truly honest with one another. "Loving each other in spite of our faults… is that not what we've been doing? You've been changing since before we found one another again, whether we discuss it or not, but you're still you."

"Am I?" She glanced at him with her dark eyes, but only for a moment, and in that moment Nathaniel was certain that she knew – but she said nothing further and went back to her pacing.

"Essentially, yes – or so I choose to believe until you give me a reason not to." When he thought about it, that _was_ the honest truth. No matter what Zevran had told him or what he might think was happening, until he'd seen it with his own eyes he refused to believe she was anything other than the woman he had always loved. "If there is something I can do to alleviate your distress until we make landfall, then I will gladly do it."

He reached out to brush her hair back from her neck again, tracing the line of it with his finger and listening to the quick intake of breath that gave away her reaction to his touch.

She was tempted, he could tell. The way she leaned back into his body when he shifted the light kisses on her neck to a bite at her shoulder, the ragged pacing of her breath when his hands found her breasts once again, the huge pulse of raw need transferred through to him through the conduit.

"No… I can't… I-I…" She pulled herself away from him, eyes hooded and angled down toward the floor as she physically maneuvered him toward the door. "It will be different this time."

"It can still be different this time, Elissa. What you need now doesn't have to change that." Nathaniel tried one last time, unsure if the words were truth or simply something the desire that had now nearly consumed him drove from his lips, but she would not be swayed.

"Go, Nathaniel… please. I'll find you when we make landfall." She offered him a hesitant smile, waiting for him to accept her request with a nod, then closing the door and leaving him to stagger away far more concerned than he'd been when he arrived.

* * *

><p>Nathaniel only saw Elissa in passing for the duration of the trip, and even then it was from a distance. He didn't trust himself to resist the near undeniable need he had to touch her when they were together, and she'd made it clear it was important to her that they at least try not to become the people they had been before. It was a desire he respected, so he forced himself to be content to watch her from afar.<p>

When they finally hit port in Kirkwall he felt near to his own breaking point. Whatever changes Elissa found herself undergoing seemed to be having an effect on him as well. He subconsciously toyed with the silver band on his finger as he watched her discussing something with the captain before turning to signal that both he and Carver were set to depart. He made his way forward to her as they walked off the ship, hoping to have a moment to speak to her before they were whisked away into their next adventure, but a gruff voice made it clear that wasn't going to happen.

"You look positively lovely, my dear." Hawke smirked, offering Nathaniel a quick nod of acknowledgement and a short glance to his brother. "How was your trip?"

"Long." Elissa brushed a curl out of her face and continued to walk past Hawke into the city, forcing him to lengthen his strides to keep pace with her and leaving the others trailing behind.

"Back to the mono syllabic conversation, are we? I'd rather thought we got past that what with the nearly naked and all…" The words were whispered, but Elissa glared at him nonetheless, causing him to glance back toward The Archer. "If you've brought him along I assume you've told him."

"He knows." Elissa turned her attention back to the road, dodging several dockworkers who were chasing down what she assumed to be a thief of some sort.

"He's glaring at me. He knows nothing happened, right?" Hawke popped his head up and grinned, glancing back to Nathaniel once more. "Nothing happened! Nipped that _right_ in the bud. I saw the girls… lovely… but that's all, no touching of any kind. No… he's _still_ glaring."

"I suspect that's because he doesn't like you, with or without your very _loud_ and public discussion of having seen my breasts."

"They're very nice breasts, just as I've always thought. Now that it's established that I'm able to resist your charms, you can feel confident should you feel the need to show them to me again." He continued to smile even when she glared at him again, turning impatiently down a nearby alley and dodging a group of orphans who had just nicked a purse from a sleeping guardsman. "Too soon?"

"It will always be too soon, Morgan." She sighed, pushing through the doors of the Hanged Man and immediately pressing toward my suite at the back. Isabela finished her drink at the bar and headed back to join the group, curious what would draw Elissa and her Wardens back to town so soon after the debacle at Soldier's Peak.

* * *

><p>"Hero." I inclined my head to her as she entered the room, glancing at The Archer and clearing my throat with the glare Carver gave me before settling himself against the far wall and waiting for whatever discussion was coming to begin.<p>

"Should I order some refreshments?" Hawke raised his arm to attract the attention of a nearby barmaid.

"Let's just establish when we're leaving and I'll be on my way. I'd like to get a little rest before we depart and I'm not likely to do that here." Elissa flexed her fingers, not bothering to remove her pack or even pretend as though she had any intention of staying for a moment longer than was necessary.

"Establish when…" Hawke shook his head, holding a finger up to the young woman who had come into my suite to take our orders as an indication that she should wait in case she was needed. "Elissa. I intended to leave within the hour."

"_Within the hour?!_ I've only just gotten off a ship and you want me to march off into the mountains!" She glared at him. It was enough to send the barmaid scurrying back out the door.

"I'm fairly certain it's safe to assume you had little downtime during the Blight." He folded his arms and glared back.

"There was the threat of imminent death and destruction hanging over our heads to keep us moving then." She huffed and brushed a curl out of her face, unrelenting in her wish not to leave until tomorrow.

"The Carta has threatened my life at least three times now that I know of."

"Yes, but that's only _your_ death and destruction. Not exactly a motivator for me." She smiled, leaning casually against the chair in front of her.

"You _wound_ me." Hawke clutched at his chest dramatically and stood, pacing over to her with a knowing smile. "If it's not my well-being you're concerned with, then it must be Carver's. I wasn't aware you'd become so attached… unless, of course, something else made you so anxious to accompany me on this journey?"

"Fine. We can go." Elissa dodged the question, turning abruptly from the conversation back to the door. "Within the hour?"

"Within the hour." Hawke watched her carefully as she left the room, Nathaniel and Carver not far behind her. "She knows something."

"Elissa always knows more than she lets on." Isabela chuckled, winking back at him before she headed back to the bar.

* * *

><p>We pressed on until nightfall, making it over half way to our destination. What remained for tomorrow would have us arriving at the location my intelligence had turned up with plenty of daylight to spare.<p>

While the rest of us set camp, The Hero disappeared into the forest. She'd tossed her pack to the ground and given out instructions to her Wardens that they should set up their tents then muttered something about going to find meat to put on the cook fire before strutting off into the trees. The Archer watched cautiously, but didn't intervene.

"She's hunting again."

Nathaniel looked up as Anders walked over, following his gaze out to the tree line where Elissa had just disappeared. "We needed something to cook for dinner, unless you lot have something in mind."

"That isn't her motivation, and you know it as well as I do." Anders folded his arms and held his ground. "What happened on the ship?"

Nathaniel glanced around uncomfortably. Carver was looking in their direction already and as loud as Anders was speaking it was only a matter of time before the conversation attracted even more attention. He stood up, grabbing the mage's upper arm and pushing him to the edge of the wood. "What happened on the ship stopped being your concern when you vanished from The Keep without so much as a word. You haven't cared one bit about her since. In fact you're usually running off at the mouth about what a heartless monster she is. What's changed?"

"Nothing. I'm concerned for the group." The Mage yanked his arm away and shifted uncomfortably having been called out on something he wasn't quite ready to acknowledge.

"Hmph." The Archer smirked, more a grimace than a smile. If Anders or Justice, or whichever one was running the show had decided to concern themselves with Elissa again that might not be such a good thing – especially in her current mood.

"If we're in danger we have a right to know, _Howe_."

"Given your condition I'd say we're always in danger, _Mage_."

"If you don't want to worry about being in danger with regard to me, I'd suggest you start by not fighting among yourselves." Elissa smiled as she emerged from the shadows, watching the two men separate as quickly as they'd gone at one another.

Her smile was genuine but Nathaniel could read the strain in it. Hunting had alleviated some of her distress but it hadn't dispelled it completely. Still, that she was making any effort to communicate was leaps and bounds beyond where she'd been since they left Kirkwall.

"I see you caught something." Anders glanced at the bloody carcasses in her hands. "What _is_ that exactly?"

"Some sort of rodent I think. I hadn't seen one before." Elissa shrugged and watched as Anders face creased distastefully. "What? Rabbits are rodents and you eat those just fine! As long as it isn't tainted or rotten it's edible as far as I'm concerned. If you want to cook or eat something other than what I've found you can hunt it yourself!"

She held the bundle out and impatiently waited for him to take them, eyes narrowed as she watched him walk away to clean and prepare them for dinner.

"It was a fair question." Nathaniel cautiously decreased the distance between them, uncertain if she'd decided she was ready to have his company once again.

"You're defending _him_ now?" She laughed, walking over to toss her weapons and pack inside the open front of her tent.

"Not defending so much as… _commiserating?_ What you brought back didn't appear terribly appetizing." He chuckled when she grinned at that, a bit relieved that she hadn't reacted in anger.

"If you don't like the looks of it, you don't have to eat it. I'm not."

"You aren't eating?" Nathaniel frowned and moved closer, reaching out to test her skin for fever, but retreating willingly when she pulled away.

"I'm not all that hungry." It was a lie. She was starving. But the things she was hungry for weren't the sort of things you spoke about in the company of others. "I'm going to lie down and rest. I'll take first watch. Call me when the others are ready to turn in."

He watched her dip inside the tent, knowing she would hear no argument he had to offer.

* * *

><p>When Nathaniel heard the flap to his own tent opening hours later he assumed it was Carver coming to wake him for his rotation. He lay on his bedroll waiting for the young man to say something, but there was only silence, forcing him to press up on his elbows and struggle to see something in the dark.<p>

"What is it Carver? If it's my watch just say so, otherwise, unless we're under attack go back to yours." The figure inside the opening said nothing, but took several steps in his direction.

Whoever it was, the build made it clear that it wasn't Carver, so he reached for the dagger beneath his pack nearby. The intruder caught the movement, pinning his arm and coming down heavy on his waist to hinder his motion. He started to struggle, but whoever it was pressed their pelvis harder against his causing what should have been a warning to come out as a groan.

"Shh…"

The figure leaned forward, pressing a gloved finger against his lips long enough to silence them before taking them with a kiss, a demanding tongue assaulting the edge of his bottom lip until he opened his mouth to allow it inside. Though he couldn't make anything out in the darkness the smell of her told him it was Elissa.

She worked the buttons of his shirt, a frustrated grumble interrupting their kiss when it became impossible to do the deft work with gloved fingers. "Sod it all! When did you start wearing clothes to bed?"

"We're camping, Elissa. In the middle of nowhere. One tends _not_ to sleep naked when they could be forced into battle at any moment no matter what their normal preference might be." He laughed, popping the last few open himself and watching her tug loose her gloves and chest plate.

"I do." She smiled against his mouth when she felt his response to the idea of her lying a few feet away completely undressed press between her thighs.

The way she handled him was anything but gentle. It was demanding and hungry; the Elissa of old, but it stimulated him in ways he could not deny no matter how much they might both want things to be different. It was clear as she attempted to remove her boots without breaking the contact between them that whatever desire she'd had to wait until they could find the right moment had been tossed aside in favor of whatever she could pull out of him right now.

"Maker, I've missed you." He reached up to cup her breasts, exposed now that she'd tossed the band over to the side and started to work on the buckles of her leg plates.

"Less talking. More helping with the buckles." She chuckled when he rolled her off, pinning her for a moment with a frantic kiss before going to work on them himself.

Between the two of them it didn't take long to have them both down to their smallclothes, Nathaniel pressing against the top band of the fabric in an attempt to pull hers off. He groaned when she dipped inside his and wrapped her fingers around him, stroking steadily and throwing him distinctly off his game.

"It's your watch, Nathaniel. I don't care how good that dream is I'm bloody tired so get up!" Carver spoke from outside the tent, obviously mistaking what he'd heard for imagined rather than actual passion.

"No, no, no, no…" Elissa whined, tugging at him desperately when he kissed her neck and started to pull away and search for his clothing.

"Unless you want to order him to let me finish… I'm afraid I have to go." He smiled, tugging on his pants and digging around in the dark to find his shirt.

"Fuck!" She fell back on his bedroll for a moment, running irritable fingers through her hair before retrieving her clothes and dressing just enough to be presentable for the walk back to her own tent.

When she popped through the opening, Carver flinched, realizing what he'd said _and_ what he'd just walked up on. She barely acknowledged him, dashing over to her own tent and disappearing inside a few minutes later. Nathaniel, however, smiled.


	23. Addendum

**_Addendum:_**

Updates to Sleepwalker are currently on hiatus. I have been dealing with some health issues, and need to get everything settled again before I can give it the attention it deserves. Apologies to all that are waiting! The story has not been abandoned. You have my word.

In the meantime Star Crossed has been fully edited (with additional content added). And I have begun working to do the same with Haunted.

Thank you all for following. I certainly hope that you continue to and that I can get back to posting again soon. :)

-Frayed One


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